I Picked You

by J C Hartung

  “Of course; no ice cream, don’t worry about Oliver, you focus on Rae.”

  He braced her with his arms and rose to carry her to her bedroom. As he walked down the hall, he heard his mom turn on some music, a small offering that could help drown out Raina’s pain until he figured out how to help her through it.

  He tore the tangled blankets from the bed and threw them on top of the pillows. Then he sunk in with her. Her grip hadn’t loosened but she’d shifted enough after they’d hit the ground so that she wasn’t choking him anymore.

  He didn’t know if she could hear him, but he poured everything he could into words that were intended to sooth. He kept his volume low, and he knew even if she was louder than he was, she would hear his voice because his mouth was next her ear. He told her stories, made up and real. He sang parts of songs, he spoke words of love, and he touched on his hopes for the future.

  He didn’t have the presence of mind to check the clock, but every moment that passed felt like a lifetime. He’d never experienced the raw and tortured taste of someone else’s pain before. He understood now too, what she’d said about being angry at the fear. He was angry himself; angry that she had to ever experience something so invasive.

  He could hear the clatter of dishes and the chorus of giggles that came from the kitchen. They had obviously been locked away long enough for Diane to have taken care of breakfast, and only when the party once again took itself to the basement, he felt a shift in Raina.

  She was still locked around him, but the intensity that poured from her at the start was gone. Her frame had looseness to it and whatever had wracked her body had dulled into stuttering sobs. He was hot and they were both slicked with sweat, so when he felt her skin turn to ice beneath his hands, the concern rose for a second time. He couldn’t imagine her body enduring another wave of that intensity, and because he was braced now for the worst to return, his arms tightened around her, even as hers released him.

  She was still so utterly pale, she almost looked waxen. His hand touched her cheek and wiped away a trail of sweat that had beaded at her temple.

  She wouldn’t look at him, and he felt another quick stab in his gut. That at least was something he could help her with, he thought, taking her face in his hands. He could feel her body was still trembling, but he tilted her face so that she couldn’t avoid bringing her eyes up with it. Their eyes searched each other’s, but for what he couldn’t know. He didn’t know what any of this meant to her. He could only show her what she meant to him.

  “I love you, Raina. I’m not going anywhere.”

  New tears began, so he pulled her back to him and felt again how cold she was.

  He pulled the blanket from under them and wrapped her in it. Then he laid her down and curled up behind her in hopes that the shaking would soon stop.

  After not to long she reached out and threaded her fingers with his and pulled their joined hands next to her heart. He could feel the gentle rhythm of its beat that had almost returned to normal, even if the shaking hadn’t altogether subsided.

  “I’m so sorry, Linc,” she whispered.

  He kissed her head and smoothed her hair behind her ear. “No, I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention, I knew something wasn’t right.”

  “How could you know?” she hiccup whispered.

  “You told me how it could creep up, remember, the first night we spent here. I should have seen it by the way you were staring out the window. Even Oliver knew.”

  Understanding the last bit was another hard part that was difficult to swallow. Oliver knew it was coming, and he tried to warn him, but he didn’t hear it, or understand the weight of what she was battling staring out that window.

  Squeezing his hand with her meager strength, she kissed his hand before opening his palm and tucking it close to the side of her face. “Thank you. For the way you protected him. You really do love him, don’t you?”

  He felt his heart drum harder in his chest. “Yes, I do.”

  They were quiet again for a long while. The shakes were almost completely gone when she felt the ability to speak reasonably.

  “This doesn’t happen that often. I usually pay better attention. I know what to avoid, but I didn’t think about it this weekend.”

  “You don’t have to explain. I get it.”

  “No. Please, listen, I’m too tired to argue with you just now.”

  He tried to be still and patient, but she had taken him with her through this ordeal and he felt his patience running a very fine line of control. She turned beneath the mountain of blankets that had her cocooned. Her eyes met his, and he saw a pleading in them. He forced a smile and kissed her forehead gently.

  “I was working through it, unsuccessfully, but I was holding on. But when you said you were going out.” She shuddered, and taking a deep breath, closed her eyes, as if to shake the thought from her vision. “I couldn’t let you go.”

  He drew her to him and he understood more. She was afraid he wasn’t going to come back, not of what she had already lost.

  “I told you, Raina. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

  Her strength was gone now, he could feel it. She stayed where she was, her head in the hollow of his shoulder, his arms around her, his fingers smoothing a path in her hair.

  “Can I run you a bath? Maybe get you something to eat?”

  Her eyes were closed, but a small yet comforting smile put some life back into her face. “A bath would be good, I’m still freezing.”

  She reached for his hand before he could move too far. He turned back to her and saw her eyes were full again. “You’re too good to be real, you know that?”

  He felt like laughing, and for what reason, he couldn’t say. He was able to stop himself at a smile. He ran a finger down the side of her face and saw a faint color flush her cheeks. “Can you relax in the bath and let me take care of everything?”

  She nodded and he turned again to go.

  “Linc?”

