Saving Sullivan

by Sara Hubbard

  “I promise, Abby. I’ll do anything to keep you. Anything.”

  Five days later, and forty-eight hours of work, I'm worn out and needing a rest. Sullivan and I are working opposite shifts so I haven’t seen him much this week and we haven’t had much chance to talk. When we did see each other it was nice, but I feel as if what happened the night he went to jail continues to come between us. And I still haven’t asked him about what Ella told me. I feel like Ames will get exactly what he wants if I do, but then, I can’t not bring it up either. It’s eating away at me. Ultimately, I understand why Sullivan did what he did, but it doesn’t erase the memory of seeing him in bed with someone else, and I worry that he might freak out and do it again. We’re getting serious, more so than either of us have ever been before. It scares me. I can’t imagine what it’s doing to him.

  My shift is almost over and I’m clock watching, thinking about how nice it will be to get back to my cabin and fall asleep. I’ve been really tired lately, more so than usual. I assume that it’s because I’m working so much and when I see Sullivan, we don’t exactly sleep…

  Clay calls me on my cell phone as I’m getting ready to leave.

  “Hey, kid,” he says. “Haven’t heard from you much this week.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been busy. How’s Dad?”

  “Good. He misses you. Or rather, he misses your cooking. Dylan’s kind of taken over but half the time it’s burned. Analise takes pity on them and brings over casseroles and baked goods. But it’s usually all gone in one sitting.”

  Analise is my first cousin and a damn good cook. She came over a lot to cook for us when my mom first died, but she had a kid soon after and he keeps her busy.

  “Good.”

  “What’s up? You sound down.”

  “No. Not at all.”

  “Looking forward to coming home?”

  I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Yes. I’m looking forward to coming home, but leaving Sullivan? God help me, I don’t think my heart can take it. Why did I have to go and let myself get this attached?

  Fifteen

  WHEN I LEAVE the clinic, Sullivan is in the lobby, waiting for me. He’s wearing his faded designer jeans and a t-shirt. He pulls one hand out of his pocket to wave, and his eyes seem to brighten. I wonder if they match mine.

  I pick up my pace, unable to get to him fast enough. As I reach him, he turns, and we begin to walk to the exit, side by side. He leans to the side to knock his arm against my shoulder. I missed him and I have a feeling he missed me too. We still have things to work through but damn it, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with happiness and attraction when he shyly glances in my direction.

  I push him away and he comes right back. We take the trail to my cabin, strolling hand in hand. The crickets chirp wildly in the background. When we reach the turnoff to my path, he steers me along the other side of the fork, toward his place.

  “Who says I’m going back to your cabin?” I say, trying to appear defiant, although in reality I would go to his place tonight whether he wanted me to or not. He stops and grabs my hands before crushing me against his chest and kissing me—hard. His tongue pushes through my lips and searches for mine. I sigh against him and run my hands through his soft hair.

  “You won’t fight me if you know what’s good for you.”

  “And what are you going to do to me?” I tease.

  “Bend over, and I’ll show you…”

  “Okay,” I say, when we break apart. “You convinced me.”

  He chuckles. “I knew you’d see it my way.”

  “Why’d you come get me tonight? You usually just call and demand I come over.”

  “I guess I needed to see you,” he says quietly.

  “Yeah?” I say, my cheeks burning. “Why’s that?”

  “Shitty day.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  He sighs and looks up at the moon. The dark clouds drift over it, letting a dim beam shine down. “Yeah. I actually do.”

  I meander closer to him and he drops my hand to wrap his arm around my shoulders. With my head against him, I sigh. A few months ago, if someone had told me I'd meet a guy like Sullivan and actually like him, I'd have suggested they seek medical help. Now it seems I’ve done just that, and I’ve fallen—hard.

  “I think I’m going to get fired,” he tells me.

  “What? No!”

  “Whatever. I don’t even care anymore. That guy I told you about from work? The one who never shuts up?”

