Promises

by Bailey, Sarah

  “Oh… okay. Another time then.”

  Her dark eyes betrayed the sting of my refusal.

  “Cass, it’s not that I don’t want to… I have a family thing.”

  She nodded but didn’t look convinced. If anything, she just looked dejected. I’d said the wrong thing. First it was the wedding and now it was family stuff. She didn’t like me not involving her in my life.

  Why can’t I just be honest and tell her I’m sorry but whatever we shared is over?

  I was a coward. A fucking coward.

  “Yeah, okay, whatever. I get it.”

  She started to walk away.

  “Cassie…”

  She didn’t turn back to me, but she stopped in her tracks.

  “You know what, just don’t. I thought maybe you’d been busy, but I don’t think you are. I was okay with your unwillingness to open up to me in the beginning. Now, I think you don’t want to let anyone in.”

  She looked at me over her shoulder.

  “You let me know if you decide this is worth salvaging or not because right now, I don’t know how to get through to you.”

  I didn’t know what to say. She walked out and shut my office door behind her when I didn’t respond. Running a hand through my hair, I sat back and groaned. This had turned into a complete mess. I needed to sort my shit out. Either I wanted to be with Cassie or I didn’t. She deserved to be told straight. For me to let her go so she could be with someone who would love her the way she needed.

  The truth was I wasn’t capable of that. Dante’s wedding made things very clear to me.

  I was still in love with Avery.

  And I needed to find a way to fall out of love with her.

  ***

  I still had the key to Dante and Liora’s house so I walked right in without ringing the doorbell. I discarded my coat in the hall cupboard before sticking my head into the dining room. Liora had redecorated in here. It was now light and airy with pale green walls and a beautiful white wooden table and chairs. The table was set for eight, but no one was in here yet. I wandered into the kitchen, finding my sisters with Liora who was busy preparing dinner.

  Jen noticed me and punched me in the arm when I walked over. I rubbed it, scowling at her.

  “Sup baby brother?”

  “Not much.”

  Liora turned, a soft smile appearing on her face.

  “James.”

  She put her arms out. We embraced for a moment.

  “You look good. How was the honeymoon?”

  She waved me off and went back to the stove. They’d spent three weeks in Thailand.

  “It was amazing. Dante said he sent photos.”

  “He did. Spectacular views you had from that place in the mountains.”

  “Oh yes, we visited so many temples and the food - oh my god, I died and went to heaven. I had some lessons, so that’s what you’re getting tonight.”

  Liora was an amazing cook. I loved coming here now since everything between all of us had settled down and there were no more secrets and lies.

  “I look forward to it. Where’s Dante and Brent?”

  “Upstairs. The two of them have become obsessed with the Nintendo Switch. I’m regretting getting it for Brent’s birthday.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “You bought a thirty two year old man-child a games console?”

  The twins sniggered. Jen rolled her eyes as if to say ‘typical Brent’. He would probably deck me for calling him that but fuck it. He’d said worse about me.

  “I thought he would keep it downstairs. Ever since we got back, those two have been on that thing. You’d think they were teenagers again. Trust me, I’m glad my husband is going back to work next week.”

  I was too. We needed Dante at the office. At least then I wouldn’t have a reason to further deal with Cassie at work.

  Coward.

  The doorbell went.

  “I’ll get that,” I said, wanting to be away from my thoughts about the office and Cassie.

  It was Avery and Gertie. Both of them gave me a hug after they walked in.

  “What? No little one?” I asked.

  Avery gave me a look.

  “You know she’s with Aiden tonight.”

  I nodded. We’d agreed no partners except Liora as this was her house and she was family now.

  “Well, you can either go watch the teenagers fight it out over Mario Kart or see the girls.”

  “Teenagers?” Gertie asked.

  “Liora bought Brent a Switch. Apparently, him and Dante have regressed.”

  They both rolled their eyes before following me to the kitchen.

  “Something smells amazing,” Avery said, nodding at the twins and giving Liora a hug.

  I leant against the counter and watched them all talk about the honeymoon. My family. The thought of it made my heart ache. That’s what she should be. Family. And she was, but I wanted her to be more. A permanent fixture in my life. Someone to be right by my side.

  I shook myself. These thoughts had to end. I had to stop. For my sake and hers.

  Dinner between the eight of us was a noisy affair. Everyone seemed to be talking over one another. I sat in between Avery and Gertie, Brent sat with the twins on the other side with Dante and Liora at either end. It didn’t escape my notice that Brent sat next to Fi rather than Jen.

  I watched Dante and Liora carefully, trying to see if Ellie was right. Did my brother really have some BDSM kinks? Not that I was judging, it just surprised me considering our upbringing. Then again, out of the four of us, Dante was most like Dad. Just not the abusive/murdery side of our father. He definitely got his hidden compassionate and caring side from Mum. She was always so kind. My heart ached at the thought of her. That was the reason we were here. It was the anniversary of her death. Before our relationship soured, we used to do something together, just the four of us, to remember her as she was. We decided last year we should start again. Everyone here, except Liora and Brent, knew my mother in some capacity. Avery knew her better than Gertie, but she was still a part of their lives.

