Tarnished

by Erica Chilson

  “Ah… I see.” Dr. Cassidy’s eyes flick back and forth between Willa and me, with a tiny smirk on her face. “You both protect the other. Royce, that’s why I asked whether or not you wished for our initial session to be in private. But I fear I won’t get the whole story unless I can watch both of your reactions to your truths.”

  “I–I–I…” It’s my turn to stutter. “No matter how much it hurts, we need to get this out. If Donny were with us, I’d say the same thing in front of him. We can’t hide behind the lies anymore.”

  Dr. Cassidy looks stumped, like the way I think is baffling. “Willa said you don’t blame Donny, how you don’t blame Sean. She said no matter what she says, you won’t let her take responsibility for her actions, nor do you blame yourself.”

  “I blame her father,” I blurt out before I can edit myself. Since it’s out, I go with it. “Corbin Gillette is at fault.”

  “Did you tell Royce what you learned?” Dr. Cassidy turns her questions on Willa. “He might not hold this grudge if he could be more sympathetic toward your father’s kneejerk reaction.”

  “No,” Willa breathes.

  “Probably for the best. These types of things go best in a controlled environment. Just as how I said I’d like to be present for when you finally tell your children the truth.”

  Willa shakes her head emphatically, and I’m confused since I never thought we’d tell them. I turn to the side, jerking the pillow from behind my back. I wrap my arms around it and squeeze. I wonder if all of Dr. Cassidy’s patients hug her pillows. There is a bunch of teddy bears hanging out by her desk that draw my attention. I hope she brings them when she forces me to tell the kids the truth. I’ll need one then.

  “How about we start out easy, hmm?” Dr. Cassidy’s smile matches the bright and easy tone in her voice. “Royce, tell me about how you and Willa met.”

  “Ha! Easy?” Willa and I share a bitter laugh.

  9 years ago

  “Roy!” Sean shouts from the driveway. “Roy! Get rid of the kid. We gotta book it to Don’s. He’s got a surprise for us.”

  Hiding out behind the barn, I’m hanging up a basketball hoop for Brennan to practice with. “Just ignore him,” I mutter to Bren, trying hard not to laugh. My kid’s face is scrunched up, hating it when my friends stop by and whisk me away. My son loves to be shoved up my ass, just the way I want it.

  “You’ll go to Uncle Donny’s.” Bren pouts, flashing his brown puppy dog eyes. “We were gonna play Horse.”

  “Roy? Where ya at, bub? Stop playing hide and seek!”

  I put a finger up against my lips. “Be vewy, vewy qwiet.” I mimic Elmer Fudd. “Sean’s hunting wily wabbits.”

  “Jeez, Dad.” Bren rolls his eyes, and then he starts giggling. I reach over, turning into the tickle monster. “Yer givin’ us away!”

  Sean follows our laughter, finding Bren and me rolling around on the ground, wrestling and tickling the shit out of each other. I wish I could bottle the sound of my kid’s happiness.

  Hands tucked on his hips, Sean stares down at us smiling brightly. “I always wanted a little squirt, but…” My buddy leaves that trailing off. Sean Probst is a couple years older than me, same age as my brother and their buddy, Corbin Gillette. They take pity on me a few times a month and give me a good time up at my brother’s place, making me ditch my boy with his friends.

  Sean’s an odd duck– in his thirties and never married. He doesn’t seem to have much use for a woman, so I doubt he’ll ever have a kid. I like him anyway. Real nice feller. Corbin Gillette, on the other hand, is a mean sonofabitch who gets belligerent and ornery when he drinks. But I don’t get much choice in the matter, seeing as how I never made any friends besides Annie. Now that she’s gone, my brother’s taking pity on me.

  “What’s the surprise?” I roll over to my knees, and then stand. I reach down to pluck Bren off the ground, steadying him on his feet. “You never know with Donny.” I huff a laugh, remembering that time he bought a horse only for me to tell him it was a mule. “He got a goat this time?”

  “Better,” Sean says cryptically. “Fetch the squirt and drop him somewhere.” Loping across my yard, Sean shouts over his shoulder. “I’ll meet ya at Don’s.”

  I pop an eyebrow at the kid. “Franny or Jack?”

  “Jack is camping with Duane and Jesse.” Bren has a way with making normal words hold emotion. Right now, he’s very disappointed in me. “I told them no because you said we were gonna play Horse on the new hoop.”

