Wine of the Gods 03: The Black Goats

by Pam Uphoff

  "The closer it is, the easier it will be to put a long term illusion on it."

  Dydit sniffed, and slipped over to another case, and the cupboards beneath. "Crystal balls! Incredible." He found a purple one and with careful slices reduced it to the size and shape of the gem on the Archwizard's sword.

  "Excellent." Nil pried a flawed garnet from the sword hilt and replaced it with the purple crystal. He dropped the red garnet from the sword hilt into Dydit's hand and walked to central display case.

  "In fact it hardly needs an illusion." The old man laid the swords side by side and nodded his satisfaction. The Archwizard's sword blazed at his touch now, and threw violet reflections around the room. Dydit shifted the fake into the correct position and shut the case. King Nihility was just staring at the sword, so Dydit explored more cupboards and found a scabbard and belt for him.

  Nil was still standing there.

  He explored further, caught sight of a flicker of something that wasn't there, and hunted it down. Opened a door hidden both physically and magically. A cupboard packed with books. Dydit picked up the first. The relationship between chanting and the mind. He found a large canvas sack and managed to get them all in.

  The old wizard was still staring at the sword.

  Dydit cleared his throat. Nil started, and blushed as if caught doing something shameful. He took the scabbard, sheathed the sword and they made their way out, warping light about themselves until they were out and unobserved.

  "I think you'd better hide that, or we'll really be in trouble." Dydit snorted as the old man made an illusion of nothing there, with an illusion of a short heavy knife over it.

  "It has such an incredible collection of spells on it. Layer after layer, and some of the magic goes where I can't even see it. I used to study it for days." Nil sighed, and Dydit figured he'd probably be studying it for days. "What's in the sack?"

  "Bunch of old books. Thought it would be better to look them over after we were out of there, not before."

  "Oh, yes, of course." The Old Man was quiet all the way home. Until Dydit unpacked and piled the most rare and dangerous books from the Tyrant's library on their kitchen table.

  "These were kept locked away from human gaze. Old Gods, you've even got the genie charts! Not that we know what to do with them any more. Hell, I didn't know what to do with them six hundred years ago. Haven't ever seen a genie, myself, and how they could chant these so-called-names . . . I can't believe they didn't burn. That the spells of concealment lasted six hundred years."

  Dydit snorted and built book shelves in the old man's room. "Gods know how you're going to keep Weg out of these."

  ***

  Only two big scary guys showed up, this time. "We heard you were interested in selling your store."

  "Oh, yes, my Father-in-law is finding it a bit much for him, at his age. Are you interested?" Dydit looked them over carefully. They both appeared to have something stuffed down the front of their pants. They certainly hadn't waited until spring to return. Had they worked their way through Nil's spells? It had only been, what, two months? A bit less?

  "Our, er, widowed sister is interested in investing her late husband's insurance money in a shop in a nice part of town."

  Dydit nodded. "Let me give you some advise to pass on to your sister. I'm a widower, myself, three children. Does your sister have children?" he asked, babbling along and trying to irritate them while looking naive and innocent.

  "Poor thing is expecting her first."

  Dydit choked faintly.

  The big scary guy narrowed his eyes, ready to avenge any slight to his, ah, sister's honor.

  "Well, let me tell you, it's hard to raise children and mind the shop properly," Dydit felt a bit faint. Nil's spell was so strong the 'man' was fertile? He scrambled his brains back into order. "I have my Father-in-law to help me, he does all the wine making and deliveries. Unless you two gentlemen are going to help your sister, or she's planning on finding another husband quickly . . . No?" Both men looked horrified at the idea. "Well, I'd recommend she give up making her own wine and the deliveries. That would keep the business down to a size she could handle."

  The bigger scary man frowned around the shop. "But, what do you do then? Everyone says you make tons of money?"

  "Oh, that's easy. See, I buy wine by the barrel, and bottle it myself. I can get a fifty gallon barrel of a nice red for seventy marks. Then I sell the two hundred bottles for a mark apiece. If my Father-in-law's wine works out, I could double the profit."

