Numb

by Isabelle Carey

  I hurry down the manhole and head into my secret place. I start tidying up the place as well since I have some more time to kill before I have to meet up with Lilly and Aidan.

  I rediscover a few books I haven't perused in a while. Jane Eyre was such a good read.

  I often likened myself to Jane because I think we're similar. Both of us are strong and independent. I long to love like Jane but I don't know how. We've both had childhoods full of adversity and lack of emotion, but somehow Jane managed to overcome all of that and still love and forgive people. I don't know if I can ever do that.

  Books like Nineteen Eighty-Four and The Giver warned past societies of future places like Paradise. Complete government control, emotional repression, sexual regulation—all of those themes explored in those works were preludes to the current regime of Paradise. If people had heeded such warnings, I wonder if things would be different today.

  When it is time to leave, I grab the disk and the Rolling Stones CD Aidan let me borrow. I never got the opportunity to upload any of the tracks to my neuro player so I do so right now. Then, I'm out of my hidey hole, out of the manhole, and making my way back through the woods.

  I reach the abandoned lot in a half an hour. There's a rusted warehouse nearby. It takes me a while to see the glimmer of pixels that points me in the right direction. I step through the cold cloaking barrier and at once the mobile home materializes out of thin air.

  I find Elijah sitting outside as if waiting for me. He's mashing buttons furiously on a handheld device, playing some kind of video game no doubt.

  "Hello Elijah," I greet him pleasantly, smiling briefly.

  "Hey Charlotte," he replies quietly. He's always quiet whenever I'm around but occasionally he likes to ask very personal questions. When he and Aidan came over to Lilly's after the break-in, he asked me if I was crazy because music always played inside of my head. I told him I was just wired that way and he thought my joke was pretty amusing.

  I step past him and before I can enter the trailer he tells me with a giggle, "I wouldn't go in there right now if I were you."

  I cock an eyebrow. "Why not?"

  "Aidan and Lilly wanted to be alone for a while before you got here," he tells me without a single glance. "That's why I'm outside."

  I open the door and disregards what Elijah said. "I'm sure I can listen to whatever they're discussing."

  Elijah chuckles again. "I don't think they're discussing anything."

  I wonder what he's talking about, confused out of my mind as I enter the trailer. I quickly find out though the moment I glance over at the sofa.

  Lilly and Aidan are engaged in what looks like a tangled mess. Aidan lies on the couch and Lilly sits on top of him, straddling his legs. This alarms me because at first sight, it appears that Lilly is attacking him, which doesn't make sense. As I stand there, ogling in disbelief, I quickly realize that Lilly is definitely not attacking Aidan and that the two of them seem to be enjoying themselves.

  Their lips are locked tightly together and their limbs flail about as if swimming. It dawns on me after a few seconds. They're doing what couples do in the books I've read. They're kissing! They're making out! I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.

  "So, that's what it really looks like," I comment aloud accidentally, announcing my presence in the process.

  I move closer to observe them in more detail, but they break apart immediately, untangling themselves. Aidan's clothes are twisted and wrinkled and Lilly's hair is all over the place. They both look pretty disheveled and embarrassed.

  I smile at them. "That was awesome!" I exclaim excitedly. "Can you do that again?"

  Both of them look at each other awkwardly. They're under a spell of silence until Lilly breaks it.

  "Hey Charlotte, you're here early."

  I glance at my watch. Indeed I'm about fifteen minutes early but I honestly didn't know how long it would take me to walk from my secret place.

  "Sorry for interrupting," I tell them, giggling uncontrollably like Elijah. Seeing two people kiss passionately makes me feel all bubbly inside. I'm happy for no reason and I wonder what would happen if I was the one doing the kissing. I would probably rocket through the roof with euphoria.

  "Its fine," Aidan says, chugging a half-empty can of Alacrity. "You got the Hippocampus?"

  "Of course," I respond, handing the drive to him. The two of them seem anxious for me to forget what I just witnessed and that's fine with me, although I can't stop smiling.

