The One That Got Away

by Lucy Dawson

  ‘Molly needs a top-up after the day she’s had.’ Pearce pours more wine into my glass. ‘The important thing is, you weren’t hurt.’

  ‘Can you tell Dan that?’ I ask. ‘He gave me a proper telling off for not concentrating at the wheel.’

  Pearce shrugs. ‘Probably just worried about you, that’s all. Cheers everyone.’

  We all raise our glasses.

  ‘Just to check,’ Kirk, our newest and very junior recruit asks cautiously, legs spread rather too wide as he smoothes his Topman suit trousers down. ‘We are now officially off-duty, aren’t we? Whatever we get up to won’t affect anything back at the office, so to speak?’

  Pearce gives him a mischievous grin as he sits back in his chair. ‘Nope. You can carry on getting ratted and behave badly Kirk, everyone else is going to. Sandra’s already seen two people sneaking off upstairs who ought not to be.’

  A small knowing smile passes about my colleague’s beautiful glossy lips as she picks up her glass. ‘This is your first conference then I take it, Kirk?’ she turns away from Pearce and innocently sips her drink. ‘The rules are, what goes on tour stays on tour, get it?’

  We all watch Kirk falter under her Medusa-like gaze. ‘Yeah,’ he mumbles, loosening his tie and picking up his pint, obviously thinking how much he’d like to get it from her. ‘Of course.’

  Sandra laughs meanly and bats her long lashes at him, totally aware of the effect she’s having. It’s like watching a pike circle under the water as a duckling paddles hopelessly above. I’m about to step in and rescue him when my phone buzzes with a message: Dan.

  we won’t have to pay anything re car will we? Company insurance will pick it up? It better – I don’t exactly have money to throw away right now.

  I sigh. So that’s why I got my lecture. I text back.

  If any costs I will pay, but sure work will sort. Leave with me.

  Deciding to tease Kirk a little more, Sandra turns her whole body towards him for maximum impact. ‘So, is this your first time then, playing—’ she re-crosses her legs clearly imagining herself as Sharon Stone ‘—away from home?’ All three men shift in their seat. Kirk nods. He’s got hair like a greased baby hedgehog.

  ‘Fun,’ she murmurs in a sultry tone, but then turns away from him, to his evident disappointment. ‘What’s your room like Andy? Comfy?’

  Andy takes too large a sip of his whisky. ‘Very, thanks,’ he says, and then ruins his cool by having to cough violently. ‘You’re welcome to come and have a bounce on the bed if you like.’

  Pearce snorts with amusement into his drink. It’s worse than watching dogs on heat.

  ‘So you’re married, are you?’ Kirk nods at me, seeming to remember I’m still in the room.

  ‘I think so.’ I glance gloomily at my silent phone.

  ‘Right,’ Kirk says, dismissively. ‘So it’s down to the four of us to burn the house up tonight then?’ He turns to the others, alcohol having lowered his inhibitions.

  ‘Burn the house up?’ Pearce laughs, glancing round the hotel ballroom. ‘If you say so pal. Reckon you’re going to like being a rep then, do you? Sure you’ve really got what it takes to be one of the team?’

  He begins to give Kirk a pisstake interview as Andy gets some more drinks in. I sip my vodka, carefully chosen because I’ve had enough wine, and my guts twist sharply in response to another slug of alcohol; none of us have had very much to eat all day.

  ‘So, next question Kirk.’ Pearce is on a roll, amused eyes dancing. ‘The boss rings and you know he’s going to bollock you for not reaching your monthly target. Worse still, you cancelled your last meeting because you couldn’t be arsed to drive all the way to Chatham and are in fact already at home having a cuppa, feet up in front of Countdown.

  ‘Do you a) ignore the call and let it go to voicemail, leg it out to the car, get in, start the engine and call him back straight away telling him you’re in a dodgy signal area between meetings, or b) pick up and say you’re at home doing your paperwork because the GP cancelled on you.’

  Kirk ponders this. ‘B’ he slurs slightly, before taking a big slug of rum and Coke.

  My phone buzzes again. Dan?

  It isn’t. Two messages have arrived, but one is Abi reminding me that it’s Rose’s baby shower on Saturday the twenty-first in London and the other is Joss saying hello. I text Joss that I’m at a conference and I’ll call her tomorrow night when I’m back.