  "All that for just rebottling the wine?" the big scary man looked indignant.

  "Well, you've got to put on a bit of a show," Dydit waved around the store, with its artsy decor. "Work at selling the wine, because you have to sell a lot to make enough to live on. And of course you have to buy the recycled bottles, and the corks, and so forth."

  The men were looking around the shop thoughtfully, and Dydit half closed his eyes and studied them through his wizard's senses. Nil's spell had run its course, and was just lying there. Dydit reordered the steps, and started it all in motion again.

  The men nodded at each other. "Yeah, Johnny definitely needs this place."

  The bigger scary man cracked his knuckles. "Let's talk price."

  "Oh, for that you need to talk to my Father-in-law," Dydit glanced out the front windows. "He should be back anytime now . . . in fact I think I hear the wagon. Why don't you come back and see the rest of the premises?"

  They ignored the kitchen as he led them through, took a long look at the eight barrels Nil was speed aging in the storeroom, and frowned at the stables.

  "What do you need so many horses for?" the bigger scary guy asked.

  "Four is probably in excess to our needs," Dydit conceded. "But a riding horse is so handy, and we need the heavier horses for the wagon."

  Nil finished unhitching Chocolate, and wandered over. He made a slight wave of his hand, and frowned at Dydit. "You really need lessons. You can't just swap parts of a spell about like they weren't any more important than fence boards. The poor things are in bad enough shape right now. Where would they be with no genitals at all?"

  "None?" Dydit frowned at the spell. "But I put the masculine parameters here, with the embryonic growth stimulus."

  "You have to package them with sequential, step by step initiation, after the absorption of the unwanted parts has finished, or it just won't work," he waved a hand vaguely. "Like that."

  "Oh." Dydit saw the problem and blushed. "I see."

  "I'll consider it a plus that you actually wanted to help these two. What happened to the third brother?"

  "He's pregnant."

  "Titch! Serves him right for getting curious."

  "Anyhow, they still want to buy the shop," Dydit explained. "It's for their pregnant sister."

  "Oh, not yet!" Nil turned to the blankly staring men. "Your sister will be in much better shape to run a shop if you wait until the baby arrives." He thought that over. "Actually, we're about done here, aren't we?"

  "I think so. Should we leave now, though? It's already getting cold. Not more than a month or two of weather fit to travel in before winter sets in properly."

  "I'd just as soon be gone, winter-over wherever we find ourselves." He looked at the brothers. "I mean, come back in a week and we'll be interested." He made shooing motions with his hands, and they turned and left.

  ***

  The bell rang out eight times.

  "That's the Militia ring." Dydit grumped. "Someone must have under-cut Biny's prices." He shrugged into the silly jacket.

  "Cynic. I sure they've caught a dangerous wizard. Rumor has it that one lives in the neighborhood."

  "Not two?"

  "I did say dangerous."

  "Ha. Ha."

  Vizdy Gato had Weg by the collar. Up in front of the Militia.

  "He's asking the wrong sorts of questions, and arguing all the time."

  Dydit choked as he hustled up to the front of the gathering
crowd. "He's a very smart child. There nothing wrong with that. Annoying, yes."

  Coy and Rotic popped up and hid behind Nil. Who was making slight motions with his left hand.

  "But he's always asking about magic, and how we recognize it and what the Tyrant Wizards did apart from killing people."

  "Well, our jobs as Militia are exciting to a young boy. And don't all citizens, even those not in the Militia need to know the signs to watch out for? And you do teach the history of Scoone, don't you? Only natural for a boy to be more interested in the gory bits."

  The people around then were nodding in agreement, and the crowd was evaporating as they realized no one was going up in flames today.

  Hesto Biny, in full "leader of the block" regalia stepped in. "We'll just run the boy down to the Council Hall and test him, to be sure."

  Weg looked a bit panicky, but Dydit nodded. "What an excellent idea. Let's go."

  "No. You will stay here. We don't allow parents to participate." She took Weg's other arm—Gato had never released his grip on the boy—and led them off.