  Bren’s guilt trips always make me miss my Annie. She was the queen of guilt trips, and she taught her son well.

  “Well, what if Uncle Don got a new dog?” I rest my hand on Bren’s bony shoulder. “Hmm? What if he got a new dog and I have to make sure it’s not vicious?”

  “If he’s nice, can I pet him?” Bren’s face glows and his voice pitches higher. “Please? Can I? Can I?”

  “Sure, kid.” I look away, trying hard not to laugh. What if there isn’t a dog?

  “Dad? I’m nine. I ain’t slow,” Bren deadpans. “C’mon, ya need to drop me off at Franny’s. You owe me big time, ‘cuz his sisters use us as dolls.”

  “Dolls?” I pull my keys from my pocket, following after my boy.

  “Dolls,” Bren stresses. “Sometimes the makeup doesn’t wash off, and Franny loves it.” He looks at me in exasperation, silently saying, “Look what you put me through.”

  “You like Franny, though, right? He’s your buddy.” We hop in my truck, and drive two streets over to Francis Parker’s house. I’m shifting into park and Bren still hasn’t answered me. “Brennan? You like Franny, right?”

  “Yes, Dad. He’s my best friend.” Bren turns to look out the window. “Franny’s different, like Sean.” His quiet, hesitant words don’t compute, because I don’t know what he’s getting at. But kids are more perceptive than adults sometimes. “He likes to play dress-up and be his sisters’ living doll. I put up with it because someone has to protect him.”

  Bren opens the truck door and hops out. “I’ll see ya later, Dad.”

  I watch my son stride up the front walk, and just before he gets to the door, I roll my window down and call out, “You know I love you, right? Just sometimes I need to play with my friends, too.”

  “I get it.” Bren knocks on the door, still staring at me. “I love you, too.” The door opens with a high-pitched girly squeal, and it’s coming from Franny. Brennan waves me off, slipping inside to play dress-up.

  I crank the radio up as high as it will go. I roll down both windows, loving the way the wind rushes inside the truck. The ride is smooth until I get outside of town and turn off the main drag. The tree-lined, dirt road is narrow, and it’s a thrilling ride going up and down the hills when driving too fast.

  Hillbilly roller coaster.

  The sense of freedom is intoxicating. Knowing I’ll begin missing Bren in about twenty minutes, I savor it.

  My brother lives on our old land. Daddy sold it off years ago when I needed cash to buy a place in town. Annie’s daddy had a laundry list of demands, and living in town was one of them. When Daddy and Annie died, one of the first things we did was buy back our birthright.

  A flatlander had bought it, and he tore down the house and outbuildings. He and his buddies would show up during hunting season with their travel trailers. With the land a blank canvas, Donny wanted a modular home and a barn. Feeling guilty because it was my fault that asshole destroyed our home, I gave my brother whatever he wanted out of my share of Daddy’s money. Since Donny’s like me, it wasn’t too extravagant.

  I pull up next to Sean’s car, surprised to see him waiting outside for me. “Donny built a fire pit!” I get excited as I jump out of my truck, taking note that’s the only new addition to the land. “Is that the surprise? I can’t wait ‘til Bren’s older and appreciates ours.”

  “You think the surprise is a fire pit?” Sean smirks at me like he finds me amusing. “How cute. Guess again.”

&n
bsp; I slowly turn in a circle, seeing nothing else out of the ordinary. Besides Donny’s flatbed with the welder on the back, only Corbin’s rust-bucket is in the driveway. “Why’d you wait out here for me?”

  Rubbing his hands together in anticipation, I notice his bruised knuckles. “Oh, I know what the surprise is, and I wanted to see your reaction up close.” Sean swaggers up the gravel, and I get what Bren meant about him being different. As I said, Sean’s an odd duck. “You ain’t gonna like it… but maybe you’ll be jealous.” Fury leaks into his voice. “I know I was.”

  Sean walks onto the small porch. He stands to the side, arm out like a gameshow host. “Voila,” he sings as he twists the doorknob. “Feel free to kick his ass some more.”

  My eyes drink in every available surface. Nothing looks different– same furniture I dragged in here last year. My brother’s sitting in his favorite recliner, sporting one helluva shiner on his left eye and a split lip. Neither one of us are very tall, but unlike me, Donny’s not stocky. He’s just a little guy, and I want to pummel Sean for punching him.

