Just Pretend

by Juliana Conners

  He became more focused and disciplined and he amassed his empire. But he did it at the expense of his family. I barely know my dad and what I do know about him—well, I can’t say it’s very pleasant. He’s demanding and inflexible and straight up crotchety.

  “I want you to know I’m very serious about you getting married,” my dad tells me now. “What about that girl you went on those dates with?”

  I rack my brain trying to think of who he might mean. There are so many girls.

  “Jessica?” I guess, pulling out of thin air the name of a girl I had managed to go on more than one date with within the last six months.

  “Yeah, her,” my dad says excitedly, although he probably would’ve said that no matter which name I had thrown out.

  They’re all the same to him. He just wants me to get married to someone and he doesn’t care who it is. He’s convinced that marriage will make me more studious and responsible. In his mind, if I stop playing the field I can start being better about managing his business.

  I’ve been trying to show him that this has nothing to do with whether I’m married or not. I can learn the business with or without a wife. But he just dismisses my efforts and thinks that only an engagement will save me.

  “I’m glad to hear about this Jessica lady,” my dad says. “Because if there’s one thing I’d get out of this bed for before I die, it would be to see my son get married.”

  Suddenly I see him in a whole new way. His skin is wrinkled and cracked but it doesn’t seem as hard as it did just a few minutes ago. He’s even smiling a little bit—which is rare for him.

  The light is shining through the little window in his room– he’s always maintained a spartan-like environment no matter how much money he’s had– and I can see the twinkle in his eyes as he gets excited at the thought of this wedding that can’t possibly happen within the next six months since I have no bride.

  There’s no way I would marry Jessica. She’s so flighty and can be a straight up bitch to other people. I don’t ever want to get married, but if I did, it would be to a woman who is kind and funny. But if it makes my dad feel happy that I might get engaged to Jessica– or anyone– I’ll humor him because he’s a dying man.

  “Well Dad, I’ll see what I can do.”

  I chuckle.

  Maybe just having hope that I’ll get engaged will give him the strength to live longer. It’s sad that it took him being on his death bed for us to get closer but there’s still a chance for us.

  As a bonus, after he realizes I’m not getting married, he might see that I’m still a good CEO of his company and that it will be in good hands with me even if I remain a single man. At least, that’s the only way out of this that I can see. But I’m good at finding creative ways out of things so something still might pop up.

  Chapter 3 – Isaac

  My dad’s hands shake as he reaches for the glass of water sitting on the stand beside his bed. I hand it to him and he nods his thanks to me, appearing stern, as if he doesn’t want to acknowledge how weak he is.

  “My lawyer was by to see me just a bit ago and that’s why I had Cora leave,” he tells me, which explains the absence of his caretaker. “I wanted to have attorney-client privilege and discuss some serious matters. So that’s why I called you here, to let you know of some changes that have been made.”

  “Okay, Dad,” I say, massaging a crink that’s formed in my neck from sitting in his old wooden chair.

  I didn’t realize that this visit had such a serious purpose behind it. I had been happy he invited me over to see him. I always offer to come by but he usually says he’s fine with Cora’s help, and the most I can get him to let me come visit is twice a month.

  I know he doesn’t like me to see him in this fragile state. But it’s nice to spend whatever little time with him that I have left. I should have known he had a business reason to invite me over, rather than just for father- son bonding time. He’s never been the type for that.

  “I’ve put a clause in the partnership agreement saying that you’ll inherit the company if and only if you’re married by the time I pass away,” my dad says. “If you’re not, then it goes all goes to Charles.”

  “Charles!”

  I scratch my head and jump up from the chair.

  “Dad, he’s crazy. You’ve told me so yourself. You said you couldn’t wait to give the company to me.”

  His exact words at the time had been somewhere along the lines of saying that even though I’m incompetent, Charles is crazy, so he can’t wait to give me the company, because even though I have no idea what I’m doing, at least I’m not a madman.

  “Oh, you know how Charles and I have had a love-hate relationship ever since we started this business,” my dad says. “He’s crazy but he sure knows how to run a company.”

  He doesn’t say it but I know he’s thinking: unlike you.

  I’m still determined to show him that I can run the company and I wish he would just drop this whole marriage thing. There are bigger issues to worry about then whether or not I settle down and commit to some flaky girl. I hadn’t wanted to bring it up right now because I think he should rest and relax, but since he’s talking about the company, I decide there’s no better time than the present.

  “Dad, I’ve been going over the books and I really think there’s something strange about what’s in there…”

  Before I can even finish telling him, I hear him snoring. He’s already fallen asleep. Or maybe he’s just pretending because he doesn’t want to talk about it.

  I suppose it’s for the best, since I don’t fucking understand the numbers enough to explain to him what I mean, and he’ll just think I’m stupid and incompetent like usual, but I’m convinced that something is definitely off. I’ll have to have Dan look at the books at some point. He’s more of a numbers guy than I am.

