We Were Memories

by Brandi Aga

  The rest of my day matched my morning. One giant madhouse. All. Day. Long. Sick people, broken bones, cardiac arrest, one drowning vic. I called a code at least six times, possibly my new record. I’m exhausted. In the blur of the day, I realize I never thanked Ryan for my pretty flowers. I buckled them into my front seat so they would make it home safe and sound.

  “These are nice.” Erin takes the card out of my free hand.

  “I know,” I say matter-of-factly as I rip it back out of her hand. “And none of your beeswax.”

  “Seriously?” She pouts like a toddler.

  “Why is everyone so fascinated by my flowers?”

  “Are they from Ryan?” She draws it out in question.

  I stare at her for a moment, plotting her death. “Yes. They are.” I set my stuff down and look around in confusion. “Where’s Sidney?”

  “Oh, I sent her home. I got off early and came home. Your daughter and I have been having some quality auntie-bonding time.”

  “I don’t even want to know what you did to her.”

  She laughs. “Shut up, she loves me.”

  I walk over to my baby and pick her up. I’m surprised she’s still awake. It’s the one thing I still don’t enjoy about working—not seeing her on the days I work is rough. Never gets any easier. “I’m going to take her to bed. I’m beat.”

  “Love ya.”

  “’Night.” I kick the door shut behind me and lay Maddy down in bed with me. She rolls over, putting her hand on my mouth. “My sweet baby girl. Did you have a good day? Mama missed you.” She claws at my lips with her little fingers, and I pretend to bite them, making her laugh.

  It doesn’t take long for her to hit the sack. She just can’t hang past her bedtime. Scooping her up and tiptoeing to her crib, I lay her down with one arm while I pat her butt with the other, whatever it takes to keep the sleeping baby asleep. When I decide I’ve stood here long enough and she isn’t going to wake up, I take my shorts off and climb back in bed. Reaching over to plug my phone in, I remember I still have a thank-you in order and send Ryan a text.

  Me: Thanks for the flowers. They are beautiful <3

  I’m exhausted from the day, but my brain doesn’t catch the memo. I lay my phone down on my chest and surf Netflix. You know you’ve made it as an adult when it’s nine at night and you’re already in bed binge-watching Ashton Kutcher and Sam Elliott. Meanwhile, you can’t stop thinking about what a silver fox Sam is. Good ol’ Netflix. I need to update my relationship status on Facebook to that: Married to Netflix.

  My phone buzzes on my chest, making me jump.

  Ryan: You’re welcome.

  Ryan: Busy day at work?

  Me: Very… I meant to text you earlier but never had the chance.

  Ryan: It’s cool.

  Ryan: How’s Maddilyn?

  Me: Passed out. Couldn’t hang :(

  Ryan: Lol. Know the feeling.

  Minutes pass and neither one of us keep the conversation going. I’m about to change my ringer to silent when it buzzes again.

  Ryan: How inappropriate do you think it would be to ask to see you again?

  Me: Very. I think.

  Three dots that indicate he’s typing appear and disappear. This happens several more times before my phone starts ringing.

  “Hey,” I answer quietly.

  “Hey.”

  “Ryan, I—”

  “Ley, listen—” We both start at the same time, but I sit quiet and let him go first. “I know things are weird right now. I get it. It’s awkward and confusing, but I miss you. So much.” He clears his throat. “I never stopped missing you.”

  All I hear is a ringing in my ears. My throat burns, and I don’t know what to say. So, I do what I do best and make light of the situation. “Pretty sure you did. Your keyboard in your office would say otherwise.”

  He sighs. “Dammit, Leylah. I’m serious.”

  “I know, that’s what scares me.”

  “What are you so afraid of?”

  “It’s not just me anymore, Ryan. I have a whole other human being I have to take into consideration before I go fucking up her life too.”

  “You think I don’t know that?” He snorts. “I was there the day she was born, Leylah. Because I wanted to be. I’ve been here since the beginning. How many times do I have to tell you that to get it through that thick skull of yours?”

