A Class Apart

by Susan Lewis

  “More coffee?”

  She nodded, and handed him her empty cup.

  “Are you going in today?” he called out from the kitchen.

  “Yes, I’ll have to. I’ve got a lot to do.”

  “Can’t you ring in sick? You look awful, you know.”

  “No, I’m just tired. I’ll get an early night tonight.”

  When he came back with the coffee he sat down on the settee opposite her. He was still watching her, and she wished he wouldn’t. She guessed he was probably concerned, but she didn’t want his concern. The truth was, she didn’t want him at all.

  “There’s something else bothering you, Jenn, isn’t there?” he said. “I mean besides the commentary.”

  She didn’t meet his eyes.

  “What is it?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. “There’s nothing.”

  “It might help if you talked about it.”

  “I told you, Matthew, there’s nothing.” She hadn’t meant to sound irritable.

  He shrugged. “OK, have it your way.”

  They sat in silence, drinking their coffee. She tried not to look at him. Now probably wasn’t the time to tell him, but she knew she couldn’t put it off much longer. She couldn’t carry on living this lie. There were too many lies in her life already.

  “Think I’ll go and have a shower,” she said eventually, and stood up.

  “Jenn, don’t.”

  She looked at him, and from the way he was looking back at her she knew that he wanted some answers. “Not now, Matthew,” she said. “Please.”

  “Then when? We have to talk, you know we do. There is something wrong, and I need to know what it is. I need to know if it’s me, or if it’s something else.”

  “We’ll talk later.”

  “No!” he shouted. “That’s what you always say, but we never do. I’ve been trying to get through to you for weeks, but you just keep walking away. I want to talk now!”

  She ran her fingers through her hair and heaved a long and tired sigh.

  “What can I do, Jenneen? Just tell me, what do I have to do to get through to you?”

  She sat down again, and covered her face with her hands.

  “Look,” his voice was almost pleading, “you know how I feel about you, but I can’t go on like this. I want to be part of your life, I want to share things with you, so why won’t you let me?”

  “Do you, Matthew? Do you really want to share things with me?” she said, her hands still over her face.

  “Jenneen,” he said.

  “Matthew.” She uncovered her face and looked up. “There’s no point pretending any more, is there? There’s no future for us, you know it, and I know it. So let’s end this pretence now.”

  “But why?”

  “I don’t love you, Matthew. I can’t love you. I have tried, God knows I have tried. But I can’t.”

  “But you’ve hardly given us any time.”

  “I don’t need time to know. It can’t work, it won’t work.”

  “It can if we make it.”

  “It can’t, Matthew. And if you were being honest with yourself, you know it too.”

  “Have you met someone else?”

  “No.”

  “Then I don’t understand.”

  “There’s nothing to understand. It’s simple, I don’t love you, and I can’t carry on like this.”

  “But I love you,” he said.

  “No, you don’t. I know you say you do, but it’s not true. These past weeks between us have been a lie.”

  He looked away, letting her words hang in the air. “Are you saying that you want me to go?” he said, finally. She didn’t miss the slight tremor in his voice.

  “Yes.”

  His feelings were forming in a clump at the base of his throat. “When?” he finally managed to ask.

  “As soon as you can.”

  “Just like that?”

  She shrugged. “I suppose so, yes.”

  “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

  “You can always stay with friends.”

  He watched her face as she spoke, and his lip began to curl. “You really don’t give a damn about me, do you?”

  “You know that’s not true,” but she couldn’t meet his eyes.

  “No, I don’t. For once you have someone who cares about you, someone to love you, who wants to be with you, and all you want to do is throw it all away. That’s not caring, Jenneen.”

  “All right then, I don’t care.”

  She saw the flush spread across his cheeks as he got to his feet. “As far as you’re concerned there was never anything there in the first place, was there? You’ve used me, like you’ve used everyone else in your life. You don’t care about anyone, except yourself, do you? And now I’ve served a purpose, whatever that purpose was, you’re going to toss me to one side, just like you do with everything else. I feel, sorry for you, Jenneen, you’re a coward and you’re a bitch. A cold, unfeeling bitch. You’ll never have anything good in your life. Never!”

