Wine of the Gods 03: The Black Goats

by Pam Uphoff

  "What the . . . Aiii! " The first man he hit somersaulted over him and hit at a bad angle. Broken neck for that one. Dydit winced, the Wizard King had told him not to kill. He slashed a hamstring of the man facing Lefty, then charged the pair that were trying to get near Never. The first man he butted landed face first in front of her. Her bare foot shot out and he collapsed, drained. Dydit spun on the other, dodging a sword thrust before the man suddenly folded up and started snoring.

  The horses he'd heard crested the ridge and galloped down. Three lightly armored riders with swords.

  They took aim at Lefty, ignoring the girl and the goat. He charged at the nearest horse. He was big enough that the unexpected impact from the side staggered the horse into the one beside it. As the riders cussed and tried to get their charge back together, Lefty bolted around the wagon, forcing the riders to turn and try to chase him down. Never's first arrow took a rider in the throat, her second though the chest, low, to miss the chain mail coif.

  The third bandit, veered off and galloped back over the hill. Dydit galloped after him and stopped on the ridge.

  Five dismounted bandits were closing around the wagon, the woman driving was jerking at the reins, but one of the bandits was at the horses' heads, and they were going nowhere. Two men, one to either side of the wagon, were keeping the bandits cautious.

  The galloping rider yelled at them waving back at the ridge.

  One of the loose horses, horribly lamed, hamstrung, tried to veer, to intercept the charge as the rider used his mount as a battering ram, to run over the man on this side on the wagon. The rider's horse swerved enough for the rapier wielding man to leap aside, then thrust.

  Never stood up, and started placing arrows, hitting first the men on the far side, and then the man holding the horses. Her third shot missed, as the man threw himself behind the horses.

  The two on this side tried ducking behind lose horses, and the rapier man took them both down.

  The woman driver, swerved her horses toward the last bandit and whipped them up. The defender on that side lunged and slashed the bandit's throat as he dodged the horses

  Dydit looked over the scene, then Never nudged him in the ribs. "Go back to the wagon, and put your . . . clothes on."

  "Maaah!" He trotted away, changing back as soon as he was off the ridge. Maybe Never would admire his legs.

  He drove the wagon over the ridge, to find his companions watching the rapier man with some bemusement.

  "So now, Oh most noble of beasts,

  Companion on my long dark journey,

  With grief I must send you to that reward

  Which awaits all mortal creatures."

  Dydit realized that the man was carrying on about his hamstrung horse. He eyed the animal. Even lame it had attempted to protect its rider. The gelding was a flashing copper gold chestnut, tall and elegant, with a fine head. He climbed down from the wagon and walked around the horse. There was no doubt about it. The gelding was easily the best horse he'd ever laid eyes on. Never was stroking its hindquarters, stunning the muscles to make them relax, and pulling on the tendon. He doubted she would be able to get it back together, although witches were well known for healing. But he knew what would work. In fact he wasn't at all certain that it wouldn't bring back the dead.

  He fetched the wine and a cork screw.

  "Through good times and bad,

  you have stood by me. Loyalty

  Is your finest attribute.

  "Lifelong have you served . . .

  "What are you doing?" The man broke off as Dydit poured a handful of wine for the animal. It wasn't very interested, shivering now. Then its nostrils quivered and something in the scent attracted it. It took a slurp and curled its lip back. And sucked down about a cup's worth as he slowly poured it into his hand.

  "Damn, that did the trick." Never put the horse's leg down, and it put its weight on it cautiously. Snorted and tossed its head. Danced over and shoved its head into the man's chest.

  The Rapier Man dropped his hat and ran his hand down the horse's leg. Tears were running down his face as he hugged the horse, Never, and even Dydit.

  Then he hugged Lefty, his fellow swordsman, and the woman he'd been fighting to save. He wiped his cheeks. "My faithful steed is miraculously healed. My thanks for your intervention, and your magic. May we have the honor of knowing to whom we are indebted?"

  "I'm, umm, Dydit Twicecutt, this is Never Happysdaut, and err, Lefty, what the hell is your name?"