  Judging by how my dad is insisting on this marriage thing, I better have Dan look at it sooner rather than later. Especially since Dad is going to leave the whole business to Charles if I don’t do what he wants, and who knows where Charles’ own interests lie.

  A thought suddenly strikes me when I think about Dan. This exchange club he wants me to go to: he says the women will do whatever I want. Whatever I need.

  What I need that probably no other woman will give me is an engagement. Sure, lots of women would probably be happy to marry me but I need one who knows it’s fake. She has to be on board with the arrangement. And what better way to ensure that she is than to know that she needs the money and that money is the sole reason she’s doing it?

  It really fucking irks me that my dad is giving me this ultimatum. I think about telling him off before I leave but I know that now is not the time. He’s a sick old man. Despite our many differences, I don’t want to make him more uncomfortable than he already probably is. And he’s finally asleep when he clearly needs his rest.

  So, I walk up to the bed and pat his feeble, cold, limp hand.

  “Goodbye, Dad,” I tell him. “Thanks for having me over.”

  Even if it was to spring this awful news on me, I think, but don’t say. I’m so mad at him but he might not have a lot of time left.

  “See you soon,” I add, as if to reassure both him and me.

  He opens an eye long enough to say, “Don’t forget about getting that Jennifer lady to marry you. I know it will be for the best.”

  I’m glad he can’t even remember the name of the girl I had thrown out as a possibility. Because I’m about to find one to stand in her place.

  It’ll be the perfect set up one that will make my dad happy, give me the company and not have to result in an actual marriage. Before I head back down the stairs I text Dan again.

  Alright, I tell him. I’ll go to this new club with you. It better be everything you say it is and more.

  He has no idea what I mean when I say “more.”

  He quickly texts me back: You aren’t going to regret it.

  I sure hope I won’t. />
  Chapter 4 – Veronica

  After biology class, I have statistics and then algebra. I’m taking a very heavy schedule of classes during the second semester of my freshman year. Stacy calls me a glutton for punishment. But I guess part of me is hoping that my mom gets to see me graduate from college, so I’m trying to speed that up.

  Also, I’m a nerd who likes math and likes learning in general. Figuring out numerical and mathematical problems takes my mind off my real problems. So, I’m one of those rare students who actually likes doing homework after spending all day in school.

  But today when I get home, it looks like the studying will have to wait. My mom is sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, crying as she looks at a piece of paper on the table in front of her.

  “What is it, Mom?” I ask, going up to her and hugging her.

  My poor mom. Life has dealt her such a bad blow. She has a rare form of cancer, sarcoma, for which the prognosis doesn’t seem good.

  “Oh, Veronica,” she says, shaking her head regretfully. “I didn’t realize how late it had gotten. I didn’t mean to still be sitting here when you got home from school. I don’t want to burden you with my problems any more than I already have.”

  “No, it’s fine, Mom,” I tell her, rubbing her back. “All I want to know is what’s going on so that maybe I can help.”

  “I don’t think anyone can help in this situation,” she says, burying her head in my chest.

  I hug her tightly and as she breaks down into sobs I realize what a serious situation this must be. During the entire time that my mom’s been diagnosed and getting treatment, she’s maintained a stoic demeanor.

  She always exudes strength where most people would break down. I know she has been trying hard to be my rock just as she has always been, since I was a newborn baby. So, whatever’s happening must be a really big deal.

  “Mom, tell me.” I run my hands over her thinning hair, which the chemotherapy treatments have ravaged. “Please. You’re really scaring me.”

  “Well,” my mom takes a big breath and nods her head as if deciding she needs to tell me. “The last time I was in to see the specialist, he told me that there was some hope to cure my cancer. Or at least, there’s a new method that seems much better than the current treatments. So I talked to the doctor that he recommended.”

  “That’s great, Mom,” I say, a little offended that she hadn’t told me any of this before.

  But I don’t mention it because I don’t want to make her feel even worse. My mom and I have always been so close. I’m close with my dad too, but with my mom there has always been a special understanding that it’s me and her against the world.

  “I know I didn’t say anything,” she says, as if reading my mind, which she has the tendency to do. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up and I really shouldn’t be saying anything now because my own hopes were dashed as soon as they were raised.”

  “I’m so sorry, Mom.”

  I don’t even understand what she’s talking about but it sounds bad.

  “And don’t worry about not telling me,” I add. “I understand.”

  It’s true— I do. I can’t even imagine if the roles were reversed. I don’t want to tell her anything that could make her feel sad. I want to protect her and she’s my mother, so her urge to protect me must be even stronger.

  “This other doctor told me that there is only a fifty percent chance that his treatment will even work,” she says.

  “Fifty percent,” I repeat, mulling the number over in my mind, thinking of all the statistics class I have ever taken. “That’s really good. Those are better odds than…”

  I trail off, not wanting to go there.

  “…than Dr. Oslo has given me of surviving even one more year,” my mom finishes my sentence for me. “I know that. But it’s still not great odds and it’s not as high as Dr. Oslo was hoping that it would be.”

