by LA Witt
Eyewitnesses all confirmed the verbal dispute was between Shane and Commander Morris, but Morris had thrown the first and only punch. Gonzales and Mays had neutralized him without excessive force. Everything was cut and dry, and I had a feeling Morris wouldn’t argue once he’d sobered up.
That idiot’s career was probably over. If I didn’t navigate this minefield the right way, Shane’s career and mine might be over too. Or mine could go down in flames while I kept my mouth shut for Shane’s sake. Not that I’d get kicked out for handling this case badly, but if I went to mast and the skipper decided to strip me of a rank and make an example out of me? If he found a reason to call it dereliction of duty? Then I was fucked. I’d been in sixteen years, so I was past high-year tenure for a second class. If I was busted down a rank, I’d be discharged. Good-bye retirement, hello unemployment.
And if anyone found out why I’d pawned the case off on a younger, less-experienced cop, retirements would be the least of our worries. Shane and I could both kiss honorable discharges good-bye.
Fuck, Randall. What are you doing?
I ran a hand through my hair. It wasn’t like Shane and another officer would get into fisticuffs on a regular basis. This was likely a fluke. A one-time thing.
But what if he got into a fender bender? Witnessed one? Witnessed a fight between a couple of drunk officers? Had something stolen from his car?
Bumping into each other on base was one thing. We could salute each other, act like we didn’t know each other out of uniform and move on.
Just showing up today could have gotten us both in deep shit. If I had so much as spoken to him, and someone subsequently found out about our relationship, the entire investigation would have been compromised, and we’d both be court-martialed so fast our heads would spin. The guy who punched Shane probably wouldn’t be in as much trouble as we would be.
Even now, if someone found out, we’d be fucked. And if someone got any more curious than Chief about my hesitation to get involved…
I exhaled.
Then I took my phone off my belt. Shifting uncomfortably, I debated doing this now or doing it later. No. It had to be now. It had to be now, before I lost my nerve.
I sent Shane a text: Blue Roof Izakaya tonight?
~*~
I stared into my beer. Every time someone walked past on the other side of the closed door, my heart thudded in time with their footsteps until they’d gone far enough for me to be sure they weren’t Shane. For the first time since we’d met, I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to do this, but what choice did I have?
The door slid open, and a waitress gestured for Shane to go in. He asked her to bring him an Orion beer, toed off his shoes and joined me in the room. He kissed me lightly, then sat across from me.
Once we were alone, I muffled a cough. “How’s your jaw?”
He touched it gingerly, then moved it from side to side. “It’s been better.”
I avoided his eyes. I had no idea what to say. Well, I knew what I needed to say, but I wasn’t ready to go there yet. God, this wasn’t like me. I was used to cutting to the chase and skipping the small talk, but this was one point B that I was in no hurry to reach.
Finally meeting his eyes, I struggled to work up the nerve.
I wish I could tell you I love you.
Shane reached across the table and put his hand over mine. “Look, I’m sorry you had to be in that position today. I’ve kind of worried for a while that things would get out of hand with Morris, but that…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Eric.”
“It’s not your fault. But…” I took a deep breath. As much as it hurt, and probably stung him too, I slid my hand out from under his. Folding my arms on the edge of the table, I made myself look at him. “I think it might have been too close a call.”
“What do you mean?” The hint of panic in his voice made me flinch.
I swallowed. “My chief is threatening me with mast if anything about this investigation is off.”
He exhaled hard and raked a hand through his hair. “God, I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged halfheartedly. “It’s done. We can’t change it. But if anyone asks questions…”
“I know,” he said with a nod. “Do you think they will?”
“I don’t know. I mean, they’re questioning how I handled it today, but as far as us…” My heart sank. I knew where I had to take this, and it killed me to think about it, but I couldn’t keep putting it off. I wrapped both hands around my glass and stared into the shallow reserve of beer left in the bottom. “We can’t do this. I need…” I trailed off, closing my eyes for a long moment. I need you so bad it hurts. Then I made myself look him in the eye again but couldn’t quite keep my voice even. “I need this to be the last time we see each other.”
His lips parted. “Eric, we—”
“We can’t do this.” I swallowed hard. God, I want to. I can’t even tell you, Shane. My throat ached, and it was all I could do to keep my voice from breaking. “Today was… We can’t risk a closer call next time.”
“Think about it,” he said. “What happened today, what are the odds of it happening again?”
“What were the odds of it happening in the first place?”
“Considering Morris and I won’t be working together after this, I don’t think we have to worry about it happening again.”
“And what if you get into a fender bender on base?” I shook my head. “If I’m called to a scene, and I refuse to take a statement from you again, people are going to ask questions. I don’t know how to answer those questions, Shane.”
He winced and looked away, but didn’t speak.