  He turned back and saw she was sitting. “Come here,” she whispered. And when he once again sat next to her, she took his hand, and gently touched his face with the other.

  “Kiss me, please.”

  He offered himself to her, the way he always hoped he one day could, and the way he dreamed she would soon be free to give herself to him. They made an exchange, he was her strength and a solid foundation to depend on, and she was tender and soft and a fountain of giving. Her cold hands remained on his face when they parted. She had to know, even more than before; he would do anything for her.

  “I love you, Lincoln.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  He ran a bath and once he knew she was in it, he headed back to her room where he swiped her phone from the dresser.

  The snow had stopped during the hour they’d been locked away. He dropped her phone in his pocket and went down to check on Oliver. All was well, he reassured him, but he wanted to have a bigger conversation with the kid. He just needed a few minutes to reorganize their day.

  He gave his mother a monster hug and he was comforted by the strength and consistency of her love. After they exchanged a few words, she left him in her office alone. He took Raina’s phone from his pocket and found the number he’d been looking for immediately.

  “Rae!” a voice chirped in his ear.

  “Hello, actually this is Lincoln.”

  “Is everything alright?”

  He should have known that would be the first question. It was Raina’s phone but not her voice on the line. He felt certain it wouldn’t be something he ever took for granted again.

  “Yes,” he assured her. “Everything’s fine. Is this Trish?”

  “Yes, what can I do for you, Lincoln?”

  “I’m hoping a lot. Do you have a minute?”

  “Of course.”

  He explained the situation, and Trish extended all the right words and reactions at the right moments. He could feel the love this family had for Raina through the phone line. She
assured him that if he took care of his end, they would take care of the rest.

  “Lincoln?” Trish said, before she rung off.

  “Yeah,” he answered on an exhale.

  “This is a really great thing you’re doing. I think Rae may be right about you.”

  Right about what?” he asked, suddenly interested.

  “That you’re good for her. We’ll be there soon.”

  He checked on Raina, heard the water slosh around, and she assured him she was fine. When he was satisfied that she was, he headed back down the stairs to take care of another piece of business.

  Oliver was sitting with him; legs crossed the way his mother always sat, across from him on the bed.

  “You know you really helped me out this morning, Buddy.”

  “I did?” he asked.

  Linc laughed, his wide eyes looked so innocent and eager to please.

  “You did. You told me your mama didn’t like the snow. Knowing that helped.” Oliver merely shrugged.

  “I don’t like it when she does that. I don’t know how to help, and I can’t take care of her.”

  “No, me either. It’s a little scary isn’t it?”

  Oliver nodded.

  “So, I thought it might help if we made a deal.”

  “What kind of deal?”

  “Well, I thought it might help you, if we made it my job from now on to take care of your mom when that happens.”

  Oliver shrugged again, but eyed him curiously.

  “Would you let me help you take care of your mama?”

  Oliver nodded in agreement and rubbed his watering eyes. Linc admired the courage it took for Oliver to give that power over to him. He knew firsthand how big a deal it was to relinquish the role of protector, and someday he knew Oliver would see that himself.

  “So, I talked to your Aunt Trish, and she is going to bring your family here this afternoon.” Oliver’s eyes perked up. “How does that sound?”

  “That sounds awesome! Will, mama feel better by then?”

  “I think she will. She wants me to meet all of your family. It’s important, so I think she’ll feel okay.”

  Oliver nodded.

  “You know, Buddy, I love your mom, lots.”

  “I know, she told Grandma and Grandpa and everyone that she loves you, too. I heard because I was hiding on the stairs.”

  “You were, were you?” Linc laughed, and looked more closely at the small boy across from him, considering his options. “Is it alright with you, if I love your mom?”

  Oliver smiled and nodded.

  “I love you too, you know.”

  “Does that mean you can come live with us, because I like when you’re at my house. And then can I have a brother and sister? Everyone has way more fun than me because they have brothers and sisters.”

  Wow, he chuckled to himself. He liked the picture he suddenly saw, the scene Oliver painted wasn’t so very different from the one he had in his own head.

  “I think I’ll have to talk to your mom about that. But for now I wanted to make sure it was okay with you if I love your mom.”

  He shrugged again, “It’s cool! Can I go play now?”

  “Sure,” he laughed, messed Oliver’s hair and watched him run from the room. The way he saw it, the kid had just given him his blessing. Now he only had about a dozen more Sawyers to impress.

  They both insisted Diane stay for the festivities. When Morgan and Dale arrived to pick up their children Linc and Rae convinced them to stick around for a while as well, and when Dave and Trish arrived a while later they echoed the sentiment, so soon the house was a hub of activity.

  When a new wave of exhaustion fell like a heavy cloud over an emotionally battered Raina, Dave was the first to notice and the first one at her side. She threaded her arm through his and placed her head on his shoulder.

  “You know what you need?”

  She lifted her head and raised a brow at Dave, who seconds ago had dropped his arm around her shoulder.

