Spike Milligan

by Spike Milligan

  I myself would have been one of these as in World War Two I was serving as a bombadier on a gun firing on Cassino when unexpectedly the gun position was bombed by US planes killing many of us and the effect on me was debilitating. I didn’t want to go on I reported sick, by which time I was stammering very badly, I was seen by a psychiatrist who told me I was suffering from battle fatigue. In World War One I would have been considered a coward. Fortunately medicine has marched forward since shooting one’s own men to ‘straighten the line’. I was sent to hospital and given treatment for men like me I was given deep narcosis and this consisted of putting the patient to sleep for ten days. When this was done I felt much better but the psychiatrist told me I could ‘never go back to the regiment as I might be unreliable’.

  I am telling you all this because in fact these soldiers shot for cowardice were in fact suffering from battle fatigue, some people don’t accept it. General Patton slapped the face of a soldier simply because he wasn’t apparently wounded in the classic military way.

  On the strength of what I have told you I think you ought to give a free pardon for all those men who found that they could not just ‘go on’.

  I do hope this letter will facilitate you that these men were harmless but not made of the right stuff as they say. I was one of them.

  Sincerely,

  Bombadier Milligan 94024

  19th Battery Heavy Regiment

  The Editor

  Daily Mail

  17 March 1998

  Dear Sir,

  Like you I was horrified at the intention not to give posthumous pardons to those soldiers who were shot in World War 1. I have written to the Minister of Defence telling him, as I am telling you, that in World War 1 I would have been shot, because after eight months of combat I broke down in battle this time they did not shoot me they treated me for what they called Battle Fatigue.

  If they had shot me the world would never have had the Goon Shows or any of my books and I wonder how much talent was latent in those men who were shot and died in World War 1.

  Please God they will reverse this very stubborn stupid decision. In passing I would like to mention that during the war I was mentioned in Dispatches.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  [Spike hurting.]

  17

  Love, Light and Peace

  Thames Television

  London WC2

  5 February 1969

  My Dear Spike,

  I was very sorry to read in an Irish paper that your Dad has gone to his rest. I suppose it is some little comfort that you saw him so recently. My sympathy to you.

  Eamonn Andrews

  Eamonn Andrews Esq.

  Thames Television

  London WC2

  6 February 1969

  Dear Eamonn,

  Thank you for your letter. Yes, he had a great life though and he died without any pain, so it wasn’t that hard. Anyhow, thanks again.

  I must come and ruin another one of your programmes sometime. I am specialising in this gradual destruction of television.

  Hope all is well with you.

  As ever,

  Spike Milligan

  Anthony Greenwood Esq.

  Minister of Housing & Local Government

  London SW1

  28 February 1969

  Dear Tony,

  It is great to have a Minister of the Crown send me a hand written letter.

  Despite all the shouting and yelling I think the present Government is bloody good; whoever I write to, even Harold Wilson he always answers the letters right away, and in this time restricted world I can’t tell you how good it makes me feel to think that our Government are not just politicians, but also human beings.

  I think that the Government is winning its battle with the money problem, the last trades figures were very good.

  Of course, the banks who are basically non-political and obsessed with personal profit really deserve the 8% bank rate.

  I am glad you liked the painting, I don’t know how I do these things, I certainly can’t take any credit because I don’t find it difficult, so I suppose God makes people to do things to bring pleasure to his fellow men.

  I am dictating this letter over the phone, because I am in bed with Chinese flu, or Japanese lurgy, otherwise I would have written this by hand.

  Thank you very much, once again, and my very best wishes to you and your family.

  As ever, semi loyal Socialist,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence

  Derek Marks (Editor)

  Daily Express,

  25 June 1969

  Dear Mr Marks,

  Through the columns of your paper, may I thank you for affording me the opportunity to appeal for funds for Ted Ayres, (The dustman who died in a fire trying to save children), because as a result of this within four days of the appeal in your paper, we received over £1,000.

  Once again may I thank you, and all those people who helped financially.

  Yours sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Notting Hill

  London W10

  Dear Mr Milligan,

  I would like to thank you so very very much for the kindness and understanding you have shown to me after the loss of my dear husband. I cannot find enough words to say how grateful I am to you and all the wonderful people who have donated to your appeal. I only wish it were possible to thank each one of them for their kindness, but most of all my thanks go to you for everything you have done to make things easier for me and my little boy.

  I am,

  Your sincerely,

  Barbara Ayres

  Sir Bernard Miles

  Mermaid Theatre

  London EC4

  29 September 1969

  Dear Bernard,

  Thank you for the tickets for Richard II and thank you for the dinner; but I can’t say that of that very up-tight woman who sat between you and I. She needed her arse kicking for a good six months.

  But, everything else was fine.