  "Carwell Lebonift."

  Of course. Veronian, himself, as were the young couple, all three of them the various tawny shades of the border country.

  "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Sir Romeau Ayrees and my companions are Lord Jelesterfair and Lady Lalligah.

  "Pleased to meet you." Never told them. "What in the World are you doing out here?"

  "We thought we were escaping," the lady blinked away tears. "But obviously my father has discovered which way we went."

  "Young love will not be denied.

  How can such devotion,

  be eclipsed by mere statecraft?"

  "So, Sir Romeau." Dydit pursed his lips, "Are you perhaps a poet?" With a sudden sinking feeling, he squinted sideways at him. Glowing shimmering, a rainbow of soft colors.

  "A poet and a lover. Risking all to help these two love crossed . . . "

  "Noooo! Not another one."

  Never squinted at the man. "Oh. My."

  Dydit glanced over at Lefty, suddenly aware of his long silence. He was staring at the woman.

  Dydit waved his hand in front of Lefty's face. "Hello? Anyone home?"

  Lefty started, and then choked, "You're the Princess. Lalligah. You can't elope," he waved his hands vaguely. "You're the Emperor's only child."

  "Not any more. Empress Stepmother has a baby boy, so I can marry whomever I wish." She tossed her head, pale blonde hair flying, "I don't care what they say about the goat."

  Lefty and Never both looked at Dydit.

  "Did. Not."

  "Good. In any case, we had a bit of trouble with about fifty men, back there. They're guarding the new route to Western."

  "Damn." Lord Fair hugged his princess, looking worried. "We may have to head for Scoone."

  Lefty and Dydit were both shaking their heads. "You don't want to do that."

  Never hesitated, and then surrendered to temptation. "Umm, what exactly is the problem with the . . . goat?"

  The Princess hid her face in her hands. "Did you hear about the orgy? No? Good. I was afraid the whole world was laughing at my father."

  "He, umm, did something to a goat?"

  "No. He, he and my stepmother. In full sight of over a hundred nobles, incidentally, conceived my baby half-brother. There was a goat in the room, apparently, hmm, quite nasty, but it didn't do anything to my stepmother." she heaved an irritated sigh. "But the Scooners are just apoplectic over it. They say it looked at my parents while they were, err, and therefore the child is evil and ought to be burned at the stake. They are threatening to invade over it."

  "Ah," Dydit nodded, "But have they filled in all the paperwork? Held an election?"

  She threw him a confused look and shrugged. "It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the Church of Love and the Six Virgins."

  Dydit's eyes slid to the old god. "Church of Love. And you showed up soon after, no doubt?"

  "I felt them calling me." Romeau replaced his hat, and swept the brim down at just the right rakish angle.

  "The six virgins have immortalized 'Love' in the form of a goat, and swear that the Goat of Love sired their children." Lord Fair blushed. "Silly, I know."

  Never turned red, trying to suppress a coughing fit.

  "Ah, that definition of 'virgin.'" Lefty nodded, his lips were twitching as if he were having a hard time suppressing a smile.

  Dydit figured he might as well give up and go back to herding sheep.

  "Whatever happened to the eunuch, I wonder?" he muttered.

/>   "Oh, he married Lady Godwin, they've got twins. I can't imagine why that woman always wears so much."

  He opened his mouth to ask about hair color and eyes, then shut it. Just the possibility was bad enough.

  They organized bodies, alive and dead, and to Dydit's disgust used the wine on several of the wounded bandit-mercenaries. At least they had sense enough to take all of their horses.

  He himself cast a thoughtful eye on a horse ridden by a god, and claimed the three best mares among the mercenaries' mounts as his own part of the loot. The Veronians decided to follow them south, and try to get into Western that way. So they herded their new acquisitions south.

  They took their time, stopping a bit early every night so Never could meditate and consider the shape of things below the ground. And contact her mother and pass along the news. Eventually they would receive orders back, as to what the King wanted them to do with the runaway princess. For now, Lefty was staying with them.