  She was staring into her lap. She didn’t want to see the anger in his face. She didn’t want to listen to him. Everything he was saying was the truth, she was a coward, and she didn’t care – at least not about him – and she never would.

  “You’re sick, you know that, don’t you? You’re sick in the head.” He saw the alarm in her eyes as she looked up at him and he laughed. She was remembering the comment he had made the night before about her having a Doppelgänger. “Yes,” he said, “yes, you do know it. And you don’t even care about that, do you?”

  “Matthew, please,” she said. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, don’t I? Don’t think I don’t know about you, Jenneen. I know everything there is to know about you. I know just how sick you really are.”

  She was shaking, and felt as though she was going to throw up. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her throat was dry and her voice came in a whisper.

  “I know what I’m talking about all right,” he sneered. “I know what you get up to. I’ve known all along. And that’s why you flinched when I said you were sick, wasn’t it? Because you know it too. You’re sick and disgusting, and God help me, I’m in love with you.”

  “Shut up, Matthew. Just shut up!”

  “Can’t face the truth, Jenneen? Well, it’s about time you did. You need treatment. You need a psychiatrist. You’re not normal. People don’t go around behaving like you.”

  “I said shut up! Shut up! Just go! Get out of my life, I don’t want you here any more. Do you hear me? I don’t want you here!”

  “Oh yes, I hear you all right. The almighty Jenneen Grey has spoken. Or should I say Mrs Green?”

  Jenneen’s face turned white. How long had he known? How long had he been storing this up, just waiting for an opportunity to throw it in her face?

  Under his cold, mocking eyes she felt herself begin to crumple inside, and she slumped forward. “I might have known,” she said in a quiet voice. “You haven’t changed one bit really, have you, Matthew? It’s all been an act. And now we’re beginning to see the real Matthew again. Well, you might be right about one thing, I might have a problem, but before you start casting stones at me, why don’t you try and get your own life sorted out.”

  “Fine words, from a pervert. Tell me, it was you Kate saw in the casino, wasn’t it? No, don’t bother to deny it, I saw your face. So where’s the wig now, Jenneen? Where do you keep it? When are you planning your next excursion into the world of filth and degradation? The world where you belong. Or have you turned to women again? Who’s going to be next, Mrs Green? Is it Ashley? Kate? Ellamarie? Who’s next?”

  Every fibre of her soul cried out in protest at what he was saying, and she began to shake violently.

  “Well, Mrs Green,” he jeered. “Who next? Kate is very attractive, isn’t she? Oh, not Kate? Not your type, is that it?”

  “You bastard!” she c
ried. “You filthy, disgusting bastard. Get out of here, and take your filthy mind with you.”

  “Filthy mind? Oh come on, Jenneen, don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it. I’ve seen the way you look at her. She’s beautiful, isn’t she? And Ashley, perhaps she’s more your type. So tall, with those sexy black eyes of hers, and those full lips. I’ll bet you dream about running your fingers through that shining black hair. I wonder what she’s like in bed, Jenneen. But then, I expect that’s something you already know, in that warped, fantasy mind of yours?”

  “You bastard! How could I ever have been taken in by you? It’s you who’s warped, Matthew. You! You’re no good, you’re a loser, and you’ll never be anything else.”

  “That’s rich, coming from a nymphomaniac, and a lesbian nymphomaniac at that. At least my sexual tastes are normal.”

  “Normal! Normal! You’re so fucking sexless . . .”

  “Compared with what you’re used to, I’m not surprised you think that. But I didn’t hear you complaining last night. I’ll sink to any depths for you, Jenneen, hadn’t you noticed? But of course, I’m lacking the vital organs, aren’t I? I don’t have tits. Or a nice soft . . .”

  “You’re disgusting. Get out of here! I never want to see you again. Not ever!”

