Things I Couldn't Tell My Mother: A Memoir

by Sue Johnston

  An equerry came up to us. ‘Excuse me,’ he said. I looked at him, sure that we had stepped out of line somehow and were about to be told off. He dropped his voice: ‘I’m not supposed to say this,’ he quickly looked around to check that no one could see him transgressing any professional boundaries, ‘but I’m a huge fan.’ He smiled and walked off. I was delighted.

  ‘Do you think the Queen watches The Royle Family?’ Margot asked.

  I thought about the Queen and Prince Philip and the gang sitting at Sandringham watching the Christmas special. ‘Probably not,’ I said.

  ‘I bet the younger ones do, though,’ Susie added. ‘Prince Harry likes a laugh, doesn’t he?’

  I said my goodbyes to Joel, Margot and Susie, and another equerry took me through into a room where everyone else who was there to receive an award was gathered. We were divided into categories then put through our paces. I had a hook attached to my lapel so that the Queen could hook the medal on, no faffing with pins as I might have imagined.

  ‘You will be called through,’ the equerry told us, ‘then as the person in front goes to receive their award you will take four steps forward.’

  Four steps, I thought, four steps, sure I would forget all of this and collapse in a heap. I’m not a royalist but the sense of occasion and the surroundings made me quite nervous.

  ‘Then when your name is read out,’ he continued, ‘the Queen is addressed as Your Majesty and then subsequently Ma’am, as in ham, not Ma’am as in farm.’

  Mam not marm; mam not marm. Having spent years remembering long lines of dialogue I was sure all of this was going to leave my head the minute the equerry finished speaking.

  ‘Then she will put her hand out to indicate that it is your time to leave. Take four steps backwards, never turning your back on Her Majesty.’

  I was bamboozled. I decided to just follow what the person in front did and hope for the best.

  I heard the Queen arrive and ‘God Save the Queen’ was played. We were to stay in another room until my name was called to go through. Eventually it was my time, and off I went, with a head full of four steps to the front, four steps to the right; mam, ham, spam. I stood waiting my turn, watching the Queen. For everyone in that room it was such a special occasion but I couldn’t help thinking that for the poor Queen it must be like Groundhog Day. Doing the same thing over and over again.

  Then someone read out, ‘Sue Johnston, for services to charity and drama.’

  And up I went, looking at the Beefeaters that lined the hall and thinking it was all very surreal.

  I stood in front of the Queen; it felt very much like being called in front of the head teacher. I noticed that behind her was a chair upon which she’d placed her handbag. I thought this was a nice touch and made me think of my mother who always had her handbag nearby. Although I don’t think that Philip would have been as keen on fetching the bag for the Queen as my dad had been for my mum.

  I approached her and stood before her. There was a moment of fumbling as she tried to hook the medal on to my lapel, which made us both smile, and then I stepped back.

  The Queen looked at me quizzically as if trying to decide if she knew me. Then she said, ‘It must be lovely to be able to combine drama and charity work.’

  ‘Yes, Your Majesty, it is,’ I said, thinking, should I have said Ma’am? ‘Yes, it is lovely to combine drama and charity work.’

  I had just repeated parrot fashion what she had said to me. What was I talking about? I wanted to say, ‘Can I try that again? I must have a better line.’ But then the arm shot out and I had to take my four steps backwards.

  At the end of the ceremony the Queen came through the hall and nodded to everyone. I’m sure she was thinking, Get me a gin and tonic. In the paper next day it said, ‘The Head of the Royal Family meets the Head of the Royle Family.’

  I really missed my mum and dad that day. They were great traditionalists and for them to visit the Palace would have been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And I know that I’ve said that my mother found it hard to say she was proud of me but she would have been as proud as a peacock that day.

  *

  The other and more important big occasion where I sorely missed my parents was Joel’s wedding. Joel married his lovely wife Zoe in May 2010. Zoe and Joel had met at the Grapes pub in Manchester. The Grapes was co-owned by Liz Dawn and Zoe had worked there from the time she was at college. I always thought this was a great coincidence as Liz was a good friend of mine. Unlike me, Joel didn’t know what he wanted to do when he left school, and it took a while to find his path, but by now he really found his passion as a professional photographer. Zoe was the icing on the cake.

  I thought that the choosing of the outfit that I would wear would be fairly straightforward. I had checked with Zoe what the colour of the bridesmaid dresses was to be, and what colour her mother was wearing, and once I had this established I thought that the outfit would buy itself!

  I was determined to look my best and do Joel proud without being over the top. I always remember the story of Raquel Welch, a mother so distraught that her son was getting married, so scared that this younger woman was going to usurp her in her son’s affections, that she turned up at his wedding wearing a black dress. And not just any black dress; a buttock-skimming, cleavage-baring black dress. Imagine!

