Sidelines (Wounded Hearts #1)

by S. M. Smith

  Walking away, I’m vaguely aware that Logan is following me. I knew the rough draft needed some work, but my attention has been focused on getting through today. To say I’m a little behind on reading my email would be understating it a bit. I don’t say a word as I climb into my car and wait for Logan to take the passenger seat. When he gets in he slowly exhales and stares out the windshield.

  “I didn’t know.”

  I start the car and pull my sunglasses over my eyes so I can hide from the rest of the world for the short trip to The Kitchen. “It doesn’t matter.”

  We get a few blocks down the street before he responds. “Is that why you’ve been ignoring my calls since you got back?”

  Pulling up to a stop sign, I sigh. “It’s complicated.”

  He finally turns to me, his jaw set but the rest of his features expressionless. “Then explain it to me.”

  I pull away from the intersection and clear my throat. “Now’s not really the best time.”

  I watch him nod in my peripheral vision as I continue the drive to the soup kitchen set in a building behind the church. When we arrive, he doesn’t touch me or even stand too close, but takes up post at the dessert station and gives a kind smile with every plate he hands out. The rest of his family falls into various roles, serving and loving on the broken souls of Santa Cruz.

  Hours later, when the last plate is cleared and the last cot is claimed, my feet start screaming at me. It has been so long since I have served that I didn’t even think to grab a pair of flats. When I kick off my heels and start helping the girls, Emma grins at me.

  “I have some sandals in my bag, if you’d like.”

  I glance down at my bare feet and eye the dirty carpet. Many, many moons ago I had broken back into this very room and laid my face on this dirty floor to sleep. The image of a startled Maggie walking in on me waking from one of the first good nights of sleep since leaving my mom’s house will stay among my favorite memories for the rest of my days. “I’m fine.”

  It doesn’t take long at all before the last load of dishes is dried and put back in the cabinets. The little ladies who have really taken over since Maggie’s passing fuss over Sam and Jillian and the rest of the Lassiter clan, thanking them profusely for staying so long to help. Many volunteers had left when the last plates were served, trying to avoid the less coveted duties of cleaning up.

  “Oh, man! Nothing like working up an appetite by serving a small army a home cooked dinner.” Drew rubs his flat stomach as he picks up the suit jacket he had abandoned the moment we entered the shelter. “Where’s a good place that’s open this time of night around here, Mooreland?”

  “Luiz’s Taco stand should still be open. Or there’s an IHOP about ten minutes from here.”

  Lucy’s eyes light up at the idea of pancakes. “I vote for IHOP.”

  Logan rolls his eyes. “You always vote for IHOP.”

  Lucy starts to protest but Logan ignores her. “You up for some dinner?”

  I don’t realize he’s talking to me until no one else says anything. “Oh. I’m just going to call it a night. It’s been a long couple of days.”

  He eyes me, but I avoid making any eye contact.

  “Thank you all for coming. It means so much to me that you were here.”

  Jillian steps forward and wraps me in another hug. “Oh honey, you couldn’t have kept us away if you’d tried.”

  “I know what kind of a sacrifice it is for you to leave the farm and ranch so—”

  “It’s no sacrifice at all.” Sam steps up and wraps one arm around my shoulders.

  “Well, I’d invite you all over, but my apartment is tiny and we seriously wouldn’t all fit inside. And Walt’s house…it’s kind of a mess right now.”

  Jillian’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?”

  I reach for my shoes and busy myself with slipping them on. “I’ve been trying to go through everything, but it’s taking a while.”

  “You’re going through their house by yourself?”

  I swallow and give them a tight smile. “There really isn’t anyone else to…”

  Lucy and Emma exchange glances and I feel like I know them well enough to know what they’re cooking up.

