Under the Stars

by Chelsey Nichole

  “Colton.” My voice was weak and raspy, and I almost didn’t recognize it. “Colton,” I said again, a little louder this time.

  His head shot up. He opened his mouth to yell for someone, but I put my finger up.

  “Just hang on.” I took a breath. “Just you … and me,” I breathed. It took all the energy I had to speak.

  “Oh my god, baby.” He kissed my cheeks, my eyes, my forehead, and lastly my lips. His kiss on my lips lingered and I welcomed the familiar way his skin felt on mine. “I thought I’d lost you. I thought …” He took a deep breath. “I thought you were dead.”

  I shook my head as I put my hand back on his face. “Don’t,” I breathed, “cry.”

  “Baby, I couldn’t help it. You called me and I heard them shoot you!” He gripped the bridge of his nose with his other hand. “I got on my bike, in my Armani suit, and I raced to where you were. You laid there, next to your car in a pool of blood.”

  I scrunched my eyes together. What a sight that must have been.

  “I prayed so hard, begging God to have mercy on me, begging Him to let you live. I told Him I needed you. He’d just given you back to me … how could He take you away so quickly?”

  “I’m here,” I whispered.

  “I know, love. I know you are.”

  I placed my hand on my now empty stomach. The pain was raw, but welcomed. It reminded me that it was real.

  “I know, baby. I know.” He took a deep breath. “I love you so fucking much and I swear to god, I’m going to hunt those motherfuckers down and I’ll make them pay for what they did to you. What they did to our baby who we will never get to meet.”

  I shook my head. “No. Karma,” I couldn’t elaborate but hoped he understood. They’d get what was coming to them.

  “June has called and has been up here almost every day. It’s almost six, but I can call her now if you want me to?” he whispered, grabbing his phone out of his pocket.

  “No, just you.” I scooting over on my side. “I need to ...” I took a deep breath. “I need to feel you.”

  He smiled, and part of me thought he needed it too. I’d missed him. I’d missed feeling him by my side, smelling him, loving him.

  He climbed into the bed, carefully spreading his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I cringed at the pain that radiated through my stomach. “Khlo. No, babe, I’m hurting you.” He pulled his arm off me.

  “No, please, it’s fine,” I whispered.

  He put his arm back on me, carefully, and after just a couple of moments, I felt his breath even out. He must have fallen asleep. I felt his chest rise and fall on my upper back as I closed my eyes. Before too long, sleep took over, and I knew I would be okay. I knew we would be okay. We would make it.

  “YOU’RE NOT GOING BACK to work,” Colton said as he helped me pack my stuff. I was finally discharged from the hospital. Three weeks after I had woken up, but I had made a tremendous recovery. I was fully talking again, and I could walk fine, but the doctor wanted me to continue the physical therapy.

  “Colton,” I said, folding the last of my clothes and putting them in my suitcase. “I have to work.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I have things to do. People depending on me.”

  “Well,” he said, zipping up the suitcase, “looks like those people will have to depend on other people.”

  I didn’t say anything. I’d agreed to wait to go back until I got in physical therapy and things got a little more normal. I did need to make a full recovery, but I didn’t want to shove my work on anyone else for too much longer.

  After we’d finished packing up, Colton took my two, small suitcases by the door to take down while we waited on the nurse to come and get us.

  He walked over to me as I sat on the bed. He took my face in his hands and gently pressed his lips against mine. I relaxed as I kissed him back. He pulled back but didn’t take his hands off of me. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Khloe.”

  “Me too,” I smiled.

  “I don’t know what I would’ve done if I couldn’t kiss you anymore.”

  I laughed. “That’s it?”

  He smiled, putting his hands now. “Well, of course, having you here is a huge plus and I have to have you here to kiss you.”

  I pretended to hit him on the arm.

  “Man, not even out of the hospital and you’re already tough again.” He paused as he leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. “Don’t ever leave me again,” he said as he tilted my head up to meet his gaze. “You have to spend the rest of your life with me. At least another fifty years. I won’t take any less.”

  “Deal,” I whispered as I heard a light tap on the door.

  We both looked over at the nurse with a wheelchair. “Sorry to interrupt. Are you ready to go home, Ms. Williams?”

  “Of course.” I smiled as I slowly got up, turned around set down in the chair. The nurse came around so I could see her and opened a folder.

  “I have some paperwork for you to sign before we can take you down to your car.” She flipped through some papers, then handed me a pen. I acknowledged that I had to have a check up with my doctor in four days. From there I would continue my physical therapy. I signed all the paperwork, handing them back to her. She tucked her folder under her arm as we all made our way down to Colton’s car.

  It was a silent drive to his house. Both of us seeming to be deep in thought. I couldn’t be too sure of his thoughts, and I’m not quite sure I even wanted to know or ask at this point, but all that was replaying in my head were the what ifs. What if I couldn’t get pregnant anymore? What I lost a third child? Losing two had been tough, enough to tear your heart and soul out, I wasn’t sure I can survive going through this again. And there was no way in hell I could watch Colton, the love of my life, go through it again.

  We wouldn’t survive it.

  I wouldn’t survive it.