  Sean moves to stand behind Donny, like he plans on protecting him from me after telling me to go ahead and beat him. If it came down to a fight between Sean and me, he’d lay my ass out.

  “Oh, hi!” I step forward to greet the young girl sitting on the sofa with Corbin. “You must be Corbin’s little Willa.” I don’t really look at her while I shake her tiny hand. My eyes are on my brother, waiting for the punchline.

  “She ain’t my little Willa no more,” Corbin grunts. He has one arm wrapped around the girl’s shoulders while the other is bringing a beer can up to his lips.

  Movement catches my gaze, Willa’s slowly sliding down to the edge of the sofa, getting as far away from her father as she possibly can. She seems sedate, but ready to bolt if given the chance. She keeps eyeing the door, looking for escape.

  Eyes flicking to my brother, “What did you do?” I demand. Donny tries to get out of the chair, but Sean shoves him back down. “What’s going on?”

  “We good?” Corbin asks. He stands from the sofa, drains his beer, and then tosses it into the kitchen like the bastard he is. It rattles to the floor, nowhere near the trashcan. “We better be. It’s too late now. You’ve already tarnished the wares.” He makes his getaway…

  “You forgetting something?” I gesture to the girl trying to shrink into the couch.

  “Daddy?” Willa blurts out, but then her eyes are flicking all over the place, taking inventory of her surroundings. She looks at me, then Donny. She shrinks away when her eyes light on Sean. She flits across the room to the kitchen, getting as far away from the exit as she can possibly get. “Tell Momma I hate her, and tell War and Wynn I’ll be fine and I love ‘em.”

  “Yeah,” Corbin grunts. “I thought so. I’d rather stay ‘ere, if I was you,” he grumbles underneath his breath as he leaves. The door closing heavily has us all jumping out of our skin.

  “Explain,” I order like I’m in charge. Donny’s the one who gives the orders, usually passed down from Sean.

  My brother’s tongue-tied, and Sean is wearing a sadistic smile on his face. I decide to change my course of action. “Hey, girl. How about you and I have a bit of a visit?” Willa nods her head rapidly, deciding I’m not a threat. “There’s a bench on the back deck. It’s none too comfortable, but the view sure is breathtaking.”

  The girl takes a deep breath, obviously relieved I chose the exit that didn’t involve walking past my brother and Sean. “What’d you do?” I demand again, but don’t get an answer.

  “Hey, Roy?” Sean calls out after me as I cross the kitchen. “Go on out there and chat awhile with your new sister-in-law.” I miss a step, stumbling. I catch myself on the counter, praying this is all some sick game they’re playing.

  Surely Sean’s joking. Donny’s been married twice already, and neither marriage lasted more than a year. Kelly and Nicole left in a fog of rumors and speculation. Both women moving away shortly after the divorce.

  I find Willa sitting on the bench, back ramrod straight with pride. She’s gazing out over the landscape to the hills beyond. I use the opportunity to look her over. She’s a tiny little thing, but rugged, like she could be scrappy. Soft blonde curls frame her heart-shaped face. She’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt that look to be undisturbed.

  I settle next to Willa, leaving a bit of space between us. She turns her face to gaze at me and my breath catches in my throat. I freeze, understanding Sean’s jealous comment. But I’m not jealous of my brother; I’m mesmerized by Willa’s clear blue, intelligent eyes.

  “It’s true, ya know?” She’s a blunt little thing, like a ballpeen hammer. “Yer brotha and I are wed. Not that I wanted to, mind you. But I guess it’s too late for that now.”

  “Too late?” My eyes bulge out the more she speaks. “Not that you wanted to?”

  “Nah, I didn’t want nothin’ ta do with this business. But Daddy said we gotta eat, and I was his meal ticket.” Willa pierces me with her gaze. “Do ya got any idea what it’s like to be someone’s meal ticket? Do ya?” She looks me up and down, taking my inventory. “Too bad Daddy didn’t find you first. I bet you woulda had more sense than to take me like a dog.”

  “What?” I gasp, nearly choking on my tongue. I don’t know whether I should laugh or scream. I do know I’m going to murder my brother first, though.