  Aidan drops into his chair in front of his computer and goes to work immediately. He plugs in the flash drive and starts typing like a madman. "To unlock the Ammon's horn was a crazy business. I had to—"

  "Aidan," Lilly silences him at once, placing a hand on one of his shoulders and squeezing gently. "Please don't explain it. Just do it."

  "All right," Aidan says with a sigh, slightly dejected.

  I watch quietly as different screens pop up occasionally on the computer monitor only to be replaced quickly by another one at Aidan's keyboard and mouse commands. Lilly stands next to me, quivering with anticipation. She smiles at me like this is it. We're finally going to find out what's on the disk.

  The door opens behind us and Elijah wanders in. He watches too and I'm sure he understands what Aidan's doing a great deal better than Lilly and me. Aidan's probably training him to follow in his footsteps or something.

  I wait on pins and needles for nearly twenty minutes, my anxiety levels beyond containment. Finally, as I inhale deeply for the billionth time, Aidan says, "I have good and bad news. Which one do you want first?" He glances back at me and all I can see is him kissing Lilly. When did they become a couple? I didn't know they were dating. It would be difficult to go on dates in today's society, especially considering Aidan's living conditions.

  Suddenly, I experience what I know to be jealousy. I'm not upset that Lilly kissed a boy and that I have never even kissed my father, but rather because despite it all, two people still manage to show that they care about each other even with drastic consequences hanging in the balance. I'm jealous because I can never have what Aidan and Lilly have with the one person I want to have it with. Maybe I'm reading too much into their kiss but suddenly and I'm no longer happy like I was just a few seconds ago.

  "Charlotte," Aidan repeats several times. I never answered him and I feel the eyes of everyone upon me now.

  "Bad news first," I finally reply. "At least I'll have something to look forward to afterwards."

  "All right then. The bad news is that I was right in my last assessment. This device is only compatible with a certain operating system. A high-tech one at that and very rare like something the government uses."

  "Great," I mumble sarcastically, hope seeping out of me rapidly as though I've been punctured like a tire. "We'll never know what's on this stupid disk."

  I hear sounds from behind me suddenly. Elijah has slithered off to the sofa and flipped on the television. He is no longer interested in what we are discussing, I suppose.

  "Well then, what's the good news?" Lilly asks Aidan.

  "There's a vid file embedded on here that I'm able to access. Perhaps whoever left this message will help us find the right operating system required for the remaining files."

  "Play it," I say at once, a flicker of whatever hope I have left rekindling a tiny bit.

  Aidan plays the video. We watch silently as it appears on the computer monitor, displaying a woman dressed in a lab coat. She has dark hair that she wears in a bun and bright blue eyes that remind me instantly of the eyes of the White Agent boy for some reason. Only his eyes are dull because of the Purge. But if he was free from that stupid gas, then his eyes could shine like this woman's.

  The woman, who I assume is a doctor or some kind of scientist based on her attire, adjusts the camera recording her. When she's satisfied, she stares into the camera's eye and speaks, "My dearest, Noah. You are viewing this because I have so much to tell you and I know that
you alone are the only who can get the truth out there. I don't have much time, my love, so I'll be brief."

  She pauses for a moment and I stare at her. She looks so familiar. Where have I seen her before?

  "Being your doctor has its perks of course," the woman continues. She's sitting in a laboratory of some sort. I recognize various scientific devices in the background behind her. "I not only get to spend a lot of quality time with you but I also have access to the Core. I have heard things, whispers of sorts, that not everyone knows about, even some of the politicians like yourself. Things I have heard have struck a curious chord inside of me and so I've looked into a few things and I don't like what I have uncovered. I can't discuss it all in great details right now and I feel that it would be best to show you; nonetheless, the secrets I have learned can devastate society as we know it. The Chancellor and his closest entourage are hiding a lot of facts from the people. His office answers to some kind of organization that's the true government here in Paradise."