  I nod and glance up at him.

  “He’s fucking with my orders and I’m getting the blame.”

  “How do you know it’s him?”

  “Because I confronted him and he admitted it.” His voice is even, like he really doesn’t care. Weeks ago, he was adamant about keeping his job and proving his father wrong. Now, he seems genuinely indifferent.

  “What did you do?” Because I know he did something. Sullivan isn’t the kind of guy who’d take this lying down.

  He groans before letting out a little chuckle, but somehow it comes off nervous. Now, I’m not so sure I want to know.

  “I…uh…confronted him, and he was goading me, trying to push me into losing my temper.”

  “And did you?”

  “No.”

  “Really?” I turn toward him. “What stopped you?”

  He reaches out to rub his thumb along my jaw, and I close my eyes as his voice becomes soft. “I thought about you. I almost messed things up between us and I don’t want to make another mistake. Not with you. You're about the only good thing in my life right now and when I thought about disappointing you,” he shrugs, “I just didn’t care anymore about what that idiot did. It didn’t seem so important.”

  I stand on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck, nestling my face under his chin. He kisses my nose.

  “I’m proud of you,” I say.

  He laughs, his chest vibrating against mine. “No one has ever said that to me before, and I got to say, I didn’t think you’d be the first one to do it.”

  “I’m your first for a lot of things, right?”

  “Yeah, your really are.”

  “Why do think you’ll end up being fired? Because he’s making you look bad?”

  “I don’t know. As long as I don’t react I’ll be fine, I guess.”

  “You walked away from him once so you know you can do it again.”

  He presses a kiss to my cheek. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Having something to lose is a pretty strong motivator.”

  “You mean the money or me?” I say in jest.

  “The money means nothing compared to you.”

  If there were butterflies in my stomach right now, they’d be dancing on my organs. No one has ever made me feel this special and this loved before. Could he feel as much for me as I do for him? It certainly feels this way in this moment.

  Ames is at the cabin when we get there. He’s leaning by the sink and tapping text into his phone. Sullivan grabs my ass, and I turn around to punch him in the chest. He laughs and waggles his eyebrows at me.

  “I’m still mad at you, you know,” I say, referring to the bar, but his face drops and I almost feel bad. I don’t want to throw shit in his face, but I’m still a little angry over everything that happened. Taylor, Ryan and Nicole all ended up in jail because of his temper.

  He forces a smile. “I’ll make it up to you, I swear. And the others.”

  “Hello, Abby,” Ames says, his voice almost sweet.

  I nod. “Ames.”

  “Chaz is taking off in a few days,” he tells Sullivan. “We were going to go into town for some beer and wings. I guess you’re not interested.” His gaze turns to me.

  Sullivan gives me a questioning look. “Interested? Or are you too tired?”

  Ames’ eyes narrow when Sullivan isn’t looking. I can tell I’m not wanted, but I don’t trust Ames as far as I can throw him. Still, if this is going to work, I need to let myself trust Sull
ivan. And it’s just wings.

  “Uh, no. I just want to get some sleep.”

  “Sure. We’ll hang out here.”

  “Fuck, Sullivan! Come on,” Ames says. “You can’t leave us hanging.”

  “Sullivan, go. I’m just going to sleep anyway,” I tell him.

  “Stay here? He grabs me and pulls me in tight against him and whispers in my ear. “I want you waiting for me when I get back. I won’t be long.”

  Staying here without Sullivan feels weird, but I have to admit I like the thought of him crawling in next to me when he gets home tonight. I don't take much convincing and before long, he’s kissing me goodbye while I lay in his bed watching television.

  “Don’t move,” he says. “Except maybe take off those clothes. I want you naked when I come back.”

  “I’ll take that into consideration.”

  He gives me a slow, lingering kiss on the lips before pushing off the bed and leaving me. “Oh, I almost forgot.” He reaches into his dresser and pulls out an envelope and tosses it on the bed. “That’s for you.”