  Regards and Love,

  Spike Milligan

  Sir Bernard Miles

  The Mermaid Theatre

  London EC4

  14 April 1970

  Dear Bernard,

  Thank you for yours of the 16th along with the article on mutations.

  Like you, I get a great overburdening weight of frustration at the way, rather a direction, that man is going. The scientists seem to think that they are going to solve all the problems, and brother, don’t we know they are wrong? It would appear that rather than think in terms of birth control to reduce malnutrition, they have assumed the belief that one day they can turn mountains into protein and serve portions of mountains to the starving world.

  And then there is, and this is most important, a limit to the number of scientific computations possible on this planet, in other words, there is a limit to the world’s commodities because one cannot manufacture anything from nothing; the basis of all scientific experiments is material.

  Anyhow, there is a general shift of emphasis made possible by the ordinary man in the street (and brother this means you and I), starting to disagree with people like the Ministry of Agriculture who would go blindly on spraying crops with poisonous chemicals and not stop to investigate the possibility of poison in them. It is small societies such as Soil who have put pressure on the big boys, and has led to the banning of DDT (I am glad to say I am a member of Soil).

  So, Bernard, there are small victories starting to come. So keep fighting.

  Love, Light and Peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Sir Bernard Miles

  Mermaid Theatre

  London EC4

  22 June 1970

  Dear Bernard,

  Lying in bed on Saturday night I decided that I would drop you a line saying how much I appreciate your image in the world of the theatre. You have done immense good in the face of competition from th
e big West End theatres, and you have survived. This is no mean feat.

  I realise that Lady Miles also played a big part in this and she too I hold in great regard.

  Apart from this your attitude as a human being is one of great feeling for fellow men (though the bastards don’t deserve it.)

  Well that’s that off my chest.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  [What happened? The lovely Mr Milligan treating me as a human being. Where’s the monster?]

  Punch

  London EC4

  8 October 1973

  Dear Spike Milligan,

  I’ve just been rereading ‘Puckoon’ yet again, and I wanted to rush out and tell someone that it really is one of the great comic novels of all time. Why waste a comment like that on someone who hasn’t written the book? So now I’ve rushed out and told you. Every time I think of that book, I fall about with respect and envy.

  Yours sincerely,

  Miles Kington

  M. Kington Esq.

  Punch

  31 October 1973

  Dear Miles,

  I never dreamed that one day while sitting in a bungalow in Cyprus I would receive a letter from Punch congratulating me on a book I had written. Thank you.

  I will be in Australia next January, perhaps you would like to write to me there about ‘Adolf Hitler – My Part in his Downfall’.

  Love, Light and Peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated over the ’phone from Cyprus

  [A German soldier wrote to Spike for information. They formed a friendship which lasted for years.]

  Hans Teske Esq.

  Milton Keynes

  21 July 1975

  Dear Hans,

  Apologies for the delay in replying I have been away on tour. Actually I was delighted to get your letter, although as a result of the war – I went in a fit man and came out a neurotic.

  However, I’m a Christian, and would like to go on being one. Therefore, what can I do to help. If you ask me specific questions I will try and answer them.

  The information you have given me is that you were from January/March near Bou Arada. I was an OB Post Signaller in those days so I was with the Infantry most of the time. Can you tell me what Divisions you were in during that time? Or what Battle Group you were in, were you the Korps Gruppe Webber.

  Will you let me know and maybe we can meet in London and we can have a talk.

  On the 1st November, 1975 my battery have a re-union at the Printers Devil in London, starting at 6-30p.m. would you like to be our Guest. It’s nothing special, just eating, drinking and talking. Do let me know.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence.

  Mr Terry Georgas

  Pendle Hill High School

  Wentworthville

  New South Wales

  Australia

  14 July 1976

  Dear Terry,

  Time is so brief. I cannot fulfil the complete request, but I will do it in brevitas.

  OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL WALLS

  Leaving school is the second stage after leaving the womb. In both cases each move introduces a lesser degree of security. There is much more friendship inside school than exists in the outside world of commerce and industry. At school there is no financial gain in doing lessons well, therefore the students are not in financial competition with each other. In the world outside survival depends solely on money. Therefore in that world finance is more important than Christian ethics. Consequently, the standard of relationships is not as human and sincere as one would like, or rather Jesus would like, but if Jesus came again he would not recognise the place.

  Therefore when you go forth into this financial amphitheatre you will be conjoined in a much less pleasant world than school and a long way from the security of the womb. However, one can survive at a very cultural level despite the fact that one might not earn as much money as one wished. What I am saying, is that Chopin’s Etudes might be enjoyed much more by a poor person than a rich tycoon. There is no saying that a book by T. E. Bates might give greater pleasure to a dustman than Lord Hailsham. The postulation is, we should divide the physical world of money and not let it destroy those sensitivities that appreciate morning rain, trees and all those natural things which come around us with no need to earn a penny.

