Dear Adam
Page 19
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 11:54 AM
To: Eden E
Will you wear them for me?
----------
From: Eden E
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 11:55 AM
To: Adam -
I would wear them for you. I found some sheer black nylon ones that come up to my upper thighs.
I'm wearing them right now.
----------
From: Adam -
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 11:55 AM
To: Eden E
You put them on? I feel such a desperation to see you in them.
----------
From: Adam -
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 11:56 AM
To: Eden E
Please show me?
Please?
----------
From: Eden E
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 11:57 AM
To: Adam -
I just discovered that one of them has a run. Shoes or no?
----------
From: Adam -
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 11:57 AM
To: Eden E
Shoes yes please.
----------
From: Eden E
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 11:59 AM
To: Adam -
This will take me some time. I have to look for my shoes. Step away from the computer and do something else. Don't come back for 20 minutes. The shoes I'm thinking of are buried somewhere.
----------
From: Adam -
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 12:00 PM
To: Eden E
OK
x
Eden got on her knees and felt underneath her bed. She had only one pair of ridiculously high and sharp stiletto heels, in black velvet. They had been an impulse buy. After walking around the house in them once, she had stashed them away and forgotten about them until today.
The thigh highs were sheer, black, and had lace covered elastic that fit snugly around her upper thighs. She looked at herself in the full-length mirror. In her tight black slip, with the stilettos on, she looked like some mafia lord’s dangerous mistress.
She couldn’t find her tripod and so had to take the picture just of her legs holding the camera pointed down and far enough away to see them fully.
She hesitated before sending the photo to Adam. They were just her legs, no bare skin showing. But they were definitely intimate. It was like sending him her voice for the first time. Another layer being peeled off, another level of vulnerability she was showing him.
----------
From: Eden E
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 12:13 PM
To: Adam -
Attach: edenslegs.jpg
I guess it's a good thing my son's at work.
----------
From: Adam -
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 12:14 PM
To: Eden E
Oh my word, amazing, really
----------
From: Adam -
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 12:15 PM
To: Eden E
So sexy, your legs have such a beautiful shape.
----------
From: Eden E
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 12:16 PM
To: Adam -
I'm taking these things off - They're squeezing my thighs.
Thank you.
----------
From: Adam -
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 12:17 PM
To: Eden E
I hope you feel I deserve to see them.
----------
From: Eden E
Date: Sat, Aug 18, at 12:18 PM
To: Adam -
Yes, Adam. I want you and only you to see them. I've never sent such pictures of myself. I'm trying not to feel slutty.
Her iPod instantly came alive with the Skype jingle. She put her earbuds on and answered it.
“Hello.”
“Eden, don’t feel slutty. It’s a beautiful picture. I’ve been dreaming of seeing your thighs and here they are, in nylons. I’m beside myself.”
“They’re not too fat?”
“You must be joking. They’re perfect. I’m hard just looking at them.”
She giggled.
“There you go again.”
“There I go what?”
“You giggle whenever we have a conversation about anything sexual.”
“Do I? I don’t know. I get nervous I guess.”
“It’s a topic we haven’t really explored in depth.”
“Now you’re the one who’s joking. We talk about it all the time. Every other sentence out of your mouth is something lewd or suggestive.”
“Only because I like to tease you. But you never run with it, I notice. You either ignore me or berate me. I’m starting to wonder.”
“Wonder what?”
“If you even like sex.”
“Because I don’t talk like I’m operating a 1-900 number, I don’t like sex? That is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said!”
“Now, now, I guess those thigh highs must have squeezed you much too tight.”
Adam may have been trying to get her to laugh, but his condescending tone ignited Eden’s fury.
“Delete that fucking picture I sent you.”
“Edie -”
“Delete it now, Adam! You’re not the only one who gets to take pictures away.”
“Darling -”
“Don’t darling me. I sent you something private and you take the opportunity to make me feel cheap and stupid about it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Delete it.”
“I think you’re -”
“If you fucking say that I’m fucking overreacting, I am fucking hanging up on you.”
“I was about to say that we should both calm down.”
“No you weren’t. If anything you were going to say that I should calm down. Typical, hysterical female that I am.” She could feel angry tears forming, could hear it in her voice.
“Edie. I don’t understand,” he said, bewildered. “One moment we’re close and then a wrong note and you’re angry with me. It’s like a storm.”
