by Ruff, K. S.
Rafael gently kissed my cheek. “Text me if you need me. I’ll come find you as soon as I’m done.”
I nodded numbly as I walked toward the beautiful wrought iron staircase. I tucked the urn under my sling so I could trail my right hand along the railing, the same way I had the first time I’d walked these stairs. I blinked back tears as an image of Michael carrying me up the stairs floated across my mind. I looked down at the urn and wondered how we had gotten to this place in time, when I was carrying him up those very same stairs.
I walked down the hallway to my old room. I crossed the threshold and felt… Michael. Memories beckoned me from the bed. I thought about the first time I’d slept in his bed and the first night we made love. I sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at the floor. Michael’s adoring eyes met mine. I could feel his elation over the baby. Tears streamed silently down my face. Still, I held the urn.
As my tears subsided, I walked to each window and committed each view to memory. I stood in the bathroom, then sat on the couch in front of the fireplace. That ended up being the place I felt him most. I stared into the cold, empty hearth.
I blinked in surprise when I found myself standing in the center of the closet. My heart clenched when I discovered that my clothes and shoes were still there, as if Michael had simply been waiting for me to come back home. I ran my hand over Michael’s clothes, then inhaled deeply as I searched for his cologne. My eyes fell closed when I smelled the citrus, cedar, and cloves on one of his suit jackets. I took my sling off, pulled the jacket on, and walked back into the bathroom. I dug through the drawers until I found his bottle of cologne. I tucked the bottle into the coat pocket and forced myself to walk to the next room.
I took a deep breath and prayed for strength as I opened the door. My knees nearly buckled when I saw the room. The nursery was still half assembled. Not a single thing had been removed. The day bed where Michael had slept after the miscarriage was still tucked against the far wall. I sighed sadly. Then I quietly pulled the door closed.
I soaked in the memories and said a silent goodbye as I wandered through each room. Rafael found me sitting next to the Koi in the garden terrace. I had fallen to my knees in front of the waterfall. I sat curled around the urn as I wept.
Rafael gently tugged the urn from my hands as he pulled me into his arms. I buried my face in his shirt. “God, it hurts. I miss Michael. I miss him so much.”
Rafael smoothed his hand over my hair as tears spilled from his eyes. He rocked me in his arms until our tears ran dry. We just sat there, clinging to each other, for the longest time.
I lifted my head from Rafael’s chest and stared at cascading roses, orchids, and hibiscus that spilled from every shelf and crevice in the sun drenched room. “Do you think he’s with Genevieve?” I whispered hesitantly.
Rafael’s arms tightened around me. “Yes. I do. I think Michael is holding her in his arms right now.” He took a deep breath and slowly released it. “We don’t have to stay here tonight. We can go to a hotel or fly to Saint-Tropez.”
I ran my hand over the prickly grass growing alongside the smooth stepping stones we were kneeling on. “I think we should go to Saint-Tropez,” I replied on a sigh. I reached for the urn.
Rafael stood and gently pulled me to my feet. “Would you like to pack some clothes? You don’t have much to wear since your luggage was left in Ukraine.”
“Sammi took my clothes back to DC,” I responded numbly.
He nudged me toward the stone trail that wound through the gardens. “Should I ask the maid to pack a few things for Saint-Tropez, or would you like to pick the clothes out yourself?”
“I’d like to pick out a few things.” I looked down at Michael’s jacket and pulled the cologne out of the pocket. “Can I keep this? I’d like to have something of Michael’s to take home with me.”
Rafael’s eyes softened. “Of course. You can take anything you want.”
I looked down at the cologne. “This is all I want.”
Rafael nodded. “Why don’t you go pick out some clothes. I’m going to grab a few things from my room and track down some suitcases.”
Rafael and I eventually made our way downstairs. Michael’s staff had gathered in the foyer to say goodbye. My eyes filled with tears when I saw them all standing there looking so lost. The cook and her granddaughter reached for my hand as they kissed me on both cheeks. The gardener offered a soft kiss on the cheek. Jean gave me a hug. Devry kissed my cheek, followed by the maids, the butler, the driver, and the entire security team.
