I’m Glad You’re Dead

by Hunter Blain

  I jumped out the back and walked to where the no-armed man was, grabbed him, and walked back to the van. I tossed him on the counter top and started removing his gear. From the waist, up. He barely protested as his wide, glazed eyes searched for focus all around him, finding none.

  Taking out his own blade, a standard issue military knife with half serrations and a razers edge, I hastily began cutting strips of flesh off his body.

  After a few had been cut, I leaned down and carefully dropped the thin strips into Depweg’s mouth. He closed it and started to chew. After several seconds of chewing, he swallowed, and then opened his eager mouth again. I dropped another strip and he half opened his eyes.

  Blood dripped down off the countertop and striped the cabinets. I cut the man’s bicep completely off and then handed it to Depweg who grasped it with both hands before taking greedy bites. Color was starting to come back to his features.

  The man on the countertop took one last breath and let it slowly exhale, unmoving.

  I helped Depweg up on the bench and handed him the knife. He got to work on the once assassin as I reached for the cabinet with the red cross on it. Inside I found iodine solution in a squeeze bottle. I took a deep breath and jammed in into the front hole on my left shoulder and squeezed, hard. The cleansing fluid rushed through the entire wound and out the back, taking with it most of the silver dust that coated the rounds. I squeezed again and almost emptied the bottle before pulling it out and sticking the tip in the broken skin on my leg, repeating the process.

  After a few moments, my leg started to stitch itself up. I looked at my shoulder and could see it starting to slowly rebuild itself as well.

  Within five minutes, Depweg had eaten almost every muscle on the man’s upper body and started on the lower half. Feeling returned to my fingertips in the torturous form of pins and needles. I sighed a breath of relief and let my head rest on the van’s wall.

  “We need to go soon,” I said. “It won’t take long before they realize something is wrong, and I don’t want any more of Locke’s fucking fire balls coming our way.”

  Depweg nodded and quickly cut both the man’s quadricep muscles off with a practiced precision. “For the road,” he said as I looked at him.

  We started walking down the highway just on the outskirts of the woods and I said, “Forgot wer’s could eat people with their pretty faces on. Pretty neat.”

  “To be honest, I haven’t had to do it since we first met. Usually shifting to wolf when injured gives us a better chance at survival.” He looked at me and continued, “Never had my blood drained before. Didn’t know vamps could drain supes.”

  “Then we are both learning new things about ourselves tonight,” I said, remembering the rush of power and life I felt.

  “This is taking too long. Can you shift yet?” I asked.

  “I think so,” he said while starting to strip off his clothes.

  I walked to the edge of the tree line and stared down one side of the highway, and then the other, keeping a lookout for work vans at this late hour. Or early, depending on whom you might ask.

  A few minutes pass as I stood watch, letting the events of the evening replay in my mind. There was a chuff from behind and I turned to see the giant wolf staring at me with yellow eyes. His tail wagged in delight at his successful transformation and resulting energy. He dropped his front paws and extended them out, leaving his rear legs straight. His tongue stuck out the side of his mouth and he barked in excitement.

  “What?” I asked. “Wanna play fetch or somethen?”

  He cocked his head to the side, tongue pulling back into his closing mouth, and growled at me with half sincerity.

  “Whoah boy. That’s a bad boy,” I scalded.

  He stood up, tall, on all fours and walked to me. His eyes the same height as my own.

  “Just kidding!” I said with a high pitch while throwing my hands up in placation.

  He stopped, his snout less than an inch from my face. I could smell the woods on his fur and the meat still on his breath.

  He stood there for a moment, with me all but pulling a Michael Jackson, leaning so far backwards I thought my ass was going to touch ground. He licked my face and chuffed at me before bounding off into the woods, heading in the direction of Houston. I leaned down and grabbed his clothes, stashing them in the duffle bag. I thought about leaving his pants behind, but the joke would be on me; I’d be the one who would have to look at him later.