  We pulled onto his driveway as he pressed the garage door opener. He pulled the car in, turning the motor off and closing the garage door. I opened my door, but Colton stopped me.

  “I’ve got it, Colton.”

  “I know you do. But I enjoy taking care of you.”

  I smiled as he helped me out of the car and shut the door behind me. He helped me into the living room, sitting me down on the leather chair. Walking was still uncomfortable, but I was tough. He didn’t have to know how much pain I was in.

  He fixed me glass of water and set it down next to me before giving me the remote. “Let me get your suitcases and then I’ll fix you something if you’re hungry.”

  I smiled. “No thank you.”

  A moment later I heard my suitcases on the hardwood floor of the kitchen. I turned on the TV, mindlessly watching some show that was on. Colton sat down on the couch next to the chair I was sitting in.

  “Khlo, move in with me. Let me take care of you.”

  My breath hitched. “Where’d that come from?” I looked over at him.

  “I’ve just had a lot of time to think about it and I want you to move in with me. I want you with me always. Not having you around feels lonely.”

  “Colton, I can’t right now.”

  “Why not? You were practically living with me before all this mess happened.”

  “Colton, I just lost our child.” My heart was breaking all over again; my soul crumbling. “Everything is just happening too fast, okay? We’ve been apart for a while, so don’t you think we should get to know each other better? What if I can’t give you a child, Colton?”

  It was a reality I thought I’d never experience. Never being able to give him a child.

  It hurt.

  It rocked me to the core.

  He got up and kneeled in front of me. He grabbed my hands in his after wiping a tear. “Khlo, I don’t care about all that.” He squeezed my hands. “I mean, the pain that I feel, that you feel, is real and it hurts like hell. But children are not a deal breaker for me. Having a child or children would be awesome,�
�� he lifted the corner of his lips, giving me a weak smile, “but I want you. I want you here with me forever, Khloe. I don’t ever want to go another second without you.”

  I looked down at him. He was gorgeous. He was so good to me and I didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve someone who couldn’t give him children.

  “I can’t, Colton.” The tears flowed, landing on our locked hands. “It’s too soon.”

  I looked up and watched a single tear fall from his eye.

  “You can,” he whispered. “You can do this, Khloe. I’m right here. This is a loss to both of us, not just you. This was my child too.” He put his hand on my stomach. On my empty stomach.

  “Don’t.” I swiped his hand away. “Don’t do this, Colton. I’m just not ready.”

  He stood. I could feel his intense gaze on me. The air between us was thick. “Khloe,” his voice was stern, demanding, “if I can’t have children with you, then I don’t want children. It doesn’t matter, Khloe. You can’t get rid of me. Doesn’t matter.”

  I took a deep breath. We were still getting to know each other when this happened. My heart hurt so much. It hurt for our unborn child, for our relationship, for me, for him.

  “I don’t want you to marry me and then later when or if it’s confirmed I can’t carry, you end up hating me, or resenting our marriage. I don’t want you to feel like you need to be with me because I was pregnant or because I miscarried.”

  “I want to be with you because I love you, Khloe. I wouldn’t marry you for any other reason.”

  No matter what I said he wouldn’t see it from my view and I wouldn’t understand his. We stared at each other, neither one of us saying anything. After an uncomfortable couple of minutes, he walked towards the kitchen.

  “I need to clear my head. I’ll be back.” I heard the door open, then close. I stood up, slowly, taking my time walking to the kitchen. I needed to call June to come and get me.I found my purse and right next to it was a blue box. A ring box.

  My heart fell to my stomach. I grabbed my phone out of my purse and quickly dialed June. I needed to get out of this house.

  I was suffocating.

  The walls were closing in.

  This was too much, too fast.

  “SO, WHAT IS GOING on with you two?” June asked as she drove off.

  “He’s ready to marry me. He wanted to take a drive and clear his head and set the ring down by my purse.”

  “Did you open it?” she asked, glancing over to me.

  “No.” I looked out the window. “I’m just not there yet, I guess. I mean, I just lost our baby, again. I was shot in the stomach. What if I can’t give him kids?”

  “Kids are a deal breaker for him?”

  “No, he said he didn’t care.” I looked over at her. “But what if he ends resenting me or our marriage because I can’t give him kids?”

  “Do you really think that’ll happen?” June asked as she turned into her neighborhood.

  “It very well might.”

  “Well, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it, but why prepare for a battle you don’t even know is going to happen?”

  I took a deep breath. “Because there is a possibility it could happen, June. He deserves to be a father.”

  She pulled into her driveway and put her car in park. “Khloe, he doesn’t hate you,” she said, turning to look at me. “I don’t think that man is capable of hating you. The way he looks at you is,” she paused looking for the right word, “magical. It would make anyone rethink true love. He loves you, Khloe.”

  “I don’t question his love, June. This is just too fast for me. I’m broken. Utterly broken. Everything inside of me hurts. My bones, my heart, my soul. It’s an unbearable pain. You have no idea what it feels like. I’m just not ready for this.” I opened my door.

  She walked around the car and put her arm around me, helping me walk to the front door. “I’m not letting this go.”

  I groaned.

