Damaged Goods

by Helen Black

  ‘If you had no one in the world to take you in, what would you do?’ asked Miriam.

  Lilly thought for a second. ‘I’d go home.’

  Max fumbled for his key. His need had grown throughout the course of the journey from a craving to a compulsion. His habit was no longer a pleasing vice but a fixation that enslaved him. He sprinted across the room, arm outstretched towards his pipe, knocking a pile of videos to the floor.

  ‘Careful there, Max, don’t want to spoil your product.’

  Max spun round, his hand automatically retrieving his knife. He gasped at the sight of Gracie’s ghost looming above him.

  ‘I don’t understand this, you’re dead,’ he whispered.

  A luminous mist swirled around the ghost. ‘Don’t think so.’

  Max shook his head and blinked repeatedly. How could this be happening? He looked again into the woman’s face and the incandescence ebbed away. At last he realised it wasn’t Grace.

  ‘Kelsey,’ he choked.

  She stood before him, her features as sharp as her mother’s, her skin almost translucent from time in prison. She looked from him to the videos strewn between them.

  He noticed pink patches of new skin around her mouth where the scabs from the bleach must have fallen off.

  ‘Baby,’ Max whispered.

  Her eyes bored into him, challenging, accusing. She wasn’t the biddable child he had known. She even stood differently, with her shoulders back. Jail time had obviously toughened her up.

  She pointed to a camera left carelessly on the sofa. ‘I thought this was finished. You said you’d had enough.’

  Max nodded frantically. ‘I had. I still have had enough but I need to get out of here, baby, and this is my ticket.’

  Kelsey shook her head. ‘No more, Max.’

  ‘This is the last one, I swear.’

  ‘How many times did you say that to Mum?’ she said.

  He put his hands up in acceptance. ‘That was different. This time it’s for real. One more and I’m out of here.’

  ‘No, Max, this stops right now.’ She opened her arms to encompass the videos and equipment. ‘Get rid of this lot and leave.’

  He nodded vigorously. ‘That’s my plan, baby, burn everything just as soon as this last one is over.’

  They stared at one another, Kelsey’s eyes full of anger and hate, Max trying to work out how best to get through to her.

  ‘I’m getting a lot for this,’ he said. ‘Serious dough.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘And I’m gonna split it with you,’ he said. ‘Give a share to you and the babies now your mum ain’t here to look after you.’

  Her eyes didn’t waver, not even a flicker. ‘I can’t let you do it.’

  Max cocked his head to one side. ‘Meaning?’

  ‘You know exactly what I mean.’

  Their eyes locked together, both refusing to look away.

  ‘People like us never grass,’ he said.

  ‘Don’t push me, Max. I never said a word before cos of Mum, but she ain’t here any more.’

  ‘And what do you think she’d say if she was?’

  Kelsey didn’t answer, so Max answered his own question.

  ‘She’d say let him get this out of the way and it’ll be finished for all of us.’

  The fire in Kelsey’s eyes extinguished and she turned towards the door.

  ‘This will never be finished.’

  Faced with the sight of number 58, Lilly felt cold. The drive to the Clayhill Estate had been fuelled by the need to find Kelsey, and Lilly had not even considered how she would feel returning to the place where she’d been attacked. Now that the door was in front of her, she was frightened.

  ‘You okay?’ asked Miriam.

  ‘It’s just a place,’ said Lilly, but she didn’t move.

  Miriam patted Lilly’s arm. ‘You stay here. I’ll check whether she’s inside.’

  Miriam passed in front of Lilly and opened the door. The corridor was as empty and dark as it had been on the night Max had forced her inside.

  ‘I’m your worst fucking nightmare.’

  It was still too hot for more than a T-shirt but Lilly was freezing, each muscle shaking, sweat pouring down her back.

  She saw the knife coming towards her.

  ‘I’m your worst fucking nightmare.’

  What if he was there now? Her friend would be chopped to pieces. She tried to warn Miriam but once again she was paralysed by fear, the sound of her heartbeat resounding like thunder in her ears.

