by A. R. Wise
“Time heals all wounds, babe.”
“That’s a big old bag of bullshit you’re throwing around,” I said and then chuckled. “I’ve got a belly full of cancer that’ll prove you wrong on that one.”
He didn’t have a retort, and just kneaded my shoulder as he held me.
“I’d give anything to have her back,” I said in reflection. “To hear her voice, her laugh, or to see her smile. Hell, I’d even like to listen to her yell at me.” I managed to find a glimmer of humor in the thought, and Zack chuckled with me.
“That girl used to yell,” he said as if in admiration.
“Yes she did. Remember when she and Arthur first started dating?”
“Oh yeah,” said Zack with a knowing smile.
“They always used to sneak away, and when I’d call her on it she’d get so mad at me. She’d scream and yell about how I was treating her like a little kid.”
“And I remember how you’d make poor Annie tag along with them all the time.”
“Didn’t do much good,” I said. “Kim still managed to get pregnant.”
Zack nodded and said, “Yeah, but that’s how we ended up with David, and I wouldn’t trade that little guy for anything in the whole world.”
“Me neither,” I said as the thought of my grandson brought a smile to my face. After another moment of quiet reflection, I sighed and said, “We’re supposed to die first. That’s the way it goes. We’re not built to handle it the other way around. It just… It just breaks us.”
“You’re a lot of things, but broken isn’t one of them. I know it hurts. I know it hurts so bad that it seems like you’ll never stop hurting, but you and I have a lot of life left to live, and we’ve got some damn fine memories that we’ve still got to make. We’ve got Annie, and we’ve got Arthur, and we’ve got David. And we’ve got each other.”
“For how long?” I asked, allowing my solemnity a sarcastic edge. “I’m wasting away, Zack.”
“You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. You took charge of a group of hard-asses like the Rollers, and whipped them into shape, all while fighting off zombies and a military that wants us all dead. Do you really think a tummy-ache’s going to be what takes you down? I don’t see it playing out like that.”
“I don’t have much fight left,” I said. “I really don’t.”
“Take 90% of the fight out of you and you’re still left with ten times what anyone else’s got. And that’s why you should rethink what you told Annie, because she’s more like you than either of you want to admit. She’s got all the fire and the fight that her mother’s got, and if you two start going at each other you damn well might tear the walls down around us.”
I stiffened, and glared over at him. “Don’t take her side, Zack. You of all people. You know why I…”
“I know, and I understand, but that doesn’t mean you’re right.”
I looked away and dismissed his point. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“I know you don’t, but we’re still going to talk about it. Your daughter’s right. She’s the best person for the job, and Ben’s not a bad pick to go with her.”
“We barely know him.”
“And ever since we have he’s been busy trying to get himself killed protecting us. He’s a good guy, and I’ve got all the confidence in the world that he’ll protect Annie.”
I was flustered, and simply responded, “No, Zack. Absolutely not.”
“The only reason you’re against it is because she’s your daughter. How’s that fair to the parents of whoever you decide to send out in her place?”
“I don’t give a fuck.”
He grimaced and said, “Yes you do.”
“No, I don’t. I’ve already lost one child. No one should have to go through that, and I’m not going through it again.”
“So you’re just going to lock her up in a room for the rest of her life?” he asked with pointed sarcasm.
“If I could, I would.”
“And you’re going to make her hate you for it.”
I was so tired, and I wanted to leave the room and never think about this conversation again. “I don’t want to…”
He interrupted me, “I know you don’t, but you have to. You have to let her go, because that’s what parents have to do. They’ve got to be willing to let their kids go off and live their own lives. Annie’s in her twenties, Laura. She’s not a kid anymore. Hell, I’d bet she’s a few years away from becoming the captain of the Rollers once you finally decide to step down. It’s time for you to stop trying to protect her.”
“You don’t…” I couldn’t figure out a way to properly express how angry this made me. “What if she goes, and I die while she’s out there? What if I…”
He tried to interrupt me, “Stop it.”
“No, I’m serious, Zack. I know you keep trying to pretend like there’s nothing wrong with me, even as I waste away into a twig-lady right in front of your eyes. I’m dying. This cancer is eating me from the inside out, and I don’t know how much time I’ve got left. Is it such a bad thing that I want my daughter here with me?”
“Then you owe it to her to say that,” he said. “You can’t dictate her life without telling her why.”
I stated bluntly, “No.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because we’ve all got enough on our plate as it is. She doesn’t need to have my illness looming over her head too. No, and you have to promise not to say anything either.”
“I haven’t told anyone yet,” said Zack. “I don’t plan on doing it now. But even so, I still think you need to reconsider letting Annie and Ben go on this scouting mission. You’re not going to drop dead in a week or two, so let them head up north to try and see what they can find. Being stuck in this prison is hell for a free spirit like Annie. She’s hurting too, just like you are. Give her a chance to go out and get her mind off what happened. Let her breathe a little instead of festering in this sweat lodge with our smelly asses.”
“Goddamn it.” I knew he was right, and it pissed me off.
