It's Never Enough: Book 1 in the Never Series

by Susan Soares

  “Yeah, it’s not too hot this afternoon.” Unsure what spooked him back at Perked, I became self-conscious of what to say or what to do, so I just quietly sipped my coffee as we walked hand in hand.

  We came to a park, and I let Devin guide me to a large tree. When we sat down and leaned our backs against it, we could see almost all around us. We sipped our coffee, and my hand rested in his as we sat quietly together. It was nice. He traced tiny shapes with his thumb along the back of my hand. Circles, squares, hearts. Even though the moment was quiet, I could still feel some tense energy coming off of him, and I wasn’t sure what it was, but it made my stomach curl into itself hoping it wasn’t me.

  There were quite a few people in the park. I loved the older couples who sat on a bench and fed the birds or just sat holding hands and staring out into the world. There were some families with young children. A few moms were over by the playground area with their little ones. The toddlers rejoiced in the sandbox, flicking and throwing sand, while their moms caught up with each other, most likely the only other adult contact they’d have all day until their husbands came home. There was one dad pushing his little one on the baby swing. The little boy giggled with delight as he was pushed up a little bit higher each time. It made me think about my dad. Would he be at the park with my little half-brother or half-sister? Would Janet become part of a mom’s club and meet up with the other local moms at the park? I couldn’t picture it. First off, they’d both be the oldest parents around. Not that they were ancient, but they weren’t in their early thirties either. Janet had a good job working as a physical therapist. There was no way she was going to leave that to stay home full-time. She didn’t even stay home full-time when Fiona was growing up. So my little brother or sister was bound to be stuck in daycare from the age of three months on until the kid was old enough to go to school. Then they’d have to set up some before- and after-school program so the kid could be taken care of while my dad and Janet worked all day. Maybe I could take care of him or her. Kind of like a nanny. Before I found the job working for Casper, I had seen lots of ads online of people looking for full-time nannies. I wonder how much they’d pay me? I mean, they’d have to pay me. I’d be doing it as my full-time job, not as a favor or anything. Then maybe my dad would lay off me about college. It was a possibility. I could always look into going to school online, or part-time at night, to appease him. The security of me staying with the baby was sure to be a positive that would make them consider it. I made a mental note to talk to them about it the next time we had dinner together. The plan just might give me the breathing room I needed. If only they’d go along with it.

  Devin and I left the park and browsed around the bookstore. Been There Read That was the one small bookstore left in our town, and they were hurting for business. The large chains and the online retailers were totally driving them on their way to closing their doors. The shop had added a small coffee area—basically a small corner table with one of those single serve coffee makers—and added events like an open-mic night. I loved all the little displays they created, such as theme tables that housed all the great books from each genre. Devin and I had separated as I gravitated towards the contemporary fiction section—I was a sucker for drama and romance. After writing down six new titles I wanted to purchase, I found my way to him. His energy was like a beacon guiding me. He was at a display table filled with astrology books.

  “Are you into astrology?” I asked while picking up a copy of Stars, Signs, and Sex.

  He looked up from the book he was holding. “I wouldn’t say I’m into it. I’m not checking my horoscope every day, but I think it’s interesting.” He flipped a page. “Check this out.” He moved closer to me. “This page tells you your love combinations. You know like what signs are compatible.”

  “So there is some validity to the ‘what’s your sign’ line?” I cuddled up next to him, absorbing his energy.

  He leaned into me, cocked an eyebrow, and said, “Hey baby, what’s your sign?”

  “Don’t ever do that again.”

  “Wow, apparently there was a reason why my ex and I didn’t get along,” he said after reading something. “This says I’m pretty much incompatible with everyone.” He continued to scan the page. “Oh wait, Aries and I make a perfect match. Well that’s simple enough then. Twelve astrological signs out there, and I’m only compatible with Aries.” He shook his head.

  I bit my bottom lip. “I’m an Aries.”

