by LA Witt
I shot her a glare, and she tensed.
“Oh.” She cleared her throat, and her cheeks colored. “Sorry, I thought…you said you weren’t…”
“It’s okay.” I took a drink, and when I glanced at Mays, his inquisitive expression raised my hackles. It was all I could do to keep my irritation out of my voice as I said, “I’m not seeing anyone now. Let’s just leave it at that.”
The question lingered on his face, but he didn’t push it. Neither did Gonzales.
At home that night, I lay back on my long-since-cooled sheets, staring up at the ceiling like I had the morning I’d finally gotten Eric’s number. Hadn’t I known then that this was a bad idea? I couldn’t have foreseen exactly how things would go down, but even then, I had to have known the end was inevitable. I didn’t think it would hurt like this, but if I was honest, the end no more surprised me than did the tears stinging my eyes.
I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. This hurt, this sucked, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Eric was right. This was how it had to be. It would take time to get over it, but I had to make peace with it and move on. No matter how we felt about each other, we couldn’t be together. We’d signed the contract. We’d agreed to the rules. Such was life in the military.
The next day at work, I felt a little better. Some time, some distance, some objectivity, it all conspired to help me inch closer to accepting that no matter how much it hurt to be away from him, this was how it had to be.
Then, around the time my day was winding to a close, my text message alert went off. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, and my heart jumped into my throat when I saw the name: Eric.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Eric
Okinawa wasn’t the same without Shane.
Alone on the highest wall of Katsuren Castle, surveying the panoramic view that had once been foreign, it was all I could do to keep my vision clear enough to take in all the places that were now familiar.
Across the water, at the other end of the long, meandering bridge, was Henza Island, where Shane had cracked me up by swearing at a slow sugarcane truck that wouldn’t get out of the way. Then Miyagi Island, where we’d pulled over to get a picture of a vending machine standing between a pair of tombs. Ikei Island, where I’d caught him giving me a look that left me weak in the knees, and he’d whispered a promise that had me tingling and fidgeting until we made it into bed hours later.
Eyes stinging, I shifted my gaze in a different direction, but it didn’t matter. Every inch of this place had Shane’s name on it now. If I could have seen Nakagusuku from here like people once could, I’d have seen the two of us walking along the walls, bantering about Nikons and Canons and the haunted hotel. And all around, there was the turquoise water where he’d teased moray eels, sea urchins and puffer fish. And the roads that had taken us to distant, discreet places where we could pretend we were just a couple of guys taking in the sights.
Okinawa wasn’t the same without Shane, and neither was I.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time and also to see if Shane had replied to my text. He hadn’t, and it had been an hour since I’d sent it. I stared at my phone, wondering if sending that message had been a good idea or if I was just pouring salt in my own wounds. Being here alone was bad enough when every minute wasn’t a reminder that he probably wasn’t coming.
He hadn’t responded to my text, and I doubted he would.
I pocketed my phone and looked out at the scenery again. The cicadas were noisy as always, electrifying the air with their deafening buzzing, but my heartbeat drowned out all but the most enthusiastic among them. Could I blame him if he didn’t come? After I’d rattled off all the reasons we couldn’t be together and then walked away from him? Every reason he had to stay away from me was a reason I’d handed to him.
“I need this to be the last time we see each other.”
I flinched at the echo of my own words. Maybe that had been the right thing to do, but for the last two weeks, the thought that kept me up all night, every night, was that we shouldn’t have been apart. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. It didn’t fucking make sense.
More than once, I’d thought about going to Palace Habu to find someone else, but I’d only be kidding myself if I said I was searching the crowd for any face but Shane’s. I didn’t want another man. I wanted him. And I stayed the fuck away from the club because I was afraid he’d be there with someone else.
Over the electric buzzing of cicadas, a faint scuff made it to my ears. Then another. Slowly, with my heart thundering in my chest, I turned around.
Shane came around the top of the stairs, and from across the grassy enclosure, our eyes met. I didn’t breathe as he came across the enclosure, grass hissing past his shoes.
A few feet shy of the wall on which I stood, he stopped. He hooked his thumbs in the belt loops on his khaki shorts but didn’t look even remotely casual or relaxed.
“I’m assuming you wanted to talk?” His tone was flat, his expression blank, betraying absolutely nothing to let me gauge if he was hurt, angry, numb, apathetic.
“Yeah.” I chewed my lip. God, where do I start?
He glanced over his shoulder. Then he looked at me again and shifted his weight. “We shouldn’t be here.”
“We shouldn’t have been here the first time.”
Shane looked away, shifting his gaze out toward the ocean.
“No one else is going to come up here,” I said.
“I know, but…” He exhaled hard, still avoiding my eyes.
“But you came anyway.”
He finally looked at me again. “Yeah, I did.”
We held each other’s gazes, each waiting for the other to say…something. Anything. Since I’d initiated this, I needed to say it, but damn if I could remember any of the words that had replayed in my mind all the way up here from the parking lot. Hoping for the best, I took a deep breath and spoke.
“Look, about what I said at the Izakaya, I’m sorry. You were right.” I swallowed. “This is worth the risk.”