  There was a distinctive car beep in the road. My jaw dropped open as I looked toward the road and saw the Fae, Lily, standing next to a hot pink Rolls Royce. She was applying makeup from a handheld mirror while she leaned against the driver’s side door with the window down.

  I turned to where Depweg last was and whistled, loud but short. As I start seductively walking toward Lily, I heard romping in the distance which quickly grew louder until Depweg is right next to me, staring at Lily.

  “Looks like we got a ride after all, buddy,” I said as I scratched him between the ears. He responded by pushing at my lower back with one of his massive paws, causing me to stumble forward and almost fall on my face.

  “Hey! Bad dog!” I said as I righted myself and turned to face Depweg, expressing a scowl. He ignored me, and instead, sniffed the air in the direction of Lily. He snorted and started sneezing, rubbing his nose into the grass as if something had invaded his nostrils.

  After a few more sneezes, he jerked his head sharply to stare at Lily. I pieced the puzzle together.

  “Lily,” I said with authority, “cut it out. He’s a friend.”

  “Oh, I know,” she purred. “I simply wished to greet him, in my way.” She paused, considering. “Curious. His reaction was not what I was expecting for a man-beast. How intriguing.”

  After a few moments, the new info settled in and was filed for later use, snapping Lily from her train of thought.

  “Time to go,” she said, opening the driver’s door and got in.

  Depweg and I looked at each other.

  “It’s in her best interest that we stop Locke, and that’s good enough for me,” I reassured Depweg.

  After a few heart beats, Depweg nodded ever so slightly. I pulled his clothes back out and laid them on the ground. He picked them up in his jaws and sauntered to the tree line. Once he was out of sight, I could hear the transformation taking place.

  Lily looked at me from the visor mirror that she had lowered to finish her makeup, and did a ‘what’s taking so long gesture’ with her face and free hand. I lifted my index finger, indicating it would only be a moment longer.

  A minute later, Depweg came out of the woods, pulling down on his black band shirt. This one said “Tool” on it.

  “Hey,” I said while pointing at his shirt once he got close, “aren’t they the Barbie Girl group? Catchy song.”

  He rolled his eyes so hard that they almost did a complete revolution in their sockets. He continued past me to the passenger side of the Rolls.

  “Shot gun,” he said.

  “Ah, man!” I cried out in legitimate disappointment.

  “He did call it, Jonathan,” Lily gloated.

  In unison, Depweg and I said, “It’s just, John.”

  She giggled and motioned for me to climb in the back with her thumb. I obliged. It was ridiculously luxurious in the backseat. There was a TV screen coming out of the center console that had the news on mute. The seats reclined and even offered vibrating massage and heat. She even had a damn mini-bar. I did a double take as I noticed a crystal container of a dark, red liquid.

  “Is that…” I started.

  “Just for you, lover,” Lily said while glancing in the rearview mirror as she pulled onto the highway.

  At the comment, Depweg flicked his ear so slightly that a mortal’s eyes would have missed it.

  I didn’t say anything and focused on pouring myself a drink. Lily was staking her claim and making sure Depweg was aware of her presence on the food chain. Depweg tur
ned his head to stare out the window, much the same way a passenger would do if a tone-deaf driver started belting out lyrics along with the radio; as if turning away abated the awkwardness of it all.

  The tension was palpable. “Should have let me take shotgun, buddy.” I thought while taking a drink. It made my tongue tingle and it passed over it and washed down my throat. My eyes closed and my hairs stood on end, a moan of pleasure escaping my lips before I could stop it.

  “Tell me, boys, what is your plan for stopping Locke?” She asked, breaking the tension.

  “Go in, guns blazing!” I said with abnormal delight.

  “Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that,” Depweg said, while glancing curiously in the rearview mirror at me.

  “You’re both crazy,” Lily said, bemused.

  “That’s what my therapist says!” I said. I was met with silence from both of my companions. “Guys,” I started after a few moments, “I’m kidding! They can’t legally say that.” My words were starting to slur a tad. I felt giddy. My head fell back and I smiled huge, my eyes closing in delight.

  “Do you like it, John?” Lily asked, amused at my reaction to her drink.

