Kev

by Mark A Labbe

  “How touching,” said B24ME in the background.

  Clive and I both said, “shut up,” at the same time.

  “So, I’m Satan?” said Clive, now somewhat calmer, but shaking slightly, a fearful look on his face. How could I have so easily thrown him on The Show? How could I have so easily lured him into hell? I felt terrible.

  “Yes.”

  “Why do I want to end all creation?” said Clive.

  “You know, I don’t have all day, boys,” said B24ME.

  “Shut up, B24ME. You’ll get your chance,” I growled.

  “Yeah, you bastard,” said Clive.

  “Look, Clive, I thought we were playing some sort of game before, but I now think what is really happening is that you have somehow manipulated the universe in an attempt to use me to end all creation. At least, all the evidence seems to point to that, or at least what evidence I can remember. I still don’t have all my memories back,” I said, getting back onto my feet.

  “Why would I want to do that?” said Clive.

  “I don’t know. Maybe because you’re Satan,” I offered.

  “Well, I don’t want to end all creation right now. I just want to get out of this place.”

  “Enough small talk boys. Time for a challenge,” said B24ME.

  Clive and I appeared in a small office sitting across from a young, towheaded boy behind a battered metal desk, a desk that appeared to have come from some apocalyptic tag sale.

  “Hey,” said the boy.

  “Uh, hey,” said Clive. “Who are you?”

  “I’m Timmy, but you can call me Az,” said the boy, a smile on his face, his black eyes wide and unblinking.

  “So, the challenge is quite simple, gents,” interjected B24ME. “All you have to do is beat Az in a staring contest.”

  “That’s stupid,” I said.

  “Would you prefer another challenge?” said B24ME, threateningly. “I could think up something quite nice if you don’t approve of this one.”

  “No, this one is fine,” said Clive. “How is Timmy, er, Az, going to have a staring contest with both of us? Are we going one at a time?”

  “I’m looking both of you in the eyes,” said Timmy, a broad grin on his face.

  Clive and I looked at Timmy.

  “He looking at you, Clive?” I said.

  “Yeah, you?” said Clive.

  “Yeah. Strange.”

  “Let’s begin,” said B24ME.

  Within a second, I blinked. Az pointed at me with one finger, a finger that transformed into a wooden spike, a wooden spike that extended with alarming speed and ran me through, piercing my heart and killing me. I saw a flash of light and then found myself starting at Az again, trying my hardest not to blink.

  “This isn’t good,” said Clive, blinking and getting the same treatment.

  I might have lasted another thirty seconds before I blinked again, impaled by Az’s brutally transformed finger.

  Clive blinked soon after.

  This went on for hours, hours of torment with no hope of relief. I don’t know how many times we were killed. It had to have been thousands of times, our time spent staring at Az, blinking, dying and resurrecting, all while listening to B24ME laughing in the background, sometimes taunting us and calling us ridiculous names, “the kebab brothers” his favorite.

  Finally, in a moment of clarity, after coming back to life, Clive, keeping eye contact with Az, stood up, leaned over the desk and punched Az in the face, causing him to blink.

  “Hey, no fair,” cried Az.

  “You’re lucky I didn’t kill you, you little monster,” said Clive.

  “Well, I see you two are up to the challenge, although, I have to say it took you long enough to figure things out,” said B24ME, disappointment quite evident in his voice.

  “Are all of the challenges like this?” said Clive.

  I didn’t want to say it, but I had to be honest, “Most are worse.”

  “Who the hell created this show?” said Clive.

  “We did,” I said, wondering what ever possessed me to create this show.

  “What the hell?” said Clive.

  “Are you boys ready for your next challenge?” said B24ME. “Do you need more time to talk about stupid decisions and whatnot?”

  “Whatever, B24ME. What’s the next challenge?” I said.

  Clive and I appeared in a large arcade, surrounded by ancient video games, games I recognized from my youth.