  She unlocked the door and helped me inside. “I put all your stuff in storage. I just gave them your information.”

  “Thank you. Just send me the bill when you get it and I’ll pay it.”

  She grabbed a couple of waters out of the fridge and handed me one, sitting down next to me.

  “I need to shower and I’m getting tired. Can I use your spare bedroom?”

  “Sure. Towels and everything you need should be in there. I’ll lay a shirt and some shorts on your bed.”

  The warm water beat down on my skin. I just wanted to melt away; turn into water and go down the drain. I didn’t want to be in this cruel world anymore. Everything around me was crumbling. Nothing made sense.

  I said a silent prayer. A plea to God to take this ripping pain away from me. I fell to my knees, screaming as I held myself, cursing a God that would take away two babies now. Two innocent, precious babies who were meant to be in my life. Made so I could hold them, love them, and protect them.

  I was so mad, the hatred bubbling up in me, overflowing even. I screamed louder, not caring if June heard me. Not caring if anyone in this world heard me.

  I heard pounding on the door, then after a moment the door was busted down and the shower curtain ripped open. I couldn’t stop the crying or the rocking. I couldn’t look up. The pain was too intense, too real.

  The arms that picked me up weren’t June’s. I brought my eyes from my knees long enough to see the stubble on Colton’s chin. I tucked my head into his chest and cried harder. He set me down on the bed and wrapped a towel around me. My body was numb. My insides were numb.

  “Get me her meds out of her purse!”

  Colton handed me a small glass of water and a tiny orange pill. “Baby, take this. You’ll calm down. You’ll sleep.”

  Robotically, I grabbed the pill, placed it on my tongue and took a drink of the water, washing it down to be absorbed by my body.

  I prayed that sleep came and I never woke up. That I’d never have to feel this pain and hurt in me again.

  It was unbearable.

  Colton began drying me off and put my shirt on. I stared into the bathroom, unable to look at him. He helped me into the bed and I laid my head on the pillow as he pulled the blankets over me. He laid down next to me and pulled me into his chest.

  “Sleep, Khloe. It’ll all be okay, I promise.” He kissed the back of my head. “I’m right here, baby.”

  My eyes started getting heavy and I welcomed the sleep that took over my entire body. At least while I was sleeping I wasn’t conscious enough to remember what was really going on.

  When I woke, I was by myself. The room was dark except for a light coming from the small lamp across from me. The pain rushed back and I started crying again. The pain was overwhelming. The door opened and Colton lifted me up, holding me. I cried into his shirt.

  “Breathe, baby. Just breathe, okay.”

  I couldn’t. I couldn’t calm myself down. Colton rocked me, shushing me while rubbing my back. I pressed into him, hoping maybe I could morph into him and we could become one. Maybe then the paid would subdue.

  “I know, Khloe,” Colton whispered.

  “The baby is gone! Two babies ripped from me!”

  “It’s okay,” Colton whispered into my now dry hair.

  “It’s not okay, Colton! It will never be okay!” I leaned back, thankful for the small amount of light as I looked at him, taking a deep breath before I continued. “This will never be okay. I’m broken. Everything about me is utterly broken and I’ll never be whole again.”

  “Baby, we will go to therapy and we will work through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.”

  “There’s no light. This world is cruel.” He pulled me into his embrace. I tried to fight him, but I was too weak. “I want to go back to sleep. I want to forget.”

  “Sleeping and taking your pills constantly isn’t the answer, Khlo.”

  “Right now, it’s the only answer that I have.”

  He got
up and walked out of the room. He returned with another small glass of water and my pill. I took it happily and laid back down, letting the sleep take me once again.

  Sleeping was easier than living in the real world.

  I SAT UNDER THE TREE, crying as I brought my knees up under my chin. I wished the ground would open and swallow me whole. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t have a purpose in life anymore. It had been taken away from me.

  I cried harder into my knees. The tears stung a path down my face as I screamed, hoping someone would put me out of my misery. I officially had no one. My parents gave me up, no longer wanting to care for me. Could I blame them? I was hopeless. Everyone who had ever been in my life had given up on me. Never saw me through. Except for my foster mom, but even she had her flaws.

  She didn’t believe that my foster dad, her husband, touched me. Not loving, daughter father touching. Sick, ruthless touching that made me cringe. I cried to her, begging her to believe me and she told me that Frank, her husband, loved me very much and he would never do that. She said I had been through a lot, with my own parents, that my brain was warped.

  She was wrong.

  She just didn’t want that extra check a month taken away from her.

  “Hey,” a soft, small voice in the distance said.

  I snapped my head up, hoping that nobody had come back here. I wanted to be alone. If I were alone, then nobody could disappoint me.

  “Are you okay?”

  A boy about my age, maybe a little older, came into view. I didn’t speak. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t find the words in my throat.

  He walked out from behind a tree and continued walking till he stood in front of me. He had short brown hair with the bluest of blue eyes. I wanted to swim in his eyes. Get lost in them like you would an ocean, except I would never want to be rescued.

  He sat down next to me, putting his back to the same tree trunk I leaned against. I scooted the other way just the slightest. I didn’t want to allow anyone in. I didn’t want to talk.