by T Gephart
“Jessica.” My mom stood, the smile not hitting her eyes as she held out her arms for a hug. “You have everything organized with your boss?”
“Yes, everything is organized. I’ll fly out tomorrow morning. Hopefully by then we will have some more answers on Gran.” I wrapped my arms around her, sensing her tension.
“Good, I’m glad to have you home for an extra night. We can have a nice dinner at the house or we can go out, whatever you want.” She played with my hair like she always did when she was nervous.
“Mom, she will be okay.” I made assurances I had no right to make. “And we can do whatever you want to do.”
She collected herself, pushing back the concern. “Well, what I want is a tall gin and tonic, and some of Gran Shelly’s fudge. Maybe you can help me get together the ingredients and make sure your daddy doesn’t eat the whole batch before it’s cooled.”
“I can’t help it, LeeAnn.” My dad laughed, giving my mom a kiss on the cheek. “That fudge is pretty hard to resist.”
We set about making fudge and a bunch of other baked goods and waited to hear news on Gran. I was still unsure about leaving in the morning but staying indefinitely in Louisiana wasn’t an option.
“You want to talk about it?” My mom wiped down the counter, putting the last of the dishes in the sink.
I’d been trying to push it from my mind, but the look on Dave’s face when he left still gave me chills. “Not really, I’d rather not.”
She nodded, her sympathetic eyes revealing she wanted to ask more but was giving me my space.
I’d have thought I’d have been relieved when it was over. Grateful that I no longer had to keep up the pretense of a fake relationship. But I didn’t feel good at all. Instead I felt empty, like my emotions were adrift and grieving the loss of something that hadn’t even been mine in the first place.
It was supposed to be easy. Our performance putting the lie to bed with our eventual break up. It would set me free, allowing me to save face in front of my family and not admit to what I had done.
But what I felt was far from free.
Instead, I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life and let go of the only man I really loved. And what was worse, I had no idea what he felt in return.
And now I might never know.
I wasn’t sure what had been the bigger lie.
That I’d convinced myself we were pretending.
Or that I was capable of letting him go.
ARRIVING BACK IN L.A. WAS both a blessing and a curse. The anxiety of my family hadn’t left me even though I’d left the state—doctors still not sure on Gran’s condition—and I was suddenly confronted with the problems I had set aside to deal with later.
Later was suddenly now.
I didn’t bother going home to my apartment, instead going straight to the office. Jeremy dropped to his knees, welcoming me back in exaggerated gratitude. He “rewarded” my return with a to-do list as long as my arm as I sat at my desk. Apparently he hadn’t trusted Katrina, so he saved it for me like a special gift.
Katrina was also relieved, deciding her previous ambitions of a promotion weren’t really for her and she liked not having the extra responsibility.
Matt picking her up at her desk after work meant I’d been momentarily spared her inquisition. She was still demanding I tell her all about how understanding my family had been, but I didn’t have it in me to lie. Liz sent me similar messages, but they were easier to avoid. I knew I would eventually have to tell them something, I just couldn’t deal with it now.
Thankfully the day passed quickly, and other than a brief message to Dave that I’d landed, I hadn’t heard from him.
“Nick.” I looked up to see Dave’s younger brother standing in front of my desk. On instinct my head turned, discreetly trying to see if he was alone. “Hey, I don’t have you down for a meeting, Did you and Jeremy have an appointment I didn’t know about?”
“Yeah, five thirty. It’s not like you to forget.” He grinned, the famous Larsson smile making me want to throw up for the first time in history.
Ignoring his smile, I checked the schedule again, making sure Katrina hadn’t screwed up and entered it in wrong. “Sorry, Nick, but I don’t have you down for today.”
“Are you sure? I’ve set up a reminder and everything.” He pulled out his phone and scrolled across what I assumed was his calendar.
“Shit, my bad. It’s for tomorrow. I could have sworn it was for today.” He shook his head, seeming to be annoyed.
It was startling how much he looked like his older brother. Same brown eyes, same light brown hair and when they smiled, it was almost identical.
“I’m sorry, Nick, but Jeremy has already left for the day. He had a meeting with a studio head.” I bit my lip, checking Jeremy’s schedule to see if he was coming back.
Nope.
No such luck, he was heading straight to a dinner and wouldn’t be in the office until tomorrow morning.
“No drama, it’s my own stupid fault for not checking before coming down here.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow then.” He gave me a wicked grin.
Between Dave and Nick, Nick was definitely the bigger flirt. And while both were equally charming—able to bring women to their knees with just a look—Dave had something extra that I just couldn’t place.
Not that it mattered now.
“I know seeing me is the highlight of anyone’s day. Try to contain your excitement.” I tried not to sound too pathetic, faking a laugh as I shut down my computer and grabbed my things.
It wasn’t a huge consolation, but at least I was done for the day. Leaving me free to go back to my apartment and wallow in peace.
“You’re going home?” He looked at the purse slung over my shoulder as I stood from my desk and pushed in my chair.
I nodded, checking my phone one last time to see if there was a message from Dave.
There wasn’t.
Not sure why I expected one.