  “I’m fine, really. I’m going to call a couple of the ladies from the church to come load up the stuff in the kitchen and bring it down here. Then I just need to put a few things up on Craigslist to sell and—”

  “We don’t mind sticking around and helping. It’s been awhile since we got to spend some time in good ole’ California.” Lucy’s conspiring eyes twinkle with an ulterior motive that I’m sure includes spending her afternoons half-dressed on the beach.

  “I only have a couple of days to get it all taken care of. I have to get back to work on Wednesday, so I won’t be much of a host.”

  “You’re going back to work so soon?” Jillian’s motherly concerns comes across loud and clear.

  I nod and try to take a steadying breath. “I really need to.”

  “I’m sure America can do without Allie’s Saturday Stats for a few more days,” Drew jokes. But even with his playful demeanor, I can’t shake Logan’s glare from behind his parents.

  “I have to finish the article and I’m behind on a few projects that I committed to last spring. But the work will be good for me. Help me to get back into the groove of things. Back into a routine.”

  Judging by the look on all their faces, no one is convinced.

  “Why don’t you guys go ahead and head to the restaurant and we’ll meet you there,” Logan suggests, taking the attention off of me. Trying to express my appreciation, I give him a tight smile, but he doesn’t return it. His siblings turn and start shuffling outside, but his parents stay back, clearly still concerned.

  “I’ll be fine, I promise,” I try to assure Jillian again.

  “I know you will, but you deserve to be better than fine, honey. I may never have gotten the privilege of meeting Walt and Maggie, but I know they’d want you to be more than just fine.”

  Feeling the tears start to well in my eyes again, I nod and bite down on the inside of my lip. Jillian’s sad smile cracks my resolve a little more.

  “How about we pick up some food and just meet you guys back at Drew’s,” Sam suggests. “There’s plenty of room and I’m sure Allie could benefit from the company. Then in the morning, we’ll all head over to the house and help get it all cleaned up so she can return to work in peace when she’s ready?”

  Logan glances my way but before I can protest any further, he nods his approval. “We’ll meet you there.”

  Jillian pulls me in for one more hug before following her husband out the door. I turn to check in with Maryanna, the overnight attendant for the shelter and she waves us off. Logan lets me walk out first, the hand to my back the first touch since Mac’s inquisition. The minute we step out into the chilly evening air, I hear my name being called.

  “Allie, can we say it’s official? Are you and Logan officially together?” Camera shutters start firing like automatic assault rifles and Logan’s steady hand moves around to my shoulder, shielding me from the three men with flashing cameras invading my privacy.

  “Is Princess Allie going to finally get her prince?” Jackson Coleman’s grating voice makes me pause but Logan presses me forward.

  “Don’t stop. Where are your keys?”

  I pull them from the convenient pocket in my dress and hold them to him. He deftly hits the button to unlock the car and guides me to the passenger side. I start to protest when I hear Jackson’s sidekick start with his own jeers.

  “I thought we had a deal, Allie? You were supposed to give us the scoop on all things Loglie.”

  Logan carefully nudges me into the car. I think for a moment he’s going to turn around and pummel the three stooges, but he quickly jogs around the front the car and slips in without saying a word to anyone.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  The evening sky darkens, shrouding us in the shadows
I feel all the way to my heart. It isn’t until the car comes to a stop that I realize we’re nowhere near my apartment and I didn’t give him instructions to the house. Through the front window, I see a beautiful, modernly designed, two story house with floor to ceiling windows along the front. The boxy cut of of the alcove to the front door is simple and classy; the peak above the front door reaches at least twenty feet high, giving the home a very welcoming feeling. The smooth river stone cascades down from the front porch like a waterfall, spilling over a set of long, wide steps and creating a beautiful pool to park in. The dark metals and light colored stones that side the house are illuminated with spot lighting and looks very much like a celebrity home.

  “I know you said you’re just going home to sleep, but I really don’t feel comfortable with you staying by yourself right now. So you can either stay here with all of us, or I’m calling Emma and Lucy down and they’re going home with you.”