He could hear the reluctant concession in my tone and he leaned over to kiss my head in consolation. “You know I’m right,” he said as if able to read my mind.
“Did she put you up to this?” I asked, certain that Annie had convinced him to speak with me.
“I love that girl like she’s my own daughter, and I want what’s best for her.” He added, “And for you. And if you don’t let her do this, then you’re going to drive a wedge between the two of you. I don’t want to see that happen.”
I nodded, although still frustrated and uncertain this was the right decision. “Fine. But I want to meet with Ben first, alone.”
“Fair enough,” he said just before someone else started impatiently knocking at our door.
* * *
Ben was with Harrison in the room they shared with two survivors from Vineyard. Harrison had healed from his injuries, but he didn’t look well. I never asked how old he was, but guessed that he was in his sixties, and the extent of the injuries he’d sustained when Jerald attacked Vineyard had a lasting effect on his overall health. While the younger victims of the attack would likely heal completely, those of us that were middle-age and beyond were discovering that our bodies weren’t as quick to forget the damage done.
“Hello, Captain,” said Harrison as he lay on his bed, reading a coverless book by the light of a candle.
“Hi Harry.”
His hair was short now, a result of Clyde needing to patch the wounds on his head, and the loss caused his face to look gaunt. His cheeks were sunken and his eyes bore dark rings that hinted at sleepless nights.
I looked at Ben, who was cutting up jerky for his hungry pup, and asked to speak with him in private.
“Sure,” he said with a leery tone. “If you know of a private spot around here, I’d be happy to join you.”
I knew the smoke room where Zack had taken me would already be occupied agai
n, and I didn’t want to fight with the occupants. “We can go outside. I’ll go grab my things and meet you at the front.”
He nodded in agreement, and I could tell he was worried I was upset with him. Ben was a good man, although his history still concerned me. He’d proven himself, and I was certain he was telling the truth about his past, but that made me even more nervous than to think he was lying about it. The idea of an assassin in our midst did little to ease my mind. The prospect of him heading off with my only living child was terrifying. However, there was no one in the Rollers or in the refugees of Vineyard that was better prepared for the harsh world outside our sanctuary. If I were to pick one healthy person currently here to protect Annie on a scouting mission, I would’ve chosen Ben.
I was stopped several times by various people on my way back to my room. One person needed to talk about what she thought was unfair food rationing, and I promised to speak with her later. Another woman was eager to discuss how we needed to set up an area where pets could be kept, because she’d stepped in dog poop in the living quarters too many times. I told her that she needed to bring it up at the next meeting. Abe caught sight of me and raced over to ask permission to go on a salvage run, and I told him to talk with Billy, but he insisted that the former captain kept saying he was too busy. I implored him to keep me out of it, and he left in a huff. By the time I got to my room, I was annoyed and weary. I slammed the door shut and sighed in relief.
“Hey there,” said Arthur. He was on his bed and David was with him. They were drawing with charcoal together, and when David waved I saw that his hand was covered in black.
“Hi Grammy.”
“Hey there buddy,” I said as I approached the bed. “You’re just who I was looking for. Come give me a big hug.”
“He’s got charcoal all over his hand,” said Arthur.
“I don’t care,” I said as I lifted David off the bed. He was getting so big so fast, and I could hardly hold him aloft for long before my strength gave out. I’m certain he left a long black smear on my shoulder, but my clothes were already in dire need of a washing. “What are you two doing?”
“David’s showing me how good he is at drawing,” said Arthur as he showed me the picture. “Billy said that some of the scavengers had found an art store that still had some paints in it, and they were going to bring them back for the kids. David says he wants to be a painter.”
“That’s right,” said David as he flopped back down on his knees. “I’m sick of charcoal. I want to use real colors.”
I moved over to the other bed and sat on the edge. I shared this room with nine other people, including Zack, Arthur, Annie, and David. Space was a premium in the building, and each sleeping area was filled with at least ten people. Blankets served as mattresses on the floors, and it was always a constant debate each night as to which weary Roller or refugee would get one of the two proper beds in each room. I don’t remember the last time I slept on an actual mattress.
“There’s been so much going on,” I said as if in apology. “With the plans for the new settlement and how every single person in this place seems to have a different idea of how we should run things.” I groaned and then laid back, taking the rare opportunity to relax on the bed. This room was rarely empty, and being in there with just Arthur and David felt like a mini-vacation. “I miss being with you guys.”
Arthur’s leg was still in a cast. Clyde had tried to take it off a week ago, but Arthur’s bone hadn’t set properly. We didn’t know how much longer he would need to be bound up like this. “Leading the Rollers must feel like a dream compared to an entire settlement,” said Arthur as he adjusted his odd position on the bed, flopping his leg to the side.
I chuckled in agreement. “No shit. I used to think I had it tough dealing with Billy, but the petty crap I have to deal with now…” I groaned and cursed under my breath. “Half the time I feel like screaming at them to just figure it out for themselves.”