  The other militia members gathered around, and Dydit couldn't follow at all, not even to be outside the Council Hall.

  Nil and the other boys were similarly surrounded, and Dydit suddenly wondered if the wizard burnings tended to become family barbeques. They'd better not harm Weg.

  Half an hour later Biny and Gato returned, Weg running ahead of them to dive into the safety of family. So to speak.

  "Not a trace of magic." Hesto Biny proclaimed. "Now Mister Deedee, the boy is being offensive and difficult in class. Asking too many questions and getting ahead of the other students, creating inequality. Here are all the tickets, send the payment by the first of the month . . . "

  "What are you going to do to them?" Dydit asked, apprehensively, later. The old wizard kings had been known for their high body counts.

  "I've been wracking my brain, and I really can't think of anything worse than what they've done to themselves. Where are those damn bullies? It's time to get out of here."

  Dydit spent the rest of the week bottling wine and selling it, but also increasing the stock on hand. However much of a bully the mother and uncles, his kid ought to have a decent start . . .

  They took a barrel along with them, and a crate of bottles. Passersby were still giving the boys odd looks, so Nil loaded up early and headed out with the boys.

  Dydit contemplated the half bottle of that wine. Did even the bullies deserve what he could do with this? No. Not really. They were such minor nuisances compared to, say, Maleth.

  The shop door opened, and he leaned out to look. Ah. Little Miss Goody.

  "It's been so nice having you here. The boys are going to really miss you." Actually they were delighted to escape her smothering. "And here's your pay, and a bonus. We'll miss you Vivi."

  "Oh, Mister Deedee! I'm going to miss the boys so much! I was never able to have any of my own."

  Temptation won.

  "Here, let's finish off this bottle, silly of us to pack it." Dydit poured a scant mouthful into two glasses. "To the future!"

  "Oh, Mister Deedee, I shouldn't, but . . . "

  It was two hours before he made it back down to finish closing up.

  Hetso Biny was standing there, looking around with a frown. "I certainly hope that family you sold out to does as good a job of bringing in business as you have, Mister Deedee."

  Oh gods, the old biddy was a virgin. "Let's toast the future, then!"

  Three hours later, with women snoring in two different beds, he packed the dregs of that wine into his saddlebags, and handed the keys over to the Three Big Scary Guys. Even though they weren't guys yet, and the worst of the trio never would be. Old Gods, he was an ugly woman! "Hope you enjoy the shop and make a good living at it."

  He let Dun trot out a bit more quickly than the speed limit on city streets, but he really wanted to be outside the wall before the women woke up.

  He caught up with the wagon at noon the next day.

  "I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to come back and rescue you." Nil greeted him.

  "Ah, they didn't show up for the key until late in the day." Dydit was shocked to find himself happy to see the kids. He hugged the brain, made a rude gesture to the brat and shook hands with the good one. "So, where's the western border, and what's on the other side?"

  "Dunno, let's go find out."

  ***

  There was a party going on in the little border town. They were building up wood for a bonfire, and everyone was out on the street. The boys hung out the back of the wagon and spotted other kids. They were gone in a second.

  "Greeting, citizens!" Nil called out from the wagon bench. "What is the occasion?"

  "We caught a monster!"

  "A Wizard!"

  "It came in off the New Lands!"

  "The New Lands?" Nil asked.

  "Yes, and everyone knows that anyone who comes from those lands should be destroyed."

  "Why?" Dydit kneed Dun forward. "What's out there?"

  The crowd gasped. "No one knows."

  "We kill anyone who tries to pass the border."

  "What are you doing here?"

  "I'm a wine merchant from Scoone, trying to expand my business by serving the outlying communities."

  "Wine?" All voices together.

  "May I speak to your Warden? Perhaps there is enough time to fill out the paperwork for a charitable donation to your celebration." Nil rubbed a hand over his face as if he were suppressing some expression.

  That met with a cheer and they were promptly escorted to the Warden. At the jail. Dydit ran into Nil's back when he stopped suddenly, and peered around him to see what the problem was.

