Before I left, I found paper and a pen and scribbled a note. I told him I was sorry.
Then, like a thief in the night, I snuck out.
Chapter 24 – Brian
I opened my eyes, and the sunlight was way too bright. The room was lighter than it usually was when I woke up. It was late.
I rolled over to check my phone on the nightstand, and my head throbbed. My stomach rolled, and I groaned. It was eleven.
Dammit.
I was naked and lying on top of the covers with only the one corner pulled over me. I frowned, trying to remember the night before. It came rushing back at me like a wave crashing onto the shore of my subconscious, and I sat up.
“Sadie?” I called out.
My head protested at jolting upright so quickly, and I pressed my palm against my forehead. My skin was feverish.
“Sadie?” I called again.
She wasn’t next to me. I leaned forward and found only my own clothes in a pile on the floor. Shit. Had she left?
I got up, trying to find my balance when I stood up, and I regretted every drop of alcohol I’d had the night before. I swayed on my feet, and my stomach rolled, but I wasn’t going to run to the bathroom until I knew where Sadie was.
I found boxers and pulled them on. Somehow, walking through my house naked with a hangover seemed pathetic, even if it was my own place, and I was alone.
“Where are you?” I called again, but my voice traveled through the empty house, and I got no reply. On the counter in the kitchen, I found a note.
I had to leave. I’m sorry.
S
Fucking perfect. My stomach rolled again, and this time there was no reason to hold back. I ran to the guest bathroom and threw up, hugging the toilet, feeling like a miserable wretch.
I was suddenly glad she wasn’t here to witness this. But that didn’t mean I was glad she had left.
When I was done throwing up, I had time to think about the note. She’d really left. I wasn’t sure when. I didn’t like it that she’d run out on me. Somehow, it felt like we were back to square one. Again. For the third time now, or was it the fourth?
My phone rang, and I made my way up to the room as fast as I could, considering my condition. I answered the phone, hoping I hadn’t missed the call.
“You’re awake,” Sadie said, and her voice was dull.
“You left,” I said.
It didn’t sound accusing. Thank God.
“I didn’t know what I was feeling. I needed to think. I guess I don’t have to worry about that now. The world has decided what I am.”
“What?” I asked.
I had no idea what she was talking about.
“McMurray’s Latest Fling Sneaks Out on Him,” she said, and I realized she was reading a headline to me. The latest headline.
“Is that what they’re saying?” I asked.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” she asked, and she was bitter. Sarcastic and bitter. “It seems like there’s nothing I can do around you without sounding like trash.”
I shook my head. “That’s not true,” I said.
“Really? Have you read the article? Probably not.”
She was right. I learned a long time ago not to read anything the tabloid blogs said about me. It was rarely true but there was nothing I could do to change it and they would just twist any of my words when I tried to defend myself.
“Here,” she said, as if needing me to listen to her. “I’ll read it to you.”
“Sadie, I know it probably says a bunch of crazy stuff but I really don’t…”
“McMurray has always chosen his companions so carefully that his love life remains mostly a secret, with many speculating he may be more into guys than girls. But even the Sharks’ star player isn’t always lucky in love,” she charged ahead, cutting me off.
I rolled my eyes but let her continue. It was obviously important to her that I hear this.
“His latest fling made it clear she didn’t care who found out about his love life, or anything but herself,” she continued. “She is only there for one thing, sneaking out on him before the night is out, in a classic hit and run. Our favorite player is decidedly not gay but until now he has known where to look for fun and keep it hidden, so he’s obviously not a long-term guy. Since he has never been in a relationship, this is obviously not the first woman to run out on him, and we’re guessing it won’t be the last. It leaves us wondering if his taste is really to be trusted.”
I blinked. They were making it sound like she was just another whore I picked up, not someone I chose for something more.
“I especially love the part where they said I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last. Real classy.”
“That’s not fair,” I said. “It’s pure speculation. They just make stuff up because they don’t know what’s been going on with me or why they could never seem to catch me with a string of women like other players. They basically admit that themselves in the article.”
“Uhh…”
She started and then stopped, as if she wanted to believe me but didn’t want to let herself be too trusting. She looked at me, as if she wanted to believe me.
“Sadie,” I said. “I know it’s hard to trust me when you are just getting to know me again. But why believe a trashy tabloid site over me? Have I given you any reason to believe I’d lie to you?”
I imagined her shaking her head, as if what I said was sinking in. But then she was silent for long enough that I was scared I’d said something wrong.
“Sorry,” she finally relpied. “It’s just hard to grasp… all of this. Not just everything that has happened in our past. But also the fact that you’re a professional football player who is under a microscope and that everything I do will be judged.”
“I know. Look, please can we meet? Let’s talk about this.”
She laughed, and it wasn’t a good laugh. “What, so they can write more things about me that aren’t true?”
“I just want to fix this and make you feel better,” I said. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t lure you to my house with the intention of giving them something to write about.”