  I nod, still not understanding what’s so bad that she’s this upset.

  “But the worst part is that this new doctor sent me a proposal of costs for the treatment and it is way outside anything I can possibly afford,” she continues, and now I understand.

  She hands me a piece of paper and I scan it. The treatment will be hundreds of thousands of dollars.

  “How much does insurance cover?” I ask her, hearing a glimmer of hope in my own voice.

  “None of it,” my mom says, shaking her head. “That’s the really sad thing that this doctor told me right up front. This treatment is considered experimental and there’s not enough data backing up the necessity for it or the rate of treatment success so the insurance doesn’t have to pay for it and they won’t. There are some private charities that will pay a certain amount due to the fact that we don’t make a lot of money, but it’s nowhere near as much as we would need to pay for the treatment.”

  “If there isn’t enough data to back it up, then how do you know that the treatment would actually be any good?” I ask her.

  “That’s what I had asked Dr. Oslo,” my mom says, “and he is sure that this doctor knows his stuff. He’s helped cure several patients nationwide already so he has the best experience and the best guess for how well this treatment would work on my particular type of cancer. Dr. Oslo said I can trust him on those fronts but he added that obviously the insurance company will find any reason to deny having to pay so much.”

  She hangs her head and sobs some more.

  “There’s really nothing either of them can do to help me be able to afford the treatment, even with the charity money and even with the doctor giving me a discount based on income. The treatment itself is cutting edge technology and is just so expensive that it has to come out of someone’s pocket. We both know it can’t be mine.”

  She starts crying again and I start rocking her in my arm, cradling her like a baby like she once did me. This whole time— ever since she was first diagnosed up until right now— she hasn’t mentioned what would happen if her cancer wasn’t cured. She was obviously holding out for some miracle, and she had thought this would be it. Now she is realizing her own fate and how little control she has over it.

  Reality hangs between us and we are both well aware of her prognosis without some kind of new cure or treatment. Like this one that’s apparently available to her with a fifty percent chance of working, if she could only afford it.

  There has to be a way to afford it.

  Chapter 5 – Veronica

  This is not how my life was supposed to go. I’m supposed to be a carefree college student. And if my mom were to get cancer then it should have happened when I was older and had a good job as a doctor or scientist and I could give her money to help her. I feel responsible even though I know this isn’t my fault.

  “Mom, don’t worry,” I tell her, holding up her head so that she’s looking me in the eyes. “We’ll figure something out. Do they take a payment plan?”

  “Not really,” she says, shaking her head. “That was one of the first things I asked. I was thinking I could get a second job.”

  “And I could get a job,” I say quickly.

  “No,” she says. “You’re in school. You need to focus on your studies. Your dad and I were so proud of you for getting your merit- based scholarship, so you don’t have to work and can just concentrate on school.”

  “I still have time in the evenings,” I tell her, urgently, trying to make her understand how desperately I want to help. How I feel like I need to do something to maintain some power or control over this situation or I will just burst. “Or I could lessen my class schedule. Anything to help.”

  “I appreciate that offer but I’m sorry to say it really won’t help,” she says.

  I can tell she’s struggling to keep from crying all over again.

  “They can only do a payment plan up to the next treatment and so many treatments are needed in such rapid succession that there just wouldn’t be enough time to save up any more money before the next payment
became due,” she continues. “It would be an issue of one hundred thousand dollars for the first treatment and then another one hundred thousand dollars for the next treatment, right in a row. I don’t even know where I could get the first one hundred thousand dollars from. It’s not like a second job would bring in that much anytime soon. Nor any job that you could get.”

  I sigh.

  “No offense, honey,” she quickly adds.

  “No mom, you’re right.”

  I’m beginning to feel the same sense of powerlessness she was undoubtedly feeling as she was sitting at the kitchen table crying. There’s no way I could get a job that pays that much without more education— more time. I suddenly realize the dilemma. What we need is more time, which we don’t have, or a way to make a lot of money fast.

  …Which I might have.

  The Student Gazette seems to be burning a hole in my backpack. I think I’ve found a solution.

  I know my mom wouldn’t approve– not to mention my dad– so I can’t mention it to them. I’m their innocent little girl and they would be crushed to think of me any other way. So, I’ll have to figure out a way to give Mom the money without revealing where it came from.

  Maybe I can pay for the treatments directly and say it came from an anonymous donor, or that the charity group was able to give more than they’d originally thought. There’s plenty of time to figure out how to explain the money.

  But once I’ve done the deed, it will be done. I’ll have the money and then I can determine how to best pay for Mom’s treatments without her knowing. It’s not like the guy who pays for me could demand his money back— could he?

  He will have taken my virginity. I know without a doubt that that’s what he would want. Money can buy anything and I could sell my very first time to the highest bidder. I’m not sure how much that would go for but maybe it would be enough for one treatment and then I could do it again before the second treatment is needed.