“We both have too much on the line. We can’t take this risk.” No matter how much I love you. “It’s not fair, but this is what we signed up for.” As I reached into my pocket and pulled out a few coins, I added, “There’s nothing we can do about it. You know that as well as I do.” I dropped a few hundred yen beside my glass. “This will cover my bill. I…I need to go.” I got up and started for the door.
“Eric.”
I turned and looked back at him.
“Have you considered this might be worth what we’re risking for it?” he asked.
I dropped my gaze. Forcing back emotion, I avoided his eyes as I said, “Yes, I have.” I put my hand on the door and, just before I slid it open, added, “But that was before today.”
And before I could think of another reason to stay, I left.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Shane & Eric
The door closed behind Eric with a hollow thud.
I sat back against the wall and closed my eyes. My jaw still throbbed relentlessly, keeping today’s fiasco at the forefront of my mind, just in case there was any chance I might try to think of anything else. I could blame Morris for all of this until I was blue in the face, but I knew better than to get involved with an enlisted man.
Morris had bruised my face, but this? This was all Eric and me.
The door opened, and my heart jumped. For a split second, I thought Eric had come back, but it was the waitress bringing the beer I’d ordered earlier.
She handed me my beer, then slid the door shut again.
Alone again, I didn’t take a drink. I rested my elbow on the table and pressed the glass against my jaw. The cold lessened some of the throbbing, but I was far from getting anything I could call relief.
I knew why Eric left. I understood. I wanted to be pissed at him for leaving, but the only anger I could muster was directed at the military regulations that made our relationship criminal. I supposed I knew deep down that this couldn’t last, but my God, it hurt to watch him go.
I lowered the glass and took a long swallow of beer. As soon as the cool liquid met my palate, my eyes stung.
I wished to God I hadn’t ordered Orion.
~*~
All the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about Shane.
I stared out the window of my taxic
ab. I couldn’t read any of the signs, and they wouldn’t have made any more sense if they’d all been in English. Bright lights and colors ran together. Kanji and English alike blurred.
Wiping my eyes, I shifted my gaze away from the scenery. I wrung my hands in my lap.
The taxi pulled up in front of my apartment, and I numbly counted out the fare. After he’d given me my change, I trudged up the stairs, my feet heavy like they were encased in concrete.
We knew this could happen. We knew from the start this was a bad idea.
I was supposed to be worried about getting caught, Shane, but I’ve been too busy falling in love with you, and look at us now.
My stomach twisted. My head throbbed. I knew I’d made a colossal mistake, but I couldn’t say if the mistake was the beginning or the end of the relationship. There was no other choice. I had to end it. We couldn’t keep doing this. But if it was the right thing to do, then why did it feel so damned wrong to walk away?
~*~
After Eric left, I stayed at the Blue Roof Izakaya for…I couldn’t say. A half hour? Maybe an hour? I wasn’t sure and didn’t really give a fuck. When I was finally sure I could trust my knees to stay under me, I paid my tab and left.
The cab dropped me at the foot of my apartment. I wasn’t nearly drunk enough yet, so I pulled a beer out of the refrigerator and went out onto my balcony for some air.
I rested my hands on the railing and stared out at the night. The beer I’d brought out with me stayed untouched and unopened beside me.
This couldn’t possibly be the way things ended with us. Not when in six, nine, twelve months, Eric could be an officer.
Or…not.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall forward and exhaled. It shouldn’t have hurt like this. We hadn’t even been dating that long, and I supposed we both knew it couldn’t last forever. But my God, the only split that had been painful like this was when Katie and I broke up after my combat deployment. And this was different. I didn’t feel betrayed or like Eric had lied to me. I didn’t wonder how much of the last few months had been real and how much he’d faked. No, it was all real. Of that I had no doubt. It was real, and so was this deep sense that everything was suddenly wrong in the world.
God, Eric, you just don’t know how much I love you.
Or maybe he did. And maybe that was why he knew we couldn’t continue.
~*~
I am so, so sorry, Shane.
With an unopened beer on the railing beside me, I stood on my balcony and stared out into the night.
You did the right thing. You were just stupid to wait until you got this attached.
My own thoughts made me wince. It was the right thing. There was nothing else I could have done. Nothing else we could do.
I pulled out my phone and scrolled to Shane’s name.
Edit contact.
Delete contact.
Are you sure you want to permanently delete ‘Shane’ from your contacts?
My thumb hovered over the button.
It was over. The long overdue ending had come and gone.
Are you sure you want to permanently delete ‘Shane’ from your contacts?
Well, Eric. Are you?
Cursing to myself, I pressed the Cancel button and shoved my phone into my pocket. I couldn’t do it. Not tonight, at least. I just…I wasn’t ready for that. I’d regretted not getting his number when I first met him, and I couldn’t quite bring myself to delete it just yet.
