by Rosie Clarke
‘He was a cabinet maker, good at fixing things,’ Mr Johnson said the tears running down his cheeks. ‘Ever since he was a lad he was always whittling away at a bit of wood or making something.’
‘I’m afraid that is out of the question. As I said, he may need help dressing himself at first – and we’re not sure about his eyes. When he was brought in he was totally blind, though there has been some improvement in that area. We think he may recover partial sight but the heat caused some damage to the eyes …’
Mr Johnson gasped and staggered. Emily caught his arm, steadying him.
‘He’s still alive,’ she said. ‘Cling on to that, Bill. We mustn’t give way to grief. Christopher will not want us to feel sorry for him.’ She lifted her head and looked at the doctor. ‘I am Christopher’s fiancée and I need to know the worst. Will he be able to walk and talk?’
‘Yes, there was no damage sustained to the lower half of his body and he is able to understand what we say to him – and to answer if he feels like it, though he isn’t inclined to say much. He is aware of what has happened to him and is finding his situation hard to accept at the moment.’
‘Yes, I understand. It is a terrible thing to have to face,’ Emily said. ‘But we’re here for him – aren’t we, Bill?’
Mr Johnson looked at her gratefully. ‘Thank you, lass. It’s more than I could expect or ask of you. God bless you for being here. I’m not sure I could have taken this on my own.’
‘Where else should I be?’ Emily removed her gloves. She’d taken time to slip on her ring earlier. ‘Christopher is my friend and I love him. I couldn’t desert him now.’
‘Very well.’ The doctor smiled at her. ‘Not every young woman reacts to bad news like that, Miss Carter. Mr Johnson is fortunate – but, I’m warning you, he may not accept your decision. Some of our patients reject anything they think may be pity – and injuries like this can alter a man’s personality.’
‘I understand, but I want to be there for him when he’s ready,’ Emily said. ‘May we see him now please?’
‘Just don’t expect too much at first.’
‘He needs time to accept,’ Emily said, outwardly calm.
Inside she was bleeding. Christopher was a special friend. She cared for him and she knew he loved her. He’d sent her his ring and he wanted her to marry him. She’d thought at the time that it would be hard to tell him she didn’t want to marry him, but now it was impossible. She just couldn’t turn her back on him now that he was so badly injured. She had no choice but to stand by him – and marry him when he was ready.
Disappointment and regret lurked at the back of her mind, but she thrust them away. She couldn’t think of her own needs or desires when Christopher needed her so much. His life would never be the same again. The least she could do was to help him get through the pain and frustration as best he could.
As she’d followed the nurse past rows of beds with identical counterpanes, all of them neatly tucked under with proper hospital corners, Emily caught the familiar smell of antiseptic and carbolic soap plus an underlying odour of sickness. Somehow, the nurses created order out of chaos and pain, curtains discreetly closed about beds where patients were being violently sick or receiving treatment for ghastly wounds. Wheelchairs and commodes told their own tale, as did a pair of wooden crutches and a trolley with steel dishes and rolls of bandages.
Looking down at Christopher’s bandaged hands and head, pity and grief tugged at Emily’s heart. He’d been so young and bright and full of life. He was a clever man and she’d always believed that he would make a success of his life. Recalling his eagerness to join up and fight for his country, she felt her throat tighten with emotion. He did not deserve to be repaid like this – but then, none of them did. All the best and the brightest had been the first to volunteer and too many of them were dying or coming home badly wounded. It was such a waste.
‘Emily … it is you, isn’t it? I can smell your scent,’ Christopher’s voice sent a tingle down her spine, because he sounded just like himself. ‘You shouldn’t have come, love. I’m no damned good to you now. Please go away and forget about me.’
Emily reached for him, her hand gentle as she touched his bare arm, which was showing above the sheet.
‘I’m not going to leave you, Christopher. I’m wearing your ring and if you think you can get out of marrying me that easily you’re mistaken. Breach of promise that is – I could sue you for a fortune.’