  ‘—and our survey says … uh oh! The correct answer is A. GPs never bother to ring and cancel because they think we are plebs, so he now knows you’re lying. When in doubt, always pretend you’re on the road, it looks proactive and you can cut him off if the questions about your missed targets become too hot to handle; shit signal remember?’

  ‘Let’s try again,’ Pearce continues. ‘You’ve had a heavy night and you feel ragged. Much like you’re going to feel tomorrow,’ he eyes Kirk drain his drink. ‘You stink of booze and can’t string a sentence together but you can’t justify a day off sick either. Do you a) have a fat coffee, do your morning hospital meetings, but cancel the afternoon ones; b) cancel all meetings but drive to the hospitals anyway and nap in the car in the car parks—’

  Kirk looks totally confused but the rest of us grin.

  ‘—or c) put on a croaky voice anytime someone rings you and say you’re tucked up at home with flu?’

  ‘C?’ Kirk hazards a guess. ‘Because a doctor would know I was hungover and report me?’

  ‘It’s B,’ Andy cuts in. ‘That way you can get the tickets for the car parks that prove you were at the hospitals – they’ll go through on expenses – but you won’t actually have to bother with the meetings themselves.’

  Kirk looks gutted. My phone buzzes again. ‘Some-one’s popular,’ Pearce remarks and Sandra narrows her eyes.

  This time it is Dan.

  Well will they or not? I need to know. Can’t just pull money out of nowhere and neither can you!

  Dan, I’ve said sorry! I take a deep breath – remembering what Mum said to me about getting angry when I’m defensive and how it doesn’t help.

  Didn’t do it on purpose. YES – they will pay for it, OK?

  There, that’s better. Calm and adult.

  He texts back immediately.

  All right, no need to be like that, was just asking! Didn’t say you did it on purpose! Pls come home in better mood.

  What? I was being nice! Please come home in a better mood? Is he even serious? I had a car accident today! Albeit a very small one, but still! I reach for my glass and take a big insulted gulp.

  ‘You are correct, sir!’ Pearce holds up his hand triumphantly to Kirk. I’ve missed another question, but Sandra is there in a flash, somehow even managing to turn a high five into something sexual. She’s clearly made her selection. ‘Let’s line some more up shall we?’ she murmurs, looking at him seductively. ‘Shots anyone?’ She gets up and wiggles over to the bar, knowing full well that not only are the blokes at our table watching her, most of the men in the room are now agog, mouths open.

  ‘Wow,’ Kirk is practically panting.

  ‘Why don’t you go and ask her if you can buy her a drink?’ Pearce says slyly.

  Kirk stares at Sandra’s neat little bottom encased in its tight pencil skirt. ‘Dammit. You know what? I will. Thanks, dude.’ He stands up, reaches for his wallet, takes a deep breath and staggers over to her.

  ‘I know that was mean,’ Pearce chuckles, ‘seeing as it’s an open bar, but it’ll be fun to watch him wave his Solo card around like it’s a black Amex. Having another?’ He stands up.

  ‘Yes,’ I say determinedly. Come back in a better mood? That’s outrageous. ‘I am. I’ll be right back.’ I get to my feet. ‘I’m just going to the loo.’

  ‘I may go and rescue Sandra,’ Andy says casually.

  ‘Oh yeah? That’s how rumours start.’ Pearce raises an eyebrow.

  ‘Hopefully, mate,’ Andy says and stumbles off as I begin to squeeze bet
ween the table and chairs.

  ‘Moll?’

  I look up, Pearce has become serious, no hint of his earlier jauntiness. ‘You all right?’

  I nod, and plaster on a big bright smile. ‘I’m fine. Can you keep an eye on my bag?’

  Before he can say anything, I make my way unsteadily out into the foyer with the feeling he is watching me, concerned. He’s so sweet – and going to be a heartbreaker when he grows up. I can see why so many of my female colleagues have already fallen for him … come back in a better mood … I can’t believe Dan actually had the gall to send that to me. I look down at my feet, concentrating on keeping them moving one in front of the other, but unfortunately that means as I walk round the corner, I manage to walk slap bang into someone.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry!’ I say instinctively.

