She shook her head. “You’re hopeless. I’m tired of talking to myself, so I’m going home. Figure out what the hell you’re going to do.”
I watched as she stood, grabbed her coat, and walked to the door.
I sat on my couch and stared at the wall for a long time after she left. I kept imagining myself walking over to Alec’s apartment to talk, only to find him with another woman. If he weren’t with someone, then he would probably slam the door in my face when he realized what I wanted.
I was so tired of living in limbo like this. I wasn’t the kind of woman who worried about men. On more than one occasion, I’d laughed at my friends for being so needy and obsessed with their boyfriends. I couldn’t understand how they could become so obsessed with one person. If they could see me now, they’d laugh in my face.
Damn Karma.
I stood from the couch and walked to my door without really thinking about what I was going to do. I threw open the door and made my way across the hallway to Alec’s apartment. I knocked loudly and took a step back. I was going to get my answers once and for all. Once he told me to get lost, I’d do just that. I’d accept his dismissal and move on with my life.
He didn’t answer the door. I beat on it again, but there was still nothing. I pulled my phone from my pocket and looked at the time. It was well after midnight on Friday, so I guessed he was probably at work. I groaned at my own stupidity. Of course I would decide to take matters into my own hands on one of the nights he wasn’t around.
I walked back to my apartment and closed the door. Instead of dropping back down onto the couch, I headed for my bedroom. I peeled my sweater and gray dress pants off before walking to my closet. I had nothing even remotely close to what Arie had dressed me in before, but I was determined to find something appropriate for where I was going.
Finally, I found a low-cut silver tank top and a pair of tight jeans. I threw them on before slipping my feet into a pair of flats. I headed back into the living room and grabbed my keys off the table.
If Alec wasn’t home, then I would go to him.
The bar was just as packed as the last time I’d been there. I shoved my way through the crowd as I headed for the bar. Once I reached it, I groaned. The crowd around it was at least three people deep on all sides. No matter how hard I tried to squeeze through, people refused to part for me. I finally gave up and started weaving my way around people to get to the side of the bar. There were still a ton of patrons around, but I could at least see the bar. I frowned when I saw that Alec wasn’t behind it.
A bartender came over and started handing drinks to the people in front of me. As soon as they moved, I shoved my way up to the bar and took their place. By the time I worked my way to the front, the bartender had moved away. I waved my hands frantically until I caught his attention.
He smirked as he walked back over to me. “You need something?”
“I’m looking for Alec,” I practically shouted because the music was so loud.
He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. “Alec?”
I frowned. “Yeah, the guy who owns this place.”
He gave me a knowing grin. “You mean Spike.”
“Huh?”
He shook his head. “I’ve never heard someone call him by his actual name before. Who are you?”
“I’m his neighbor,” I said. I couldn’t help but wonder why people called him Spike. I probably didn’t want to know. “Is he working tonight? I need to talk to him.”
“Everything okay?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I really need to speak to him.”
He nodded and pointed to a set of doors behind me. “Go through there, and turn right. He’s in the last room on the right at the end of the hall.”
“Thank you.” I turned and hurried away. I swore I’d seen the bartender shaking his head as I left.
I pushed through the doors and looked around. I practically ran down the hallway to the right. I was shocked over just how quiet it was back here since the main part of the bar was only a few feet away. When I reached the end of the hallway, I knocked on the last door just as the bartender had told me.
I waited a few seconds before knocking again. I reached forward to turn the doorknob when the door swung open. My breath caught as I looked at Alec. This was the closest I’d been to him in days.
God, he still takes my breath away.
“Rebecca?” His voice held surprise. “What are you doing here? Is everything all right?”
I shook my head as I stepped closer. “Please don’t kill me for doing this.”
He gave me a questioning look, but I gave him no time to ask me what the hell I was doing. I reached out and pulled him closer to me. I stood on my toes and slammed my mouth against his. He froze for a moment before finally kissing me back. He groaned as his hands found my waist and pulled me tighter against him.
I felt myself being lifted, but I didn’t break the kiss. Alec held on to me as he stepped back into the room and closed the door behind us. He shoved me against the door, our lips still fused together. I nearly lost my mind when I felt him harden against me.
He broke away and released me so suddenly that I nearly fell without his weight holding me against the door. I grabbed on to the doorknob to keep myself from falling over.
“Fuck, Rebecca! What the hell was that?” he demanded as he took another step back.
“I didn’t mean to,” I said. “I just saw you and…”
He ran his hand over his face. “Why are you here?”
“I needed to talk to you,” I said quietly.
“It couldn’t have waited until I came home?” he asked.
I winced at the coldness in his tone. It looked like we were back to square one.
“I’ve waited long enough. Besides, you probably would have come home with another woman. That seems to be your norm lately.”
He had the decency to look embarrassed. At least, he did for a split second before a cold mask of indifference slipped over his face.
“It’s not just lately, Rebecca. I’ve been bringing home random women long before I met you.”