  “Don’t worry, I’m going. But I’m warning you now, Jenneen, you’ll never find anyone else. I love you, you bitch, knowing everything I do about you, I still fucking well love you. And you want me too, because I’m all you’re ever going to get. It’s not often in my life that I give as much to someone as I have given to you, Jenneen Grey, and you’ve turned on me again, just like you did the last time. Well, you’ll pay for this, mark my words, you’re going to . . . ”

  “Forget it! You’ll never get anything from me. And don’t think you can blackmail me, because I’m through with it, Matthew. And you don’t even have the guts to . . .”

  “Just try me, Jenneen, just try me. No one throws me out, especially not the likes of you, you whore! But I’ve got so much on you now you’re going to be paying for the rest of your life. And I’m telling you, if I can’t have you, then I’m going to make damned fucking sure that no other bastard ever does.”

  Suddenly she found herself picking up the cup that she had put on the table, and with all her might she flung it at him. “Get out!” she screamed. He ducked and the cup broke against the wall behind him. She stooped to pick up another, but he grabbed her hand and shoved her back onto the settee.

  “Don’t ever try that again,” he yelled into her face, showering her with saliva.

  “Let go of me! Let go!”

  “Look at you,” he spat, “you’re ridiculous. Ridiculous and sick!” and he flung her hands to one side and drawing back his fist he brought it down hard against her jaw. “I’ll leave you with that, and let it be a lesson to you. No one, do you hear me, no one throws me out on the streets, least of all you! I’ll be back,” and he stormed out of the room.

  As he walked into the hall he almost fell over Maggie who was lurking behind the door. He glared at her a moment, then suddenly he began to laugh. There was no doubt from the look on Maggie’s face that she had heard everything.

  “Where are you going to go?” she said to him.

  He shrugged.

  “Take her with you,” Jenneen yelled. She was standing in the doorway, a thin line of blood trickling over her chin. “I don’t want her here.”

  Matthew looked at Maggie’s pale and frightened face. It had already occurred to him that as she now knew about Jenneen he had to take her with him.

  “Well, what are you waiting for?” Jenneen said. “Get out! Go on, both of you, get out!”

  Maggie looked at her, afraid and not knowing which way to turn.

  “Come on, kid,” said Matthew, putting his arm round Maggie’s shoulder. “Get your things. I wouldn’t leave you here with her, you might not be safe.”

  Maggie looked at Jenneen. “Just wait until I tell everyone at home about you,” she said slowly, “there’ll be no more of your airs and graces then, Mrs Green!”

  Jenneen closed her eyes and fell to her knees. Dry, choking sobs convulsed her body, and the excruciating grip of fear seized her brain as Maggie’s words hit home. It was inevitable, she had always known it would come, always known that Mrs Green would win. And now, for Mrs Green, victory was at hand. For Jenneen Grey this must be the beginning of the end.

  FIFTEEN

  Kate was singing to herself in the kitchen as she spooned coffee into a jug. She was unaware of the way that her eyes were shining, but it wouldn’t have surprised her to have known. It was the first time in weeks that she had felt happy.

  She had just returned from a marvellous evening with Nicholas Gough – the third in less than two weeks – and she couldn’t remember enjoying herself so much in ages. They had been for an after-theatre dinner with Ellamarie and Bob, who were so terribly in love these days that they had left early. Nick and Kate had laughed at them, and Kate hadn’t missed the look in Nick’s eyes as he had turned back to her, but he had only suggested, in a friendly way, that it might be time that they were leaving too.

  He was standing at her desk when she took the tray in, and she was relieved that she had nothing in her typewriter. It wouldn’t have mattered if it had been a page from an article she was writing, but she didn’t want him to see her book – what little there was of it. After all, he was a Shakespearean actor.

  “Coffee’s up,” she said, putting the tray on the table. “No cream, I’m afraid. Mrs Adams, my nosy neighbour, came down earlier and wolfed the lot.”

  Nick smiled and waited for her to pour. “You know, you’ve talked about practically everything else this evening,” he said, settling himself down on the settee and stretching out his long legs, longer and perhaps more muscular than Joel’s, she noted, “but you haven’t mentioned a thing about your book.”