  She pauses again, perhaps to allow her words to sink into the mind of this Noah person she's addressing. Indeed her words are profound, although she hasn't revealed a lot of information. I can't wrap my head around any of it as I listen, waiting for her to say more.

  "I have turned to the Entity for assistance. I don't know if I fully trust someone who operates in the shadows, but I know that one of his or her agents will get this message to you. I have encrypted every file you need on this hard drive. The only way for you to open them is via my personal computer inside of my office at BioLife."

  She pauses yet again and everything starts to click into place slowly. This woman is addressing Noah Emerson, the intended recipient of this hard drive. This woman loved him and more than likely was to blame for his untimely death. I only wish I knew her identity. I've seen her face before.

  "I fear that they're on to me, Noah. I've been asking too many questions. Time is running short and not even you can save me from a life in prison . . . or worse." She laughs bitterly. "Your name is dirt around the island as you very well know and mine will be joining yours soon, even if I did perfect the Purge formula or whatever they credit me for nowadays."

  Everything clicks in that moment. I'm looking at Dr. Emilia Cato. I knew I had recognized her.

  "The only way to save me now, to save us and everyone else, is for you to get the truth out there. You must go to BioLife and use my computer. Your colleagues are watching you, per orders of the Chancellor, but if you go to my son, Liam, for help, you'll be able to find out everything I know. Liam is a White Agent and will require a lot of persuasion, but in the end, he will do what's right and he will help you. He has a good heart, even if he has been tainted by the Purge's influence and the lies that the leaders of Paradise spew on a day to day basis. As always, handle this discreetly and remember that I love you no matter what happens."

  The vid ends there. Aidan spins around in his chair to face Lilly and me. "This is deep, some serious stuff," he says quietly.

  I nod to agree with him and glance at Lilly, who's looking thoughtful, contemplative. "No wonder Emerson was killed," I point out. "Someone knew that Dr. Cato had found out something that the government doesn't want people to know and the killer must have thought that Emerson knew the information already." I look at Aidan, my mind made up already before I think things through all the way. "Can you get me an address on Dr. Cato's son?"

  Aidan smiles. "Yep, that's easy, even if he is a White Agent and that type of stuff is classified," he tells me confidently.

  Lilly perks up then. "Why do you want his address for?" She asks me and then it quickly dawns on her. "You're not thinking what I hope you're not thinking, are you?"

  I nod. "I need to know what Dr. Cato discovered. I need the help of Agent Cato, whoever he is. So yes, I'm thinking exactly what you hope I'm not thinking."

  "You're insane, Charlotte," Lilly tells me honestly. Her words sting a little but I know she's only saying this as a friend who's concerned about me. "There has to be another way."

  "No there isn't," I disagree. "My father and sister are wasting away inside of places I hate because of me. I'm tired of running and I'm tired of my family suffering. This ends now. One way or another, I'm getting the information on this disk. I have a lead thanks to Dr. Cato's vid and I'm going to take it."

  "Okay then, well how are you going to get a White Agent to trust you and work with you? You're public enemy number one right now. I don't think the two of you would make good friends."

  "A disguise," I had a response already prepared for such a question.

  "Charlotte, you're on the news again," Elijah informs me out of nowhere.

  I glance over at the television and sure enough I find of picture of me staring back. The news anchor is reporting on the incident at the orphanage. She blames the blackout on a power surge and not Aidan's brilliant hacking skills. Oh the lies that those in positions of power tell those who are not in power.

  I ignore the news report. "Disguises have failed you twice now," Lilly points out. "I'm surprised you're willing to try your luck at it again. And why in the hell do you want to go back into BioLife, because in case you didn't hear the vid clearly, that's the only place the hard drive can be read?"

  I don't answer her question because I feel guilty suddenly. Secretly, I want to see my father again, my primary reason for wanting a return trip to BioLife. But I can't admit that to Lilly.

  "How about Olivia Cruz?" Aidan suggests from somewhere out in right field, baffling Lilly and me. We both gawk at him with perplexed stares. He doesn't say anything more as he points at the television.