“Eric, think about what you’re saying.”
I stared at him. “I thought you said—”
“I know what I said.” Shane’s tone was gentle, but firm. “And watching you walk away that night hurt like hell.” He cleared his throat. When he spoke this time, his tone wavered. “Just like I know it’s going to hurt like hell to walk away from you tonight.”
My heart dropped. “Shane…”
“Between us, we’ve invested over thirty years in the Navy,” he said. “What happened the other day could have cost us both everything we’ve worked for. We both have kids to look after, and we have civilian careers to think about after we retire. I…” He exhaled, then shook his head. “I don’t see how we could do this.”
I swallowed. “My LDO should go through in a few months. We just have to keep this on the down low until it does.”
He exhaled. “And you know as well as I do, that still won’t solve everything. I’ll still outrank you. We could still get in trouble.”
“A hell of a lot less trouble than we can get into now.”
He pursed his lips. “And if the package isn’t approved?”
“Then…I…” I ran a hand through my hair before making a sharp, frustrated gesture. “I don’t know. If it doesn’t, I’ll try again.”
“And then what?” He gave an apologetic shrug. “We wait another six to nine months until it’s denied again?”
“If it’s what we have to do. I know we’d be risking a lot, but…” I dropped my gaze and bit my lip, not sure how to finish the sentence.
“Eric?”
I made myself look him in the eye. “There’s a lot at stake here, but I think this is worth it.” I willed my voice to stay steady as I whispered, “I think you’re worth it.”
“And if something happens again?”
“Honestly?” I forced myself to hold his gaze. “They can take my damned retirement.”
“That’s easy to say now,” he said. “But what about Marie? My kids? Our careers after the Navy? It’s just…it’s not that simple.”
“Shane, I”—I shook my head—“I’m sorry. That’s all I can say.”
“So am I.” He took a step back. “But we can’t do this.” Another step. “You know we can’t. I think it’s better if we just let it go.”
With that, he turned to leave.
“Shane, wait.”
He stopped and turned around.
“Look, I know full well what we’d be risking,” I said, speaking quickly now. “That night, I was scared, all right? Everything with the assault case, it freaked me out. But ever since I walked out of the Izakaya, I haven’t been thinking about my career or getting court-martialed or anything.”
He inclined his head, his eyes asking the unspoken question.
I hooked my thumbs in my belt loops in a feeble attempt to look less tense than I was. “I’ve only been thinking that walking away was a huge mistake.”
“But how can we do this? We’ve already had one close call. We’ll still have to keep it on the down low, and my God, you know as well as I do how exhausting that can be.” Shane paused, shifting his gaze toward the ocean again. “I put you in a situation where you had to choose whether to risk your career or both of our careers.” He faced me. “I can’t do that to you again. If that MA2 had fucked up…” He shook his head. “I can’t ask you to put yourself in that position for me again.”
I wanted to look him in the eye, but for the first time since I’d met him, his eyes were too intense. Or maybe I was just too afraid of what I needed to say. Of what he’d say once I finally forced out the words.
Hoping for the best, I made myself speak. “I have already put so much shit on the line for the Navy.” My voice tried to crack, but I kept going. “I’ve been shot at. I’ve had mortars fired at me. I’ve been closer than I care to think about to more than one IED.” I paused, struggling to keep my emotions in check. “I’ve missed out on a quarter of my daughter’s life, and now I’ve been moved thousands of miles away from her.” Though I wanted to look anywhere but right at him, I made myself meet his eyes. “The Navy has taken so damned much from me. I’m not ready to let it have the one time I have ever really been in love with someone.”
Shane’s lips parted. “What?”
I dropped my gaze to the ages-old stones at my feet. I’d never in my life been reduced to this, to fearing eye contact like a terrified kid, but I was so, so afraid he’d turn and walk away.
Relief rushed right through me as he took a couple of tentative steps forward. “And what happens if something like the other night happens again? I know I put you in a bad position, and I don’t want to do that to you again.”
With a cautious grin, I said, “Well, you could start by not antagonizing another officer until he punches you.”
We both laughed softly.
Then I went on. “I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know what will happen with any of this. The only thing I’m sure of is that I want to be with you, even if we have to continue keeping it a secret until we retire.”
He avoided my eyes again.
“Look,” I said. “Even if we can’t date, I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
“I don’t think we can be friends, though.” Taking a deep breath, Shane looked at me. “Not now that I know you feel the same way I do.”
My heart leaped into my throat. “You do?”
“Yes,” he said softly. “I do.”
He stepped closer again, this time stopping a foot or so from the wall. Our eyes met.
Then he put his hand up. I reached for his, and we clasped hands around each other’s forearms. I helped him up onto the wall, and in an instant, we were face-to-face. Inches apart. Almost too close.
The intensity in his gaze bordered on too much, and I broke eye contact. “Shane, I’m sorry. About that night.”
“Me too.” With two fingertips, he raised my chin. Our eyes met again.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you too.”
Stroking my face, Shane held my gaze for a moment. Then he laughed at something and looked out at the distant water.
