by J C Hartung
Raina could only listen and on occasion agree subtly with the rules that had been set and ooh or ahh at the ups and downs of teen love, which Rae found humorously parallel to her own.
It wasn’t until the evening, when she had a chance to sit down with an adult for any sort of adult conversation at all, and when she did the conversation took a turn before she had a chance to prepare anyone.
“Well, as much as I hate to admit it, watching Shanna negotiate her way into earning more time with this boy is thoroughly entertaining. It is brutal on the heart, no question, but she’s proven to be responsible, respectful and brought us a few laughs,” Pete boasted, clutching at his heart.
Marie laughed and rose from her seat at the table, and as an afterthought, she leaned over to lay a kiss on Pete’s face.
“Mama,” Ollie asked, rubbing his little hands on her face.
“Yes, Sir Ollie,” she answered, snuggling him closer and pushing her nose into his hair.
“Do grown-ups only kiss when they love each other?”
She tried to smile easily at him but something inside her rose to her throat, choking off anything that should have appeared easy.
“That’s one reason,” Pete offered sarcastically, knowing his daughter’s lips tangling with this Drew kid’s likely had little to do with love.
Oliver looked curiously from Pete to Raina. “Is that why you kissed Linc this morning?”
She felt the room freeze and spin in front of her eyes, knowing every set of eyes in the room were trained on her. She could feel the color rise to her cheeks. She knew they’d all heard; Sue and Allen who sat across from her on the opposite sofa, Dave and Trish across the room next to Pete at the table, and Marie who hadn’t quite made it to the kitchen, before Oliver dropped the bomb.
What could she say? Hey everyone, I’ve moved on. Hooray for me, I’ve fallen in love with a man…who isn’t your son. How was she to handle this? She hadn’t worked it all out herself. Well, at least not the words she had to say to ease them into what was going on in her life.
Shanna walked in then. “What’s going on?” she asked, obviously sensing there was something strangely amiss with the situation.
She would forever be grateful to Marie for how the next few moments were handled. She spoke a few low words to Shanna, who took Oliver by the hand and led him to the basement where she kept the smaller children occupied until they were called up. Marie also ushered Sue and Allen to join them at the table where they all waited patiently for whatever Raina had to share.
She focused on the words she was speaking. She knew if she let herself feel all the emotions that were churning inside of her, she wouldn’t make it through. She had to make it through; she owed it to them. More than that, if she was going to honor Mark in any way, she had to be honest with herself and everyone he loved. She also knew that if she had any sort of hope for a future with Linc, she had to cultivate respect for this new love, and hope that it would be looked upon with blessing.
She began by reminding them that they had all met Linc back in the summer, but reassured them that nothing was going on at that point, or at least nothing that needed explaining. It was hard to know how much she needed to share, and in the end she decided that the most important points were that he treated her and Oliver both with the most respect and love imaginable. She finished by explaining that she and Oliver had spent the previous evening with Linc’s family at his mother’s home.
She’d made it through, she thought, and as she released a breath, along with it drained the remaining energy from her body. She felt the trembling in her body slowly subside, and when she thought she’d regained some piece of control, the first and most surprising voice spoke up.
“Do you love him?” she asked. Raina’s eyes didn’t need to look up to see the emotion behind the voice, she could hear it. However, she knew that if there was ever a moment to face head on, it was this one. She brought her eyes up slowly to meet Sue’s. They were dark and threatening to spill over with the tears that were held back by astounding strength.
When Raina didn’t answer but only stared into those dark eyes, Sue reached across the table and squeezed Raina’s hand.
“Raina, dear. Do you love him?”
Silent tears slid first from Raina’s eyes. When Sue saw the unfiltered emotions on Raina’s face her strength was lost, and her own tears followed.
She could only nod at her mother-in-law and utter the faintest whisper. “I do.”
Allen’s hands joined with the two women and Sue acknowledged briefly that they were united in what she was about to say.
“You will always be our daughter, Rae. We won’t ever stop loving you, and if you can accept that, you can accept that we need to meet him, because we are all a part of your life.”
Raina’s eyes whirled around the table as she blinked the tears free. All eyes continued to watch her cautiously. All eyes had depths of emotion she could never describe, and each face held a smile that offered acceptance and so much love.
The love broke her. Whatever she had thought might happen it wasn’t this. It was never this open and willing acceptance and outpouring of love. She laid her head in Sue’s arms and she wept, even while she allowed their collective support begin to heal the empty spaces in her heart.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Linc had taken everything in stride. Although he always seemed to be a few steps ahead of her, she was getting used to it, and in some cases she was anticipating it. However, when she told him the Sawyers wanted him to join them for dinner sometime soon, his grin had spread and he’d said that he’d love to do that with her. That had taken her by surprise, maybe because it had shocked her so deeply, but also because she knew she’d underestimated everyone in the situation.
They made plans for the big event around Linc’s next scheduled delivery and an early Christmas party he had to attend for one of the shops that carried his work.