  I look over and see a woman with curly dark brown hair, green eyes, and purple glasses clutching a microphone in her grasp on TV. "I'm Olivia Cruz for Channel 13 News," she says before the segment switches to another report. I understand then. There's my disguise. She's my disguise.

  "A reporter does know a lot of information," I muse quietly, thinking. "Aidan, you're a genius," I tell him, hugging his neck instinctively. When I realize what I'm doing, I pull away quickly, hoping I didn't offend Lilly.

  She doesn't seem at all fazed by what I just did though. She sighs and says, "I suppose I can help you look like her."

  "Good," I comment. "Can we get started right now?"

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Liam

  A warm shower to calm my nerves.

  I'm back at my apartment. After Charlotte's second thrilling escape, I found that there was no need for me to remain at World State any longer. Because of what happened, because I had her in my grasp until she slipped through gaps between my fingers, I'm positive that Charlotte won't attempt to infiltrate the orphanage again. At least not anytime soon. It's time for me rethink my strategy if I'm going to capture her once and for all.

  The hot water washes over me, cleansing all of my failure. Charlotte escaped yet again and I'm the one to blame this time. There goes my commendation once the leaders of the Amber Army catch wind of what happened on that bridge last night. I avoided listening to the early morning news today because I didn't want to relive the one incident that has tainted my stellar career. I can put Dr. Cato in prison but I can't capture Charlotte.

  Without warning, my computer alerts me to an urgent vid call. I end my shower, dry off as much as I can, and pull on a pair of slacks. I drape my towel around my shoulders and hurry to answer the call.

  It's Ramos. I knew it would be. No one else really calls me via vid chat.

  "Agent Cato," He greets me with a vacant stare. "I see that you're no longer at the orphanage."

  "After yesterday's debacle, Charlotte Tatum won't be returning to World State. There's no need for me to remain there." I feel weird voicing this aloud after I spent the last fifteen minutes or so thinking about it over and over again.

  Ramos surveys me quietly for a while and I'm aware that he's trying to be me at the moment. He's searching the depths inside of me, trying to pry away something that's not written acros
s my face. "What happened yesterday?" He questions me uninterestedly. "The news has already presented the story to the public but I find it necessary to hear it from you."

  I explain what happened as much as I don't want to. I don't go into much detail about how I recognized Charlotte, even through her disguise. By confessing that I paid a lot of attention to Charlotte during monorail rides, enough that I can describe her eye color in rich detail like novelists of the past, is not a good thing. It betrays my fascination with her, my obsession with her, and my concern for her. And to think, eyes are just that—eyes. How many possible ways can you actually describe hazel eyes? Well, when it comes to Charlotte's eyes, I can waste a day coming up with descriptive metaphors for them.

  Ramos listens quietly, allowing me the ceiling—or is it floor?—for several minutes. I admit, but only to myself, that I feel ashamed. I'm not supposed to feel that but I do and it only causes me to feel even more shame.

  Ramos doesn't stop me until I recount what happened in the alley when I alerted Charlotte to my presence.

  "Well that confirms her involvement with SAFE if she was attempting to get underground."

  What I say next is only to feel less ashamed. I don't really want to do it but I'm afraid that Ramos is thinking I'm incompetent. I'm the youngest White Agent ever. I'm not incompetent.

  "We need to send some forces into the sewers after her. We need to destroy SAFE once and for all while we're at it." I had expected those words to make me feel better but they don't.

  To this, Ramos shakes his head. "Now is not the time for war against the rebels. The Amber Army is currently amassing more and more troops. War is definitely inevitable but only in due time."

  I don't know what the Amber Army is waiting on but whatever it is stands above me. Maybe they're expecting SAFE to attack first like they did in the north years ago. Then, the Amber Army would have a reason to squash the budding rebellion yet again.

  "But what about getting to Charlotte?" I ask, stepping briefly beyond my boundaries. I don't expect Ramos to give me a straight answer. I don't expect much of anything from him anymore since he withheld information about the case from me.