  “What it is?” I ask, smiling like a school girl.

  He shrugs and for the first time, I see him blush before he ducks out of the room. As I reach for the envelope, I hesitate—maybe he'll come back. But when the front door slams shut, I know I won’t see him until later.

  I run my hand along the textured fabric of the envelope. It’s not the same kind of paper you’d get in a drugstore. It’s fancy. Expensive. I flip open the v-shaped tab in the back and push the sides apart. Inside is a long distance card and a note: In case you get lonely.

  Looking back, I remember telling Sullivan that I’d like to talk to my friend Julia but couldn’t afford long distance, and now he gives me this. It’s so thoughtful, so sweet and it makes me think the words, I love you. It makes me want to finally say them.

  I wipe tears from my eyes as I reach for my phone and tap in Julia’s phone number.

  “Jules,” I say in a strangled whisper.

  Static crackles in my ear. “Abby! Is that you?”

  Julia and I talk for hours, and it feels so good to hear her voice, to work through what I’m feeling for Sullivan. She’s suspicious of Sullivan, naturally, for taking the blonde home but after I tell her about his past she agrees that letting himself fall for me must be hard fro him. She also tells me that she’s surprised to find I’ve let myself fall too. To my surprise, Julia tells me that my using my brothers as an excuse for not dating was just that—an excuse—because she always felt I wasn’t open to letting anyone in either. I guess I never thought of it like that, but her finally telling me this makes me wonder if there’s some truth to it. Maybe Sullivan and I connect so well because we’re similar in some ways—different as hell in others—but somehow we compliment each other. Sullivan has managed to mend a part of me that I always assumed would be broken. Dad was right, keeping people at a distance just leaves you lonely. Sullivan makes me feel complete. I can forgive him for what happened…once. I only hope he doesn’t disappoint me again.

  Sullivan’s bed is soft and luxurious, and his mattress is about as thick as the length of my arm. It’s like laying down on a cloud and for the first time in forever, I find myself fighting sleep as I wait for him to get back.

  A warm hand on my back draws me from sleep. I smile into my pillow and don’t say anything right away. It feels amazing.

  “You awake?” he whispers.

  “Mmm.”

  He rolls me over and leans over me, brushing the hair out of my face. He touches my cheek. “Sorry to wake you.”

  “No. You’re not.”

  “You’re right.”

  When he laughs, his breath hits me: alcohol. He reeks of it. I can’t help but sigh.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Sullivan, are you drunk?”

  “Maybe just a little.”

  I sigh again because I don’t know what else to say. Something tells me Ames didn’t do anything to discourage him from drinking; if anything, he probably egged him on.

  “Are you mad at me for drinking?” The disbelief is evident in his tone. He looks more than a little irritated.

  I shake my head—not to say no, but just because I'm exasperated.

  “What’s next? You gonna tell me I can’t go out with my friends?”

  “Sullivan, wait—what? No! Why are you acting like this?” But I don’t need to ask. I frigging hate Ames.

  Sullivan sits up and slides his legs over the edge of the bed. He removes his Rolex and chucks it on the bedside table.

  “I can’t believe you’re getting mad at me right now. Do you even listen when I talk?” I ask.

  “Go to sleep, Abby.” He stands up and heads for the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “For a drink.”

  I groan and call out his name as he opens the bedroom door. “Do you remember what I told you the morning I…the morning I caught you in...?”

  “You gonna try and make me feel bad now?”

  “You’re such a jerk. Just let me talk!”

  He puts his hands on his hips and waits for me to continue.

  “I told you about my dad and his drinking. After my mom died, my dad fell apart. He picked up a bottle and didn’t stop for three years. Smelling the alcohol on you…it just reminds me of a time in my life I’d rather forget. I don’t care if you drink—well that’s not true, I do care, but only because it almost ruined my father and I can’t stand to think of anything happening to you.”