  Miriam was now at the end of the hall, moving nearer and nearer to danger. Lilly opened her mouth to scream, willing the sound from the pit of her stomach, but nothing came and Lilly was forced to watch Miriam disappear into the bedroom.

  A few seconds went by, maybe four, maybe five. Enough time for Miriam to check the room and leave. Enough time to be forced down onto the bed and bled like a halal goat.

  ‘I’m your worst fucking nightmare.’

  ‘No, you bastard, I’m yours.’

  Lilly hurled herself into the hall and ran towards the bedroom. She threw open the door and looked wildly around the room trying to make out the shapes in the dark. At last she saw two figures on the bed. One was Miriam, who appeared unhurt and had her arm around the other. When her eyes became accustomed to the gloom Lilly could see it was Kelsey.

  ‘It’s all right, you’re safe now,’ whispered Miriam. At first Lilly thought the words of comfort were directed at her, but now she could see Miriam was speaking to Kelsey. ‘I know you’re frightened and you think you’ve come to the end of the road, but I’m here.’

  Miriam pushed Kelsey’s hair off her face and held it in her hands. ‘My son was just like you. His name was Lewis and he thought he had no one to turn to, nowhere to go.’

  Lilly swallowed a sob at the raw intensity of her friend’s grief.

  ‘He thought he couldn’t trust me,’ said Miriam, ‘and I will never forgive myself for that.’

  So this was how Miriam felt. When all the jokes and bravado were pushed aside she was still completely bereft. Lilly would feel the same if it were Sam.

  She breathed in a huge lungful of air. ‘Miriam, don’t.’

  Miriam continued to look deep into Kelsey’s eyes as if Lilly hadn’t spoken.

  ‘Every day of my life I turn it over and over in my mind. What could I have done? How could I have stopped him? And the conclusion I come to is always the same. I could have stopped running around like a headless chicken, doing this and doing that, and taken the time to listen.’

  Lilly could bear it no longer. If she couldn’t distract Miriam she’d engage with her client. ‘What are you doing here, Kelsey?’

  It was a rhetorical question. Lilly didn’t imagine there was a simple answer, and anyway, she hadn’t given Kelsey the means to write anything down.

  ‘I wanted to be with my mum.’

  The words hit Lilly like a punch. The voice, calm and clear, was neither Lilly’s nor Miriam’s. Kelsey had spoken.

  Lilly kept her own tone neutral. Now was not the time for accusations. ‘When did your voice come back?’

  ‘Tonight. I went to see Max and it just came out,’ said Kelsey.

  Lilly reeled backwards. ‘You went to see Max!’

  ‘I know Kelsey’s got to answer a lot of questions but now is not the right time. And here is definitely not the right place.’

  It took Lilly a second to register that it was Miriam who had spoken, and she didn’t react until Miriam spoke again.

  ‘Let’s get her back to Leyland House before the police get here.’

  When they arrived at the pretty cul-de-sac Lilly was surprised to see Sheba leaving Leyland House.

  ‘Just the woman,’ Lilly called. ‘I’ve got Kelsey here, and as soon as we’ve got her settled back in I need to ask her some questions. It would be fantastic if you could sit in.’

  Sheba regarded Lilly coolly, her forehead pinched into a frown. ‘She
can’t go back to Leyland House.’

  Lilly felt winded, as much by Sheba’s frostiness as what she had actually said.

  ‘She has to, otherwise they’ll send her back to prison,’ Lilly managed.

  Sheba shrugged. ‘I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about that.’

  Lilly felt a flash of anger. These children weren’t dolls, you couldn’t just put them down when you got fed up of playing with them.

  ‘You have a responsibility to Kelsey.’

  Sheba’s icy detachment left her as she too became angry. ‘Don’t you dare lecture me about responsibility. I worked my butt off to get Kelsey out of jail and I pulled a huge favour to get Kelsey a place here. Paul is absolutely furious.’

  Paul Collins’ feelings were the least of Lilly’s concerns. ‘It’s supposed to be a place for damaged kids, so he needn’t get bent out of shape because one of them does something a bit loopy. I think he should expect it from time to time,’ she said sharply.