  ‘Don’t be. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.’

  I look up, and when I see who it is, I gasp out loud.

  Chapter Nine

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I’m astonished.

  ‘I was worried about you,’ Leo says. ‘I came as soon as I could – I needed to make sure you were all right.’

  I’m frozen to the spot, utterly thrown. Is he really standing right there in front of me?

  ‘You look a little shocked.’ He smiles. ‘Shall we get you a drink?’

  ‘I’ll be right back. I’ve just got to—’ I motion a little unsteadily up the corridor to where the loos are.

  ‘OK – I’ll be in the library bar.’

  I nod and walk off, as if we’ve just had a perfectly normal conversation. I slam into the loos – not on purpose, I just push the door too hard – and then bang into a cubicle. Leo is here? As I sit down everything goes a bit swirly for a moment. I giggle nervously and cover my mouth with my hand. Leo is here! Oh this is not good – not good at all. Right, I have to sober up. I flush the loo and stagger back out to wash my hands carefully, before looking in the mirror, pulling a face at myself and trying to tidy my hair a bit. Urgh, if I’d have known I’d be seeing my ex for the first time in years I’d at least have put on a bit more make-up – only as a point of dignity of course, not because I want to impress him or anything. I stumble slightly as I check I have no stream of loo roll attached to my heel, or anything similarly hideous, and make my way back to the library.

  Leo is standing at the bar and when he sees me come in, grins and motions to two cosy armchairs round a small table, in a tucked-away corner. I obediently walk over, sit down and then take my first proper, and extremely curious, look at him.

  The very first time I laid eyes on Leo he was standing at a bar, waiting to be served, as he is now. The déjà vu makes me shiver. His effortlessly elegant suits were expensive even when he couldn’t really afford them; but it was his confidence, his ‘Trust me, I’m a man who has everything under control’ demeanour that always put people at ease. Sure enough, on cue, he says something to the barman, who laughs. He’s been here, what – less than a minute? How does he do it?

  His black hair is definitely shorter, neater and just the slightest bit salt and pepper. He’s also maybe a little stockier, but it suits him – he looks like a man who doesn’t need to shout about his success, it’s evident that it allows him to have it all.

  The same relaxed capability was what attracted me back then. He hadn’t needed to chat anyone up, there was no air of desperation about Leo. He was already having a really good time, which is what made it all the more flattering when the full beam of his attention turned my way. It dazzled me, made me feel special. I wanted to be wanted by him. When people look like they’re having fun you want to tag along for the ride, and whatever ‘it’ was, Leo had in spades. Although, of course, it was the elusive indefinable something which pulled me to him in the first place that also left me with cloyingly painful withdrawal symptoms when he exited – just as abruptly as he had arrived in my life.

  Getting over that man, gathering up the leftover bits of me after he’d gone, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

  But now? I look at him and realise that all I feel is the memory of the effect he once had on me, rather than the feeling itself. Which is both a relief and well, pretty liberating really.

  ‘Here we are!’ He places two vast whiskys on the table.

  ‘That’s not water.’

  ‘No – it’s not, that’s right,’ he says seriously and then his face splits like the Cheshire cat’s. ‘It’s been God knows how many years and that’s what you want? Behave yourself! Now tell me – what the hell happened in the car today then?’

  I open my mouth, but before I have a chance to speak, Pearce walks into the library looking around anxiously, clutching my handbag. He stops up short to see me sat at a table with an unfamiliar man.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says politely, taking in the drinks. ‘I wanted to check that you were … you’d been gone a long … but you obviously are.’ He shoots a glance at Leo, who sits back in his chair with interest, holding his glass. Pearce turns back to me and gives me an oblique stare. He’s met Dan before, knows what he looks like, and knows this isn’t him. ‘Please do excuse me for interrupting,’ he says quickly, to prevent any introductions, and then passes me my bag. ‘Good night.’

  ‘Who’s your boyfriend?’ Leo swallows a mouthful, watches him leave. ‘He looks about ten. You’ve got him well trained though.’ He nods at the bag.