“Adam, I want you to delete it. I hate it now. I hate it that I sent you a slutty picture.”
“Darling, it’s not slutty. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.”
“But it’s not enough. Is it? I did what you wanted me to do. I only took it to please you and then you started making fun of me.”
“Edie, I’m deleting it but only because you’re really upset. There. It’s gone. It’s only in my imagination now. I’m afraid your legs have been burnt forever in my mind so I can’t delete it from there.”
He paused to hear her laugh. She said nothing, still burning with anger.
“Alright, it’s clear to me something just happened here that we need to talk about.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Eden, my dear, I’m concerned about how quickly our conversation turned from warm to you being in tears.”
“I’m not in tears!” Eden cried. “And I hate that patronizing attitude of yours. Like I’m just an emotional mess and you’re the level-headed, superior one.”
She heard him take a deep breath.
“I think we took a wrong turn when I made that joke about you not liking sex.”
“Don’t you dare try and analyze me! Because I don’t talk about ‘cocks and pussies’ all the time, I’m frigid? If you wanted smut then you should just download
porn instead of pretending to be interested in me!”
He was quiet. She had shocked him.
“You’re going to feel bad in a minute.”
“No, I won’t.”
“I’ve only seen hints of it before. You wield a double-edged sword of stubbornness and fight whenever you feel like you’ve been backed into a corner.”
“And you wield a battering ram of arrogance and condescension.”
“You’re trying to get me to fight with you, Eden. It’s not going to work. This has nothing to do with my ego. I said something that hurt you, for which I apologize. Don’t get me wrong - if you’re truly in a corner, fight with all you’ve got. But you don’t need to be fighting me. I’m in the same corner. All I want to do is understand you. We’ve come up against a problem here and I want to address it. I don’t want to sweep it away and forget about it.”
There was always something about Adam’s voice. As much as Eden wanted to shield herself with her anger, his voice, when it was calm and patient like this, pierced through her armor faster and more effective than anything sharp or cutting ever could. He disarmed her like no one else could.
“I’m sorry.”
“I can tell from your voice that you’ve put down your sword.”
She gave a weak laugh. “I’m not that bad am I?”
“Eden, you were swearing, which you never do. And you were attacking me. Now, don’t take this as ‘patronizing’ or me being ‘superior’ but we have to figure out what just happened.”
“Why?”
“Are you serious about us?”
“Yes.”
“So am I. And because I’m serious, I want to work on anything that might divide us in the future.”
Eden was quiet. Neither her ex-husband nor Troy had ever wanted to talk about relationships as much as Adam did. He was saying “us” but did he really mean just her – what was wrong with her that could pose trouble for them later? She tried to ignore the feeling of panic and being closed in.
“Meaning I have to change.”
“No. That’s not what I mean. You’re defensive and stubborn for a reason. I just want us to figure out why.”
“Do you usually analyze your relationships so closely?”
“No, not usually. But then I never gave a fuck before. I care about what happens to us. Very much.”
“I do too.”
“So can we talk now?”
“Okay.”
“Instead of me telling you what I think is going on, which might get you upset again, why don’t you tell me?”
Eden felt her body getting wound up and tight, a prelude to lashing out again. He’s in your corner, she reminded herself.
“No,” she replied, still wary. “I’m really curious to hear what you have to say. And I promise I won’t pick up my sword again.”
“Did you feel pressured to take the picture for me?”
“No. Yes. I mean, I wanted to take it. But then when you made that joke, I felt used. Like you manipulated me.”
“You felt manipulated because you didn’t feel in control anymore?”
“Somewhat.”
“Control is very important to you isn’t it?”
“Yes. It’s important to me to have control over myself and my life. Not others.”
“Tell me how you felt when you weren’t in control anymore.”
“Helpless. Trapped. Angry,” she replied without hesitation.
“Darling, we have to go a dark place once more.”
She took another deep breath to calm her fast beating heart. She couldn’t keep anything from Adam like she could from everybody else. He was thousands of miles away yet he saw her as clearly as if he were in the same room.
“I know.”
“Your ex-husband,” he said with undisguised contempt, “He didn’t just hit you, did he?”
“Yes,” she whispered her voice small and tight.
“He would force you to have sex with him, whether you wanted to or not. He would rape you.”