She sighed. “I hear what you’re saying, Brian, and I know it’s not your fault. But I can’t do this. I don’t want to meet up with you. I don’t want to talk about what happened or try and feel better. It’s becoming clear that this is a mistake.”
I was losing her. I had to think fast on my feet, so I said the first thing that came to mind. I’d do anything to keep her this time.
Chapter 25 – Brian
“Just come to the game, then,” I said, desperately racking my brain for an event or reason she would have to see me, and coming up with that. “It’s tomorrow night. I’ll leave tickets for you. Bring your friend. Hanson’s wife Lacey will be there watching. We’ll meet up after. Please, I just want to see you.”
She hesitated. “Maybe,” she said.
“It’s not a no,” I said. “I’ll take it. I’ll leave tickets for you. Please, Sadie.”
“I’ll think about it,” she said and hung up.
I sat on my bed, staring at the phone, feeling like shit for various reasons. I couldn’t sit there forever, though. I had to get myself to a point where I would be ready for training later. I had to eat to get rid of the hangover as much as I could, shower to clean up when I smelled like alcohol and sex, and get in the mood to run laps.
A lot of laps. God, I really wasn’t in the mood.
I arrived at training in time, and as decent as I was going to get, considering how I felt. I felt drained. Nausea was still a recent memory, and despite taking pills, I couldn’t get rid of the headache.
Hanson grinned when he saw me. “You look rough,” he said.
I groaned in response. If he could see it, everyone else would, too.
We geared up and walked onto the field. Coach Rudi was already there.
“McMurray!” he called, and I jogged to him, trying to look as upbeat as
I could. “Am I going to have any trouble with you today?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t think you usually had trouble with me, Coach.”
Coach sighed. “Don’t let your image become your downfall. What we look like to the public means a lot. I thought you had already learned from seeing what Hanson went through. You’re supposed to be my squeaky clean image guy, Brian.”
Oh. He was referring to the news. I was all over it now.
“Sorry, Coach.”
He shook his head. “The worst thing they used to have to say about you was that you must not be out of the closet yet, and that’s not even a bad thing. Now you go and give them a bunch of mud to ruck up. Do I need to get Lacey back here to sort you out, too?”
“No, Coach,” I said.
I wasn’t in need of PR help. I could handle my personal life just fine. The paparazzi were making me look bad. Hanson really had been running around looking for shit for a while. I hadn’t been doing that at all; I had just been minding my own business, living my own life— or trying to get my own life back— when I was unfairly targeted by the press.
“Get back on the field, and prove to me that you didn’t waste away your career with alcohol last night,” Coach said.
I told him I would and ran back to Hanson. I wanted to lie down on the grass and close my eyes, but that wasn’t going to happen. In fact, I would have to push harder than usual to make Coach happy.
And I understood where he was coming from, just as I understood where Sadie was coming from. It was undoubtedly hard to be with a football player who was always in the news— or to coach one. But my pounding head had no patience for the lecture Coach had just given me.
This just wasn’t my day, was it?
“I saw the article,” Hanson said when I joined him again on the field.
“There’s really nothing I can say about that,” I said.
“I just wanted to tell you, I get it, man. It’s hard. But fight for what you want and what you believe in. Trust me, that’s the only thing that’s worth it.”
I nodded. Hanson was a good friend, and his advice was sound. The problem wasn’t me. I wasn’t the one not fighting for what I wanted. I fought as hard as I could.
Sadie was fighting, but only to get away from me. If someone didn’t want something, there was only so much that could be done before it was over.
Chapter 26 – Sadie
I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go see Brian again. On the one hand, I couldn’t forget the feeling that overcame me every time I saw Brian. Since I’d seen him on the field that first night after five years, that feeling had been haunting me. When we’d had sex, I’d realized what that feeling meant.
Wouldn’t it be a shame to throw all that away? You didn’t get that kind of attraction with just anyone. I was hesitant to label it, but that feeling meant something to me. If I decided not to go, I would be giving up on that feeling, and it was a very serious decision to make.
What if I never found that feeling again? What if no one else ever made me feel the way I felt about Brian? Even when he was a stranger to me, something about him felt familiar, comfortable. Something about him felt like home.
On the other hand, I didn’t know if I had what it took to ride the wave of infamy that came with being with Brian. Since we’d done anything serious, the paparazzi had picked up our trail, and now, no matter what we did, we were in the papers. I was struggling enough as it was. I didn’t need this kind of drama in my life.
Brian was a great guy, but I didn’t remember everything he did. It felt unfair to expect something so big from me, when anyone else in the same headspace as me would have an equal blank page to begin with. Even with Brian trying to get to know me just as a friend, he still had all the memories that I’d lost. Holding them back didn’t change the fact that they were there.
I felt like I was at a disadvantage with Brian because he would always know more about me than I knew about him. He would always expect it to be the kind of love he remembered us sharing. How would I know what that was? What if I ended up being one colossal disappointment? I didn’t know if I could handle that.