  “Whoa,” said Clive. “Are we going to play video games?”

  “Such a bright boy,” said B24ME. “Yes, you are. Well, you are going to play one game. You get to choose which one. If you both beat the game, you win the challenge.”

  Clive and I had spent a lot of time at an arcade near my aunt’s house that summer he stayed with me. We would play for hours. Clive was quite good. I lacked skill. I could tell this would be a difficult challenge for me, and I believed that I would be dragging Clive down, so I said, “If Clive wins and I don’t, can he sit things out until I win?”

  “Nope,” said B24ME, blissfully. “You both play together, and you both have to win together.”

  “Lovely,” said Clive. “You suck at video games, Kev. We’re never going to win.” Clearly, Clive had started to remember some things.

  “Well, it’s just video games,” I said, totally unaware of what B24ME had in store for us.

  “Let’s find Space Bugs. You aren’t that bad at that,” said Clive, looking around for the one game that I had some small ability to play.

  “I don’t see it,” I said. “You go that way and I’ll go this way. I’m sure it’s here. There are like a million games in here. B24ME, do you have Space Bugs?”

  “If you find it, you can play it. If not, you’ll have to choose something else,” said B24ME.

  We split up, both hunting for the game, Clive eventually finding it and calling out to me. I joined him in front of the game and said, “B24ME, only one player can play at a time.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. Our version of the game allows two players to play at the same time,” said B24ME.

  “Well, where is that one?” said Clive.

  I appeared inside the cockpit of some sort of space ship. In front of me I saw a flight stick with a trigger. I looked out of the window of the ship and ahead saw strange, glowing bugs in the distance. They looked like winged ants and flies, but I couldn’t be sure. I looked to my left and saw a ship not far from me, a ship that looked remarkably similar to the ships in Space Bugs. I understood.

  “Holy crap,” said Clive, his voice coming through a speaker on the left wall of my craft.

  “Yeah, holy crap.”

  “So, all you have to do is win the game,” said B24ME. “You have to clear all of the levels without losing all your lives. Easy, right?”

  Something told me this would be anything but easy. “How many lives do we have?” I said.

  “Five lives each,” said B24ME.

  “Kev, you remember how to play, right? Remember to double up your ship. We can do that, right B24ME?”

  “The rules are the same as in the real game,” said B24ME, “for the most part.”

  “What’s different?” I said, trying to remember the game.

  “You’ll see,” said B24ME. “Ready?”

  “Yeah,” said Clive.

  Ahead of me, I saw movement as some of the ant-like crafts started winding their way to Clive and me, firing missiles at us. I dodged the missiles, steering my craft left and right (the only two directions we were allowed to go.) I lined up a shot and fired, feeling a mild electric shock when I fired, thinking that a little odd.

  Clive proceeded in the same way, dodging and firing.

  “Are you getting shocked?” called out Clive.

  “Yeah,” I said, evading another missile and taking out a large, glowing fly. I noticed that the intensity of the shocks was increasing each time I took a shot, and realized things were going to get pretty bad pretty soon.


  “Ow!” cried Clive.

  By the time we cleared the level, each of us managing to stay alive, the shocks had intensified to an alarming level.

  As the next wave flew into place in front of us, I said, “B24ME, are the shocks going to start back at low power each time we clear a level?” I prayed he would say yes.

  “You’ll see,” laughed B24ME.

  The shocks did decrease in intensity, but were more intense than they were at the beginning of the first level. We started clearing the level. Clive called out, “Try to double up.”

  Doubling up happened when you struck one of the larger flies with one of your missiles in the center of its head, right between the eyes. If you did that, another ship identical to yours would attach to your ship, giving you double the firepower, but also double the exposure.

  Clive and I cleared out some of the little ships, and then one of the big guys came down, Clive firing at it and striking it right between the eyes. Clive screamed.

  “What happened?” I called out.

