by Louise Bay
“I’d like to make up for it,” she said. “I just want a fair shot at a second chance.”
I pulled in a breath. From what I could see, Gabriel wasn’t giving out second chances to anyone.
“You must understand this. As another woman.” She looked up at me, desperate for me to do something that would help.
I nodded. “I don’t make any of the decisions around Bethany. That’s all up to Gabriel. I’m just the nanny.”
“The thing is, I’d be happy to look after her while Gabriel’s at work.”
I wasn’t sure how she wanted me to respond. She couldn’t think I was going to hand Bethany over and go to the spa for the day, did she?
“If you think about it, Bethany doesn’t really need a nanny now I’m back.”
Oh God, was she trying to push me out of the job? She didn’t know I was leaving anyway in a couple of weeks but even so, there was no way Gabriel would just let Penelope take over. “I don’t know what to say. You need to talk to Gabriel.”
She thrust her hands into her coat pockets. “You’re fucking my husband.” She said it so matter-of-factly. Like it was as obvious as the sun rising in the morning.
“I think you need to leave.” I went to close the door and her arm snapped out to stop me.
“I don’t want to cause trouble,” she said. “But from what I can see, it’s you standing in the way of me and my daughter. Me and my family. Do you see that?” she asked. “We’re still married, and that means something. He never asked for a divorce. Not in all these years. I know he would take me back if . . .”
She didn’t need to finish the sentence. I could fill in the gaps. She meant that if I wasn’t around, she would be able to fit back into her old life with Gabriel.
Gabriel would deny it. But maybe it was true.
Had he really not asked for a divorce for all these years? He’d been adamant about not giving Penelope a second chance, but if that was really true, why hadn’t he cut legal ties sooner? Why was the man I was sleeping with still married to a woman who left him three years ago?
It didn’t make sense.
I stayed silent, the unanswered questions chipping away at my defenses.
“Gabriel’s a good man,” she continued. “I’m not sure if it’s serious between you or just convenient.”
Convenient? I might live under his roof, but I was his best friend’s future sister-in-law. And his employee. There was nothing convenient about me as far as Gabriel was concerned.
“But he’s my husband.” She emphasized the word as if I couldn’t possibly understand what she was trying to say. “I’m Bethany’s mother. And you seem like a nice girl. Do you want to live the rest of your life knowing you broke up a family?”
“You need to leave,” I said, as calmly as I could manage. There was no point in having this conversation. I needed to shut the door, get away from this woman, and organize my thoughts.
“If you weren’t on the scene, we’d all have a chance at being together,” she said. “You’re ruining Bethany’s chance of having her mother and father together. Of spending time with her mother, rather than the hired help.”
“I’m going to shut the door,” I said, my jaw clenched and my shoulder poised to ram closed the black door. I wasn’t the one who walked out on my family three years ago. She was trying to push the blame of what she’d done onto me. And I knew it wasn’t my fault.
“Do you really want to live your life as a homewrecker?” she asked. Her manner wasn’t menacing or threatening, but the implication was. She was telling me I was the problem. She was telling me I was ruining her life, Gabriel’s life, and Bethany’s life. Part of me knew it was manipulative, but was it possible for her words to be manipulative and true?
“I’m sorry,” she said, stepping back. “Like I said, I don’t want to cause any trouble. I know I’ve made mistakes and bad decisions. I just want my family back. I don’t want to miss any more of Bethany’s life.” Her voice faltered at the end of the sentence. She looked desperate. Like she was really remorseful.
It was hard not to feel sorry for her. Yes, she’d walked out three years ago and not been back before now. Yes, it was her choice. But now she was here, and she was trying to right her wrongs. She was trying not to compound her mistake. She was fighting for what was hers. How could I blame her?
“Penelope, this is a conversation you should be having with Gabriel.”
Her gaze dropped to her feet like she knew that wasn’t the answer. “That’s the theory,” she mumbled. “Like I said, he’s a good man, but he doesn’t forgive so easily.”
“He’s trying to protect Bethany.” And himself.
“Sometimes people don’t make the right decisions,” she said. “I didn’t when I walked away. But if Gabriel doesn’t let me make it right, won’t that be a bad decision too?”
Would he be more forgiving of Penelope in different circumstances? If he hadn’t watched his mother forgive his father over and over and over, only to be let down and betrayed every time, wouldn’t he think Penelope deserved forgiveness?
And if I wasn’t living here. If I wasn’t sleeping with him. What if?
“I think you should talk to him. Like you said, he’s a good man.”
“Are you a good woman?” she asked. She put her hand up to stop me answering. “I’m going, don’t worry. But ask yourself whether or not you can sleep at night, knowing you ruined Bethany’s chance of having a mother and Gabriel’s chance of having his wife back.” She turned and walked up the street. I watched her, fingering the neck of my sweater.
Had I taken her place? And if I walked away, would it leave a vacancy she would fill? Would my absence force Gabriel to finally, at long last, give someone a second chance?