  I found myself in Vivienne Westwood where I found a blue-spotted dress, it was wonderfully sculptured and would pull me in where necessary. The only problem was that it was sleeveless. When I was younger, if someone had asked me what I thought would be my greatest worry about my appearance when I got older, I would have thought a wrinkly face or saggy bottom. I wasn’t to know that it would actually be my arms – that after the age of fifty-five I would never be able to wear a sleeveless top again, or not with any dignity. So if I was to buy this dress I would need a jacket. They had a perfect jacket to match but they only had it in a very small size. I thought about it for a moment and then just decided to buy it anyway. I would wear the jacket to the ceremony and get a cardigan to throw on in the evening. When I got home and tried on the outfit again I realised that the jacket was so tight that once my arms were in I wouldn’t be able to raise them or lower them during the wedding. I tried to convince myself that this wasn’t too much of a handicap. Why would I need to raise and lower my arms anyway? I thought, conning myself that a jacket I’d poured myself into would be fine.

  The week before the wedding I was in Harvey Nichols in Manchester when I walked past the most perfect outfit. A muted silver-grey dress with a matching long coat from Calvin Klein. Suddenly my Vivienne Westwood seemed far too fussy, I had to have this instead. But then the sales assistant informed me that they didn’t have it in my size. I was devastated. I might have chanced squeezing into a smaller jacket but not an entire outfit. In fear that I might start sobbing, the sales assistant came to my rescue, locating the suit in my size back in London. I went down to pick it up – and while there I popped into Harrods and bought a matching hat and shoes in a matter of minutes.

  The night before the wedding, Susie and I stayed with Joel, his best man and his ushers at Stanneylands Hotel near Wilmslow. We had dinner together and I made sure that the lads were all in bed at a reasonable hour.

  The next morning we got up and headed to the Cheshire countryside. The venue was Sandhole Farm in Congleton, a converted barn overlooking a lake. The outhouses around the barn had been converted into cottages and we were to stay there that evening. It was such a beautiful setting. And unfussy, which really suited Joel and Zoe’s laid-back attitude. Once there we felt cocooned, there was no traffic, it was such a tranquil place. It felt like the whole day would focus on Joel and Zoe, just as it should.

  I headed to my room. From the window was a wonderful view of the Cheshire countryside and the lake. Once changed, a few of us gathered to have a glass of champagne and calm our nerves – I don’t know what I had to be nervous about! When Joel came in I was swelled with pride. I had had
a bespoke suit made for him and he looked so smart and handsome.

  To have something handmade for him was something I really wanted to do and I know that my mother would be very pleased if she could have seen him. Well, I also know she would have asked how much it cost and on hearing the answer would have said, ‘You can get a perfectly good suit in Marks without spending all that!’ but she would have been secretly delighted that Joel was wearing a suit from Savile Row. I’m sure she’d have had a few choice words about me splashing out on Calvin Klein too!

  We went through to the barn, the mood was very upbeat, everyone was in great spirits. I knew that Joel was so happy to be getting married to Zoe and we all felt the same for him. Once we entered the room where the ceremony would take place and I saw all those people gathered for them, I began to brim with tears and I had to concentrate on not crying. Seeing Beryl and Peter really touched me. Having spent so much time with my mum and dad when growing up, Joel had spent a lot of time with Beryl and Peter too. It was so lovely to see my family and friends all in one place for such a happy occasion and I beamed with pride.

  We took our seats. Even though I knew that Zoe was in the building there is still that nervous expectation when waiting for the bride to arrive. The bridesmaids came first. Zoe had her sister Gemma, her two friends and Elizabeth, Margot’s daughter. Elizabeth was beaming from ear to ear. Elizabeth is very special to us all and to have Zoe choose her for that day meant the world to Elizabeth. She had really enjoyed attending the dress fittings and getting to know the other bridesmaids.

  Zoe looked beautiful, like a Grecian goddess. Her dark hair fell loosely on her shoulders. As she walked towards Joel I realised she didn’t have any flowers, which I thought must have been something she’d decided against, until I saw her sister running up the aisle later – she’d left them in her room by accident. Zoe’s dad Kevin is Scottish and was wearing a kilt. In fact a few of the men were wearing kilts so there was quite a bit of leg on show!

  One of the kilt wearers was Andy Hay. Andy had been asked to read as he had always been very close to Joel throughout his life. He chose a passage from Romeo and Juliet and he was very nervous as he wanted to make sure that whatever he chose and how he read was right for Joel. He had also prepared a song but he didn’t perform it; instead he sat straight down after reading. I knew that he had planned to sing as I’d seen him tuning up his guitar. ‘Where’s the song?’ I whispered.

  ‘I thought I might bore everyone!’ he whispered back.

  But when it was time for the couple to sign the register, Joel invited Andy up to sing. He had made up his own version of a Scottish folk song, ‘Marie’s Wedding’, and changed it to ‘Zoe’s Wedding’. He taught us all the words and we all sang with him. It was a perfect end to the ceremony, everyone singing along. I was so happy by then that I was mopping up the tears.

  For me, all the worries and anxieties of being a single mother were washed away. I had often felt that Joel had missed out having a father in his life, being brought up by his mum. But I felt like I didn’t need to worry any more.