  Dante clinked his glass with his knife, which made everyone quiet.

  “I’m shit at speeches, so this won’t take long. We all know why we’re here tonight. Mum was an incredibly special woman who gave with her whole heart. None of us would be where we are today without her. We miss you, every single day. To Mum.”

  We all raised a glass and echoed his sentiments.

  “To Mum,” the twins and I said in unison whilst the others said, “To Margo.”

  Dante didn’t need to say much. Everyone here knew what she’d been through, even Gertie. I’d told her the whole sorry story along with Avery and Aiden not long after the news of our dad’s arrest broke.

  “Should we share memories of Mum?” Fi asked.

  “Can do,” Dante said, looking around to see if anyone objected. When no one did, he continued, “Why don’t you go first since you suggested it.”

  Fi grinned wickedly, her eyes falling on me. I instantly knew what story she was going to tell and I almost groaned.

  “Remember the time we dressed James up like a doll, makeup and all.” She looked at Jen. “Mum found us. She couldn’t stop laughing then she picked him up and told him he was her beautiful baby girl. I swear you ignored all of us for two days afterwards.”

  I rolled my eyes. My sisters were forever dressing me up as a girl. It was maddening.

  “I was six, what else did you expect?”

  “You know he came into school after that weekend and told me all about it,” Avery said. “I was the only sympathetic one.”

  “And I still appreciate that.”

  I nudged her arm and she smiled at me. Avery and I always had each other’s backs no matter what.

  “My turn,” Jen said, butting in. “Don’t worry, little bro, no more embarrassing stories for you. This one is about Dante.”

  I
glanced at my brother who crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. I knew instantly Jen was planning on mischief.

  “When Fi and I were about six, we were both scared of the dark. Mum used to sit with us until we fell asleep and tell stories. One night, she told us it was perfectly okay to be scared of the dark because even our older brother was scared of things.”

  Dante’s scowl deepened.

  “When we asked what he was scared of, she made us promise never to be mean to him about it.”

  “Jennifer,” Dante practically growled.

  “Of course, we didn’t listen. The very next day, we carefully placed a certain item on his bed and hid in his wardrobe. He came in and screamed like a little girl. We were laughing so hard, we fell out of the wardrobe together.”

  I looked between him and the twins.

  “What was it?” Liora asked.

  “A plastic spider,” Dante answered before either of the twins could.

  “You’re scared of spiders? How did I not know this about you?”

  He didn’t reply, giving our sisters a hard stare for revealing that little titbit about him to his wife.

  “I’ll go next,” Avery said, saving Dante from further discussion about his spider phobia. “This is sort of a confession. So… you know how you had a massive go at James for breaking your Pharaoh Forbidden Ruin Lego set?”

  Dante’s head whipped around to her, eyebrows raised.

  “That was actually me. I was bawling my eyes out over it when Margo found James and me. She told me it was okay and to just tell Dante it was an accident, but James piped up and said he’d take the blame. Margo said it was honourable for him to take responsibility, but not necessary. She really was the sweetest woman I’ve ever known. She was like a second mother to me.”

  Avery put her hand on my arm and gave it a squeeze.

  “I was going to tell him, but when Dante got home, he immediately blamed James for it.”

  Dante grinned, tilting his head to the side.

  “I knew it was Avery.”

  “You did? Why did you have a go at me?” I asked.

  I remembered that day. He practically threw me out of his room and banned me from touching his Lego ever again.

  “She looked so remorseful and sad. I knew you could take it.”

  I shook my head. Things were so different when we were young. It was a miracle we were all still talking to each other. I was glad of it. We’d spent too many years estranged from one another.

  We kept telling stories until we all retired to their small garden since it was warm and still light outside. Avery and I were sitting on one of the benches together. I had a beer and she had a glass of juice since she was breastfeeding.

  “How’re things with Cassie?” she asked.

  I winced, the reminder of what she said to me earlier ringing in my ears. I didn’t want to talk about this with Avery, but she noticed my hesitation.

  “What happened?”

  I ran a hand through my hair, staring down at the top of my beer bottle.

  “I think it’s over. It never really started in all honesty.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I never told her Cassie was my girlfriend, just that we were spending time together. I think she was happy I’d found someone so didn’t press me on it too much.

  “She’s a nice girl…”

  “But…?”

  She’s not you.

  I looked at her. She had a slight furrow in her brow. It was an expression I knew well. Avery always knew when I was holding things back.

  “I don’t know.”

  “James…”

  “She deserves better than me.”

  I hoped she’d leave the subject alone. That was wishful thinking.

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. You never give anyone a chance. There’s always an excuse as to why you won’t go any further than just dating. I thought this might be different.”

  I shrugged.

  “Well, it’s not.”

  This was straying into dangerous territory. How could I ever admit the truth? She was the reason I couldn’t move on. It wasn’t her fault. I never blamed her for my own predicament. Aiden was her one. I liked and respected him, especially the way he doted on Avery and their daughter. They deserved their happiness.