  ‘Correction, Lilly, this is supposed to be a secure place for damaged kids, and your bloody client has shown that’s not the case,’ said Sheba.

  ‘Can’t they just sort it out?’ asked Lilly, a lot less sure of her ground.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure they can, in time, but until then Leyland House can’t be considered secure,’ said Sheba.

  Lilly gulped. ‘So what’s happened to the other children?’

  ‘They’ve been sent elsewhere,’ said Sheba with a sigh, her heat dissipating. ‘Listen, Lilly, I know none of this is your fault. I know it’s not Kelsey’s either. I’ll stand by my evidence that she needs special care, but until Leyland reopens I’m not sure how far it will get you.’

  Lilly heaved herself back into the car. ‘She can’t go back there, it’s had to close.’

  ‘Close?’ asked Miriam.

  ‘Don’t sound so surprised. One of the patients managed to escape out of a window only minutes after she arrived.’

  ‘I’ll take her back to The Bushes,’ said Miriam.

  ‘It’s not secure, she’d be in breach of Blechard-Smith’s order,’ said Lilly.

  ‘I don’t care about a stupid piece of paper,’ said Miriam.

  Lilly shook her head. ‘Don’t be absurd, you’d be sacked, and what would happen to all the other kids?’

  Miriam’s shoulders sagged. ‘So what now?’

  Lilly was out of ideas and pulled out her phone. ‘I’ll call Jack.’

  They met him in the police-station car park.

  ‘Thanks for bringing her in,’ said Jack.

  ‘Not my idea,’ said Miriam with a degree of tetchiness that made Lilly worry that the evening’s events were sending her friend over the edge. The way Miriam had bared herself to Kelsey about Lewis had been so out of character that Lilly wasn’t sure what to expect next. She wanted to protect her friend but feared there might not be enough of her to go round.

  She shook her head almost imperceptibly to warn Jack not to get into it with Miriam.

  He ignored the crack and kept his tone casual. ‘We’ll keep her here tonight and let the judge decide what to do tomorrow morning.’ He put his arm around Kelsey. ‘Come on you, I expect you’re starving.’

  ‘I’ll see you in court, Kelsey,’ said Lilly.

  ‘Indeed you will,’ said Jack, and he led her inside.

  Max was seriously spooked. He’d expected to have to track Kelsey down but she’d made the first move. Now his head was toast. What if she went to the police?

  He’d always thought Kelsey was solid, that he didn’t have to worry about her, but he’d thought that about Gracie once upon a time. He was beginning to question his own judgement. Nah, Kelsey wasn’t as flaky as her mum, didn’t take drugs for a start, which made her a whole lot more predictable. She was pissed about the films but wouldn’t do anything about it. He knew where he was with Kelsey.

  Then again, she didn’t even look like herself tonight. She’d looked just like Gracie. Maybe she was thinking like Gracie too. After all, he knew what happened to a person’s mind in jail.

  He lit a joint and put his keys in the ignition. He didn’t normally drive and smoke. First, this was good weed that demanded to be enjoyed in comfort, preferably with a chilled soundtrack. Second, the old bill would smell it if he got pulled, even the fat traffic lemmings knew the smell of skunk these days.

  But Kelsey had fucked with his karma and he’d had to use three rocks just to even himself out. Now he was jangling, his edges ragged. He never smoked in the car but tonight he made an exception.

  By the time he reached the clinic his mind was muddled and his fears had taken hold. Kelsey being on the out was bad news. It would end with them all getting caught, just as Gracie had predicted.

  Max had done time before. Short stretches here and there for small stuff, but he’d hated every minute of it, banged up with some psycho or a smackhead doing his rattle, screaming into the darkness. There was no way he could go down for this. Years in Belmarsh would finish him off.

  Then, when everyone found out what he was in for – and you could be sure the screws would put it about – he’d have every lowlife robber and arsonist on his back. The only safety would be in the VP wing with the other nonces. No way, man. He couldn’t do time for this.

  From the outside the place seemed to be in darkness. Only one window glowed with a pale light, which Max assumed came from a lamp. He imagined Barrows alone in the room, like a worm hidden in an apple. His stomach lurched when he realised the light must emanate not from a lamp but from the television. The pervert was watching one of his tapes.