Rafael set the suitcases aside so he could ask the staff to continue in their positions until he could sort through what to do with the house. Everyone readily agreed to stay on. The driver loaded the luggage into the car and drove us to the airport. We boarded Michael’s jet thirty minutes later.
We arrived in Nice shortly after eight o’clock in the evening. Rafael secured a rental car and drove the rest of the way to Saint-Tropez.
Chapter 13 – A drop in the ocean
Sunlight streamed through the window. I tried to place the room as I turned in Rafael’s arms. “Where are we?” I asked, suddenly confused.
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “We’re in my bedroom at the property in Saint-Tropez. You fell asleep during the drive here. I didn’t want to wake you, so I carried you inside.”
I sat up and studied the room. I was thankful it was unfamiliar to me. “What are the staff going to think about me sleeping with you?”
Rafael sat up and slowly rotated his injured arm. “Most of the staff in Saint-Tropez were aware of my feelings for you when Michael first brought you here. When I called to have the house prepared for our arrival, I let them know that we’d be sleeping together.”
I shoved the covers aside. I shivered when my toes touched the cool tile. I smoothed my hands over my wrinkled clothes as I walked to the French doors. The doors opened out onto the travertine terrace that led to the fire pit and the infinity pool. I stared out over the Azure water. The brilliant blue sea was already sprinkled with a number of white boats. “I think we should spread Michael’s ashes out over the sea. Do you know someone who can sail his boat?”
Rafael wrapped his arms around me. We had already abandoned the annoying slings. He rested his chin on my shoulder as he stared out over the water. “Michael taught me how to sail his boat. We can take it out this afternoon if you think you’re ready to do this.”
I nodded as my eyes filled with tears.
Rafael turned me in his arms. “I think there’s a silver lining in all of this.”
My eyebrows knit together. I couldn’t think of a single positive thing that had come from Michael’s death… unless, of course, he was with Genevieve.
Rafael cupped my cheek in his hand. “Michael has finally found peace. He hasn’t known peace since he went to work for that investment firm.”
A single tear stole down my cheek. “I don’t see that as a silver lining, not when Michael had to die to find peace.”
Rafael captured the tear with his thumb. “He also died knowing he was loved. He saw how much you still love him, and he got a chance to tell you he still loves you.”
I nodded as three more tears trickled down my cheeks.
He pulled me in for a hug. “You’ve hardly eaten a thing the past few days. Will you come sit in the kitchen with me so I can make you breakfast?”
I pulled back to look at him. “Won’t the cook be offended?”
He shook his head and smiled. “He’s actually quite tolerant of me taking over his kitchen.”
We padded down to the kitchen in our bare feet. Rafael poured a cup of coffee and handed it to me as I climbed onto a stool at the center island. He poured his own cup of coffee while bantering with the cook. A couple of the security guards popped in for coffee. They joined in on the conversation while Rafael and the cook prepared breakfast. While the staff were subdued, the mood seemed lighter than it had been in Paris. It was nice seeing some of the
tension ease from Rafael’s face.
Once Rafael and the cook were done preparing our omelets, we took our plates, coffee, and juice to the terrace. I was hesitant to sit by the fire pit since that was where Michael and I had eaten most nights. I chose a stool at the outdoor bar instead. Rafael claimed the stool next to me. I propped my feet against his stool and took a sip of coffee as I peered out over the water. I sighed as the vise in my chest eased a tiny bit. “I love this place.”
Rafael smiled. “Me too.” He studied me as he cut into his omelet. “What do you want to do with the property in Paris?”
I slowly pulled my gaze from the sea. “Me?”
Rafael nodded. “Michael left that house, and this one, to you.”
I tried to speak around the lump in my throat. “He left them to me? Why would he do that?”