A strangled laugh broke from his lips. ‘That’s just what I thought you’d say, Emily love, but it won’t do. I love you too much to let you ruin your life looking after me. My father will do that …’
‘I’m here, son,’ Bill Johnson said, his voice gruff with emotion. ‘Me and your mother would look after you, but Emily isn’t going anywhere. She’s stronger than any of us, lad. She won’t let you down.’
‘It isn’t what I want …’ Christopher moved his hands and moaned in pain. ‘Look at these. What sort of a husband would I be?’
‘We’ll look after you,’ his father said. ‘You can live with us. In time you may be able to find some kind of work. Not what you’re used to, son – but we’ll manage.’
Christopher turned his head to one side. ‘Please go away, Emily. I don’t want pity.’
‘I love you. I’ve always cared for you – and I’m not going anywhere. Get used to it, Christopher Johnson. I’m going to stick around no matter what you say.’
Christopher remained stubbornly silent. They stood in silence but he had closed off and refused to speak or look at them, and a few moments later a nurse came up to them.
‘He’s tired,’ she said. ‘Please leave now and visit another day.’
‘Yes, I shall.’ Emily bent down. She gently kissed his mouth, which was all she could see of his face and then each bandaged hand in turn. ‘I’ll be here tomorrow, Christopher – and every day. I’m going to be your wife one day, whether you like it or not.’
He moved his head negatively on the pillow but didn’t say anything. Emily walked away, her shoulders back and her head high. Outside the ward, she stopped and took out her handkerchief, wiping away the foolish tears.
‘Don’t cry, lass. You were wonderful in there,’ Bill Johnson said. ‘I shall have to go home and tell his mother the news. She may pluck up the courage to come and visit him now. Will you be all right here alone for a couple of days?’
‘Yes, of course. You need to see your wife. I can find a room near the hospital so that I can visit often.’
‘I’ll help you get settled and then I’ll be off,’ he said. ‘I’m proud of you for the way you’ve stood by my lad, Emily. I’ll give you some money. I don’t want you going short while you’re here.’
Emily would have refused, but knew he wouldn’t give in. He was a proud man like his son and wanted to do right by her.
‘Could you send a message to the manor – let them know I’m staying here for a while. I’ll need to report back to work in a few days, but I’m sure they will understand that I have to give notice. Christopher comes first now.’
‘Aye, I’ll do that for you. I meant what I said, Emily. Don’t you worry about money or the future. You stand by him and you won’t lose by it. I’ll see you have a roof over your heads and enough to live on.’
‘Thank you – but we have to wait for Christopher to accept what has happened. I shall be there if he needs me, but if he can’t bear …’ She shook her head. ‘We won’t think about that just yet. We have to think about him getting better …’
Chapter 34
‘I can see a little now,’ Christopher said as Emily sat by his bed that morning, a week after she’d first visited him at the hospital. ‘They’ve been bathing my eyes and the sight is coming back little by little. The doctor says I’ll see almost as well as before – but it’s my hands that are the worst. I’ve lost three fingers on my left hand and the rest are badly burned. I shan’t be able to work with wood the way I could, Emily.’
/> ‘When you’re well again you’ll find a job of some kind,’ Emily assured him. ‘I know you must be suffering a lot of pain but …’
‘It’s not the pain,’ he said. ‘You know I’ll be scarred and … it’s not fair on you, Emily. You’re so lovely. You could find someone else and have a much better life than I’ll be able to give you.’
‘You were there for Pa and me when we needed you. You’re my friend and I love you,’ Emily said. ‘I’m not going to walk out on you, Christopher. I know you have a lot of frustration and pain to face but I’ll do what I can to help – and if we love each other enough we’ll get through it.’
‘Can you really bear it?’
‘You’re the one who has to bear it,’ Emily said. ‘I can’t take the pain away or the frustration. You’ll be angry but you mustn’t be bitter. You’re alive and your injuries will heal in time.’