  I look after Pearce worriedly, I’ll have to talk to him in the morning so he doesn’t get the wrong idea. ‘He’s not my boyfriend.’ I turn back to face Leo. ‘Look, how did you even—’

  ‘Oh, come on!’ he teases. ‘You told me where you were going to be!’

  I did? I try to remember.

  ‘This morning? Seconds before you had your smash. I can’t tell you how worried I’ve been about you.’

  I raise my eyebrows as I pick up my drink.

  He looks affronted. ‘Molls, I’m not just some bloke off the street – we used to live together! OK, so we’ve not stayed in each other’s lives, but you were a very important part of mine for a long time. What would you have done if the tables had been turned? You contact me randomly out of the blue, have a car crash and then burst into tears!’

  I think for a moment, about the way it must have appeared to him.

  ‘I knew where you were going to be …’ he shrugs. ‘I had to make sure you were OK. You wouldn’t have just ignored me, would you?’

  I hesitate.

  ‘And confession time – I actually only live twenty minutes down the road. It’s no big deal …’ he sips his drink.

  Oh right. That does make it slightly more understandable.

  ‘Well, it’s … very kind of you,’ I say awkwardly. ‘Sorry about earlier, when I hung up in the car. I think I was in shock.’

  ‘As long as you weren’t hurt, that’s the main thing.’

  ‘No – I’m fine. I am sorry though.’

  He shrugs. ‘Look, if I go home later knowing you’re all right – and that’s it for another few years, I won’t consider this a wasted evening. OK? Don’t sweat it.’

  ‘You must have thought I’d gone mental, randomly messaging you like a crazy then falling apart on the phone.’

  He looks at me thoughtfully. ‘Actually, I was just thinking I’d forgotten how level and capable you are.’

  ‘Level and capable?’ I repeat slowly. How – dull.

  ‘What?’ he frowns. ‘That’s a good thing!’ He looks suddenly serious and pauses for a moment. ‘Can I be honest and say it’s freaking me out a bit to be sat here with you like this? You really haven’t changed one bit you know.’

  I meet his gaze, winter-crisp eyes staring right at me in that unnervingly direct way of his, like there is some sort of secret passing between us. It almost makes me shiver. He’s wrong though – I have changed, and so has he.

  ‘Does your wife mind that you’re here?’ I say lightly, in an attempt to get us back on to safe ground.

  He chuck
les. ‘Helen? Molls, don’t take this the wrong way,’ he reaches for his glass, ‘there are other exes she’d be irritated by my meeting, but not you.’

  Oh. Ouch. What, because I am so safe? Dependable? There is a moment’s pause before I smile brightly. ‘Well that’s good.’ I take an enormous mouthful of drink.

  ‘What I mean is—’

  ‘You don’t need to explain.’

  ‘No, please, I do. When I first got together with Helen, Cara was still in the picture.’

  I can’t help bristling at that name, even after all this time.

  ‘By that I mean she was still calling me a lot,’ he shakes his head as if we both saw that coming … ‘She was … is … completely mad. Anyway,’ he says hastily, as I stay ominously silent, ‘Helen made it very clear she wasn’t having that … and in answer to your question, I doubt she’ll have even noticed I’ve gone out. She’s a very busy lady.’ He trails off and stares straight ahead for a moment before turning back to me with a smile. ‘So. Tell me what’s been going on with you?’

  ‘What, in general?’ I ask. ‘A summary of the last few years?’

  ‘Why not? If I had to give you three words to describe them, what would they be?’ He settles back into his chair and sips his drink.

  ‘Um,’ I shake my shoes off and fold my legs up underneath me as I think about that. ‘Happy, settled, fun.’

  ‘That’s nice …’

  ‘… but boring?’ I finish teasingly.

  He looks a bit surprised. ‘No. Not at all.’

  Which somehow manages to make it sound like I think my life is boring. I quickly reach for my drink to cover the rather awkward moment. ‘And you?’

  ‘Hmmm,’ he mulls that over. ‘Glass half-full.’

  I wrinkle my nose. ‘That doesn’t tell me anything!’

  ‘Oh I’m sorry,’ he laughs, ‘how about … Nothing lasts forever.’

  I make a face. ‘Really?’

  ‘Now why would you assume that’s a negative thing?’ he teases. ‘I might have that on my tombstone you know, apart from liking the irony—’