by Louise Bay
She spun in my arms. “I don’t know if I’ll have a job. I don’t know if I’m going to be in London. And I’ve been thinking . . .” She trailed her fingers down the buttons of my shirt.
“Sounds ominous.” I was desperate to lift the heaviness that had settled in the air tonight.
“We haven’t talked about it and I don’t exactly know what you were thinking would happen with us after I left . . . but I think it might be better if we . . . went our separate ways.” She spoke to the collar of my shirt, refusing to meet my eyes. The veins in my neck pulsed like the ticking of a clock.
“What are you talking about?” My face went numb. I dropped my arms and stepped back.
“I think you need to spend some time with Penelope.” She exhaled as if she’d just unloaded a lead cloak from her shoulders.
“Has she been here again? What has she said this time? That you’re responsible for terrorist activity in Iran and her shitty school grades?” I’d told my solicitor that Penelope had been trying to intimidate Bethany’s nanny into leaving. She reassured me that it would count against her in any trial. But of course, no one wanted a trial.
“No, she hasn’t been back,” Autumn said, stepping toward me and cupping my face in her hands. “But I’ve been thinking about a few things.”
Bloody hell. Penelope had got inside her head. Anger revved in my chest like the engine of a racecar before its first lap. “You need to ignore what she said. She’s manipulative and refuses to take responsibility for anything. She needs to remind herself that she walked out on us three years ago. I didn’t even know you then.”
“I know,” Autumn said. “This isn’t about me. Well, not entirely about me.”
“So why are you talking about going our separate ways? Granted, you need to figure out a new job, but I’m here to support you in that. I know you’re young and I’m really trying to hold back because I don’t want to push you too hard too soon, but bloody hell, Autumn. I’d accepted you might not want to live with us, but walking away? Where’s this coming from?”
She dropped her hands and closed her eyes as if she were trying to blink away reality. “I think it’s for the best.”
The blood in my veins sped up and gained force. “This isn’t what’s best for me. So, what you mean is, this is what you want.” I fought against my instinct to leave her there and disappear into my workshop. I needed to stay and convince her she was wrong.
“I want what’s best. For you.”
“That’s you. I want you.” Perhaps I should have been clearer earlier, but I’d thought it was understood between us that what we had wasn’t just a passing affair or some kind of transitory romance. It was more than that. It was . . . like she’d been made for me.
“You’ve said how you thought you and Penelope and Bethany were a perfect family—just what you’d always wanted after the childhood you had. And then Penelope blindsided you. You were devastated.”
My family had been less than perfect. I’d accepted that there was no such thing. “Things happen, Autumn. I thought our marriage was something it clearly wasn’t. I’m trying to move on.”
“Penelope isn’t a bad person,” she said as if she hadn’t heard me. “And she’s desperate to try to make things right again.”
“She doesn’t have a time machine. So there’s no making things right.” It was almost as if people didn’t understand what had happened. My lawyer was the same: Penelope was sorry. Penelope wanted to be in Bethany’s life. Penelope wanted. She’d given up her right to want anything the day she left.
“Everyone deserves a second chance, Gabriel.”
“Says who?” It was such a ridiculous saying. “If you murder someone, you don’t get a talking-to and told not to do it again or there’ll be trouble. You go to prison—partly so you can’t do it again.”
Autumn looked up at me. “Penelope didn’t murder anyone. And I’m not saying you should give her a second chance just because she deserves it. I’m asking you to do it for you. She’s Bethany’s mother and your wife. You need to give yourself a second chance at having the family you’ve always dreamed of. I don’t want to be the person who stands in the way of that.”
I tried to let her words soak in. Didn’t she understand that it wasn’t Penelope I wanted, wasn’t Penelope I saw completing the family in my dreams? “But I love you.”