Christopher was silent for a moment, then, ‘I know you’re right, Emily. We saw them in the trenches every day. They lost their arms, legs, some of them had their guts hanging out and others had no face left. Some were patched up and sent down the line, others we buried where we could.’
‘It must have been hell for you. We can read what they say in the papers but we have no true idea of what it’s like over there.’
‘It’s as well you don’t, Emily love. One of the worst things was waiting for letters from home. Some of the men got letters that drove them to tears – wives, sweethearts, letting them down.’
‘I would never let you down, Christopher. If I say I’ll marry you I will.’
‘Aye, I know and I’m lucky,’ he said. ‘I hope you won’t regret it.’
‘Well, I’m about to be given my marching orders,’ Emily said. ‘Sister is looking at me in a meaningful way. I’ll come again this evening.’
‘What will you do until then?’
‘Oh, look round the shops – and there’s a volunteer meeting in town this afternoon.’
‘You make the best of everything, don’t you?’ Christopher turned his head towards her as she bent to kiss his mouth. ‘I really love you, Emily. I promise I’ll get right again for you.’
‘I’m sure you will when you’re well enough,’ Emily said. ‘Now I’d better go or Sister will have my guts for garters.’
A laugh broke from Christopher, followed by a moan of pain. She touched his arm and then left, stopping at the ward door to glance back at him and wave. He might not be able to see clearly but he would know.
Emily felt much better as she left the hospital. Out in the fresh air she could breathe more easily and take stock of what was happening. The streets were busy as people rushed from one place to another, their lives carrying on as usual. People got on buses and trams, did their shopping, went to the theatre and listened to the music as the Sally Army played hymns in the square. Life didn’t stop just because a man was killed and another badly injured; it was only his loved ones that were left to pick up the pieces and carry on.
Christopher was so much more cheerful now that he could begin to see shapes again. He was hopeful for the future and that was all she could ask for. The struggle to get well would be long and difficult but at least he’d accepted that she wasn’t going away. She would be with him, helping him where she could. It was true that for a long time she might be more of a nurse than a wife to him, but she wouldn’t mind that, because she loved him in her fashion. It wasn’t romantic love or the love she might have known with someone else – but that was impossible anyway. Emily was one for facing the reality of life and the reality was that she couldn’t walk away from Christopher. If she’d done that she wouldn’t have been able to forgive herself.
She was feeling hungry. She would find a little café, have something to eat and then go to that volunteer meeting. The shops were interesting but she didn’t want to waste her money, because she might need it in future and there was nothing she particularly needed, so she would spend her afternoon listening to women talk about why they should have more rights.
It was nearly four in the afternoon when Emily left the meeting. It had been a little noisy, because some of the women had been angry about the way the government was running things, and shouted abuse from time to time. Emily suspected they might be members of the Suffragettes, who could not resist the opportunity to bring in politics, despite their leaders declaring a cessation of protests until the end of the war.
There had been murmurs of disagreement and some of the same opinion. The dissension continued throughout the meeting, ending in one woman who was screaming abuse being hustled out of the room. Emerging into a bitterly cold afternoon as the meeting ended, Emily turned up her coat collar and began to walk briskly towards the hospital. The lights were on, because it was dark and the shops would soon be closing for the night. Visiting time wasn’t for another hour or so yet. She would have time to drink a cup of tea and eat a sandwich in the hospital canteen before visiting time began. She saw a man selling newspapers and glanced at the headlines, which were dour. It wasn’t worth buying a paper with that sort of news, but she might buy a magazine to read when she went back to her lodgings after leaving Christopher. The nights were the worst, sitting in a small room by a tiny gas fire and thinking about things that she would rather not think about, because she was alone and there was nothing else to do. She was used to being busy and the time seemed endless.
It was as she reached the hospital that she heard someone shout her name and she turned, looking to see who it could be.
‘Emily …’ the voice came again and then she saw him standing under the light; he was striding towards her, making her heart beat wildly. He was so handsome in his uniform and her chest felt so tight that she could scarcely breathe. ‘I’m so glad I found you. I asked Sister and she told me you came every evening so I thought I’d wait.’