I glared at him. “You’re being an ass on purpose.”
He shrugged. “I’m just telling you the truth. Now, what was so important that you had to come here to talk to me?”
“I want to know what is going on with us.”
He gave me a strange look. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb, Alec. You’ve been avoiding me for over a month.”
“No, I haven’t,” he said.
“Liar. Tell me the truth, Alec. What is going on? After that night, I thought…”
He frowned. “You thought what? That I’d show up at your door the next morning with a dozen roses and coffee? It doesn’t work that way. At least, it doesn’t with me. I knew this would happen. That’s why I tried so damn hard to stay away from you.”
“Knew what would happen?” I demanded.
“This!” He motioned between the two of us. “You’re here because you want something I can’t give you. Goddamn it, Rebecca! I tried my hardest to stay away from you because I knew you’d get hurt. You aren’t the type of girl who can just walk away. I’m the worst thing that could ever happen to you.”
“Stop! Just stop!” I shouted. “You make yourself out to be this horrible person, but you aren’t, not really.”
He laughed. “You’re so damn innocent. You can’t even see what’s right in front of you.”
“Yes, I can. You pretend to be an asshole, but you aren’t. An asshole wouldn’t have apologized. An asshole wouldn’t have left my apartment when he did. You knew I would say yes, but you still walked away. How many men can say they’d do the same thing? I might be inexperienced, but I know what men think about—sex. You had your chance, and you left. Stop pretending to be a coldhearted bastard. The only person you’re fooling is yourself.”
He took a step toward me. “Rebecca—”
I
held up my hand. “No, don’t even try to say anything. I’m too pissed off to talk about this anymore. When you come to your senses, you know where to find me.”
I turned and stormed out of what I assumed was his office. I’d been too busy kissing and shouting at him to really look at it. I almost expected him to follow me as I stomped my way down the hallway, but he didn’t. I shook my head as I stepped back out into the main part of the bar. I didn’t bother to apologize as I pushed through the crowd to reach the door.
Once I was in my car, I peeled out of the lot. Anger flooded my body until I felt like I was boiling inside. The only things I’d managed to do tonight was piss off Alec and myself. I still didn’t have my answers. I wasn’t sure if I ever would.
I didn’t hear from Alec for two days. I pretended that I didn’t care. I even went out of my way to avoid him. Before I stepped out of my apartment, I would crack the door to make sure that the coast was clear. Childish? Definitely. I forced myself not to think about him constantly. It was damn near impossible, but I tried. I wasn’t even sure that we’d ever clear the air, and I was trying to accept that. I might never unravel the mystery of Alec.
I was shutting off the lights in my apartment when I heard a knock on my door. I walked over to it and peered through the peephole. My stomach dropped when I saw Alec standing in the hallway.
I looked down at my shorts and ripped T-shirt, feeling self-conscious over what I was currently rocking. I rolled my eyes at myself. It wasn’t like he’d care about what I was wearing anyway. I took a deep breath to calm myself before unlocking and opening my door, bringing me face to face with the man that haunted my dreams and every waking thought.
After a moment of silence that seemed to stretch far too long, he finally cleared his throat. “Hey.”
I raised an eyebrow but said nothing. I was still pissed off from our last conversation.
“Mind if I come in?” he asked when he realized that I wasn’t going to respond.
I shrugged as I stepped back to let him in. “Sure. Why not?”
He moved past me, and I closed the door. We stood there awkwardly, neither of us sure what to say.
He reached out and took my hand. “Sit with me.”
I followed him over to the couch and sat down next to him. I tried to pull my hand away, but he held on tightly.
“I’ve thought a lot about what you said. I wanted to come talk to you that night when I made it home, but I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea. You were pissed, and I knew I’d say something stupid. I needed time to clear my head and figure out what’s going on.”
“What is going on, Alec?”
“What you said the other night…you were right about a lot of things. Before we go any further, I want to be clear about something. I am an asshole, Rebecca. I’ve slept with more women than I can count, and I’ve never once regretted it. I knew what they wanted, and I was only too happy to oblige. You have me up on this pedestal, but I’m not the guy you seem to think I am. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I don’t regret any of it. It’s made me who I am.”
“I don’t think you’re perfect, Alec. I’ve never thought that. I know you have issues. I just don’t understand why you try to make me think the worst of you.”
“Because I see the way you look at me, and you deserve someone better. You’re so innocent, Rebecca. Girls like you are few and far between. When I’ve come across them, I always run the other way. But with you, I couldn’t. I tried, but it was like something kept pulling me toward you.”
I looked down at our joined hands. “I felt the same way. I thought I was going crazy. I’ve never cared about a guy the way I care about you.”
“I know what you mean. Look, I’ve always been the way I am. As soon as I was old enough to start paving my own path, I did everything I could to rebel. My father wasn’t around enough to know what I was doing. If he noticed, he didn’t seem to care. After my mom died, I was raised by nannies. As soon as I got attached to one, he’d get rid of her and hire someone else. I learned quickly not to depend on anyone. Everyone leaves. My dad remarried a few times, and even those women didn’t hang around long. They couldn’t stand how he was always gone, so they left. They didn’t want to be saddled with his kid.”