Eden never called it rape. He was her husband after all. She would just stop resisting after awhile and close her eyes. Pretend she was somewhere else. It went much quicker that way and he would be asleep after a few minutes. There were only a few times in the beginning when she tried to run away from him but he would eventually corner her. He was much bigger, stronger than she was. There was never any doubt he would get his way.
“Please, Adam,” she begged, “I can’t.”
“Darling, we’re almost done, I promise. Just a little bit more. Did you ever tell anyone?”
“No, not about this. I was already ashamed about everything else. I really didn’t want this to come up. It was a long time ago.”
“I know you don’t. But it just did. And it will keep coming up unless we deal with it.”
“Why? Are you afraid I won’t want to have sex with you? Not to be crass, but I did have sex with Troy, so your fear is unfounded.”
“You’re raw so I won’t tell you how it affects me when you talk about sex with another man while we’re having a very serious talk.”
“I’m sorry.”
“But now that you bring it up – I’m guessing he wanted it much more than you did. That you had sex out of a sense of obligation.”
“I think of sex as an important part of a relationship.”
“Important but not the most enjoyable part?”
“I guess.”
“Your enthusiasm speaks volumes.” He made a sound of disgust. “There are few people I hate in this world. Your ex-husband is on a very short list.”
“He didn’t ruin me. I’m fine.”
“You’re a strong woman, Eden, of that I have no doubt. Your ex-boyfriend was a fool not worthy of you. Your ex-husband was an animal. Worse than an animal, in fact. But I’m different from them. I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I will never lay a hand on you. I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that you always feel safe and strong and happy. You don’t believe that yet. But you will someday, if you’ll allow me to prove it to you. I promise you.”
Eden was quiet. It was easy to get swept up in Adam’s promises. She wanted to believe him so badly. But no man had ever made her feel that way. Sex wasn’t just an intimate act. It was always about control and dominion over her body.
“Can we try something?”
“What?” she asked with a touch of suspicion.
“You fulfilled one of my fantasies today. Is there any way I can help fulfill one of yours?”
“One of mine?”
“Yes. No one’s ever asked you, have they?”
Eden thought about this for a moment.
“No,” she admitted. “No one ever has. They always tell me what they want. What they’d like to do to me.”
“What they want to do to you … like tie you up so they can have their way with you?”
“Yes.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Nauseated. The thought makes me ill.”
“For good reason. Only weak, insecure men find pleasure in restraining a woman during sex.”
“Have you ever tied up a woman?”
“Never.” The word was sharp with vehemence.
“Have you ever had a woman tie you up?”
“A woman once tried to. I was 17. She was 22. We went back to her place and she said she wanted to tie me to the bedposts and drip candle wax all over me. I got the hell out of there.”
He paused.
“That’s it isn’t it? Your fantasy.”
Eden said nothing.
“Darling. Don’t hold back.” Adam sounded excited. “I want us to explore this.”
“But you just said only someone weak and insecure would want to restrain a lover during sex.”
“I’m neither weak nor insecure.”
“That’s true enough,” Eden muttered.
“Yet, I want you to do it.”
“You want me to tie you
up?” she asked, incredulous.
“I want to submit myself to you. Completely.”
“Why?” She was dumbfounded.
“We’d both be doing something we’ve never done before. I’ve never been that vulnerable with a woman. And you’ve never had a man surrender himself to you. Doesn’t it tempt you – the thought of this six-foot-one man, so big and strong, under your control in every way? Helpless and at your mercy?”
Eden didn’t trust herself to reply. She was beginning to get hot.
“The more I think about it, the more I want us to do this.” She had never heard Adam so thrilled before. “And I can tell you want it too. You’re just afraid you’ll scare me away if you tell me how much you want it.”
“You know my list of 36 things to do?” she whispered, even though she was the only one home.
“Yes.”
“Well, I had another list. A secret one. Things I really wanted to do but didn’t think I could. Number one was having a healthy and happy relationship.”
“You can check that one off.”
“Number three was bondage.”
“What was number two?”
“I’ll tell you someday.”
“Right. I’ll ask you about it again, you know that.”
“I know.”
“In the meanwhile, we can occupy ourselves with numbers one and three. Now,” he said with relish. “Tell me what you want to do to me.”
Subject: Monday
------------------------
From: Eden E
Date: Sun, Aug 19, at 11:54 PM