Thirty-Three
Autumn
How didn’t I know until now how awesome libraries were? They were particularly awesome if you wanted to know everything there was to know about travelling in Europe.
I glanced around to find nothing had changed in the hours since I’d last looked up. There were still a couple of librarians behind the main desk, none of whom ever seemed to speak to each other. There was a man on the computer on the far side, behind the thriller hardbacks. And the desk in front of me was still covered in piles of travel books.
All I knew was that I was definitely starting in Paris. Nope. A flight to Amsterdam. That would be better. And then on to Copenhagen and Stockholm. The pictures of Stockholm looked so different from London. That would be good. I would need distance by the time I left.
“You going travelling?” A bearded guy with a weird accent asked as he approached my desk.
I nodded. “Can you tell?”
“Make sure you’ve got Oz on the itinerary.”
“Because I want to see the wizard?”
“Not that Oz.” He chuckled. “Australia.”
“Oh wow, no. I’m staying closer to home.” London did feel like home to me now. Maybe it was because Hollie was here. Maybe it was because I was so pleased to be out of Oregon. Maybe it was because of Gabriel. But I couldn’t think about him right now. “Just around Europe this summer,” I said. “I take it that’s where you’re from—Oz, I mean.”
“Absolutely. You can’t tell from the accent?” he asked. “But if you’ve not been down under, then make sure you put it on your list,” he said, pointing at the notebook I had open. “And don’t leave out the west coast. Shark Bay, mate. Best place on earth.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll make a note of that.”
He saluted and carried on walking, taking his books to the circulation desk.
Shark Bay? I’d never even heard of it. And I hadn’t even considered going to Australia. Europe had always been the plan. It was still. I had two weeks left before I was due to fly out, and I’d been putting off the planning for too long.
The conversation with Penelope had brought with it a lot of questions. I still didn’t have answers. But burying myself in travel books was a goo
d distraction until I decided I wanted to figure out what was next.
My phone flashed with a message from Hollie. What am I doing outside the Shoe Lane Library?
I scampered to gather up my things. I’d lost track of time and forgotten I was supposed to be meeting her.
I emerged from the basement level to find Hollie outside, looking up at the sky.
“You okay?” I asked.
She snapped her head straight. “Fine. I didn’t even know this place existed.”
That was one of my favorite things about London. There was just so much of it. And it came in layers. The touristy sites—the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, St. Paul’s Cathedral—would take a couple of weeks if you did nothing else. Then there were the lesser-known things to see, like Portobello market, the Inns of Court, and Banqueting House, that would take months to do. Then there was everything else. The web of interesting things that bound the city together. Thousands of places that would stay hidden unless you tripped over them. One of the few buildings to withstand the Great Fire, the house Benjamin Franklin lived in, the street Dickens based Fagin’s lodgings on. I loved it all.
“London’s old but there are always new things to discover,” I said.
“I’m so hungry. Where are we going?” she asked, linking her arm through mine. “I don’t come over this way a lot, so I have no idea where to eat.”
“Up here,” I said as we headed up the hill. “We’re going toward Smithfield Market.”
“Eww, isn’t that a meat market?”
“It should be gross but it’s really beautiful. Look,” I said, pointing at the huge building ahead that looked like one of London’s Victorian railway stations, rather than a working meat market. “It’s beautiful.” The building was trimmed in ironwork that had been painted in purples and reds and greens. Statues kept watch from the roof.
“It’s like a meat palace,” Hollie said. “London is a strange place at times.”
“I’m pretty sure anyone who came to the Sunshine Trailer Park would say the same thing.”
We couldn’t have been further away from Oregon if we’d tried. And we’d tried.
“So, how come you’ve been in the library? You studying for something?”
“Planning my trip. It’s coming up soon,” I said. Sooner than I’d imagined it would.
We arrived at the restaurant and pushed through the dark red door before settling into a table toward the back.
“I came here once with Gabriel. Make sure you check out the back of the stalls. It’s a little shocking to my delicate sensibilities.” There were pictures—subtle ones—of women’s vaginas hung on the back of each door. The British were quirky.
“How intriguing. I think. As is your trip to the library. Tell me more.”
“Nothing to tell. Just planning my trip.”
Hollie scanned the menu, but I could tell she wasn’t taking it in. “I thought you might not end up going.”
“I know you did.” I pulled the napkin from the table and put it in my lap.
“Does this mean you definitely are?” she asked.
The waiter came over and took our order. When he left, Hollie looked at me expectantly.
“I guess. I’m just so confused about everything. I really care about Gabriel and Bethany. And honestly, if it was just that simple, I probably wouldn’t go.”
“But you have to think about your goals in life,” she said. “You don’t want to regret not travelling.”
“There’s that.” I’d be crazy to turn away from the opportunity to fulfil my dreams. Unless those dreams had changed, and something had shifted. When I fantasized about travelling around Europe and seeing the gigantic world outside of Oregon, it was because I wished for more. It wasn’t because now I didn’t want to go to all those places and see all the wonderful things Europe had to offer. I did. But being in London faded the desire to spread my wings further. A little at least. And being with Gabriel—well, it showed me what else there was to want.