  Devin’s eyes rested on the book for a moment, and then a wide grin washed over his face as he slammed the book shut. “Okay, time to check out,” he said as he took me by the hand, and we waited in line to pay for the book that just told us we were meant to be together.

  After leaving the bookstore, we headed back to my apartment. It was an hour before I had to walk the dogs. “So we can just watch some TV if you want.” I said after handing him a soda.

  “As long as you’re sitting next to me, it’s all good.”

  Heat colored my cheeks. “Well, do you want to walk the dogs with me again? You can walk next to me then.” My body couldn’t help but be pulled to his as I cuddled next to him.

  “Sounds good, but you take Vixen. I think she has a crush on me.”

  I placed my chin on his shoulder. “She’s not the only one.”

  He placed his hand under my chin and raised it slightly. Then his lips came down onto mine. Warm and moist, our mouths hungrily explored each other. As his tongue swirled around mine and his breath intensified, I moved my body on top of his so I was straddling him. His hands found my ass and he pushed my lower body against his. Soft moans escaped my body as he moved his mouth to my neck and the exposed cleavage that peeked out of my V-neck shirt. He kissed and licked the tops of my breasts as I tugged the V-neck even lower giving him flesh to explore. My body temperature spiked and I wanted to rip all my clothes off.

  “Wait, Fiona might come home,” I managed to say in between husky breaths.

  Devin slowed the pace of his kisses on my neck. “We’ll tell her to look away.”

  My nose crinkled up from my quiet smile as his tongue flicked my earlobe. “Come on, we have to get off the couch.” I peeled my body off his and took him by the hands. Walking backwards I led him to my bedroom. “This way I won’t be thinking about her walking in on us, and I can concentrate more on your mouth,” I said before kissing him in my open doorway.

  “True,” he said in between kisses.

  His steps seemed hesitant as I pulled him towards my large Papasan chair in the corner of my room. Somehow, the bed seemed too dangerous, but the chair seemed safe. Safer anyway. We curled up in the chair together. As I kissed his neck and shoulders, I could feel tension moving through his body. It was strong enough that it made me stop. “Everything okay?” I ran my hand over his hair and saw his eyes dart around the room. One of my hands was on his chest and I could feel his heart rate skyrocketing.

  “What? Yeah, sure, I’m fine.” He leaned into my neck and kissed me rapidly.

  Was he still concerned about Fiona coming home? “Hold on one second,” I said while shifting out of the chair to close my bedroom door. Maybe that was it. Fiona could still see into my room with the door open, so now we were assured privacy. That would make Devin feel more comfortable. Only after shutting the door and turning back, I saw Devin now standing near the chair rubbing his palms down the front of his thighs. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I just—” his eyes darted around the room again. From one wall to another and then back to the closed door.

  “Devin?” I stepped lightly toward him.

  He moved past me and flung open the door, which caused a burst of cool air to blast against my warm skin. He moved out of my room and to the front door. “Devin?” I called after him.

  His hand was on the doorknob, and he was looking at the floor. “I’m sorry, Mallory. I totally forgot I promised my mom I’d help her with Kyle this afternoon.” His grip tightened on the doorknob.
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br />   “Oh, okay. Well, that’s okay.” I rubbed the goose bumps on my arms.

  Without looking at me, he leaned over and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry. I’ll call you later.” He twisted the doorknob and bolted over the threshold as if my apartment was pooling with lava.

  Chilled and confused, I stood there listening to his footsteps, heavy and quick, exit down the hall. I shut the front door, turned the oven on, and grabbed all the ingredients I needed to make cinnamon rolls.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “Wait. How do you feel right now?” Casper asked me just before I was about to pick up Dasher’s leash.

  “Um, okay I guess.” I knew the answer he was looking for, but I wasn’t quite feeling it.

  Casper had me come to his place a half-hour earlier than I normally did so he could work with me. He wanted me to be successful with the dogs. He knew that I wasn’t great walking them, and he felt that he knew why. As with all of his clients, Casper related dogs’ attitudes and behaviors to the person who was with the dogs. If you’re nervous, the dog is nervous. If you’re calm, the dog is calm. So I waited to pick up Dasher’s leash and wondered how I was really feeling.