  Joel is also a very loved man; he is loyal to his friends and has found a wife with a ‘proper family’ that he has joined. There is Zoe and her sister Gemma and her husband Dave, and their mum and dad Lorraine and Kevin, and they have been exceptionally warm and welcoming to both Joel and me.

  During his Father of the Bride speech Kevin took out a silver goblet. ‘We have a tradition in Scotland,’ he said pouring whisky into the goblet, ‘we share a whisky in a Welcome Cup. We would like to welcome Joel, and in turn Sue, into the McFarlane family.’

  He came around and offered me a drink, I took it and drank. I was extremely touched by this gesture, even though I’m not overly keen on whisky!

  Veron’s daughter Gemma was there too. It was lovely to see her with her husband Alex, who she had married the year before. I felt like my family was all grown up. It was such a magical day and my resounding memory is of a sea of happy faces; I couldn’t have wished for more for my son.

  The evening do was fabulous and we all kicked back, eating, dancing and being very merry indeed! And I can say unequivocally that Joel’s wedding day was the happiest and proudest day of my life.

  Epilogue

  SITTING AND THINKING about my life has made me realise that, although there have been many ups and downs along the way, I have had a very happy and fulfilled one so far. I was privileged to have my parents with me for as long as they were, and I am very lucky to have Joel and the loving and close relationship I share with him.

  I haven’t had an actual relationship myself for quite some time but I can honestly say I don’t miss it! I spent so much of my early life thinking that I had to be part of a couple for my life to have meaning. But now I am single and happily alone I realise that there really is more to life than worrying if a man is going to call when he says he will. That’s not to say I’m writing men off altogether, I just don’t feel being part of a couple is something I need to define me.

  Careerwise, I find myself at another one of those ‘jumping off’ points in my life where I’m not sure what I’ll be doing next. Waking the Dead has finished and I’m excited and a little nervous at the prospect of embarking on something new, but I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. It might be theatre, it might be TV or film, but whatever it is it won’t be dull. And as long as people are willing to have me in their living rooms I’ll keep on acting. Oh, and as long as I can still learn the lines!

  I look back at my life so far and I’m thankful for my friends and family because without them to fall back on I’m not sure I would always have been so ready to take my numerous leaps of faith.

  Reading over the earlier chapters of this book I can now see that I really must have given my parents sleepless nights as they tried to get their grammar-educated daughter to stay in a good stable job to no avail. I sometimes think I find it hard to make decisions but I was very single-minded in my desire to be an actress. I pursued it as a career, I didn’t just fall into it and hope for the best. And I am very grateful that I did because I have been given the most amazing opportunities and been allowed to play a number of great characters who people have genuinely taken to their hearts.

  And so, dear reader, the end of this part of my story is nigh. From beginning writing this book, to penning these final words, I feel like I’ve come on that much over-used term these days: a journey. I began by thinking that my relationship with my mother was difficult and have ended by feeling very much loved and looked after by her, even though she wasn’t good at showing it.

  From thinking about how she cared for me when I was younger, to remembering how I felt when I discovered she had kept mementos of mine from over the years, I have come to the conclusion that my mum was my mum. She didn’t do the things the way that I would have liked her to a lot of the time, but she did them her way. And everything she ever did had her family at the heart of it. I did keep parts of my life from her but that was just our relationship and I have accepted that. It didn’t mean I was lying to her; I was just keeping her happy in the world that she had fought so hard to build around her. She didn’t like change and I did. Vive la différence!

  *

  And as I sit here, coughing from a bad chest I’m just shaking off, wearing red lipstick and eating my lunch from Marks’, something has just occurred to me…I think I’m turning into my mother!

  June 2011

  Here I am aged seven

  My dad home on leave during the Second World War

  My mum is trying to cover up my burned foot, but she’s hiding the wrong one!

  My cousins, Pauline and Marjorie, and me in our matching Warrington Walking Day outfits

  My mother and her sisters on the poor horse in Egremont

  On the sandhills at Prestatyn – my mother is well dressed even here

  My first acting role at school, which I loved. The witch in The Tinderbox

  This was taken in the days when I frequented
the Cavern

  The drama student

  Back home for a visit, with Whisky the cat

  With my first dog, Woodbine

  Following my research at the National Front meeting, this was the play that resulted: No Pasaran

  My mother on the day Joel was born

  I finally learn to bath my baby

  Joel with his grandad, who he adored

  Joel with my dear friend Veron and her daughter Gemma

  At Anfield

  My Brookside family

  The remarkable women holding their families together during the miners’ strike

  The day we got to play at Goodison Park, but were thrashed by the Grange Hill Girls

  In Two with John McArdle, in 1989

  Goodbye Cruel World with Alun Armstrong, and a very young Jonny Lee Miller

  A big hug from Tom Baker (while filming Medics)

  Mary Healey and me looking marvellous in make-up for Brassed Off

  The amazing cast of Brassed Off