  “That really sucked. When you double up you are going to get the shock of your life,” said Clive.

  “Great.”

  We continued firing on the ships. Eventually, another big guy came down, and this time I nailed it between the eyes. Clive’s warning proved true. I received a shock of such magnitude that I thought my skin had burned off. However, I didn’t think much of it, just happy that I now had double the firepower.

  There were still a number of enemies left, and I noticed that they were now moving much faster and were much harder to hit. Further, their missiles moved faster.

  Not long after doubling up, a missile struck my second ship, destroying it. Again, I felt a terrifying shock, but I did not lose a life.

  We cleared the level, Clive still in possession of his second ship, me stuck with just one ship.

  “Well, at least we haven’t died,” said Clive.

  I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that we would soon learn what dying would be like in this game, no doubt at all.

  The new level started and things went well for a while, but I ended up dying after two of the enemy ships dive-bombed me, converging on me from both sides.

  This language lacks the words required to describe the pain I felt before dying and seeing a flash of light, reborn into a new ship.

  “Not good,” I called out to Clive, right before he died, his scream so loud it overloaded my speaker, completely blowing it out. I couldn’t hear Clive anymore.

  We cleared five more levels, a difficult task given that we could not coordinate our efforts. Clive died once and I died twice. I couldn’t remember how many levels Space Bugs had, and prayed that we didn’t have many more left, but realized that there was a strong chance that B24ME’s version of this game would have far more levels than the arcade game.

  “B24ME, how many levels are there?” I said.

  “Six hundred, sixty-six,” said B24ME. “Having fun yet?”

  “Go to hell,” I said.

  “I think I already have,” laughed B24ME, as a missile whizzed by me with alarming speed. How many levels were left? I had lost count. I realized that I would not be able to win this iteration of the game. There was no way I would win, and I was certain Clive would not win either. How many games would it take? What would happen after we lost all of our lives? I did not want to find out, but I knew I would.

  Two levels later, the shocks I felt each time I fired now brutally painful, I lost my final life, and experienced something beyond pain, something that seemed to last for an eternity. When it passed, I heard B24ME say, “You guys really suck at this, don’t you?”

  At that point, I was back in a spaceship. I heard Clive say, “This isn’t the same as the arcade game. The ships move faster and the missiles do too.” I didn’t expect to be able to hear Clive, given that my speaker had blown out, and found myself thankful that B24ME had allowed it to be repaired for the new game.

  “Well, I didn’t say it was exactly the same,” said B24ME. “Ready for the next game?”

  I don’t know how long we played or how many games we played. All I know is that I eventually got to a point where the pain became meaningless, where I lost all sense of self. In some ways, I became one with my ship, the only thing that reminded me I existed. I know Clive experienced the same thing.

  Eventually, we made it to the last level, me having three lives left, Clive having four. At that point we were barely communicating, most of the sound escaping us in the form of grunts and howls. As we finished off the last of the enemies, a new enemy appeared, something quite large, a cross between a wasp and a beetle. It fired four missiles, two of which homed in on Clive, and two that tracked me. These were missiles we couldn’t evade. However, we both got in hits on the ship, two hits each because we each had doubled up our ships.

  Unfortunately, our hits did not destroy this ship. We ended up spending the rest of our lives shooting the ship, but not destroying it. After losing my last life and suffering through unimaginable torment, I managed to say, “How many hits does it take to kill that thing?”

  “Twenty hits,” said B24ME.

  I cursed. Clive and I would have to get to this point in the game with all of our lives and our ships doubled up. I didn’t see how that was possible. We spent another age attempting just that, and finally, both of us now little more than robots, we managed to get into just the right position to win the game. We won and both appeared back in the arcade, but not before being subjected to pain that went beyond any of the other pain we had experienced while playing the game. Clive and I immediately collapsed to the ground, our bodies nothing more than jelly.

  I managed to say something along the lines of, “Ugh et ower?”