  Eyes still closed and thoughts swimming in a pool of elation I managed to ask, “What is it?”

  “The what should be obvious, silly. It’s the whom that should interest you,” She said with a shark’s smile spreading across her beautiful face.

  “Whose blood is this?” I asked while trying to shake off the creeping tingle that was spreading up my head and down my body. It was hard to fight because I didn’t want it to stop.

  “Mine, of course,” she said.

  I had never drunk from a supernatural before, and now, in one night, I had imbibed from a centuries old werewolf and an ageless Fae.

  The blood was like her pheromone scent had been extracted and magnified. My skin heated, and my mini-me leapt to attention. I wanted her. Needed her. I could feel the predator inside my head start to fight for the wheel.

  “What’s happening to him? What have you done?” I could hear Depweg ask from far away as I laid back on the reclining seat, feeling its comfort envelope me. I was so tired all of a sudden.

  “This,” I heard Lily say from the other side of a thin wall. Her voice muffled as I relented toward unconscious. I knew what was happening, but didn’t care. The reclining chair felt so incredibly good against my back. It cradled me and promised wellbeing and happiness.

  I could vaguely hear a gasping from somewhere far away. I struggled with my remaining strength to open my eyes where I saw Depweg trying to swat at his nose, as if a particularly heinous fart had just been released. He relaxed after a one-sided battle and let his head drop to the passenger window.

  “Bitch,” was all I could manage with a yawn before sleep enveloped me. The hum of the engine faded as I fell into the unconscious.

  Chapter 33

  I awoke inside my own body. Feeling disoriented, I lifted my arm and pinched the bridge of my nose. When I opened my eyes, I could see the back of the driver’s seat through my hand. Looking down, I noticed the solid flesh of my limb was still resting on the arm rest.

  Sitting up in the reclining chair of the pink Rolls Royce, I noticed my hands were made out of mist. I stood straight up and went through the roof of the car where my hands promptly explored my entire body. I was somewhat relieved to find I was solid to my own touch. I was incorporeal and out of my undead body.

  “Neat,” I said in a voice that echoed, growing in cadence and quickly dissipating. “Neat.” Louder this time with a more pronounced echo in return.

  The background grabbed my attention and refused to let go. The sky was a blood orange that offered inadequate illumination of the scene around me. Trees were still green, but dull, as if I was in a painting of diluted matte colors.

  The trees didn’t move in the wind. Heck, I couldn’t even feel the wind. Then I noticed the car wasn’t speeding down the road anymore. I was frozen in time, sticking out of the top of the unmoving, solid car. Rather, nothing was moving. Birds hung in the air but appeared to be moving from a shimmer that surrounded everything. It was like looking through a mirage in a color drained setting. The color was still there, but the once bright and popping pink of the Rolls was now a flat shade, as if it had aged a decade in direct sunlight.

  “Confused?” A voice echoed beside me.

  Startled, I cried out and tried to move back, but only succeeded in tumbling in mid-air, ass over nose. A hand grabbed my head and prevented a full rotation.

  Lily stood, incorporeal as well, though she was upside down. Scratch that, I was upside down.

  With all the elegance that only centuries of assimilating every language I came across could afford, I summoned my vast vocabulary to better express my confusion.

  “Uh… the fuck?” I said with grace befitting royalty.

  “We don’t have much time,” Lily said uncharacteristically. “I brought us to the in-between.” Her cadence had become sharp, bordering on urgency.

  “The what now?” I asked, trying to wiggle myself back upright. Lily took her hand which was still on my head and swiped sideways, making me tumble again. She grabbed my ankle as I spun and pulled me down to eye level with her.

  “The place between planes. Couldn’t you have figured that out by the name?” She asked in annoyance. “Now listen, carefully.”

  I listened as she spoke, darkness creeping up from my gut and my heart sank to meet it in the middle.

  Chapter 34

  I crept into consciousness and slowly started to gather I was on a cold, cement floor. Head swimming, I looked around to see a wide, empty warehouse with swaths of light on the floor from the powerful florescent bulbs hanging far above.