The party was the best he’d ever remembered attending. He especially enjoyed how Raina could pick out his pieces from the showroom full of other work. She paid more attention to what he did than he had given her credit for. He also enjoyed the easy way she struck up conversations and made the evening so much more enjoyable for him than it would have been had he gone alone.
She’d felt awkward at first leaving Oliver with Diane. She’d already had plans with two of her own grandchildren, and because of that, she insisted that the addition of Oliver would essentially make the whole evening easier on her because all the kids were excited to see him again. But it was still an imposition she wasn’t altogether comfortable with. However, when she called Diane after the party, she was relieved when Diane confirmed the fact that it had been easier having Oliver there.
Linc didn’t need to say I told you so, but she caught the quirk of his mouth as he tipped his head to the floor. It was, after all, what he told her his mother would say, and knowing she would, he drove them away from the house and towards a dessert café in a trendy neighborhood.
“You don’t get a chance to go out very often, so take advantage of it. Throw caution to the wind and enjoy.” He understood why it was hard or weird or awkward for her to leave Oliver with his mom, but he wanted to help her see it was fine; that she could allow herself the luxury now and again.
The night was brutally cold for November and her legs were bare except for a thin layer of stockings that perfectly flaunted the glittering skirt that covered a small amount of her legs. He appreciated the look but could only imagine how chilled she must be, so he pulled her closer to him as they walked to the warmly lit café. They unbundled and found two empty seats around the bar.
“Does it bother you that we don’t go out often?” she asked. For the first time she wondered if her circumstances really were hindering the social life he claimed he didn’t care about.
He laughed at her and took his fork full of maple pear tart and stuffed it in her mouth. “I go out all the time, so no. I guess I’m pretty lucky I ju
st have to show up wherever you are and insanely delicious food ends up in front of me,” he teased. “I’ll tell you a secret,” he whispered, pulling her close. “The tarts you made a few weeks ago were way better than this. So, why do you think I need to go out?”
She tried not to laugh, but after tasting the tart, she knew it was not a lie. She also fully believed that he didn’t care; she felt the same.
He watched her head fall back as she laughed and he moved closer so that when she came back her mouth met his. When he drew slowly away from her, he shared another secret. “Raina, I’d rather be everywhere you are, than anywhere else.”
“Me too,” she murmured against his lips.
He didn’t keep her out late for two reasons. The first, he knew she would call his mother again if they did, and second, she was nervous about the next day’s affair; their lunch with the Sawyers. Dave and Trish had offered their home for the occasion. That way they could have some food, play some games and let the herd of children run around freely. He was more nervous than he would have thought he could be, but she didn’t need to know that, it would only stir her up more.
Since she’d shared the extent of their relationship with them, she’d been so much more open with him about them. It was as if she suddenly had opened the door on her life and wanted him to be a part of that too. He knew bits about all of them now, and more about what her life had been like with Mark. Knowing all these things about her only made his feelings for her intensify. Everything about her had much greater depths than he ever realized, and it astounded him, and humbled him that she had complete trust in him.
The house was peacefully quiet and the morning was still dark. He was awake, so he quietly made his way to the kitchen, stopping briefly to peek in on the three sleeping creatures spread out on the basement floor.
He started the coffee and gave a fleeting thought to throwing together the pancake mix, but then decided half the fun was watching them beg for the post-sleepover treat, so he put that off. He turned when the coffee signaled its final drip, and as he poured, Raina appeared behind him. She slipped her arms around him and laid her head on his back. He spun slowly, making sure not to break the hold she had around him.
“Mmm, hello. I like you in the morning.”
“I like you in the morning, too!” She laughed quietly, and took the mug he held out for her.
“So, are you ready for today?” he asked.
“I think so.”
She appeared relaxed enough, but it was still early. There was still plenty of time before they had to load up and head over. Enough time for the nerves to creep up on both of them.
“I’m going to start getting ready.”
He glanced over at the clock. “You know it’s not quite 7:00, right?”
She laughed again and leaned into his scratchy face. “I’m aware, but I want to be ready before the kids get up and turn the morning into a circus.”
His smile came easy, it made sense. It also made sense to take advantage of the time he had with her. He pulled her into his lap and claimed a few minutes of her time for himself.
By the time she emerged from the bathroom he had two boys and a girl pleading with him to make pancakes. She sat down next to a rested looking Diane and watched how Linc masterfully handled their pleas.
The women were laughing when he finally gave in and agreed to make the pancakes. The kids scattered when he commanded it, and their giggles could be heard as they stampeded down the stairs to resume their game. Diane disappeared shortly after the children and Raina drifted over to the window where the day was rising into light, while Linc began collecting everything he would need for the feast.
Arms crossed at her chest, she stared, frozen. The night and its bone-chilling cold had left another present behind. Snow; with its magical transforming power, had left a blanketed covering that draped everything in its glittering flakes. The sun was hidden and large fluffy flakes continued to fall dramatically at an angle that stole any peace the white sheeting could offer.
He noticed the way she stood at the window. It was unlike her to be stationary for so long. It was more than just stationary though; the word that came to mind was, still. He didn’t like the way it made him feel. Her shoulders were set and her hands looked to be gripping her arms so tight that her fingers were nearly white. She’d lost the subtle bloom of color her cheeks usually held as well.