  He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. He doesn’t look at me for what feels like hours, but when he does, his looks screams an apology. He doesn’t say it and I don’t need to hear it. He closes the distance between us and wraps his arms around me, pulling me down onto his chest as we lay in his bed.

  “I’m sorry. I just…I assumed.”

  “Don’t assume, Sullivan. Just talk to me. Okay?”

  “Yeah.” He squeezes me tight and kisses my forehead.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Mmm?”

  “Did Ames bug you about me tonight?”

  His body moves under me as he shrugs. “He always bugs me about you. But I couldn't give a shit about that and he knows it. I don’t owe him an apology for wanting to spend time with you. I’m happier than I’ve been in…well, a long time.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Good.”

  “Sullivan?”

  “Mmm?”

  “Thanks for the calling card.”

  He squeezes me tight, but doesn’t say a word.

  When I wake in the morning, Sullivan is sprawled out on the bed and quietly snoring. I almost want to record him on my phone, if only to tease him later. I stay in bed for a while, waiting for him to stir, but soon I get restless and slide out from under his arm. In the kitchen I find cereal and pour some in a bowl, finding some almost-expired milk in the fridge.

  I’m eating my cereal when Ames emerges, looking haggard and every bit as hungover as I imagine he is. I hope he throws up.

  “Morning,” he says, forcing a smile.

  I manage a nod.

  “Your man was in fine form last night,” he says. “The four of us together, it was just like we were back in college.”

  “Glad you had fun,” I say, glancing up at him.

  “Hope you weren’t too bored after he left you here by yourself.”

  “What is your problem?” I say quickly. “Why do you feel so threatened by me?”

  He laughs out loud. “Threatened by you? You must be dreaming. Like I said, he’ll have forgotten all about you by the fall. You don’t believe it, but trust me, Sullivan is going to go back to New York and he’ll end up working for his dad and marrying some fucking hot rich bitch who’ll happily spend their money.”

  “No. You don’t sound threatened at all. And I know you told Ella about Sullivan messing around with other girls so it would get back to me. Don’t pretend you didn’t.”
/>
  “What?” Sullivan stands in his bedroom doorway, gawking at us. “You fucking told her friend I was messing around on her?”

  Ames sighs and puts up his hands. “Dude, that’s not true. I don’t even know what she’s talking about. She’s so fucking obsessed with you that she’s trying to drive a wedge between you and your friends. Can’t you see it?”

  “You’re a fucking dick, Ames. What the fuck?”

  Ames all but growls and shakes his head as he leans back against the counter. He has nothing to say and we all know what I said was the truth. He’s not even bothering to deny it anymore.

  “This is how you treat your friends, Ames?” I ask.

  He keeps silent.

  “All last night, you kept pushing me on girls. Trying to make me go home with them. You knew I was drunk and you just didn’t fucking stop.” Sullivan’s face turns beet red and he punches the entryway with a massive thud. There’s a dent in the wood and blood on his knuckles. I stand up and hurry over to him but he backs away and won’t let me touch him. I think he’s pushing me away again until he says, “Give me a minute. I need a minute.”

  I nod. “Sure.”

  He ducks back in his room and emerges with a sweatshirt. He keeps his distance and I’m okay with that. As long as he doesn’t shut me out again. After rooting through his jacket pockets, he snatches his keys. “Abby, I need to go for a drive. Can I drop you home? Or do you want to hang out here?” He glares at Ames.

  I shrug, unsure. Part of me wants to be here when he gets back but another part of me doesn’t want to be alone with Ames again. He’s pure poison and I worry our dislike for one another might escalate if we’re left alone.

  Ames throws his hands up. “Don’t worry about it. I’m out of here.”

  The door slams so hard the walls shake.

  “Sullivan?” I say.

  “I can’t believe he did that,” he says. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s fine. You didn’t do anything, right?”

  “Just give me some time alone. I promise I’m not shutting you out. I just need some time to calm down before I start breaking shit.”