“What?” I asked.
“I guess…” He chuckled again and gave me a sheepish look. “I guess I’m just really not good at doing what I should when it comes to you.”
And he kissed me.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Shane
Clothes on the floor and arms around each other, we sank into Eric’s bed.
It didn’t matter if this was right or wrong anymore. It just was, and it needed to be. All the way up to the castle, I’d asked myself what the hell I was thinking, and all the way here I’d wondered how the fuck I’d lasted this long without him.
With Eric under me and his arms around me, with his mouth against mine and his breath rushing across my skin, I was simultaneously about to lose my mind and closer to sane than I’d been in recent memory. My pulse was out of control, blood surging through my veins as my heart pounded with nerves and relief and anticipation.
We shouldn’t do this.
We have to do this.
We can’t do this.
We need to do this.
“God, I’ve missed this,” he said, panting between kisses.
“I’ve missed you,” I said and kissed him hungrily. Neither of us spoke. My head spun, my body tingled, and if not for the gasps and moans he brought out of me, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered breathing.
Eric broke the kiss. “Holy hell, I want you.”
“Likewise.” I pressed my cock against his. “I want you to fuck me, Eric.”
“With pleasure,” he growled. “Let me get a condom.”
We pulled apart enough for him to reach for the condoms he kept next to the bed, and we didn’t waste any time. I rolled onto my back, Eric put on the condom and lube, and then he positioned himself over me again. We both released ragged breaths as he guided himself to me, and we both moaned as he pushed in. He was slow at first, careful, and it took all I had not to beg him to force himself all the way in. I wanted every inch of him, and I didn’t care if it hurt.
After a few cautious strokes, though, he picked up speed. Not much, not his usual fast and furious pace, but oh God, it felt amazing.
I looked up at him, and, eyes locked, both of us panting, we moved together. Slowly, smoothly, like we’d done this enough times to perfect it, like it had been perfect from the beginning, like it didn’t matter when we’d gotten it right because it was perfect right now.
I touched his face with an unsteady hand. I still couldn’t quite believe he was here, that we were here. A million memories flashed through my mind—Eric riding me on the beach of Komaka, his back arching off my apartment door while I sucked him off the first night, the way we’d fucked each other senseless the night he put Glenn in his place—and every one of them added up to everything about this moment making perfect sense. Going our separate ways was an ending that didn’t fit, a conclusion that didn’t match the facts. This was right. This was how it needed to be.
I slid my hand behind his neck and raised my head off the pillow as I pulled him down to me. “God, I love you,” I said.
“I love you too,” he said and kissed me. Even as he moved faster, he still kissed me, both of us breathing hard as he went from slow and easy to the kind of hungry, forceful rhythm that always drove me insane.
Eric raised himself up on his arms, and he fucked me hard and fast, driving the air right out of my lungs. His bed creaked and groaned beneath us, and I didn’t give a damn if anyone heard us. Not his neighbors, not his chain of command, not my chain of command. Fuck them all. I needed him.
“Oh…fuck…” He let his head fall forward, his lips pulled tight across his teeth and his eyes screwed shut.
Abruptly, he stopped. He withdrew, and before I could find enough air to protest, his mouth was a
round my cock. I shivered so violently, I damn near sat upright. Propping myself up on my elbows, I stared down at him, my lips parted and my breath barely moving. He swallowed me slowly, an inch at a time, almost deep-throating before rising again.
He stroked the shaft with one hand and teased the head of my cock with his lips and tongue. Going from being fucked to being at the mercy of his hand and mouth was beyond intense, beyond incredible, and there was no way I’d last. Not when he knew just how hard and fast to stroke and just when and where to swirl his tongue.
“Oh God…” I rested my hand in his hair and let my head fall back. “Oh God, Eric, I’m gonna…oh fuck…”
I collapsed back onto the bed, and everything turned white. My whole body seized with the force of my orgasm, and there was nothing I could do but lie back and ride every last, incredible, spine-melting wave. By the time my vision cleared, Eric was over me again, and when he kissed me with salt on his tongue, I was almost certain I was about to come again. Christ, this man turned me on like no other. I grabbed his shoulder and the back of his neck, lifting my head off the pillow in search of more of his kiss.
He pulled away, though. Confusion mingled with panic for a few seconds before I realized what he was doing. As soon as he opened the lube bottle, I couldn’t help whimpering softly. God, yes…
He put on some more lube, then set the bottle aside and guided himself to me again. With the aftershocks of my orgasm still crackling along the length of my spine, I could barely stand it as he pressed into me. He moved slowly, gently, but holy fuck, the sensation of his cock sliding into me was so damn intense.
Holding my gaze, he kept fucking me slowly, and I rocked my hips just enough to complement his smooth, fluid strokes.
Then he closed his eyes and furrowed his brow, digging his teeth into his lower lip. Though he moved slowly, every muscle in his body quivered, from his abs to his shoulders, and the cords on his neck stood out.
I rocked my hips back a little more. Eric groaned, the creases between his eyebrows deepening, and he fucked me just a little harder, a little faster.