Rafael took a sip of coffee. “Michael purchased that home in Paris as a wedding gift for you, and he knew how much you love this place.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “But you’re his brother and his last remaining relative. Why wouldn’t he just leave everything to you?”
Rafael shrugged. “He left a substantial amount of money and four other properties to me, including the house in Boca Raton.”
I fell silent as I absorbed the news. Tears welled in my eyes as I met Rafael’s gaze. “I don’t know what to do with the house in Paris. It’s painful for me to be there. I look around and I see everything I’ve lost… the hopes, the dreams, the baby, and now Michael. But I still have fond memories of Michael and you in that house.”
Rafael nodded. He set his coffee cup on the bar. “What about this place?”
I looked up at the house, then gazed across the beautiful travertine terrace. I loved the peace and tranquility that surrounded this place, but I couldn’t bring myself to lay claim to this house, not when it should have been given to Rafael. I slowly met his gaze. “I think you should keep this place.”
Rafael ate another bite of omelet. “I think we should keep this place. Do you want to live here, or do you still want to live in Virginia?”
I cut into my omelet as I considered the question. “I don’t know. I can barely comprehend how Saint-Tropez has come to be an option. Paul gave me a one month paid sabbatical, but I’m questioning whether I’m really cut out for that job. I’d like to finish my master’s degree, but I haven’t really thought about where I want to live once I finish school. Why? What are you thinking?”
Rafael eyed me over the top of his orange juice. “I think you should take some time off from work and focus on your master’s program. There are a lot of different things you can do with that degree. I like working in DC, and I enjoy living in Northern Virginia. Why don’t we keep Saint-Tropez as a vacation home? Who knows? We may want to retire here someday.”
“You can still see a future with me?” I asked brokenly.
A concerned look fell over his face. He slowly set his fork on the plate. “Of course I can. Why wouldn’t I?”
I looked down at the napkin that lie twisted in my hand. “I… I… just wasn’t sure how you’d feel about me after everything that happened with Michael.”
Rafael pulled the napkin from my hand. He tossed the napkin on the bar, then folded his hands around mine. “Hey… look at me.”
I glanced up at him through watery eyes.
His gaze was fierce. “You have to stop blaming yourself for Michael’s death. You didn’t kill Michael. The people who beat and tortured you killed Michael. Not you. You shouldn’t blame yourself for the actions of other people, Kristine. You should have been able to go to Ukraine and work at those universities without such a horrific thing happening. It was reasonable for you to think that you could. I don’t blame you for Michael’s death, and I don’t want you blaming yourself for it either.”
I knew that would be much easier said than done. Michael would still be alive if I hadn’t gone to Ukraine. Still, the intensity of Rafael’s gaze brokered no room for argument. I sighed. “I’ll try not to.”
His eyes softened. “I love you. I will always love you. And, yes, I still intend to marry you, Kristine.”
My heart clenched. I looked down at my hands as I tried to sift through the confusing array of emotions that were now warring within me.
Rafael gently tugged me from the stool. He positioned me so that I was standing between his legs. He remained seated on the stool. His eyes searched mine as he framed my face with his hands. Ever so slowly, he fit his lips to mine.
* * * * * *
We made three attempts to scatter Michael’s ashes into the sea. The first time we tried, I just stood on the dock and cried with the urn clutched against my chest. I couldn’t even board the boat.
We waited a few days before trying again. This time I managed to board the boat. We set sail and eventually dropped anchor, but the entire afternoon slipped away while I delayed saying goodbye. I couldn’t bring myself to do it when the sun was setting.
Rafael suggested we try again at sunrise.
A gentle but steady rain delayed us another day. The clouds lifted, and the rain slipped silently away while we slept. Rafael woke me at three o’clock, so we could set sail while it was still dark.
It seemed as if we had the entire sea to ourselves. I sat huddled in a blanket while Rafael sailed the boat some distance from shore. He lowered the anchor before joining me at the side of the boat. We kneeled next to each other in the dark. I held the urn as we waited for the sun to rise.