  “It’s just weird.”

  “What’s weird?”

  “I don’t know. What are we doing, Ryan?”

  “What can I do? I really fucking miss you.” His voice is pained, hardened. “Let me see you again. Let me show you, if that’s what needs to happen. Don’t be scared. I don’t want you to think I’m just creeping my way back into your life because he didn’t take care of you. I never wanted to let you go. I’ve always been here.”

  “Okay,” I whisper. I hope I’m not making the wrong decision, again. I can’t go through all of this and survive if it fails.

  When I get to Armillio’s club, there are several other cars here. Fuckin’ great. I’m gonna kill that bitch myself when I see her. I shove my knife down in my boot and my gun in my waistband.

  I use the key Meka gave me and try it out on the back door. I’m surprised it works, that she actually gave me the right one. I walk down the hall like I own the joint, not givin’ two shits who sees me. I’m comin’ for you, motherfucker.

  My eyes scan the building, making a note that there’re not many people around, despite how many cars are parked out back. I walk down a hallway I hadn’t seen before. It’s different than all the rest. I wouldn’t have noticed the door at the end of it if I didn’t squint my eyes just right. I press my ear up against it and listen. Nothing.

  “Wrong move there, fucktard.” His words take me by surprise. Pushing his weight up against me, he slams me into the door. He fuckin’ stinks, like piss and sweat. But I don’t slip and let him know I was caught off guard, no. Instead, I laugh. I laugh and laugh like a psychotic lunatic. He lets go and shoves me away from him. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

  I don’t say a word. I stop laughing and stare him straight in the eyes. With a pop, his ass drops to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Blood pools at my feet between my boots. I step over him and continue on.

  “Well, well, well.” As soon as I hear the voice, all the memories come rushing back. My baby sister, sick, half-naked, and sliced up on that disgusting couch. I’ll never forget the way that couch looked. It’s forever embedded in my soul. I’ve never had a rage flow through my blood like this before. Not even the day she died. “You got a lot of balls coming here, kid.”

  Hearing his voice, knowing he’s alive when she didn’t get to live because of him, I’m gonna take that away from him today.

  I turn around slowly and raise my gun, straight between his eyes. There’s a loud scuffle off somewhere in the main room from the sounds of it, but I don’t falter. Don’t flinch, don’t even blink. I hear a gunshot that’s not mine. The lights flicker, and I pull the trigger, over and over again, emptying my magazine until I hear it click, and even then, I don’t stop squeezing the trigger.

  All the sounds around me slowly fade out as I make my way down to the floor. I feel like I’m free falling. All I hear is the ringing in my ears. Then everything goes black.

  Roman ain’t here today. Got guys on my back asking where he is. Where their bikes and shit are at. Fuck if I know. Don’t even know where Roman is, and I’m full of work orders myself. I keep calling his cell, but it goes straight to voice mail.

  “Yo, Andrew. Have you seen Roman around today?” He doesn’t look up, too busy working under the hood of his ol’ 69 Shelby.

  “Nope, he never came in this morning.”

  I walk past him and open the office door. The lights are out, and he’s not here. I’m about to shut the door and lock it up when his desk phone rings. “BCM. Can I do for ya?” The guy on the other end wants a price Roman was supposed to quote for him yesterday. “Ye
ah, I’m sorry, sir. Roman’s not here today, but I’ll have him call ya soon as he gets back.” I end the call and sit down in his chair. I swear I shit my pants when I open the bag sitting front and center on the desk with my name on it. I don’t know what I was expecting to find, but this isn’t it.

  I unzip it all the way, revealing five stacks of cash bigger than my fist, held together with a rubber band, and my passport. What the fuck? I dig around to the bottom and see the paper folded in half. It’s a bank account and routing number with Maddilyn’s name on it. I’m confused, until I see the note stuck to the bottom of the bank statement.

  Take this and use what you need, or take it and put it in this account. Can’t be found. Not linked back to us. I’ll handle everything else. Do this for me, no matter what, got me? Take Woodzy. Take care of him. He loves you.