  “Really?” Casper said. “You feel okay? Because your body language and the vibe I’m getting from you says otherwise.”

  It did? What vibe was I giving off? Tense? Confused? Those were just a smidge of what I was actually feeling. I was still unsure of what totally spooked Devin the other day. He texted me that night and apologized again, blaming it on forgetting that he had to help his mom with Kyle. But something still seemed off to me. There was always an underlying tension with him. He couldn’t walk the dogs either, which made me think that maybe there was something to Casper’s logic.

  “What should I do?” I asked him.

  He stood me up straight, pushed my shoulders down, told me to stick out my chest—I don’t know if that was for my benefit or his—and to close my eyes and take three deep, calming breaths.

  “Have you tried yoga like I said? Did you go to the place Zoey recommended to you?” he asked while taking deep breaths along with me.

  My eyes fluttered open. “Ah, yeah I did. It was good, thanks. I feel better now. Calmer.”

  He raised an eyebrow at me. “Now take the leash.”

  I did, and Dasher immediately went from lying passive on the floor to standing on all fours at attention. Casper let out a huffing sound.

  “Mallory, you transmit your vibe to the dog. You must be peaceful. Peaceful.” He did the breathing motion again, and I followed. “Think of something that brings you peace.”

  “I like the beach,” I said after scrolling through a list of things that I liked. Coffee, sweets, Devin, the beach. Not necessarily in that order.

  “Good.” Casper added the leashes of Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen to my hands. “Tell me what you like about the beach.”

  “Well, I like the way the sun warms my skin. I like the smell of the salt-water air coming off the ocean.”

  “Good,” Casper said as he coaxed me to walk around his apartment with the dogs. “Keep thinking that.”

  And so I did. I imagined the warmth on my face. The soft, hot sand under my feet. The crashing sound of the waves, and I did feel calmer. The dogs must have also felt calmer because they were walking perfectly beside me with no tension on the leash.

  After a few laps around Casper’s living room, he stopped and began to clap. “You see? You can do it!” He continued clapping. “You just have to be peaceful. You are young. You should find much peace in your life.” He took the dogs from me.

  The problem was that I wasn’t sure how to find much peace. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out to see a text message from Devin.

  I need to see you

  Sometimes I hated texts. Was that “I need to see you” a sexy need to see me, a desperate need to see me, an angry need to see me, or a happy need to see me? Ugh! Of course, my brain went to the worst one: an angry need to see me. Was this it? Was it all over? Had I pushed him away or something the other night?

  “Here, take Vixen for a moment,” Casper said while putting the leash in my hand. Immediately, the dog stood at attention and growled. “Mallory, what have I been telling you? Peaceful, my girl, peaceful!”

  At least I’d had a taste of being peaceful. Vixen nipped at the air, and I began to focus again on breathing slowly.

  ***

  When I walked into Perked, I saw Devin wave to me from my booth. There were two coffees already on the table, so I assumed one was for me. As I approached, he got up from the seat and kissed me on the cheek. Then as I slid into the booth, he slid in beside me. Not across from me, but beside me. His thigh touched against mine, and I could feel the heat coming off of his body.

  “How are you?” he asked before taking a small sip of his drink. His knee was bobbing up and down under the table, causing the zippers on the pockets of his cargo shorts to jingle. “I got you a French vanilla coffee. But I wasn’t sure how you take it.” He pointed to the packets of sugar, sugar substitutes, and tiny cream containers that were on the table.

  “Thanks.” I watched him take a deep, steady breath as I put one sugar substitute in the coffee. “I’m okay. How are you?” The coffee burnt the tip of my tongue as I took a sip.