  Looking straight up, I got dizzy and fell backwards. A large, warm mass stopped me and I realized I was tied to someone, back to back.

  “Dep-Depweg,” I stammered.

  He answered with a moan, like someone waking from a night of excess drinking. A skull pounding headache greeted like an old friend.

  My wrists ached, like they were submerged in flame. The pain spread in both directions, making my hands and forearms tingle as if electrified.

  Straining to turn my head, I saw that both of our hands were cuffed with the chains interlaced, making separation impossible. I noticed there were a number of small crimson circles on the ground. As I watched, a drop of blood fell and created another circle. Puzzled, I looked at my numb hands and saw that there was a trickle of blood coming from my palm, right where the thumb connects.

  “I told you to stay the fuck out of this, Jonathan,” A familiar voice commanded from above.

  “It’s just, John,” I said drunkenly. Though the effects were wearing off, I slapped the thickness on for good measure. Best to appear more incapacitated than I really was. I started scratching at the small hole in my palm, using my nail as a guide. I knew I was on the right track when I commanded the finger to move and the nail would sometimes catch on the hole.

  With a dramatic thunk, the lights above were shut off. To my left, flood lights pointed directly at us and thrust on, blinding me. I heard footsteps descending metal stairs, then padding on concrete. A figure stepping in front of the glaring lights and filled the entire warehouse with a long shadow. Locke’s body was unmistakable with his freakish height and stringy frame.

  “Do you cos-play as Slender Man?” I asked with slurred words.

  He started walking forward, letting the light slowly swallow his shadow as he approached.

  “Sometimes,” he said, matter-of-factly. “It is quite popular.”

  “Plus, you get to wear a mask to hide your fucked-up pie hole,” I added insolently.

  I could see his head drop to his chest as he started chuckling to himself. As if my comment made what he was about to do to us, that much sweeter.

  My nail found purchase and I ripped a big chunk of my palm open. Blood started to drip more quickly.

  Locke stop
ped just short of where I sat and tilted his head. The gold outline of his mask glinting in the lights. I realized he was hearing the drops hit the concrete and I moved my hands closer to the ground, pulling Depweg’s hands with me. He moaned in protest.

  I rubbed my wounded palm against the other, and then grabbed both wrists with bloody hands, making it look like my wrists were bleeding from the restraints. As Locke’s eyes fell upon our cuffed wrists, I let my hands drop back down.

  Finding nothing of substantial interest, Locke’s gaze returned to meet mine.

  My fingers found what was hidden; a small piece of iron. I gasped lightly when my fingers touched the metal, sending signals of electricity up my digits.

  From under a mask that left only his mouth exposed, Locke smiled when he saw me wince in pain.

  “How are you enjoying your stay with us so far? Anything I can get you? A spare pillow perhaps? Oh, I know, a mint for that blood breath of yours.” At this, Locke covered his mouth with his fist in an attempt to hide the smile that crept up on him.

  “The important thing is that at least you think you’re funny,” I said. His smile disappeared and he let his hand drop, clearly annoyed that I had taken his self-induced mirth away.

  There was a click that caught Locke’s attention. Eyes narrowing, he started to walk around to my side.

  Quickly, I let my fingers drop from the cuffs again, leaving the key in place. It was facing downward and Locke was walking on the wrong side to get a good view.

  “Oh dear, you’ve cut yourself Jonathan,” he said while continuing the walk around his prizes. He continued walking until he was in front of Depweg.

  “Why don’t you use your pixy powers to heal me?” I challenged. This grabbed his full attention and he was back in front of me in two, furious steps.

  He crouched down and grabbed my chin with one hand. In his other he produced a ball of light the size of a grain of rice. It was bright, like looking into a military grade flash light. Locke moved it closer to my face, allowing me to feel the warmth emanating from it. I tried to turn my head which made his grip on my chin tighter. His physical strength surprised me. Either that or I was weaker than I thought from the iron cuffs. It must have shown on my face because a shit eating grin grew on Locke’s.