  Do like I always say and keep your head down and watch your back. Thanks for always being my brother.

  It’s almost over.

  It’s almost over.

  It’s almost over.

  It’s almost over.

  I know where he is.

  “Andrew!” I yell, bounding out of the office faster than I’ve ever moved.

  “What, man?”

  I slow down to catch my breath so he can understand me. “Lock up after I leave. Gotta take care of something. No one comes in the shop the rest of the afternoon, got it?”

  He looks at me half suspicious and half tired of standing here talking to me. “Sure, whatever.”

  I hop on my bike, and the back tire spins as I peel out of the driveway. Maybe, just maybe I can stop him from doing something stupid. I hope I’m not too late.

  I don’t realize what’s happening when I feel the bed dip. The sun isn’t even up yet, and Ryan’s warm, lean body is sliding in next to me, appearing to be fresh out of the shower. I can barely make out his features with the hallway light shining through the crack at the top of the door. He’s still damp and smells like soap. My fingers brush absently at the beads of water on his body as he’s kissing my neck, working his way south.

  “Ryan… what are you doing?” I ask sleepily.

  “Loving on you.”

  “No, I mean what are you doing here?”

  “Shhh… Just go with it.”

  I open my mouth to protest, but I can’t form a coherent sentence with him biting the inside of my thigh. He’s on his knees, lifting my lower body up off the bed, up to his mouth. He works his lips over my center, right on that sweet spot. Ryan clings on and doesn’t let go, wrapping his arms around me, working me over until I’m clawing at the sheets with a death grip.

  He drops me down like I’m on fire, and I shiver at the loss of his touch. The cold air and hot tingle inside me wait to explode through my veins. He stands up at the end of the bed and pulls me down by my ankles. He leans down to kiss me as he pushes into me in one quick thrust. Wrapping my legs around his ass, urging him to go deeper, I can tell he’s close, so I give it up, give my body over to him until I see stars.

  When I wake up from my sex-induced coma, the sun is up and I’m starving, but I’m not sure I’m ready to face Ryan after last night. I realize it’s after eleven in the morning, and I have a minor freak out because Maddy never sleeps this long. She’s not in her crib, so I’m left with no choice but to face Ryan.

  I hear the TV when I get to the edge of the living room and peek my head around the corner before fully outing myself. Ryan has Maddy on a blanket on the floor. She’s lying on her belly kicking her legs and chewing on her monkey. He’s lying next to her on his side only a few inches away, carrying on a conversation. She babbles right back at him, and he rolls with it, acting like he understands what she’s saying. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Good morning.”

  “Hey, Ley.” He makes no move to get up, so I continue on to the kitchen to grab a drink, like I would any other morning. Maddy sees me and starts to cry since I didn’t acknowledge her right away. “What’s wrong?” Ryan asks her, lifting her up into his lap. “Did your mama not say good morning to you?”

  I roll my eyes. “Don’t even start. She has my attention 24/7. Minus three days a week.”

  He hands her over to me, and I rock with her in our chair. Silence stretches out over the room, making what happened last night slightly awkward. “Are we not going to talk about last night?” I finally find the courage to ask.

  “What about it?”

  Okay, maybe I’m the only one who is feeling awkward about this. “Ryan.”

  “Ley.” He sighs and gets up off the floor. “I meant what I said. I want you to stop being so scared. I want to show you how good we can be. Let me. I never would have let it go that far last night if I wasn’t 100 percent invested in this.”

  “It’s not that easy.” I’m a coward and use Maddy as a distraction not to look at him while we talk. I squish her little cheeks, making her giggle.

  “It’s not easy right now because you’re fighting it. I told you, if you let me, I will show you, prove it to you that we can make this work.”

  I look over at him, and he grins at me. That damn mouth of his.

  “You know you miss me at least a little bit.”

  I give him a look—the “please stop talking” look.

  He laughs. “So, is that a yes?”

  “Yes, what?”

  “Just give me something, Ley.”

  “You’re relentless. We’re so dysfunctional.”