  Therefore, in summarizing, go into the world to earn your bread, but remember that man cannot live by bread alone.

  Love, light and peace.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  John Bluthal Esq.

  New South Wales

  Australia

  19 October 1977

  Dear John,

  Just to thank you very much for looking after my Mother on the trip. I am very grateful to you, and you really are a very fine human being, but just fucking temperamental. Still as you are Jewish you can’t have it all ways.

  Love from the bionic comic.

  Spike Milligan

  Gough Whitlam Esq.

  Parliament House

  Canberra

  Australia

  20 December 1977

  I am desperately sorry to see you go. It’s a small consolation, but it’s a human one.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Mr & Mrs Eric Worrall

  The Australian Reptile Park

  New South Wales

  Australia

  27 November 1978

  Dear Eric & Robyn,

  I was absolutely stunned and felt very very humble when I got your card saying that you had named a walk-away after me. In life there are some things we would like to be remembered by, and strangely enough there would be three things in my life (1) I would like a mountain named after me or a tree, or a part through a woodland; so your little walk-around in a nature reserve has made my wish come true, so I can cancel the mountain and the tree (I did start building a mountain because no buggar seemed to want to name one after me, so I was doing it myself). I must have left some kind of impression in Woy Woy for such a thing to be bestowed on me.

  You might laugh at this, but an Abo Cave across The Rip has also been named Milligan’s Cave by an Anthropological Team at Sydney University, when I managed to coax them to go and do an archaeological dig there, during which they turned out quite a few pieces of Abo Artifax. If you want to know what they were, write to John Clegg, at the Sydney University.

  Anyhow, you and your work are often in my thoughts, as all other lone rebels who fight the cause of conservation around the world, which as you know is very critical. I hope to be over in Australia soon, and of course, I would love to have one of those Woy Woy dinners with you, and Tass Drysdale, and other people who I like.

  I am not sending a Christmas Card, this letter will be in lieu of it, anyhow, Merry Christmas to you sweltering in the Bush, while I am out here scraping the frost off my knickers.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  Lord Miles

  Mermaid Theatre

  London EC4

  4 November 1980

  Dear Bernard,

  I am dictating this over the telephone, hence the typing. How generous of you to send Shelagh and myself such a lovely present.

  I do treasure your friendship, and I don’t think I have said that to more than half a dozen people in my life. I saw the mention of your old house in St Johns Wood going up for sale again. I remember those distant days you were among the few people who recognised the talent of Peter Sellers, and may I say myself, and you invited us to dinner at your place. I will never forget that evening it was almost like a painting by Rembrandt, I remember too the farm implements on the wall, and I remember we had red wine, and that was enough for us all.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. I already love James Cameron, the last time I saw him we had dinner together in Nairobi
, he is a great horizon of a man, dotted with limitless interesting objects.

  P. P. S. Did you know that DOG can be spelt C-A-T, but it’s pronounced CAT.

  [One of Spike’s dearest friends. They exchanged lunatic letters. All their lives. One of their daughters was getting married.]

  Mr & Mrs Lawrence Drizen

  London W1

  16 February 1983

  Dear Lawrence and Esther,

  ROMAN CATHOLIC WEDDINGS

  (a) Inclusive of Church, Priest, and two bags of rice ...... £38.50.

  (b) Priest with assistant, and one extra bag of rice ...... £40.00.

  (c) Catholic Priest, with Jewish accent, assistant and four bags of rice ...... £50.00.

  (d) Roman Catholic Shidduch, purple silk to cover Roman Catholic Statue (£1. extra), records of Frankie Vaughan singing Have Nagilah ...... £3.10.

  (e) Frankie Vaughan Live ...... £10.00.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Lawrence Drizen Esq.

  London W1

  10 April 1984

  Dear Lawrence,

  Things must be desperate when you have to go as far as South Africa to borrow writing paper; you say ‘your money is safe’ in ENGLAND.

  Regarding my daughter’s wedding in the local Synagogue, news is they are going to pull it down ‘Woodside Park’, and me, your local Goy is trying to save it.

  The reason for its possible demolition is shortage of Jewish attendances, at the moment we are trying to keep it going by smuggling in Irish Catholics, disguised as Jews, send help – just one genuine Jew might turn the balance.

  Anyhow thanks for sending the money, it’s about to go on (a) my daughter’s wedding, (b) my daughter’s wedding, and (c) my daughter’s wedding. If only you had had a son, this would never have happened.

  Love, light and peace to you all,

  Spike Milligan

  [This is true. He did try to save Woodside Park Synagogue.]

  [Lawrence Drizen had asked Spike for a donation to support Israel in the Six-Day War. He donated, but on the condition the money went to healing the wounded.]