  “What exactly is wrong with her, James?”

  “Nothing.”

  She wanted something I couldn’t give her.

  Me.

  “You’re going to have to let someone else in at some point, you know. It can’t always just be me. You know I’ll be here for you and I love you so much, but one day you’ll meet the right girl and she’ll be there for you in ways I can never be.”

  I don’t know that anyone can eclipse you, Avery. You’ve been in my life since we were five years old. You’re the only person I trust. The only one who understands me. The only girl I’ve ever wanted.

  I couldn’t say that. So I kept lying instead even though my heart physically ached.

  “I know. Cassie is a lovely girl and we had fun together, but there’s something missing. I feel like shit. I let her think we could be something more. I want to tell her I’m sorry, but the words never seem to come out right.”

  Avery’s eyes told me that whilst she was disappointed in me, she also understood.

  “Just be honest. She might hate you but leading her on is worse.”

  I nodded, unable to think of a suitable response. She put her glass on the floor and opened her arms to me. Unable to say no, I let her hug me, breathing her in. Avery felt like home.

  “It’ll be okay,” she whispered.

  No. It won’t, but I love how you think it will. Fuck. I love you so much.

  I released her, knowing it was wrong to let her comfort me when I was lying through my teeth.

  I hate myself so fucking much.

  She smiled at me in that heart stopping way of hers. I almost forgot to breathe. I couldn’t fucking do this any longer. I had to sort my shit out. But instead of doing that, I drowned my sorrows in booze for the rest of the night and Liora told me to stay. I lay in the spare bedroom staring at the ceiling when everyone else left and Dante, Brent and Liora went to bed. This used to be my room once upon a time, back when I’d lived with Dante and the twins.

  Getting up, I fished the napkin out of my coat pocket, sat back on the bed and stared at it. Tomorrow it would be a month since Dante and Liora’s wedding. After my conversation with Avery tonight, I realised I was still fucking miserable and very much haunted by my past.

  I wasn’t intending to go, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Perhaps I just needed to let it out to someone who knew next to nothing about me.

  I’ll see you tomorrow night, Ellie Kirkwood. I hope you remember the promise we made.

  Chapter Four

  Ellie

  One month. Thirty days. That’s how long it had been since I last laid eyes on James Benson. I wondered if he kept the napkin with our signed promise on it. All day I’d been fretting about it. Stupid really. Work was the only thing keeping me sane until six rolled around and then I was just nervous as hell.

  I changed out of my uniform in the staff locker room. We hadn’t set a time so who knew how long I’d be waiting outside. Would he even show up? It had been a long shot. He’d likely forgotten all about the crazy girl who served him drinks at his brother’s wedding. Though we did have an interesting conversation, I still didn’t think it was enough to make me stick out in his memory.

  I let my hair down loose around my shoulders after I tidied up my makeup. It had a slight natural curl to it. Would he recognise me like this? I’d had it up in a bun that day.

  Honestly, what was wrong with me? Why did I care so much? Was it because he was the first person I’d felt the urge to open up to? It had to be that. There wasn’t another explanation for the strange feeling in my gut. It wasn’t like I really spoke
to men other than at my job and even that had taken me a while to get used to.

  I couldn’t stay hiding in here. It was stupid really. He’d never show up. I was sure he had far more important things to do. I still held on to the small hope he would. Even if I’d never spoken to my last therapist about my experiences, she had told me to go out and make friends. Try and have a normal life after what happened to me. It was all very well her saying that. She had no idea what it was like to carry scars and wounds like mine.

  I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out of the staff room. Normally I’d go out the back, but today I walked through the corridors until I reached the front lobby. My eyes scanned the area but the only people I recognised were my colleagues. I didn’t speak much to them anyway.

  You said outside the hotel, you dipstick.

  I almost smacked myself around the head. Stifling the urge to scream, turn around and walk out the back, I continued across the lobby and walked through the revolving door. My heart almost stopped in my chest when I stepped out. I was frozen for a long moment until I realised someone else was trying to come out.

  He’s here.

  Holy shit.

  He’s actually here.

  James Benson stood at the bottom of the steps, his hands dug into his coat pockets and he was staring up at me with a lopsided smile. I moved, getting out of the way of the people trying to exit the hotel. Taking the steps one by one, I stopped on the last one, right in front of him.

  “Hi,” I blurted out, my voice sounding all high pitched.

  I cursed myself internally for being such an idiot. I didn’t think he’d be here.

  “Hi yourself.”

  “You’re here.”

  He dug something out of his pocket and handed it to me. It was the napkin with our signatures on it. I smiled. He kept it. He remembered me. The crazy girl from the bar.

  “I think it states there we made a promise to each other. It wouldn’t make a very good impression if I broke a promise now, would it?”

  I shook my head as I gave it back to him. He stuck it in his pocket and looked up at me. If I was on the same level as him, I’d probably only come up to his chest. I stepped down, proving my assessment correct. He was really tall. I hadn’t noticed it when he was sitting at my bar. I still couldn’t believe he was here.