  “Wouldn’t want it with anyone else.” He’s joking, but I know he means it, and it means a lot to me.

  “Things are going to be different,” I remind him.

  “Guarantee it.” He nods.

  I hope we don’t regret this.

  Armillio’s club, Arcane, is in my sights in the distance, and what I see makes my heart fall through my stomach. There’s a horde of cop SUVs and blacked-out crime scene investigator trucks taping off the parking lot and the front entrance.

  I drive my bike down the side alley and back around the block so I can park across the street and try to figure out what’s happening without getting too close. Maybe he got out before the cops showed up. He better have so I can kick his dumbass myself when this all blows over.

  I coast around the building, so I don’t make much noise, and sit and watch. It’s hard to see much of what’s going on, there’re so many uniforms parading their happy asses around.

  I’m sweating my ass off, ’bout ready to drive back to the shop and regroup when I see it. Three paramedics in white and black uniforms pull a stretcher out the main entrance. All I can see on the stretcher is the sheet lying over a body.

  One of them walks back inside, and the other stops at the door and waits. After what feels like forever, he waves his hand, motioning for someone to come outside. The paramedics roll another stretcher out. Another body covered with a sheet. I can’t see who it is for the damn guy wheeling them out hovering over them.

  Then I see it.

  Roman’s tattoos. His limp arm.

  It falls straight off the stretcher and dangles lifelessly as they push him into the ambulance opposite the other one they just loaded up.

  The cop supervising shuts the door and bangs on it twice, signaling them to drive away. No lights. No sirens.

  My brother.

  I speed all the way back to the shop. Gotta get Woodzy and that bag.

  It’s early, I just worked three extremely long twelves, and I didn’t get home till late, and now someone is knocking on my door. Ugh. I’m going to kill whoever is standing on the other side if they wake Maddy up.

  I squint from the early morning sunshine as I swing the door open. “Oh, hi.” It’s Ryan.

  He grins. “Morning to you too. Can I come in?” I open the door the rest of the way, and he follows me to the couch.

  “You know they make these devices called cell phones. You should use one.”

  He ignores my smartass attitude. “You should go get dressed. Have something I
want to show you.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “Show me what?”

  “Come on, it’s a surprise. Give me this one.”

  Right on time, Maddy cries out from her crib, letting me know she’s awake. I groan, so tired.

  “Good morning, sweet girl.” Most days she’ll get in the bed with me and go back to sleep, but seeing as we have company this morning, that won’t be happening.

  I head straight for the kitchen, bypassing Ryan. Maddy lights up when she sees him, but alas, her baba trumps everyone who isn’t me. I set her in her high chair while I make her bottle and cut her banana up.

  “I know how to cut a banana too, you know.” He’s standing in the doorframe, arms above his head, exposing his stomach just above his jeans, showcasing that damn grin on his face. “Go shower. Take your time. I got this.” He pushes off the door and waltzes over to Maddy. She’s grinning so hard, showing off her two little bottom teeth, feet just a swingin’ away.

  “Ryan, I’m so tired.” I pause and watch them together. He’s good with her. They’ve slowly formed this bond that I’m grateful for her to have. His face falters at my rejection, and I feel bad for him. He’s really trying here. “What should I wear?”

  “Anything. Something comfortable.” He turns back around to tend to Maddy, and off I go.

  An hour later, I’m freshly showered, my hair is dry, and I have my face on. It’s rare that I get to do that in peace these days, so it was much appreciated. Showering woke me up too; I feel refreshed.

  Maddy’s squeals can be heard by the neighbors, I’m sure. Ryan’s sprawled out on his back on the couch, Maddy sitting on his chest while he blows raspberries on her belly. He then balances her up in the air by her chubby legs, and she can’t stop giggling.

  “You look pretty, Ley.”

  “Thanks…,” I say. I’m not good at this “friends” thing. I can be a good friend, but friends with Ryan, who has overstepped the friend boundary many times, it’s confusing.

  “You ready?”

  “Since her car seat is already in my car, do you want me to just follow you?”