He had everything he needed to start breakfast, but he crossed to the fridge-freezer to check one thing, and to get a better look at her face. She looked very, very, far away. Her eyes stared out, but looked hollow. She looked cold, and he admitted, the worst part, alone.
He closed the freezer door having confirmed there was no ice cream for the pancakes. He could zip out to the corner store and be back before anyone knew he was gone. He turned the griddle off, ran downstairs to grab his wallet and was back up the stairs and moving to pick up his coat when he noticed Oliver standing in the kitchen, looking in Raina’s direction. The boy was standing much like his mother was; only Oliver was watching Raina. He looked between the two and knew something was definitely wrong.
He knelt down in front of Oliver. “What’s up, Buddy?”
He saw immediately that Oliver’s eyes knew something was wrong. Linc grabbed hold of his small hand. The boy looked at him and Linc saw sadness, and it stabbed away at his heart.
“What is it, Ollie? What’s wrong?”
Oliver’s eyes darted back to Raina, and then he whispered. “Mama doesn’t like the snow. She won’t go out if it’s snowing.”
Linc turned back to Raina. It all made sense, and he thought immediately that he should have seen it right away, but it hadn’t occurred to him at all.
He turned back to Oliver. “Oh, Buddy, don’t worry. We’ve got big plans for today.” He saw a bit of the sadness fade from the boy’s dark eyes. “I’m going to run out and grab some ice cream and we’ll talk about it while we eat pancakes, okay!”
Oliver perked up even more at the mention of ice cream and pancakes. “Why don’t you go play, I’ll call you when they’re ready.”
He suddenly felt like nothing he would say could ever make this situation acceptable, and he couldn’t change the truth that Oliver already knew, and the powerlessness of that broke his heart. Impulsively, he pulled Oliver into his arms and held him tight. Emotions overwhelmed him when Oliver squeezed him tight in response and whispered in his ear. “I love you, Linc.”
He put Oliver back on his feet, pushed his hand into the boy’s hair, and intentionally looked into his eyes. “I love you too, Oliver. Now, off you go, it’ll be ok.”
He remained where he was, squatted on the kitchen floor until he heard Ollie’s voice downstairs with the other kids. Then he turned his attention back to Raina, who was unmoved by the window.
She heard the exchange between Oliver and Linc and it upset her that she couldn’t hear the words of love they shared and rejoice in them. All she heard was that her baby knew she was unraveling and it weighed heavy on her heart that he could see how she was so suddenly struggling. She hadn’t seen it coming. Not her reaction, not that Oliver was aware of what bothered her, and definitely not the snow. It was early in the season, and she had been so preoccupied she hadn’t even thought to check the weather. Yet there it was, a fluffy, slick, threatening blanket of uncertainty. Normal people looked out their windows and saw an opportunity for sledding, snowmen and skiing. On this day, she saw a black reality that whispered fear into her bones. She could feel the strain it took for her body to breathe evenly; she could feel the tremor in her muscles. She knew what she needed to do was close her eyes, breathe, and try to calm down, but it was always easier said than done.
When he laid his hands on her shoulders she jumped. He knew it would only take a few minutes to get to the store and back, but he wondered if leaving her alone for a while wasn’t the right thing to do.
He pressed his lips into the hair on top of her head. “I’m going to run out to th
e store, real quick, alright.”
He released her and was reaching for his coat when he heard her quiet voice.
“Linc.”
“Yeah.”
“No,” she pleaded. “You can’t go out.”
He heard it then; the instability in her voice. By the time he turned the tears were pouring from her eyes, and she was shaking uncontrollably and gasping for air. If that combination of unexpected sights hadn’t been enough to make him go to her, the look in her eyes sent him over the edge.
He reached for her and she fell on him. She wrapped herself around him and her throat let out something of a strained wail. She clung so tightly her arms were physically hurting his throat. He picked her up the way you would a child and her legs clamped around him, causing him to stumble and knock her cup of coffee off the table. Her choking strength was so intense he lost his balance and had to sink to the floor.
Diane came around the corner in search of what all the commotion was about. She saw the two on the floor in the corner and knew instantly it wasn’t good. Linc looked completely lost, and when he heard the kid’s feet on the stairs, his eyes widened and he shook his head at her, hoping she would keep them away.
She turned quickly and sent them back down, then came to kneel next to a desperate looking Linc, and Raina who was gasping for air while trying to keep her hand over her mouth, perhaps trying to muffle her own cries.
“Can you get her to her room?” she suggested, while keeping her eye on the stairs. This was not something the children needed to see, and it pained her to think that Oliver had experienced it before.
Linc’s eyes looked to be begging her to help. He nodded and the next words were strictly for Raina’s benefit. If she heard no one was going out in the snow, he hoped it would help. “They don’t need ice cream, alright? Can you keep Oliver busy?”
She laid a gentle hand on her son’s face, loving him all the more because his first concern was protecting Oliver, knowing she’d done something right in raising him.