I’d not said it before, but I’d felt it from the moment I saw her at Dexter and Hollie’s place. The feeling hadn’t been small. It hadn’t been subtle. It didn’t start as some seed and grow tall—it smacked me around the head and left bruises. I’d tried to ignore it. Deny it oxygen. Beat it back. But it refused to give up.
I didn’t want Penelope. I didn’t want anyone else. I loved Autumn.
Autumn put her head in her hands, covering her face so I couldn’t see her reaction. Silence thundered between us, stretching the few centimeters between us into a valley.
She didn’t say it back.
I knew she felt it. But she didn’t say it back.
She dragged her fingers from her face and exhaled. “You owe it to yourself to give her another chance,” she said after what seemed like hours. “And I can’t be the person who stands between you and your opportunity at having a life you always dreamed about, Gabriel. I can’t be the person that stops Bethany’s mother from being with her.”
“You’re not,” I said.
“I don’t want to be an excuse.”
“An excuse? What, you think I’m getting an itch scratched with you, so I don’t need to take my wife back?”
I hated the way she winced when I spoke. I’d never seen the expression on her face before—like she was in pain and didn’t know how to heal.
“I don’t want to be the reason you don’t try to make it work. The reason you don’t give your wife and the mother of your child a second chance.”
“Even if you weren’t here, I wouldn’t take Penelope back.” I’d made that decision the day she left. I wasn’t going to subject Bethany to the merry-go-round of Penelope coming in and out of our lives. She left; she’d have to live with that decision.
She looked me in the eye. “You said you loved me.” She said it like a question.
“Yes. I love you. I think I’ve loved you since we met, though I wouldn’t admit it to myself.”
She blinked again and again and again. “Then do it for me. Do it because I asked you to. Try again with Penelope.”
“This is insane. I’m not going to take Penelope back. Us not being together won’t change that.”
“Prove it,” she said.
“You want me to call her and tell her?” She was shaking her head before I got the words out. “Then what? Tell me what I need to do to prove it to you and I’ll do it.”
“Try to make it work. Spend time with her. Take her to dinner. On a date. Remember why you married her. Try to picture that family you had in your imagination when you were a child and do your best to recreate that.”
“You can’t be serious.” I didn’t understand what she was saying. Why would giving Penelope a second chance be for her? It didn’t make any sense.
“I have faith in you, Gabriel. You think you saw second chances go horribly wrong when you were a kid, but you’ve been breathing second chances into every piece of furniture you restore. Every time you strip the varnish off an old desk or replace the hinges on a bookcase, you give that piece of furniture a second chance. It’s inside you.” She reached out and placed her hand on my cheek. I knew in that moment that there was nothing I could do to change her mind.
I wanted to sink into that feeling of her soft skin against mine, wanted to drink it in and commit it to memory. I’d do anything to make her stay.
“If I try and it doesn’t work, then what? I spend the rest of my life wishing for you?”
“I’m away for a month, Gabriel. Not even in the same country as you. Give it time. You all deserve some time to get to know each other again.”
“And then
?” I knew I’d miss her as soon as she closed the door.
“Don’t think about the then. Just be in the present this summer. I’ll see you at Hollie and Dexter’s wedding.”
“What? That’s weeks away.”
“It’s really not long at all.”
“But we can talk and—”
“Please, Gabriel. Don’t think about me. Focus on your family. Give it these few weeks and see how you feel then. Do it for me,” she said. “For Bethany. For you. Put your anger aside. See that Penelope isn’t your father and taking her back doesn’t mean you’ve become your mother. It’s not just Penelope that deserves another chance. Or Bethany. It’s you, too. You deserve that perfect family you always wanted.”
Penelope wasn’t my family. Not anymore. “And what if you’re my perfect family? Are you really going to walk away?”
She shook her head and for a moment, I thought she might stay. “What if I’m not, Gabriel? What if you’re meant to be with Penelope?”
She closed her eyes as if she were saying a silent prayer. A shiver passed through me and ice crawled up my spine, paralyzing every movement, every breath, every beat of my heart. And I didn’t know if I’d ever feel warm again.