  “A bit of fresh air and a hot cup of coffee should perk you up. There’s a park just down the street. Let’s take the little kids for a bit.”

  She heard Linc laughing across the room with Marie and Trish, but she knew he had observed the exchange between her and Dave. He didn’t miss things like that. So while Dave corralled all the small kids, she joined the laughing three.

  The women saw Rae’s hand slip into Linc’s when she joined them. They too had seen the words shared between Dave and Raina.

  They heard the words Rae spoke to Lincoln, and saw the acceptance and encouraging manner that overtook him as he sent her off with Dave.

  Marie and Trish watched the way Linc’s hand ran down the length of her hair when she turned to go, and how casually his eyes strayed to watch her until the door closed behind them.

  Each of her sisters, though independent in their thoughts, felt the same things. This man loves Raina. They also sensed that his actions and discomfort had little to do with them or their questions, and more to do with making sure she was safe and protected.

  When his attention shifted back to them, it was Marie who offered the first true words and action of acceptance. She laid her hand on his arm and let him into their world.

  “You’ve done an amazing thing for all of us today.”

  He glanced from her hand, to the dark depths of Marie’s eyes and offered a humble smile. When he didn’t respond, she continued.

  “She’s never been big on letting anyone help her, but she lets you quite easily. That tells us almost as much about you as it does about her.”

  Linc’s eyes shifted out the window and they all saw the kids scramble for the sidewalk, followed by Dave and Raina. They saw Dave turn and say something to Rae, and when she laughed and threaded her arm though Dave’s, he breathed easier. That she could laugh eased a small burden that had been tangled in Lincoln’s chest since morning.

  “She’s going to be fine.”

  He turned to see a smiling Marie swipe at a tear that had slipped her control. Linc gave the hand that was still on his arm a squeeze, knowing none of this day, regardless of their efforts, was easy for any of them. He heard the words float from his lips before he understood he was saying them.

  “I’ll take care of her.”

  She smiled at him and another tear was freed. “You already are, Lincoln.”

  She couldn’t argue once she was out; it was a good idea. The snow had brought warmer temperatures and had already begun to melt. The air was clean and crisp, and it had an authoritative power that was pushing the heavy fog from her head.

  They reached the park and found a picnic table to set themselves on. They sat in silence, occasionally stirred to laughter by the children before they would fall quiet again.

  “Thanks for coming; I’m sorry if it makes it even stranger to be in Diane’s home.”

  Dave smiled in the direction of the squeals.

  “That is definitely what made this day strange,” he said, with sarcastic humor. It made her laugh, though there was absolutely nothing funny about this day. “Rae, don’t apologize. I think if you don’t already know, all parties involved would do anything for you.”

  She nodded, unable to speak. Dave put his arm around her.

  “It’s good to have you back, Rae.”

  She looked at him and understood what he said.

  “Even if you’re having a rough day, it’s there. I can see it. You got your light back.”

  She laughed, even as moisture collected in her eyes. She had her light back. She’d known it for a while, but somehow until that moment she didn’t believe it. Or maybe she did, but instead of seeing it for what it was she thought it was a light that Linc put in her. She saw now that she hadn’t been correct in thinking that. Linc had said the same thing but in a different way to her a while back, but she had still been too tangled to see it. He told her that it had all been about her getting them to that point.

  “I got my light back. It’s a l
ittle different, but it’s back,” she managed to choke out.

  “So what’s next?” He smiled at her and it turned quickly to a grin when he saw the look of confusion on her face.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Raina. You have never been the one to wait. What are you going to do?”

  She couldn’t answer. For one, she didn’t know what she was going to do. Everything about her life was so different now. She had to stop and think about her actions first, she had Oliver to consider.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  Dave waited until she looked at him. “You’re being cautious, it’s understandable, but is it for the right reasons?”

  “Oliver is a pretty good reason, wouldn’t you say?” Her tone had an edge of annoyance and force to it.

  “Sure; the best one. But in this case, I don’t think it’s the right one.”

  He waited for her to ask but he saw that she set her eyes on Oliver who had just slid face first down the slide into a sticky pile of snow.

  “You and I both know that Oliver and Lincoln were mad about each other before you knew what was going on. Or have you forgotten how Ollie flew into his arms at his birthday party?”

  “No, I haven’t. You’re right. I know Linc would never do anything to hurt him. Maybe I am using him as an excuse.”

  “The way he looks at you is so familiar.” It was Dave’s turn to watch the children. This was harder than he thought it would be. “You and Mark used to look at each other like that; like you had a big, happy secret and everyone else had to dance around it until you were ready to share it.”

  She turned to Dave then because his words astonished her, because she knew it was true, and because Dave’s voice had dropped dramatically in volume. His eyes glistened when he turned to her.

  “Raina, you love him. You told us that, and now we’ve seen it’s true. Don’t waste time making excuses or being cautious. You’ve never done either of those things. Trust your instincts and go with them. You don’t need to protect us, sweetie.”

  Her smoky, tear filled, grey eyes spilled the moment Dave’s hauntingly familiar brown ones did.