“What else is there?” Hollie asked.
“I got a visit from Gabriel’s . . . What do we call her? Wife? Soon-to-be ex-wife?”
“Let’s just stick with Penelope. What did she have to say?”
I gave Hollie the highlights.
“She’s insane if she thinks you’re standing in the way of her and her perfect life,” Hollie said.
“I know. But at the same time, there’s part of me that thinks she deserves a second chance.”
“You think if you weren’t around, Gabriel would just say, no problem, y’all, just move all your things back in and let’s pick up where we left off?”
I knew it was more than just me standing between Penelope and her second chance. It was Gabriel’s past as well. But I was concerned that with me in the picture, he’d never make the effort to face his demons and give the mother of his child a chance she deserved. “No, but maybe there would be a chance for things to be different. I guess we’ll find out soon enough . . .” I laughed but it was hollow. Like a cough in an empty theatre. “Maybe it would be better to have a clean break.”
“I thought you were serious about him.”
I’d hoped I could have Gabriel and all these new experiences too, but maybe that was just greedy. I should be more than happy with an opportunity to travel to a dozen different countries. That had been my ultimate dream at one point.
“I know I wasn’t all that supportive of you being with Gabriel at first, but over these last few weeks, I’ve seen how happy you are. How happy you both are. I was beginning to believe that it might be serious between you—serious enough that you’d both be willing to sacrifice things to make each other’s dreams come true.”
“You’re talking in fairytales,” I said. “We both know life doesn’t work like that. We have to figure things out and work around obstacles.”
Hollie groaned. “Not always. I’m living proof that the fairytale is real. You were the one who convinced me not to give up wanting it.”
“I’m not giving up,” I said. I wasn’t sure that was true. This morning, I’d woken up before the sun and gone downstairs to find coffee. On the way, I’d watched Bethany asleep in bed. She was the most beautiful little girl, and she deserved the best of everything. “I just want what’s best.”
“For who?” Hollie asked.
“For everyone. I’m just considering whether I should take a step back. Can you imagine if Bethany turned around to me in fifteen years and said, if you hadn’t been sleeping with my dad, my parents would never have divorced.”
“You’re talking like you’re the reason Penelope left.”
“No, I’m talking like I don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t stay.” The more I talked about it, the more I realized I had to go. Not because I wanted to see the world. Not because I wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t resent Gabriel in twenty years because I hadn’t left. But because he needed me to leave so he could reach out and give his family a second chance.
“Is your guest room still available? I think I’m going to need a place to stay before I start my trip.”
Hollie grabbed my hand. “Are you serious? Of course. Always. But, Autumn, are you sure?”
I nodded. It was clear to me now that I couldn’t stay, and more than that, I had to leave with my whole heart. If I went with the promise of returning, Gabriel would never confront his past. He’d never give Penelope a chance.
I needed to help him. I needed to show him—show us both—that he needed me to leave. I just hoped I was strong enough to walk away.
Thirty-Four
Gabriel
I closed the door behind me and sniffed the air, taking in the smell of cooking spices. Friday nights had fallen into a routine where Autumn cooked us a curry and I brought home some great wine to have with it. She’d been busy helping Hollie with the wedding recently, and I’d missed her.
“I’m home,” I called, dropping my coat onto the rack and parking my documents case by the hall chair.
She nodded and I pulled her into my arms as she got to the bottom of the stairs. She didn’t mold against me as she usually did, instead pressing her hands on my chest. “I need to get our chicken out of the oven.”
“Can I help?” I asked as I toed off my shoes and padded after her.
“It’s all done,” she said.
Was it me or was she avoiding my gaze? “What did you do today?”
She sighed as she slid the hot dish onto a trivet. “Usual thing. Nursery, then we went for a walk around Lincoln’s Inn Fields.”
Something was definitely up. On any normal day, Autumn would be bubbling over about Lincoln’s Inn. About the “quaint” buildings and hidden walkways. It was the kind of place she loved. But today there was no enthusiasm in the way she spoke. Perhaps she was worried about the new nanny starting, although I’d offered the job to the woman Autumn had recommended and raved about. Maybe she’d had some bad news about the interviews she’d been going on.
“You hear anything about the analyst job at the investment bank?” I asked.
She shook her head as she pulled out another dish from the oven and set it on the side. “Nope. They won’t be making a decision for weeks yet. Said they’ll let me know.”
“And Bethany’s okay, because you would have told me if she wasn’t.”
“Yes, she’s happy as usual, although Bear Bear is in need of a few stitches under his arm. I have to do it before I go.”
Hearing her talking about leaving was like a dull punch to my gut. I hated the idea that she was going to be away for an entire month.
“I’m going to miss you,” I said, circling my hands around her waist as she stood at the kitchen side. “How will I cope?” This time she leaned against me, letting her body relax against mine. “I shouldn’t be so selfish. You’ll be back in just a few weeks. And you’ll have a job by then and—”