  “Ah, I was afraid you were going to say that.” He waited for her to go on. “The truth is, I haven’t talked about it because there’s nothing much to tell.”

  “I see. Are you sure you’re not just being modest?”

  “No,” she said. “Honestly, there’s really nothing to tell. I’ve hardly written a thing.”

  “But Ellamarie seems to think that it’s coming along in leaps and bounds.”

  “Because that’s what I’ve told her.”

  “And it’s not?”

  She shook her head.

  “What’s the problem? Time, I suppose.”

  She sighed. “No, I don’t think it’s anything to do with time, at least not where I’m concerned. I’ve been afraid to admit it even to myself, but the real truth is, I just simply don’t think I can do it.”

  “I find that difficult to believe. How long have you been trying?”

  “Oh ages! Four months, maybe longer.”

  He laughed and nodded. “Ages!”

  She smiled, and a faint colour spread across her cheeks. “I think it is.”

  “Just because some people chum out books in a matter of weeks, doesn’t mean everyone has to.”

  “I know that. It’s just, well, I imagined, you know, as a journalist and with writing being my trade, as it were, that I would be able to do it, that it would be, well, rather easy really. But it’s not.”

  “Will you keep trying?”

  “Yes, I suppose so. I don’t know. Oh, I have to really. My father will be so terribly disappointed if I don’t. He’s really excited about it. He hardly talks to me about anything else these days.”

  “Have you told him that you’re having problems?”

  “Oh God no. He thinks the same as everyone else, that it’s coming along simply wonderfully. He’d be really upset if he knew. So you see I have to persevere.”

  “What does Joel say about it? He is your agent, isn’t he?”

  She shook her head. “No. Joel has made it perfectly dear that he doesn’t want to know, at least not until I’ve finished it. Besides, I
haven’t seen him since Jenneen gave the dinner party I was telling you about. Anyway,” she forced a smile and tried to put a lightness into her voice that she was far from feeling, “not to worry, I’m sure everything will sort itself out.”

  He could see that she was upset. “Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean to pry.”

  She reached out to pick up her coffee. Nick was watching her and she couldn’t help but wish that Joel would sometimes look at her in that way. “Perhaps it will do me some good to admit the truth, for once,” she said.

  “Have you tried ringing him?”

  “Yes. But either I don’t get a reply, or I’m told that he’s in a meeting. It’s all pretty humiliating really.”

  “Is that why you rang me? No Joel?”

  “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. But I’m glad that I did.”

  “Me too.”

  She smiled.

  “Sunday,” he said. “I’ve got the whole day off, perhaps we could go somewhere together. Take a trip out to the countryside, or something.” She looked hesitant. “You can’t wait around for him for ever, Kate.”

  “I know.” She looked away, embarrassed that he had seen through her so easily.

  “Anyway, time I was going. Mr McElfrey doesn’t approve of us actors having late nights. And we’re doing a read for the Queen of Cornwall tomorrow.”

  “Is he such a tyrant?”

  Nick laughed. “Sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, I suppose. He sets standards for himself, and expects them to be taken up by those around him.” He stood up and put his cup back on the tray. “If you change your mind about Sunday, then the offer still stands.”

  When he had gone she regretted not saying she would go, but if Joel did ring, well, she just had to be free.

  She went into the bedroom and dosed the curtains before she turned on the light. This was becoming a habit now, for two reasons. One so that she could see out easier, in the hope that she would see Joel pulling up outside in his Range-Rover, and the other so that no one could see in.

  The mysterious phone calls were becoming more frequent lately, and once or twice she had thought that she had recognized the voice, but she couldn’t place it. But who did she know who would do something like that? The calls weren’t threatening in any way, in fact quite the reverse. They were hurried and brief, and she could tell that the caller was holding something over the mouthpiece in an effort to disguise his voice. She had thought for one mad moment that it was Joel. But that just wasn’t his style.