  “Daddy drug me from my home with my brothers calling after me. I fought. I was kicking and screaming, and I got a few good licks in ‘cuz daddy couldn’t tarnish the merchandise, he said. A pen was shoved in my hand, forcing me to sign the license, and then I was carted here to the back bedroom– my new room –and taken like a dog for all of two seconds.”

  “Jesus Christ, you keep saying that, but I don’t think you know what you’re saying.”

  “War, my oldest brother, he raises coonhounds. I know exactly what I’m saying. It sure as shit ain’t what I saw my brother doing to all the neighbor girls. They seemed to enjoy it more than he did.”

  “Lord, help me,” I pray, eyes looking heavenward. “I don’t want the details. I take it you weren’t a virgin.”

  Quick and sharp, Willa smacks me across the face. Stunned, I hold my cheek while she stares at me in indignation. “I ain’t cheap,” she snarls. “I was worth twenty thousand.”

  “Twenty thousand?” Okay. Remembering Annie when I finally breached her, she bled a bit. “Are you doing okay? Ya know?” I vaguely gesture to her area. “Down there?”

  “I’m sore.” She pouts a great deal, putting Bren’s attempts to shame. “But I’ll deal. Your brother was quick. Maybe a minute or two from start to finish after I stopped fighting him.”

  Wait. “Did Donny force you?” My eyes flick all over Willa, noting there is nary a scratch on her perfect skin. “Did he?”

  “Donny was arguing with me about it. He slapped me like a bitch, but then I decided to get it over with. If I woulda tucked my tail and ran away, Daddy woulda beat me to death. So what’s spreading my legs for my new husband compared to that? If I’d known there was nothing to fuss about, I would’ve just bent over the second we walked into the room.”

  “Are you sure Donny finished?” I scrub my face with my palms. “I can’t imagine trying to do that with someone who didn’t want me back. I mean, the whole process involves wanting to do it.”

  “My husband’s willy was hard!” Willa shouts, offended. “I’m not ugly! I’m not stupid neither. I knows me some things. I knows what needs to be done, and it happened.” She glares at me with icy eyes. “I washed it outta me. Didn’t want it in me.”

  “Motherfucking bizarre,” I drawl. “Didn’t see this coming… Listen, I gotta talk to my brother.”

  “Yeah, yous better. But don’t let me alone with that Sean character. I’ma be in my bedroom if you need me.” The girl walks off like she already owns the place.

  “Hey, Willa?” I call after her. “How old are you? Eighteen? Twenty? A hundred and five?” I
t takes decades to perfect that attitude.

  “Fifteen,” she says with pride– the screen door slamming is her explanation point.

  Present

  “I missed you,” I say with a smile, forgetting where we are. My palm cups the back of Willa’s head, drawing her mouth to mine. I kiss her smiling face, her tears mingling with mine.

  “Wow…” Dr. Cassidy breaks into the moment. I move away from Willa. I scrub my face with my palms, clearing away the tears and embarrassment. “You don’t allow yourselves to remember that time, do you? Is it because it’s too painful?”

  “I wouldn’t say it was painful exactly.” I look to Willa, and I know we’re feeling the same unexplainable emotion. “It felt good to revisit it just then, though. But at the same time, it’s confusing and frustrating and shameful and painful. It’s just… too much.”

  “We’ve explored losing your virginity before, Willa, and you said it wasn’t a big deal. Was that the truth, or was it too painful to revisit?”

  Willa laughs, and it’s sweet and free. “It wasn’t much of anything. I mean, I grew up in the hollers. If it wasn’t for Warren and Daddy, I would have lost it a billion times before then. We don’t really put a price tag on it like you nice ladies do. It wasn’t about God. It wasn’t about respect. It was about not getting knocked up by our cousins, our guy friends, or our neighbors. Sex equaled another mouth to feed, and it wasn’t worth spreading your legs for someone who couldn’t feed ya.”

  Dr. Cassidy is rendered speechless, but all I feel is relief. This. This odd, unique, blunt creature is the Willa we’ve all missed, and I pray to God she leaves this therapy session with me.

  “Donny was my husband, and it was my duty to pull up my nightgown, roll on my side, and let him thrust inside me for about two minutes every night. I didn’t know I was missing something until I was taught otherwise.” Willa laughs hard, snorting. “God, the night Donny realized I’d learned a new trick, it freaked him the fuck out. He seriously didn’t want me to get anything out of it because it threw him off his game. He never touched me again after that.”