  “Logan, I promise I’m fine. I—”

  “Allie.” He runs a hand over his tired face. “You don’t have to put up a front for me. I know.”

  Feeling unwanted tears approaching again, I turn away from him only to have him catch my chin in a gentle grip. He carefully pulls my face back to his, his own inching forward. For a moment, as his eyes search the depths of my own, I think he might kiss me. A tug in the back of my mind tells me kissing him won’t help me in any way, shape, or form, but the hole in my heart is begging for him to press his lips to mine. Instead he lets out a staggered breath and leans his forehead to mine.

  “I never should have let you get on that plane alone. Please, even if you don’t need it, do this for me.”

  The quiver in his voice sends a sharp pain to my chest, and before I can even start considering the consequences, I agree to stay. His rough thumbs brush the tips of my wet cheeks before he lets me go and jumps out of the car.

  I try my hardest to pull myself back together before he opens my door, but the chilly evening air just makes me shiver more. The second my hand meets Logan’s, I know he feels our undeniable connection because I’m practically pulled up and out of my seat and into his strong arms. He wraps himself so tightly around me I feel cocooned by his grace and love. He lays a hand on the back of my head, pressing me into his chest as if he cannot get me close enough and for a moment, I let him. But only for a moment because despite my temporary pain and anguish, I have to remind myself nothing can come of my feelings for Logan.

  I press against his chest enough to signal a need for him to let me go, but he refuses to let go of my hand as he leads me up the walkway.

  “Is this Drew’s home?”

  As if he could hear his name, the front door opens and a very pleased looking Drew greets us in a playfully grumpy look.

  “They’ve taken over my house,” Drew grumbles, but his mocking smile tells me that he’s happy to have his family around him right now. “And they’ve dragged you in as well. I’m sorry.”

  Narrowing my swollen eyes, he sighs.

  “You’re right. I’m the pushover who invited all y’all over.” He grins and holds out one arm to give me a side hug. His squeeze gives a little comfort, but not like any embrace I’ve shared with his brother. “Mi casa es su casa. Help yourself to whatever you need.” He lets us through and closes the door behind us, yelling at Lucy when he hears music start up from the other room.

  Logan tugs me closer to him and I feel the energy I need to push him away slowly starting to leak out of me. He guides me through the downstairs, giving me a quick tour and I can’t help but compare the glossy, straight-edged designs of Drew’s home to the rustic, natural designs of Logan’s. Although Drew’s home is gorgeously decorated, I feel a twinge of longing for the ranch and Hank.

  Oh how that dog wiggled his way into my heart so quickly. Just like his owner.

  Logan takes us around a wall and the space opens up to a beautiful kitchen that fits perfectly into the scheme of the house, complete with a chef’s range, a massive stainless steel refrigerator, and a breakfast bar that seats at least eight. I start to imagine the types of parties Drew could easily host, but when I see Sam and Jillian dancing around with each other as they take food out of the fridge, I’m overwhelmed by the sense of feeling like I’ve finally come home.

  But I haven’t.

  “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here.” Jillian sets down a bunch of asparagus on the counter and pads across the kitchen with her arms open wide.

  Her slender arms squeeze me like Maggie’s used to and I feel a lump start to form again. When she leans back and sees me struggling, she takes my hand and whirls me out of the kitchen and up a set of floating stairs, leaving Logan to the rest of his family. The lump continues to grow as she drags me down the hall and into a guest room where Emma is setting some clothes on the bed. Emma’s eyes light up when she sees me walk in.

  “Oh, good.” Emma reaches for me and hugs me tight, the pressure of her firm hold breaking the last of the resistance I was barely keeping together against the tears. When my tears turn to sobs, she walks us to the bed where she and Jillian sit on either side of me and just let me cry. At some point, Jillian’s sweet assurances break something deep inside and I can’t hold back my feelings anymore.

  “He was all I had left and he’s gone. I’m all alone again.”