I realized the root of the problem. Alec would push people away because he didn’t want to get close to anyone, only to have them abandon him.
“So, that’s what it is, isn’t it? You’ve been alone your entire life. You’re afraid to trust anyone,” I said.
He shrugged. “I suppose you could chalk it up to daddy issues. It doesn’t matter. I made myself the way I am.”
“No, you didn’t. Circumstances made you the way you are, but you don’t have to be that way. Eventually, you’ll have to trust someone even if it isn’t me,” I said softly.
He frowned. “I’ve never wanted to get close to someone the way I have with you. When I saw you, I knew shit would hit the fan.”
“Why do you keep pushing me away?” I asked. “I’ve done nothing to hurt you, yet you’re determined to crush me every chance you get.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for that. It’s just…when I look at you, I want things I can’t have. There’s no way I could get tangled up in a relationship, and that’s exactly what you’d expect from me.”
“Why couldn’t you?”
He gave me a look that said he thought I was a moron. “Because I’m not relationship material. I never have been.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re an idiot. Have you ever even tried to open yourself up to someone and have a real relationship?”
He shook his head. “Nah, I don’t want to be tied down.”
“Then, how do you know that you’re not relationship material?”
“I just do.”
I wanted to beat my head against the table. Actually, I wanted to beat his head against the table. He was so lost and so damn stubborn that he couldn’t see past what he thought was right.
“So, where does that leave us?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I guess we can still try the friends thing.”
I snorted.
“Okay, maybe not. We weren’t very good at that, were we?”
“No, we weren’t,” I said.
He sighed. “I care about you. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I won’t break you, Rebecca. You’re one of the few unbroken things in this fucked-up world.”
“I’m not a porcelain doll. I won’t shatter.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he said softly. “You’re more breakable than you know.”
“You’re impossible, Alec! I want to pull my hair out every time I talk to you.”
He grinned. It was the first smile I’d seen from him in a long time.
“It’s part of my charm.”
“I wish you had a little less charm. It would be easier to forget you if you weren’t so charming.”
“I don’t want you to forget me,” he said quietly. “But at the same time, I do. This whole thing is so confusing.”
“Because you’re overthinking it. Maybe you should stop trying to control everything and just let things happen. It’s okay to lose control sometimes.”
His eyes darkened, and his grip on my hand tightened. “Trust me when I say you don’t want me to lose control.”
“Why not?” I asked, my voice quivering from the look he was giving me.
“If I lost control, I would fuck you senseless.” He moved closer, a predatory look in his eyes. “I’ve thought about it a million times since I met you. I can only imagine how good you would feel.”
“Then, what’s stopping you?” I whispered.
He pulled back. “Consequences.”
“Consequences be damned.” I moved closer. “I’m tired of playing these games with you. I want you, and I know you want me. Why don’t we just put each other out of our misery?”
“You want more.”
He tried to move backward, but I wouldn’t let
him. For every inch he scooted away, I followed.
“Yes, I do. I think you do, too. You just won’t admit it to yourself.”
He stared at me, obviously trying to figure out what to say. “Rebecca…”
“Look me in the eyes, and tell me you don’t want this, too. Tell me I’m making a fool of myself by practically throwing myself at you. Tell me that, and I’ll never bother you again.”
“Of course I want you! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. But you’re going to end up hurt if I do anything about it. You deserve better than that!”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I want?” I moved closer again. I refused to let him escape me this time.
I was tired of playing games. I wanted Alec, and he wanted me. I pulled my hand away and grabbed the bottom of my shirt. Before I could think about what I was doing, I pulled it over my head.
Alec’s eyes widened in surprise as my face heated with embarrassment. I’d never been shirtless around a man. Determined not to lose my nerve, I leaned forward and kissed him. He cupped the back of my head to pull me closer. The kiss was sweet despite the position we were in. He took his time as his tongue explored every inch of my mouth.
“If we do this, there’s no going back, Alec, not for me. If you can’t handle more than sex, you need to go,” I said when he released me.
He stared at me for what felt like an eternity as he battled with himself. I saw determination in his eyes when he finally came to a decision. My heart broke when he pushed me away and stood.
He stared down at me. “No going back,” he whispered more to himself than to me.
I shrieked when he leaned down and scooped me off the couch. “What are you doing?”
“I’m taking you to your room to fuck you senseless.”
“Finally!” I said as he carried me back to my room.
He laughed as he tossed me onto the bed. I raised my hips as he tugged my shorts down my legs. I felt naked even though I was still in my bra and underwear. What we were about to do finally dawned on me. I was going to have sex with this man. I’d never had sex with anyone. The thought of having sex with Alec thrilled and terrified me at once. He had so much experience, and I had none. There was no way I could compete with the other women he’d been with.
Taming Alec Page 5