  Clive responded with, “Forg dat astard.”

  I don’t know if B24ME was being merciful or if he just wanted us back in shape so we could truly experience the next round of torture, but he let us regroup, remaining silent the entire time.

  When Clive and I finally got back on our feet, B24ME said, “Now, wasn’t that fun? Are you ready for the next challenge?”

  “Can we have a break?” said Clive.

  “I already gave you a break,” said B24ME.

  In all this time, I had not been able to concentrate on finding a way out of this situation. I had no clue how we were going to get off The Show and out of hell, and I doubted I would ever discover a way. I believed B24ME would torture us for all eternity and cursed myself for getting us into this mess.

  “Come on, B24ME, we’ve been at this forever. You can’t give us a day off?” I said.

  B24ME didn’t answer.

  “B24ME?” I said.

  No answer for a while and then, “Sorry, Turd Fondler. We are having some technical difficulties. You know, if you had given me a bigger budget, we wouldn’t have had to skimp on things, and we wouldn’t be having this problem.”

  “What problem?” I said.

  He did not answer.

  “Thank God,” said Clive, patting me on the back. “Hopefully, he is gone for good.”

  “I doubt it.” I looked around the arcade, wondering what Clive and I should do. I remembered the girl in that moment and had a strong desire to get back to the barn to check on her. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Clive and I exited the arcade, finding ourselves in a large, brooding city full of basalt buildings that stretched up high to the roof of an enormous cavern. In the sky I saw hordes of demons flying. Around us, on foot, I saw aliens of all shapes and sizes, all beset by demons with whips and other implements of torture, all being treated to a variety of horrors. Something told me Clive and I did not want to be in this place.

  “Let’s go back in the arcade,” I said, grabbing Clive by the arm and pulling him back.

  “Yeah, good idea,” said Clive.

  I tried to open the door to the arcade, but found it wouldn’t budge.

  “Oh shit,” said Clive.

  I turned and saw a twelve-foot tall
demon with a nasty whip, standing ten feet from Clive and me, a cruel grin on its face.

  “Well, looky here,” growled the demon.

  I bolted, Clive chasing after me. We tore through the streets of that miserable place, desperately looking for somewhere to hide, the demon hot on our tail, taunting us every step of the way, promising to treat us to many terrifying “delights.”

  Several times he lashed out with his whip, striking us with that miserable device. Still we ran, and eventually found an opening in the wall of the cavern, a dark tunnel big enough for Clive and I, but not big enough for the demon. We raced into the tunnel, a tunnel with barely enough light to see, and ran right into something I cannot fully describe, a worm of some sort, six feet in diameter, its gaping mouth filled with needle-like teeth. We ran right into that mouth and that mouth closed on us, those teeth tearing into our flesh, killing us almost instantly.

  A flash of light followed, and then Clive and I found ourselves back in the park. I looked around frantically, praying there would be no demons or other horrors in the park and felt some small amount of relief when I saw no signs of trouble.

  “Climb to the top of the fort,” I said to Clive, thinking we needed to be somewhere that offered a good view of our surroundings. Clive and I raced up to the top of the fort and scanned the area, seeing nothing out of sorts.

  “We’ve got to get out of this place,” said Clive, panting and sweating profusely.

  “Yeah, but how?” I looked out of the park, across the road and to the barn and noticed the girl coming out of the barn, heading our way.

  The Deevil

  “It’s the girl,” I said, pointing.

  Clive looked at the girl. “Who is she?”

  “My wife.”

  “You’re married? You’re just a kid.”

  “We’re not kids, Clive. Well, maybe in hell we are, but you and I are quite old.”

  “How old?”

  “I’m not sure. Let’s go down and meet her,” I said.

  We climbed down from the fort and approached the road. The girl was running toward us, and I could see someone far behind her, the horned man in the red leotard, pitchfork in hand. He looked like he was skipping.