  A young man was tied up in the first cell. Bound, gagged, and shackled. Bruised and bloodied. It took Dydit a moment to recognize the shreds of uniform left on the man. Kingdom of the West? What was a Westerner doing here?

  "So, that's the Monster?"

  The young man's eyes jerked open and he stared in disbelief at Nil.

  "That's him. We'll burn him at sundown. Now what's your business?" The Warden was a big beefy man, his sleeves rolled up, collar open.

  Nil repeated his spiel about the wine, and the Charitable Donation papers flew.

  Dydit strolled back outside. "Where do you think we should set up the barrel?" he asked the hopefuls hanging about. "Somewhere by the fire?"

  They led him to the perfect spot, and he rounded up some volunteers to help him unload a barrel. He pulled the bung. "Needs to breath, after the trip, you know?"

  Heads nodded. Idiots obviously knew nothing about wine. He shifted the wagon away, parking it where it would be out of everyone's way—on the border side of town. He left the horses hitched, Dun and Bay tied to the back.

  He got out a siphon, a box of glasses and then he fished that wine bottle out of his saddle bag. Little enough left. Hopefully enough.

  "Dad, Dad! Can I have some money?" Coy's eyes were bright and happy. "They're going to be selling charred monster bones in a little while!"

  "Why certainly, son. See where the wagon is parked? Get back to it before the bonfire starts. Then we'll all go watch together. Tell your brothers, and share this around." He handed over a fist full of tenth pieces. The boy scampered off, and Dydit strolled back to the barrel. He emptied the dregs into it, then set up the siphon. The Sun was getting low. He refilled his wine bottle and took it back to the wagon.

  Nil marched from the Warden's office, permit in hand. The crowd sighed in relief. "Well, we didn't actually bring enough glasses for a town, perhaps you could bring your own?"

  As the people scattered, Nil leaned over, "That wine?"

  Dydit nodded, and started pouring as people started appearing, glasses in hand. "No, Coy, you are much too young, go buy some candy." He handed over more coins. And poured.

  The Warden appeared, with two assistants dragging the Westerner between them. They dropped him long enough to accept the
glasses Dydit handed them, drained them and handed the glasses back, while the Warden tapped his foot impatiently. They picked up the 'monster' and carried him to the piled wood.

  "Oh, Geri, isn't this exciting!" A buxom housewife grabbed her husband and rubbed her hips against him. Or maybe it wasn't her husband, he looked surprised, then drew her into the shadows between two houses.

  "Oh, I just know I shall faint!" An excited young woman.

  "Oh Suzi, your bodice is probably too tight!" A young man's hands went where her father would not approve.

  Dydit turned the siphon over to a local.

  He worked his way through the crowd, a bit distracted by all the kissing, and the hands going places, but he could see the Warden tying the Westerner to the stake. The assistants held him up to be bound, but as the Warden stepped away, one of them turned to the Warden.

  "You know I've always loved you."

  "What?" the big beefy man yelled.

  The other big beefy man grabbed him and kissed him.

  "Eeeich!" the Warden shoved him away, following up with a haymaker.

  The second assistant leaped in at the wrong time, "What are you doing?" and intercepted the punch. The first assistant leaped on the Warden, knocking them both flat. His hips were jerking and the fight started in earnest. Screams in the crowd led to clutches and then clenches on the ground.

  Dydit heard a metallic clink and saw the metal shackles fall off the Westerner as a blade flashed and the ropes fell away.

  Nil was very nearly invisible even to Dydit, and he doubted any of the villagers could see him at all. In fact, it looked like a shadow of the Westerner was still hanging on the pole. Flame licked up suddenly from the wood, and Dydit scanned the crowd for disobedient boys. All three of them were laughing at the silly things the adults were doing.

  "Wagon, now."

  "I haven't got my monster bone, yet."

  "I do believe your Grandfather has two hundred and four of them for you."

  They caught up with Nil and the Westerner at the wagon.

  "Whoa! We get to have a Monster?"

  "Yep." Nil dumped the man in the back and climbed onto the driver's seat. "Hey, Scout, any particular direction I should head?"