  “Oh, honey, you are not alone.” Jillian pushes my head to her shoulder, her sweet tone trying, but failing, to comfort me.

  “You don’t understand. I have no one. No family. He was all I had left.”

  Emma’s fingers have found my hair and are running through my strands, giving me an oddly calming sensation. “Oh, you really don’t see it, do you?”

  I let out a very unladylike sniff and try to turn my eyes to hers. “Don’t see what?”

  She gives Jillian a knowing look. I feel Jillian smile against my hair before I sit up and look into her gorgeous eyes.

  “Honey, you’re not all alone. You never have been and I have a feeling you never will be again.”

  “But Walt and Maggie were the only people who ever cared enough about me. They were the only parents who truly loved me. They loved me unconditionally and always fought for my best. They knew all about my past and didn’t care.”

  “Allie—” Emma tries to interrupt me but like the flood gates have been opened, I can’t stop my confessions.

  “Maggie’s the only person who could handle knowing what those men did to me and Walt never blamed me for Danny leaving—”

  “Honey.” Jillian lays a hand on my soaked cheek and smiles patiently. “First, you have to know that God loves you unconditionally, too.”

  “But how can He? He knows everything I’ve done, too. That’s why He’s taken everyone I love away from me.”

  Jillian’s eyes soften and a patient smile pulls at her thin lips. “Allie, honey. That’s not how God works. He didn’t take anyone away from you because of things in your past. He calls people home when it’s their time, sweetie. And He knew the things that were going to happen to you the moment He created you. He—”

  “Then why did He let them happen? Why did He let all those men into my life and do the terrible things they did? Do you know I lost my virginity to a thirty-four-year-old man when I was twelve. Twelve! And you know what my mother did? She told me to stop crying about it so he could give her money for the coke she was distributing. She—” My whole body hiccups at the thought that the woman who brought me into this world cared less about me than she did about some drugs that only made her money she was just going to spend on whatever she could get her hands on to get her higher than a kite. “How could God let anyone go through something like that?”

  Both Emma and Jillian gasp at my words, just like I knew they would. But they didn’t get up and walk out of the room or throw me out like I expected them to. No, instead, Jillian’s eyes mist over and I can visibly see her heart break at my words.

  “Allie, honey, I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to understand the thing
s you went through, but I do understand that God had a purpose for the things you’ve gone through. He has a mission for you, Allie. He put you in Walt and Maggie’s path for a reason.”

  A million arguments run through my mind as I consider her words, but a tingling sensation causes goosebumps to grow on my arms while a load on my chest starts to lift, helping me feel like I can finally take a deep breath.

  How long had I been feeling the pressure on my heart? How long have I been hiding behind the shadows of my past?

  “I think He put you in Logan’s path for a reason, too.” Emma’s gentle voice draws me to look at her.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Well, so he’d finally fall in love—with you—and we could all be here for you when you need us the most.”

  A breath gets stuck in my chest and it takes a heavy cough to get my lungs to function again.

  “Fall in love with me? He doesn’t know anything about me.”

  Jillian’s knowing momma look tells me I’m missing something. “Honey, I think he knows more about you than you think he does.”

  All our conversations where Logan made me answer my own questions come back to me. Realizing some of what I’ve told him, he has to know me better than most people I know, including Mac.

  “Allie, you can’t imagine the happiness I have from watching the two of you these last few weeks. A parent wants the very best for their children and from the moment Logan graced the studio for that first interview, I saw it in his eyes. He’s changed so much in the last few months and the only thing I can attribute it to is you.”

  “Me?” Why does everyone think I’m some superhero getting Logan Lassiter to open up?

  “Allie, he respects you.”

  “Well, he has a very peculiar way of showing it sometimes.”

  Emma blurts out a laugh. “Yes. Yes, he does. But I’ve seen it too. He’s a very different person since he took that seat across from you back in February.”