Rafael nodded toward the horizon. “I think it’s time.”
“I can’t let go. I’m not ready to say goodbye,” I responded brokenly.
Rafael pulled two necklaces from his coat pocket.
I studied the necklaces. The black leather necklace held a small brushed silver vial. The silver chain held a beautiful tear shaped pendant. The spun glass pendant was streaked with shades of blue. The blanket slipped from my shoulders as I reached for the necklaces. “What are these for?”
Rafael’s eyes softened. “These are small cremation urns. I thought we could place some of Michael’s ashes inside these containers. That way, we can always keep a part of him with us. Then, if you’re ready, we can pour his remaining ashes into the sea.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “That’s perfect.”
Rafael opened the urn. He pulled a small piece of paper from his pocket. He scooped some ashes into the folded paper and poured them into the vials. He sealed the vials and the urn before clasping the silver chain around my neck.
My fingers fell on the tear shaped pendant. “Thank you,” I whispered softly. I reached for the leather necklace. He bowed his head as I fastened the clasp behind his neck. I gently kissed his cheek. “I love you.”
The boat rocked gently as the sun peeked over the horizon. Rafael squeezed my hand. “Would you like to say a prayer?”
I nodded as I placed my hands on top of the urn.
His eyes filled with tears as he laid his hands on top of mine.
I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. The waves slapped noisily against the side of the boat. Slowly, I began. “Most merciful Father, we know that you love us despite our failures, our successes, our wounds, and our brokenness. Please accept Michael into your kingdom so that he may finally know peace. Surround him with your love. Hold him in your hands as we release him to you and reunite him with his parents and Genevieve. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.”
Rafael rested his forehead against mine. “Thank you,” he breathed.
Tears spilled silently down my cheeks as Rafael opened the urn once more. Our eyes met as he tipped the urn over the side of the boat. I watched the powder soft ashes blow gently in the breeze. The waves reached up and pulled them into the sea.
I placed my hand through the stream of ashes so I could touch Michael one last time. I closed my eyes and whispered goodbye as he slipped silently through my fingers.
* * * * * *
I dug my toes into the sand as the waves beckoned me
into the sea… the same sea that had claimed Michael’s ashes nine days ago. My chest still hurt when I gazed out over the brilliant blue water. I couldn’t help but think of what I’d lost and all the things that could have been. There was a part of me that wanted to follow Michael into those waves and never come back.
My thoughts turned to Kadyn, who was an entire ocean away. I thought about our trip to the Bahamas and the beach where I had made my decision to remain in Virginia. I had been happy then. I had found a way to let go of my past so I could build a future with Kadyn.
I tucked my knees under my chin as I questioned whether Kadyn was ever meant to be with me. I sighed as I dug my feet a little deeper into the sand. I was stalled at another crossroads. I was having a difficult time moving forward because one foot was still stuck in my past. The other foot hovered undecidedly at the intersection. I felt… lost.
I glanced over at Rafael as a little boy approached him with a plastic bucket and shovel. The boy looked to be somewhere around the age of four. He had soft brown eyes and caramel colored skin. Like Rafael, his dark hair fell past his shoulder in waves. The boy shoved the bucket and shovel toward Rafael.
Rafael waved to the boy’s parents, who were sitting just a few feet away. They smiled and nodded as Rafael accepted the bucket. The boy watched completely enthralled as Rafael scooped a large pile of sand into the bucket and packed it in. He turned it upside down on the beach as he began building a castle.
I sat mesmerized as Rafael and the boy worked side by side building the castle. Nine buckets of sand formed the base. A second level took shape with three more buckets of sand. Rafael worked on a third-story tower while the boy dug a moat around the fortress. He transformed his shovel into a drawbridge by balancing it over the top of the moat. He pointed at me as he grasped Rafael’s shoulder and whispered in his ear.
My heart stalled when Rafael’s eyes met mine. Tears welled in my eyes. The image of him with that little boy clinging to his shoulder tugged mercilessly at my heart.