Thirty-Five
Autumn
I’d been paralyzed by indecision since I opened my laptop last night. I hadn’t slept at all and despite it being five after seven with the light bleeding around the edges of the curtains, I still hadn’t decided whether I should cancel my Eurostar ticket to Paris the day after tomorrow. Maybe I should fly somewhere else. Some place less romantic.
Every click of the mouse and tap of the keyboard was an effort. Someone had opened the tap and drained all my energy. Then they’d come back and frozen any decision-making power.
I’d barely seen Gabriel since our conversation. It was better this way. He had a second chance this way. And I didn’t have to live with the knowledge that I might have been the reason a family didn’t reconcile. I’d spent the week focused on Bethany and settling the new nanny into the role. Last night, when the week was over and the new nanny was settled, I’d loaded my things into Dexter’s car and come to stay with Hollie. I’d left Gabriel a letter, but whatever there was to say had already been said. I wanted him to be happy. More than anything.
There was a flight this afternoon to Madrid. Another tomorrow. There was even one on Thursday to Perth, Australia, and from there it was only a trip up the coast to see Shark Bay. I’d planned to spend the summer in Europe, but nothing about my life was going to plan at the moment.
I struggled into a sitting position and went through my flight options again. Would leaving today be running away? Or simply avoiding the temptation of running back to Gabriel?
The man who loved me. The man I loved so much I’d asked him to try to make it work with his wife.
I hadn’t wanted to go. Leaving had been the most difficult thing I’d ever done. But more than I wanted to stay, I wanted Gabriel to have the life he dreamed of. And whether or not I liked it, that life wasn’t with me.
I wanted him to have what he didn’t growing up—have the dream become a reality. He’d fought me on it. I knew he would. But he’d soften over the next few months. He’d adjust. He’d remember what he’d had with Penelope.
“Is she okay?” I heard Dexter ask Hollie from outside my bedroom door. “I can’t get Gabriel to pick up.”
It would be better to get away soon. Then I wouldn’t be able to waver or weaken or give in to the almost-overwhelming need to run back and tell him that it had all been a terrible mistake, and I loved him so much it caused physical pain to leave.
It would probably be too late anyway. I had no idea if he’d take Penelope back. I hoped he’d try at least. But I was almost certain that he’d never forgive me.
I booked the flight to Madrid. There was no point in staying here. I didn’t want to spend the next few weeks miserable, with Hollie and Dexter whispering their concerns on the other side of closed doors. The weeks leading up to their wedding should be a special time for them. They should enjoy it without worrying about me.
I’d just confirmed my booking when there was a faint knock on the door. “Come in,” I said.
Hollie poked her head in. “I thought you might be sleeping.”
I shook my head. “Not much chance of that. But I’m feeling more positive now,” I lied. “I just booked a flight to Spain. I’m going to be able to spend an entire week there now.”
“Always looking on the bright side,” Hollie said as she came in, her words sounding flat.
“What other choice do I have?” I asked.
“I thought we could go out for brunch,” she said. “Somewhere nice like the Savoy.”
My stomach curdled and I pushed away the memories from the night Gabriel and I had spent there. “Actually, I’ve got a flight to catch. My plane leaves at five.”
“Today?” she said. “We haven’t had a chance to talk or anything. You can’t just leave.”
I nodded. “It will take my mind off of things. And it will be good to go. The weather’s amazing there.” I remembered the advice Gabriel had given—I needed to make sure I put the Thyssen on my itinerary. “I should start packing. You’re okay with me leaving things here?”
Hollie rolled her eyes. “Of course. Do you want me to come with you for a few days? I’m sure Dexter wouldn’t mind, and it might be nice for us to have some time together.”