“Yeah, I flew in this morning from out of state and I’m looking forward to getting back to my apartment. My plans for the evening include getting comfortable, eating something from a takeout container and doing as little as possible.”
His eyes widened, clutching his chest in faux shock. “Wow, I don’t think it’s me who’s in danger of too much excitement. Takeout, alone, in your apartment—here I was thinking that my plans for the night were a little out of control.”
I grabbed my suitcase, wheeling it out from behind my desk. “Oh, har-har. And what are your plans for the evening? A hot date with a posse of beautiful women? Don’t mock me.”
I imagined that was what all the Larsson men did, because dating one woman would surely be a waste. I also didn’t want to think about whether or not my description of his evening plans would also extend to his brother.
“That was yesterday. Tonight is just Dave and I drinking and eating pizza. He just got back from some bullshit shoot in Texas.” He laughed, staring down at my suitcase. “You have a ride home? I have my car.”
What I should have done was politely declined his offer of a ride, called a cab and gone home to my plans of eating dinner alone in my apartment. Then I could continue wrestling with my emotions a little while longer and obsess about how Dave was spending his night. But of course mention of his name made the offer too tempting to ignore, the opportunity presenting itself in what I could only assume was fate.
Nick’s wrong appointment time, mentioning his brother, and offering me a ride home—surely it was too much of a coincidence to ignore.
“I would love a ride home, as long as you’re sure it’s not out of your way. I would hate to derail your fun night of pizza and gossip with your brother.”
While I attempted to sound casual and uninterested in Dave and the mention of his “bullshit” shoot, internally I was screaming, wanting to know all the things. It was junior high all over again, hanging out with your crush’s b
est friend and pumping them for information, hoping to find out if they’d mentioned you. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have cared, but I was struggling not knowing.
“Pfft, he’s been in a bad mood since he got back anyway.” He grabbed my suitcase and wheeled it into the hall. “Besides, he’s probably not even home yet, I’ve got all kinds of time.”
“Well, if you’re sure. That would be great.” I didn’t argue, leading the way out the door.
“So, business or pleasure?” Nick looked down at my suitcase as we traveled in the elevator down to the lobby.
“Family, my cousin got married in Shreveport and I went back for the wedding,” I answered, unable to make direct eye contact.
“Shreveport, isn’t that only a few hours from Dallas?” He held the metal doors open as we stepped out of the elevator.
I coughed, the question catching me off guard. “It’s about three hours. Not very far.”
“Wow, you two should have caught up. Sounds like he could have used someone to keep him entertained. Apparently the director was a real asshole.”
“Well, I was really busy with the wedding and all.” Do not panic, he has no idea you were together. “Wait . . . he said the director was an asshole?” My head snapped around, Nick getting my full attention.
Did that mean he thought I was the asshole?
Considering I was the architect, there weren’t a lot of other people it could mean.
“Yeah.” He looked at me with hesitation like he wasn’t sure if he should have mentioned it. “I assumed he would have called you guys.”
My hand gripped tight around my handbag, trying to play it cool. “Maybe he called the office,” I offered knowing full well that he didn’t. “I was out of town so . . . what else did he have to say? I mean, it would be good to give Jeremy the feedback. This was for the independent project we sent him on, right?”
Not that there was a chance he was talking about some other project he’d been working on, but I’d hoped there might have been a miscommunication.
“Yeah, he was cagey about it, said he’d signed an NDA.” He rolled his eyes; clearly not impressed he didn’t know more. “Anyway,” he continued, pointing out his silver Mercedes coupe. “From what I could gather it was a complete waste of his time. Lucky for him it was only four days. At least he’s getting paid for it.”
Ah. Shit.
I’d had every intention of paying him. We had an agreement, and it was only fair that he was compensated for his time. But him leaving so suddenly meant I hadn’t had a chance, which also meant I still needed to do that.
Just thinking about it made my skin crawl, the reminder of the cash transaction made our time together seem tainted. It had been a job, it was only right he got paid. But Jesus, I hated the thought of him being a date for hire.
What would be worse? If I paid him, or I didn’t?
A knot tightened in the pit of my stomach as Nick tossed my suitcase in the back and opened the car door.
I slipped inside, acting casual as he got behind the steering wheel and started the ignition. Torn between wanting to ask more questions and scared to hear the answers.
Nick turned his head and laughed. “You going to tell me where you live, or am I supposed to guess?”
“Shit, West Hollywood.” I rattled off my address as I settled into the seat and stared out the windshield. “Thanks.”
He nodded, pulling into traffic and heading toward my apartment.
We made small talk as he drove, me leading the conversation to safer waters and asking about him and his work. I nodded, hmming in the right places as I tried to sound interested, but I couldn’t get my mind off Dave and what he’d said to his brother.
They were family; there was no reason for him to not tell him the truth.
The irony was killing me.
“Here you go.” He stopped in front of my apartment building, getting out of the car to pull out my case. “Need a hand getting it up the stairs?”