  He stared at the table while nodding his head. “I’m good.” Nod, nod, nod. Then in one quick motion, he turned to me and clasped my hands in his. “I’m so sorry for bailing last night.” He paused for a beat and held my gaze with his emerald green eyes that held secrets I wasn’t privy to yet. “Things have been…tough since I’ve been back. I mean it’s only been a few months, and here I am, back and figuring out how to help my mom with Kyle and working and acclimating to the life of a civilian or whatever, and then I meet you and you’re fucking amazing.” He stopped and looked down at the table for a moment. “Sorry, but you know what I mean. You’re amazing, literally. You’re the one person I stop and think about, and a smile comes to my face. I feel…I want to feel totally comfortable around you.”

  “Wait, you don’t feel comfortable around me?” The tension that was in Devin’s body crossed into mine, and I suddenly got a sense of what the dogs must feel whenever I touch their leashes.

  “No, no, I do.” He moved even closer to me. “I do.” His hand stroked my hair. “I’m fine, really. Everything’s fine.” His eyes skimmed my entire face, my eyes, my nose, my lips, my chin, and back to my eyes. “I do.” His voice was soft like cashmere as he closed the last bit of space between us so he could kiss me. And in that moment, with his mouth draped over mine, I tried as hard as I could to push the fact that his shoulders still felt tense out of my mind.

  ***

  “Hello, sunshine!” Fiona said as I entered the apartment.

  After spending the afternoon with Devin, I expected to come home to an empty apartment since I thought Fiona was working the dinner shift. But there she was in our tiny kitchen stirring something in a large saucepan. The counters were covered with various food items: peppers, lettuce, eggplant, spices, knives, and various cutting boards.

  “Hey. So what’s going on here?” I tossed my purse on a barstool and strode up next to her. The familiar scent of tomato sauce wafted out of the large saucepan.

  She tore up pieces of fresh basil. “I’m making us dinner.” She tossed the coarsely shredded basil into the pot with a flourish and then reached for the pepper mill.

  Fiona didn’t cook. Ever. I was the one who cooked. Granted, I much preferred to make desserts, but I could also whip up a meal on a moment’s notice. One of the takeaways of being from a divorced home—none of my step-mothers were known for their cooking—is learning how to cook early on so my father and I didn’t starve or live off of take out and mac and cheese from the blue box. “Fiona, you don’t cook.” I took over stirring the sauce while she attempted to seed a tomato.

  “Whatever,” she quipped. “I’ve been watching videos online all afternoon. It’s really not that hard. I d
on’t know why I never tried before.” The knife was coming dangerously close to her fingertips, and she moved from the tomato to a green pepper.

  “Curl your fingers under,” I said while continuing to watch the blade.

  She ignored me as she was clearly in her own little world. “You just chop things and plop ‘em together, and you have a meal. I’m sorry I never helped out with the cooking before.”

  I moved and took the knife from her hand before we had to make a trip to the emergency room. “It’s okay. But why the sudden urge now? Tonight?”

  Fiona grew silent as she moved beside me, her face in careful thought, while she slowly moved a block of cheese up and down the grater. As if she needed the time to pick her words carefully. Allowing her the time, I diced up a selection of peppers—green, red and yellow—before I plopped them into the sauce.

  “It’s just that I wanted to make dinner for you tonight. And I wanted us to eat it together. Normal.” Fiona knew that eating wasn’t a normal thing for me, and I could feel her treading lightly like a cat on a tightrope. “And I guess after all this time, I want to say I’m sorry. Sorry for not being there for you when you and Haley were…you know, going through everything.” She sniffled and tried to blink back tears.

  I shook my head. “No. I pushed you away. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

  “I should have made you talk to me.” She banged a spoon down on the counter.

  There was no part of me that blamed Fiona. Even when she tried to step in, I cut her out hard.

  ***

  Haley and I had just come back from a binge. We’d hit every drive-thru and fast-food place we could find within a five-mile radius. She was amped up over a fight she had with her mom, and I’d just had a huge fight with the guy I’d been dating. It came to my attention that I wasn’t the only girl my boyfriend Drew enjoyed screwing from behind. So when Haley called me all upset, I knew we were on the same wavelength.