Splitting with my last boyfriend hadn’t hurt like this. Not even close. That breakup had been just as inevitable, but deep down, he and I had both known we weren’t playing for keeps. With Shane, I…I couldn’t make sense of it. I couldn’t even begin to dull the sting with reassurances to myself that this was for the best.
How much was I willing to give up for this career? I’d already lost time I could never replace with my daughter. I’d spent almost two years in the blazing-hot desert with bullets and mortars flying over my head, and at least three combined years at sea.
For the sake of my career, was I really willing to give up the love of my life?
The thought made me flinch.
The love of my life.
He was. Of course he was. Who was I kidding?
But I’d signed the contract. I’d sworn to defend this country with my life and obey, on penalty of court-martial, the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Hell, I’d pledged to uphold the UCMJ when other Sailors violated it. I’d agreed to it knowing full well what constituted conduct unbecoming a gentleman, but meeting a man like Shane had never been part of the deal.
This wasn’t right. The Navy had already taken enough from me.
But what else could I do?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Shane
On Monday, everyone at work kept their distance. Gonzales came into my office to see how I was doing, but she figured out quickly that I wasn’t in the mood to be social. I let her believe it had to do with what happened with Morris.
With Mays, I was a bit more candid.
“Sorry you and Gonzales had to get involved,” I said.
Mays shrugged. “I wasn’t going to let him beat your ass.”
I laughed dryly. “You don’t think I could have taken him?”
He chuckled. “Well, probably. But then you’d be in trouble, so…” He shrugged again. “So how did things go with security? I mean, since…”
I kept my voice low. “The MA2 handled everything. Eric kept his own name off everything, didn’t talk to any of us.”
Nodding, Mays said, “Smart move on his part.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a breath. “At least one of us was thinking that night. I—” I stopped abruptly when my desk phone rang. I scowled at the extension that lit up. “That’s the skipper.” I picked up the handset. “Yes, sir?”
“I’d like to see you in my office. At your earliest convenience, please.”
My heart quickened. That was the captain’s code for “Get your ass in my office now.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll be right there.” I hung up and stood.
Mays stood too. “Boss wants to see you?”
“Yep. This should be fun.”
He clapped my shoulder as we walked out of my office. “Relax. You didn’t do anything wrong. He probably just wants to hear your story.”
“Thanks,” I said quietly.
At the end of the hall, he went left to go back to his own office, and I went right to go see the captain.
Steeling myself, I knocked.
Captain Warren opened the door. “Commander.”
I swallowed. “You wanted to see me, Sir?”
“Have a seat.” He gestured at the chair in front of his desk as he went around to sit in his own chair.
I sat, trying not to look as nervous as I was.
He leaned back, his desk chair squeaking in the otherwise silent office. “So what exactly happened the other night?”
I kept my eyes down. “Commander Morris was drunk. I’d had a little bit myself, but I…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “He has a tendency to run off at the mouth when he’s drunk. I let it get under my skin, and I said something that admittedly provoked him. Then…” I trailed off, making a sharp gesture at the bruise on my face before resting my hands in my lap.
He steepled his fingers below his chin. “So you’re aware of Morris’s drinking problem.”
“Yes, sir. That’s…that’s why we go with him. It’s either that, or he drinks alone, and we’re all concerned about him getting a DUI.”
He nodded slowly. “The admiral isn’t going to be pleased about this situation.”
“I know, sir.” I folded my hands in my lap to keep from wringing them.
“That said, I’m going to recommend that you not receive any kind of reprimand,” he said. “From everything I read in the statements and after speaking with security, it sounds like Commander Morris did all the attacking.” His expression softened a little, and he laughed. “Men lik
e him, makes you wonder why they don’t raise the drinking age to forty. But then I suppose that would mean mutiny from the enlisted ranks.”
I forced out a laugh and nearly choked on it. A prickle of panic spiked up the length of my spine, as if the mere mention of the word enlisted would give away that I had been sleeping with MA1 Randall.
The captain didn’t notice, though. He dismissed me, and I went back to my office.
Staring out my office window, I gritted my teeth.
I couldn’t ask Eric to risk his career for me, but I also couldn’t walk away as easily as he apparently could. What was at stake didn’t change what I felt for him.
I couldn’t help it.
I loved him.
~*~
A day passed.
Two.
Three.
A week.
Another.
Morris was long gone. Our after-work beers—no Orion for me—were less frequent now that we had no one to babysit. More pleasant now too, for the same reason. I had a hell of a time mustering any enthusiasm for the beer, the food or the company, though, so more often than not, I didn’t bother going.
Tonight, I needed it. Beat the fuck out of staying home, drinking alone and being depressed, after all. It was probably just as well I was roped into being DD. Drinking was probably the last thing I needed to be doing.
Gonzales elbowed me. “Man, what is wrong with you lately? You miss your brawling buddy or something?”
I forced a laugh and picked up my Coke. “Yeah, something like that.”
She eyed me. “You get dumped or something?”