  Dydit was surprised to find that he was apparently good company. His stories about Scoone and the Sheep Man were hysterically funny, in retrospect, and that was without exaggeration. As was his advice about how Verona ought to deal with the incipient war.

  He had Lord Jelesterfair literally rolling on the floor as he invented all the forms they should have Scoone fill out before they could possibly be allowed to invade. "Impact of Army foraging across the countryside? Should be able to stretch that one out for eight pages at least."

  "In triplicate?" his lordship giggled.

  "Yes, and when it returns, ask for the vote totals on every point. Anything they failed to vote on, look shocked, and have them fill out a form for declaration of lack of need to poll the voters."

  The Princess snickered. "You are so silly. I refuse to believe it's that bad."

  "No, really it is." Dydit protested.

  ***

  "What duties does a Princess have, In Verona?" Never asked the young woman.

  She snorted, a very unladylike sound. "Look attractive, save one's virginity for a marriage of convenience to someone who will advance the interests of the Emperor, or the Council of Nobles." She shuddered. "They fight about it. About who gets the prize. Like you're not even a person. When I was three years old, they betrothed me to the son of the richest man in the world. He died before the marriage ever happened. They talked with Auralia, they talked with Scoone. And then they were negotiating with Western to be the Second Princess. I guess you know all about that. So suddenly they're going to settle for marrying me to this old man, an influential Duke, and he dies of old age before the negotiations were settled. When they started looking at the man's son I just couldn't stand it any longer." She got up and paced. "Jelesterfair and I, we met five years ago. I've never met anyone . . . he looked at me like a person. Not a negotiating ploy or a diplomatic treat. We, we could only see each other at dances, or formal dinners." She blushed. "I used to sneak to a window, and he'd sneak down an alley, and we could toss notes back and forth, we didn't dare yell to each other."

  "So, really, you don't have anything to do with the governing of the country?"

  "Not a thing. I tried to talk to them. The latest point in the negotiations was that my husband had to be capable of being regent for my little brother. Fair would be good. He understands how Verona runs. They think he's not old enough, hasn't got the backing of one faction or the other. I told them that was perfect, he could be a common meeting ground. They patted me on the head and sent me away. So I went. A lot further than they'd thought."

  Never nodded. "Sounds like the only sensible thing to do." She walked out then, to meditate and communicate.

  :: Really, Never, you've found a very odd group of traveling companions for someone who wanted to be alone for awhile. You should have taken Rustle along. It would have been educational. ::

  Never snickered, then thought about fighting bandits while keeping track of an active toddler. She shuddered. In the distance, she could hear the men talking.

  "You could at least try that wine, colic kills horses, you know!" Romeau's Sun Gold was a bit under the weather. Head hanging and occasionally turning to look at its sides.

  Dydit was shrugging, "All right, but just a bit. It's rather strong."

  :: I'm so glad she's home and safe with family. Honest, I'll mind all the kids and let you and Grandmother get in some major works as soon as I get home. ::

  Her mother was amused, :: The school is working out very well that way. We'll rope you in for extra duty when you finally get back. ::

  :: Yes Mum. Now I'll go deliver Lefty's orders and work on my own. Love you. ::

  Sun Gold was already feeling much better, prancing about energetically, lethargy and pain gone. Dydit was over with his three mares. She and Lefty drifted over.

  "Why are you giving them that wine?" she asked.

  "Oh, I figured I'd breed better horses than Nil, just to show him up."

  "Sun Gold's a gelding."

  "Sun Gold was a gelding." He said. "Step aside, I believe he's dragging his Loyal Master and Companion through hard times and ooof! You have a hard elbow, Witch."

  They stepped aside as Sun Gold introduced himself to the girls.

  Lefty reached out and grabbed Romeau, "You're the God of Love. You shouldn't stand in the way of equine romance."

  "Oh Cruel Fate!

  The finest horse

  That 'ere set hoof to World

  A hasty decision,

  An awkward yearling cut.

  Oh the loss to the equine race!"

  "Romeau, Wizards have been growing their nads back since thousands of years ago. That wine of Gisele's would grow nads on a fish." Dydit told him.