‘Mr Nicolas,’ Emily gazed up at him, a smile of pleasure on her lips. ‘It was kind of you to come down …’
‘We’re all concerned about you,’ he said. ‘Amy wanted to know if you were all right for money. Are you? Is there anything you need – anything I can do for you?’
‘I’m going to have a cup of tea and a bun before I visit,’ Emily said. ‘Shall we go inside where it’s warmer?’
‘Yes, of course. It feels cold enough for snow.’
‘I was thinking that on the way here. I’d been to a Suffragette meeting and I didn’t know how cold it was until I came out afterwards.’
‘This is a sorry business for you, Emily. I’ve seen Christopher and told him that if he needs work when he’s on his feet again I might have a job for him. I’m thinking of buying more properties and letting them out and I’ll need an agent to look after them for me.’
‘That’s good of you, sir. What did Christopher say?’
‘He said he’d been thinking of looking for work like that – apparently, Sir Arthur is back in the country and he’s offered Christopher a similar position on his estate. Christopher’s father was there when I visited earlier – Sister very kindly let me have five minutes with them.’
They had reached the canteen. Wooden tables were set in rows, many of them taken, people sitting and talking in hushed tones as they drank lukewarm tea and waited to see their loved ones. Most of them had shopping bags filled with fruit, magazines or sweets they’d somehow managed to scrounge to bring for the patients.
‘There’s an empty table near the window,’ Nicolas said. ‘You bag it for us, Emily, and I’ll bring our tea.’
Emily did as she was bid, watching as he selected some sandwiches and cakes, which he loaded onto a tray and brought back to her.
‘This feels odd,’ she said, giving him a shy smile as he unloaded his tray. ‘It’s what I usually do.’
‘You’re not at the manor now,’ Nicolas said. ‘I doubt if you’ll be back if you marry Christopher – and that makes us equals. You’re not a servant and I can wait on you if I like.’
‘I’m not grumbling,’ Emily said and laughed. �
�It was lovely of you to give me that pendant, Mr Nicolas – but you know I can’t keep it, don’t you?’
‘I hope very much that you will accept the gift of a friend. I know that’s all we can be to each other now – but I want you to know that I care about you, Emily. I wouldn’t want you to make a terrible mistake by marrying for the wrong reasons.’
Emily looked into his eyes. She was sure that he wanted to say more, but of course he couldn’t. Even if he loved her, as she loved him, his family would never have allowed them to marry. Besides, she could not desert Christopher when he needed her so badly.
‘Christopher needs me …’ Emily shook her head and reached across the table to touch his hands. ‘Thank you, sir. I … appreciate you coming to see me.’ Her voice caught on a sob. ‘What I feel for Christopher isn’t romantic love – but don’t ask me to walk away. Nothing will make me desert him now.’
‘You wouldn’t be the girl I think you, if you said anything different. Amy doesn’t truly understand – but I told her even before I came that you would stand by your friend.’
Emily swallowed hard. ‘You mustn’t think it’s a sacrifice. If this hadn’t happened, I might still have wed him, because he loves me … but now he’s so ill and I want to help him. I care for him in my way and I couldn’t hurt him.’ She lifted her gaze to meet his. ‘Please understand why …’ Emily wanted so much to tell him that she loved him, and only him, but it wouldn’t be right. Nothing could ever come of her love, even if it was returned.
‘Yes, I do understand,’ Nicolas said and held her hands across the table. Something in his eyes made her heart ache, because they said so much he could never put into words. ‘Please keep my gift, Emily. You could always sell it if you needed money in the future. If you ever need help, either Amy or I will be there for you.’
Her eyes stung with tears and she gave a little shake of her head. ‘I shall stay here until they move Christopher nearer his home. The doctor said it would be a few weeks before he will be fit to be moved. It isn’t just the external injuries – the smoke and gasses affected his lungs and he’ll be a while before he recovers.’