I phoned Lorraine.
“I don’t know what to do,” I told her. “A part of me wants to go. Another part wants to tell him to leave me alone and never come back.”
“Maybe you should go,” Lorraine said. “He’s really trying hard for you. You’ve pushed him away so many times. Any other man would have run for the hills, but he keeps trying. That’s got to mean something. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved someone enough to endure that kind of rejection repeatedly.”
The word love shocked me like a bolt of electricity. It shouldn’t have. I’d known since I picked him up drunk that he still loved me. It was the biggest reason I slept with him. Feeling that loved and feeling something similar for him made me close my eyes and jump, hoping he would catch me.
I never gave him a chance to prove to me that he could, though. Every time he was willing to be there for me, I was the one that ran away.
“Will you come with me?” I asked. “He’s arranged tickets for both of us.”
Lorraine agreed. “It will be cool to sit in the stands for a change and not be on the field or in the locker rooms.”
The game was at the Hard Rock Stadium, home of the Florida Sharks, and the atmosphere was electric. Everywhere, fans were dressed in the team’s aqua and orange colors.
I hadn’t dressed up. Lorraine had put on an orange top to join in the fun. I’d picked up the tickets from the ticket office, following the instructions Brian had sent me.
Lorraine took the tickets from me. “These are box seat tickets,” she said. “We’re watching in style today.”
I hadn’t noticed. Brian had gotten us the best of the best. I was starting to get excited. Box seats at a Sharks game, even though it was still preseason, was enough to get anyone worked up. I had expected it to be empty, but the stadium was slowly filling up.
We were escorted to our seats, and I burst out laughing. They were called 72 Club Living Room Box seats. The chairs were leather with brown partitions between the rows and television screens with the game up close while you could view the actual field from the 35-yard line. The seats were wider, with more legroom, and the seats had their own in-seat service.
When we sat down, someone came to take our food and drink orders. It included alcohol, and Lorraine and I both ordered wine.
I couldn’t believe it. Everything about Brian, all the way down to his football games, were the definition of luxury. I had never watched a game in style like this. It was new and exciting, and it made me feel like I was part of the rich and famous.
Hell, I was already in the papers like one of them.
“Hello,” said a woman seated to my left. She had a chubby, cherubic looking baby on her lap. “You must be Sadie. I’m Lacey, Hanson’s wife. And this is my best friend Kina.”
She held out her hand towards a woman seated on her far side of us.
“Nice to meet you,” I told her, as I introduced Lorraine and we all shook hands with each other.
And it really was. It was calming to know that other women did this crazy thing— dated a football player— and that sometimes it turned out okay. Sometimes they appeared to live relatively sane lives, with marriage and a baby included.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Lacey said. “And yes, it really is possible to date a football player.”
I laughed, loudly and freely for the first time in a while. I already liked this Lacey chick. And I was glad we had come.
The glasses of wine arrived. We watched as the seats filled with locals, wearing the fan colors.
I sipped the wine. Lorraine had ordered a platter when the wine arrived, and it was delivered soon after. We nibbled on the food and sipped the wine. God, we were living the life.
“You know what, Sades?” Lorraine asked. I looked at her. “I know this is hard and everything, but there are perks to dating a pro player.
All of this is really nice.”
I laughed and nodded. “It is really nice. And you’re right about there being perks.”
“Uh huh,” Lacey said from beside us, winking at us.
Her baby reached out to take my hand, so I let him.
“Awww, what a cute little guy.”
“Thanks,” she said, with a smile. “But I’m not sure you’d say that while changing his diaper at three in the morning.”
“No,” I told her, laughing while I curled my finger around the baby’s. “I don’t think I would.”
My thoughts returned to dwelling on Brian. I didn’t tell Lorraine that the money and the luxury weren’t as important to me as the emotions behind everything. I was still unsure about what I felt, but we were having a good time, and the seats were amazing.
I told myself to just relax and have fun. But I never seemed to be very good at that and I was nervous about whatever was going to happen— or not— between Brian and me.
Chapter 27 – Sadie
After a few minutes of staring ahead and willing myself not to talk about Brian, I couldn’t help but do just that.
“I just don’t know how to deal with all these stupid tabloid articles,” I said to Lorraine. “They’re driving me mad.”
Lorraine nodded. “I noticed that.”
She was referring to the night I took my mood out on the girls. Since then, they’d forgiven me, and I’d gone back to my normal training routine.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with them twisting the information like that.”
Lorraine frowned. “Can I be honest with you?” she asked.
I nodded. “Please,” I said.
I could really do with a little reality check right about now.
“Well,” she said. “I don’t mean this to come across wrong, but they’re not exactly twisting anything.”
I opened my mouth to argue. I was shocked.
“Don’t get upset yet,” Lorraine said. “Hear me out.”
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