  Romeau frowned, and walked over to where Sun Gold was done with the sweet talk and getting down to business. He straightened back up. "I want to meet this Gisele person."

  Never and Dydit swapped glances. "That's a scary thought."

  "Scarier than the Goat of Love, armed with an aphrodisiac so strong it can start wars and religions?" Lefty asked.

  "I'm, I'm. I didn't. Well, I mean, I did, but. Umm, it's the Sheep Man's fault for bringing that wine along."

  "I'm shocked, really. You looked at the Empress." Never snickered. "Six virgins? That was a lot of spells broken, no?"

  "Yes. Not any useful ones, mind you."

  "So, umm," Never looked sideways at him, "How many children do you have, anyway?"

  He didn't dignify that with an answer. Mainly because he hadn't a clue. Every female Ba'alists he'd encountered over the last three years, the orgy, Old Gods! The Bully in Scoone! The other two women in Scoone, and the orgy in that border town . . . it could easily be forty, now that he thought about it. Or more. He was a bit hazy on numbers during the orgy in Cadence.

  When the Lord and Lady begged a drink, he gave them a very tiny amount. They still got a late start the next morning, and Romeau drove their wagon, while they slipped into the back. Sun Gold was kept busy, herding his harem up close behind the wagons, and satisfying the mares. Over and over. They stopped early, out of sheer pity for the exhausted animal.

  Never's examinations were interesting.

  The lava strips narrowed, and some of them disappeared into fault zones, and merged with others. The depth to the zone of hot soft rocks got deeper.

  "I have a nasty suspicion that I'm going to have to get a very, very early start and trace the faults and lava strips north and see what happens. The World is a sphere. Do the faults spread and then converge again?"

  "Like the lines on a melon?" Dydit could see what she meant, but there was a bit of a problem . . . "I don't think you can go far enough north to go halfway around the World."

  "Hmm. OK, I can see that there would be a problem. But could I go far enough to map the faults out on a globe?"

  They followed the faults through the badlands that ran from north of the Southern Divide, to the Great Divide, and on the south side found the first sight of other people they'd had in over a month.
<
br />   Juit was more of a large village than a small town, but big enough to sell the extra mounts. Dydit kept his mares. The prancing golden stallion attracted rather a lot of attention. He left behind some happy mares and hopeful mare owners, somewhat lighter in the pocket.

  "Sun Gold did all the work, he should reap the rewards." The new saddle blanket was a dazzling white, and a gold trinket decorated the bridle.

  Without all the extra equine mouths to feed, they continued Never's survey of the faults.

  ***

  "Excuse me, miss?"

  Never looked over at the man who'd spoken, and completely missed the man behind her. The whiff of the drug on the cloth, and she reached to pull the energy from his body . . .

  She woke up bound, gagged, and in a wagon. Moving fast.

  "Awake, are you, Princess?"

  Never blinked woozily at the man, then tried to look around. Had they gotten the Princess, too? She reached for the power, but she was too far off the Earth to feel it. She had a feeling she really needed a shield.

  "Now, if you'll be good, I'll undo the gag. Are you going to scream?"

  She shook her head. They think I'm the Princess? She eyed the man's collection of knives, showing briefly under his vest and at his belt. I think I'll be a Princess for awhile.

  Veronian, a Veronian Princess. The gag came off. "How, how dare you." she made it sound nice and weak. With Lalli's accent. He chuckled.

  "Now, Princess, in another two hours we'll be meeting some people. You are going to marry one of them."

  She shook her head. "I'm already married."

  "Not by either Veronian or Auralian laws. But you know that, don't you?"

  She widened her eyes and tried to look desperate. The effort made her eyes water. All to the good.

  Sooner or later they'd have to leave the wagon, put her down on the Earth. They'd regret it.

  "Wakey, wakey, Princess Lalligah! That's better. Hello, beautiful! I'm your new fiancé, Solti Llano Lilian." The young man would have been handsome if his eyes had been just a bit further apart. He dabbed at the corner of his mouth with a frilly white handkerchief. "Blue eyes! Oh, I'm so glad! Don't you just get tired of everyone always having brown eyes?"