I smiled at her, grateful for the offer, but she couldn’t solve this for me. She couldn’t salve this wound. I wasn’t sure anything could. Maybe time. Maybe distance. The first was out of my hands, but I could jump on an airplane and try to get some miles between me and the man I loved. Try to take the edge off this hot ache I carried in every muscle and bone. “No, honestly, I’m looking forward to it. It will be an adventure.”
“Why Spain? I thought you were going to start in Paris.”
“Too romantic,” I said, standing and pulling out the case I hadn’t even unpacked yet.
“Maybe I can come out one weekend? Dexter could come too . . . or not.” Hollie’s voice wobbled.
“I don’t want you to worry,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m going to be fine. Us Lumen sisters always land on our feet. And I’m going to attend any weddingy stuff via video call. It won’t be a problem.”
“I don’t care about the wedding. I just hate to see you sad.”
“I know,” I said. Usually, I’d deny it. Plaster a smile on my face. But Gabriel would tell me that it’s okay for things not to be okay sometimes. And now was one of those times. “But you know what? I get to see you marry Dexter. That’s more than enough happiness for both of us.”
“You’ll definitely be back for it?”
My eyes widened. “Of course. As if I’d miss it. And I’ve got to come back and deal with my job situation. Or my lack of one.”
“So you’re for sure not leaving London?”
I couldn’t promise anything. Frankly, I’d go wherever I got a decent job. But I didn’t need to tell Hollie that. “How could I?” I asked. “You’re here.” I needed to leave for now. I needed space to breathe, and for time to do whatever it was time was supposed to do.
“Wherever you are, I’ll be there for you. You know that, don’t you?”
“I’ve never been in any doubt,” I said, plunking down in her lap and pulling my arms around her. Maybe that’s why I could always see the bright side? Because however murky things got, my sister was always out in front, finding a way through the darkness.
Thirty-Six
Gabriel
From where I was sitting on the sofa, I sorted through emails and watched Penelope play with Bethany out of the corner of my eye. The irony was bordering on comical. Penelope had picked out the wallpaper in this living room. She’d said she liked the green, as it reminded her of springtime. She’d probably forgotten. Now, she was just an unwanted houseguest.
The new nanny had said I didn’t need to wo
rk from home today and that she’d had experience with supervised visits from parents in our situation before. But there was no way I’d leave Bethany alone with a stranger who’d been working for us for just a few days. So I was here. With my ex-wife and my daughter in a corrupted version of what my life was supposed to have been. And on top of that, I was trying to forget that it had probably been Penelope’s unscheduled visit that led to Autumn leaving. I was trying not to hate Penelope even more than I did.
My soon-to-be ex-wife was sitting cross-legged on the rug, playing a memory game with Bethany. The new nanny was hovering beside them and Jade sat and observed.
Bethany was giggling at the game in front of her. “Daddy, look,” she said, holding up one of the small cards. “The monkey is wearing lipstick.”
“It looks like your mouth when you’ve eaten an ice lolly,” I said. “Find the other matching one.”
She knew exactly where it was. “Here,” she said, picking up one of the cards lying face down on the floor. She didn’t even check it was the monkey before she held it up to me. She was smart and confident. Yes, definitely my daughter.
“Clever girl,” I said.
She shrugged and allowed Penelope to take her turn. She didn’t make a pair and I couldn’t work out whether or not her mistake was deliberate.
“I’m bored,” Bethany said. “Daddy, please can we go to the swings?”
“You don’t have to come,” Penelope said before I could respond. “I can take her. Jade will be there.”
I wasn’t about to leave Bethany alone with her mother. And some time away from my laptop would be good. “Come on then,” I said to Bethany. “Get your jacket.”
Bethany had her coat and shoes on in record time. I grabbed my keys from the kitchen drawer and herded everyone out.
“Did you pick up your phone?” Penelope asked.
I’d forgotten it but I wasn’t going to let Penelope think she’d helped me remember. “Don’t need it,” I said.
Penelope chuckled. “How times have changed.”