  Barrows buzzed him up.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he shouted as soon as Max opened the door.

  To his relief Max saw the television was off, and Barrows was illuminated by the screen of his computer. It cast his face in a sickly green.

  Barrows lowered his voice but his tone remained threatening. ‘I asked what’s going on.’

  ‘I’m calling it off, man,’ said Max.

  Barrows breathed through his nose as if trying to contain himself but Max saw his fists open and close. ‘You can’t do that.’

  Max shrugged. ‘I can and I am.’

  Barrows leaped to his feet. ‘I’ve paid.’

  Max threw a crumpled envelope onto the other man’s desk. ‘It’s a little bit short. I’ll sort the rest out in the next couple of days.’

  For a moment both men stared into each other’s eyes. Max willed himself not to be the first to lower his gaze and was pleased when Barrows sank back into his chair and dropped his head into his hands.

  ‘Weak, weak, they are all weak,’ he said, apparently to himself.

  At last he raised his head and levelled Max once again in his eye-line. His eyes seemed to Max to be entirely empty, hypnotically so.

  ‘What do you want more than anything else?’ asked Barrows.

  Max answered without thinking. ‘To escape.’

  Barrows closed his eyes again as if contemplating his response, and Max cursed himself for giving anything away.

  ‘And where would you go?’ asked Barrows.

  ‘America.’ Max wondered again why he was telling this piece of filth anything.

  ‘Very well,’ said Barrows. ‘If you bring the girl tomorrow, I will bring you a plane ticket to New York.’

  ‘LA,’ said Max.

  The suspicion of a smile played on Barrows’ lips and he put the envelope back into Max’s pocket. ‘LA it is.’

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Tuesday, 22 September

  The journey to London was very different from the one Lilly had made only two days earlier. She had neither hangover nor headache. She had collected the black trouser suit from the dry-cleaner’s, the one that everyone said made her look slim, and had teamed it with her embroidered scarf. It covered the ugly scab that was forming on her throat and it reminded her of Rupes. Who could argue with that?

  She found a seat immediately and the train sailed into town, depositing L
illy at Blackfriars with sufficient time to buy a coffee from Starbucks. She sauntered to court sipping hot froth through the plastic spout of the cup. It always made her feel deliciously cosmopolitan. Lilly laughed at herself – so unsophisticated, so easy to please. You could take the girl out of Yorkshire …

  When she rounded the corner Lilly saw that Jez was waiting for her outside the Old Bailey, dwarfed by the uniformity of the exterior. His gorgeous face was the only point of interest in the vast expanse of grey.

  The press pack on the other side of the road chatted idly, clearly unaware of the tabloid-bolstering events of the previous evening.

  ‘This is a disaster,’ he said as they passed together through security. ‘Why the hell did she do it?’

  ‘We’ll have to ask her that,’ answered Lilly, and made her way through the belly of the court towards the cells. ‘She should be here by now.’

  ‘They won’t produce her,’ said Jez. ‘They never do.’

  Lilly pressed the buzzer to be let through. ‘Jack McNally said he’d bring her himself.’

  ‘Isn’t he the idiot that lost her in the first place?’

  ‘Hardly,’ said Lilly. ‘She jumped out of a bloody window.’

  ‘Whatever,’ Jez shrugged. ‘Do you trust him to bring her?’

  They heard the distinctive rattle of iron keys as the doors were opened.

  At last the final lock was released with a soft clunk. ‘No doubt about it,’ said Lilly. ‘I’d trust that man with my life.’

  The cell area in the Old Bailey was ancient. Although the security had been updated from time to time it was far from modern and the area held its natural gravitas in every stone. An air of apprehension filled the corridor between the cells as those charged with the gravest of offences waited for their fate to be sealed only feet above their heads.

  The guard used one of at least twenty keys attached to a jangling hoop wider than his fist, and opened cell three.

  Kelsey sat on the floor at the far end. Her skin seemed as grey as the bricks behind her, her eyes every bit as lifeless.