“I can imagine,” said Arthur. “I don’t envy what you’ve got to deal with. Have you thought about asking for Bonnie’s help?”
“I did,” I said while still lying on the bed, staring at the yellowed ceiling tiles. All of ceilings in the rehab center were discolored by excessive smoke from the candles that we used for light. The windows had been sealed and blocked for protection and to prevent any patrolling helicopters from seeing light coming from the building, meaning that we needed candles even in the middle of the day. “But I think Beach handled most of the squabbles in Vineyard. Bonnie’s a great person, but she’s too nice to lead.”
“Then who’s going to lead them once we get their settlement going?” asked Arthur as he helped his son with the drawing.
I didn’t have an answer, and just muttered, “Good question.”
“Maybe you should,” said Arthur.
I laughed as if he were joking and said, “Yeah right.”
“I’m serious.”
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Laura, you know I respect you, and I don’t think there’s anyone I’d rather have leading the Rollers if we’re headed to war, but I also know there’s not another person on this planet I’d rather have watching over David. He’s going to be stuck in this settlement with the Vineyard folks until our war’s over, and I’d feel a lot better if you were there with him.”
I was flustered, angry, and obstinate. “I’m not staying out of this war. I’m going to hunt down the piece of shit that killed my daughter, and I’m going to…” I wasn’t sure what I’d do. “He’s going to pay for what he did.”
“So you think killing Jerald would be more important to Kim than taking care of her son?”
“What?” My anger mounted. “Why would you say that? What’s wrong with you? Don’t talk to me about what…”
He interrupted me with a sharp and fierce tone, “Laura, stop. I’m not trying to pick a fight with you. I’m sick of starting fights I can’t win. All I’m trying to do is figure out what’s best for my son, and having you there to take care of him would make me feel a hell of a lot better about leaving him.”
“Then maybe you should stay at the settlement with him,” I said and immediately regretted my tone.
“I’ll have this cast off in a week or two,” said Arthur as he regarded his bound leg. Clyde had fashioned a cast out of plaster of Paris and gauze, which was a talent he’d become quite adept at over the years. The Rollers were often breaking bones, although the inability to get injuries x-rayed meant that limbs would frequently emerge from their prisons with newly formed bends and knots that would hamper the victim for the rest of their lives. Despite how optimistic Arthur was that he would be fine by the time the Rollers went to war, I wasn’t so sure. “And I’ll be ready to fight by the time we’re heading out. I’ll be fine, and not just pretending to be fine while I waste away, like some people we know.”
The way he looked across the room at me hinted at knowledge that he was hesitant to convey. After a moment of tense silence, I asked, “What did Zack tell you?”
“Nothing,” he said. “But he’s the worst liar I’ve ever met.”
Neither of us wanted to discuss the truth about my health with David in the room with us. “It’s complicated, Arthur. Don’t jump to conclusions.”
“Fair enough,” he said without looking up from the picture that David was drawing. “Just do me a favor and think about what I said.”
I got up from the bed and felt my back and shoulders aching as I did. Laying down, even for a moment, had been a respite my body direly needed, and getting back up again was harder than I’d expected. “I’ve got to go.” I crossed the space between us and kissed David on the head before giving Arthur a hug. “I love you two.”
“And we love you,” said Arthur and his son agreed.
I grabbed my coat and left, feeling more uncertain about our future than ever before. Nothing was easy, and it would only get harder before the end.
3 – One More Night
Ben Watanabe
“You again?” asked the guard at the entrance. He was sitting behind the receptionist’s desk in the waiting room. This building had been designed with a set of double doors that led to a small vestibule before the exit. In the old world, this could prevent unwanted visitors from getting in before the entrance could be locked, but also kept patients from easily escaping. The electronic locks no longer worked, but the manual ones did, and anyone that wanted to leave the center was required to sign out and back in again when they returned. This way the Rollers could make sure no one in the facility was missing. The majority of the people staying at the center never left expect to go to the outhouses, but I was frequently asking the guards to look the other way as I wandered around outside. “We’re not supposed to let you…”
“Laura’s meeting with me outside,” I said before the guard could finish his protest.
“The Captain? Why?”
I shrugged and sat down on one of the musty couches beside the registration desk. There were pamphlets in a plastic container on the end table that were still in surprisingly good condition. Most of the magazines and books of the Red world had been claimed by people eager to recall the world we’d lost, but these brochures for the rehab facility had been left alone. I took one out and began leafing through it. They discussed addiction, and the damage it could do to a family, and I thought of Harrison who was still struggling with his own demons.
It took Laura longer than I expected to get to the entrance, and by the time she arrived I’d already finished reading the brochure. She apologized, and then we both signed out before the guard unlocked the exit.
We stepped out of our shelter and into the bitter cold. It was always a surprise to me just how warm it was inside of the building, a side-effect of the quantity of bodies within. Of course, I’d rather deal with the cold than a building full of bickering people. I hoped that Laura was meeting with me to give her blessing to the idea of Annie and me heading out on a scouting mission. I needed to get away from this glut of humanity.