I stepped onto the sidewalk, grabbed the handle of my suitcase and shook my head. “Nope, I’ve got it. Thanks.” My eyes shifted to my apartment, a tight grin forming on my lips. “I better go get started on my big plans. I still haven’t decided which takeout I’m going to order.”
“You want to come to our place and hang out?” he asked with no hesitation.
I stopped, wondering if I’d actually heard him correctly “You want me to come hang out? With you and Dave?”
“Why not, it’s not like we don’t know each other and haven’t hung out before. Unless of course you’re serious about wanting to spend the night alone in your apartment. No judgment here if you do.” He held his hands up as he relaxed against his car.
Say no, damn it.
Tell him you want to soak in the tub with an overpriced bath bomb until you turned pruney.
Or that your plans involved mindless television and junk food without the audience.
Or even that you were so tired you were going to crash and not up for any kind of human interaction.
Anything.
“I need to change,” I heard myself say, my mind rearing back in horror as my mouth continued unauthorized.
“I can wait, I’m in no hurry.” He grabbed the suitcase back out of my hands and carried it toward my gate. “You need a code for this thing or key?” He tossed the words over his shoulder while I stood on the sidewalk wondering what the hell I’d just agreed to.
By some miracle I was able to get my feet moving, entering the code and opening the front gate. Nick waited, letting me take the lead as I strode to my apartment on the first floor, my hands barely able to get the keys in the door and open the goddamn lock.
“I’ll just be a few minutes.” I tossed my keys into the dish on my sideboard, wondering what the hell I’d been thinking when I agreed. “Make yourself at home, there’s drinks in the fridge if you’re thirsty.”
“Take your time, like I said, we’re in no rush.”
As he took a seat on my sofa and picked up a copy of Vanity Fair I had laying on the coffee table, I thanked God I’d cleaned before leaving town. Not that my level of cleanliness mattered right now, especially when throwing myself into the unknown was the bigger problem.
Grabbing my suitcase and shutting myself in my room, I had a whole new level of panic.
It would be the first time I’d seen him since the fake showdown at my parents’ house. We’d had a brief conversation after and things had been icy since. So as vain as it sounded, I didn’t want the first time he saw me post-breakup to be looking like shit. Which I knew was completely stupid and yet, didn’t bother fighting it.
Taking Nick at his word of not being in a hurry, I threw myself into my shower, quickly reapplied my makeup and then sat in front of my closet mumbling obscenities under my breath. I had no idea what to wear, not wanting to come across as trying too hard and not wanting to look like I didn’t give a shit. I finally settled on a white maxi dress and teamed it with a denim jacket, hoping it made me look cool and causal instead of the hot mess that I was.
Tossing on a pair of strappy sandals and taking one last look in the mirror, I quickly wrote out a check for five thousand dollars and stuffed it into the pocket of my jacket. I wasn’t sure how I was going to broach the subject of payment, but I’d decided regardless of how awkward it felt to pay him, he’d earned the money fair and square.
“Wow.” Nick smirked as I emerged from my room. “You really know how to make those few minutes count, don’t you?”
“If working with Jeremy has taught me anything, it’s how to get ready in a hurry.” I walked over to the sideboard and grabbed my keys. “I’ll follow you in my car so I can drive myself back.”
He shrugged, lifting himself off the sofa as he followed me to the door. “If you’re tired from your trip, one of us can drive you home. We don’t live far.”
As tempting as the offer was, I didn’t want to be reliant on either of them to get home if shit became weird. Hell, my im
promptu visit might only last an hour, my excuse of being tired already stowed away in case it was needed for an early getaway.
“Thanks, but it seems silly for you guys to drive me back. I’m good to go.” I jangled my keys even though I was far from ready.
Nick followed me out, waiting for me to lock the door before we descended the stairs into my courtyard. While he went out the gate to where his Mercedes was parked, I got into my car and drove out of the apartment block, meeting up with him on the street.
He pulled out in front, taking the lead even though I already knew where he and his brother lived. Their duplex wasn’t far, with both of us pulling up in front of it not long after.
Nerves plagued me as I followed him up the stairs to his front door, watching him push it open and stepping inside.
“Honey, I’m home,” he called out, shooting me a grin. He closed the door behind us, tipping his chin to the living room.
“About fucking time.” Dave’s voice floated in from another room. “I was going to order without you, I’m freaking starving.”
My eyes widened as he walked in, a towel around his waist while he casually dried his hair with another. His chest was still damp, a tiny rivulet of water traveling across his muscles I was dying to lick.
And having done it in the past and knowing what it felt like, just made it more difficult to resist.
Nick laughed, tipping his chin toward Dave. “Hey Bro, you might want to throw some clothes on. Jess doesn’t want to see your junk.”
The hell I didn’t.
I waved lamely as I took a seat on the sofa.
“Jess, what a pleasant surprise.” He folded his arms across his chest, making no moves to change his state of undress. “To what do we owe this pleasure?”
“Nick invited me,” I blurted out, hoping he believed I hadn’t engineered the whole thing. “I think he was jealous of my plans of takeout and television.”
“Indeed, she just got back from Shreveport. Family wedding.” Nick grabbed his phone and started dialing. “What pizza am I getting?”