If I Should Go (Novella)

by Amanda Brooke

  ‘And?’

  ‘I tried to tell them that I needed it for my number eight but they still wouldn’t let me have one,’ Hope said. ‘And then Mrs Carnegie said I didn’t have to use green!’ Hope’s chin pushed against Rachel’s hand as she tried to lower her head, only managing to lower her voice. ‘I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about.’

  Rachel stifled a laugh. ‘So what did you do then, Hope?’ she asked, raising an eyebrow.

  Her daughter wriggled free so she didn’t have to face her mum. ‘I got a bit cross.’

  ‘And was that why Mrs Carnegie sent you out for some quiet time?’

  Hope ground her shoe into the pavement. ‘I wasn’t very quiet.’

  ‘Why, what did you do?’

  When the little girl looked up, tears were welling in her eyes and her mouth quivered. ‘I cried.’

  Rachel’s lips trembled in sympathy. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart but you can’t get angry like that. You have to learn to share.’

  ‘But it was the Red Table’s fault! I needed the green crayon and …’ Hope began but was stopped in her tracks by her mother’s warning glare. ‘OK, I promise.’

  ‘Good,’ Rachel said as she finally opened the gate and allowed her daughter to escape the interrogation.

  Hope dragged her feet the few steps to the front door, the problems of the day lying heavily on her mind. ‘What colour is your number eight, Mummy?’ she asked, but for once her mum didn’t have an answer.

  ‘You know what this is all about, don’t you?’ Karen said as soon as Hope had emptied her bowl of ice cream and disappeared into the living room to watch TV.

  Rachel was at the sink, her hands immersed in warm soapy water as she made a start on the dishes. She didn’t look at her mum or ask her to explain. She waited for her to open up the conversation that was already well overdue.

  ‘She knows something’s going on.’

  ‘It was your idea to keep Hope in the dark,’ Rachel reminded her.

  ‘And bumping into Martin today will only make matters worse.’

  Rachel glanced over her shoulder to gauge her mum’s reaction when she said, ‘It’s time they met properly.’

  Karen squirmed as if caught in a trap. ‘She said he was a bad man and before you say anything, I know it’s unfair and I’m not about to take seriously the snap decision of a six-year-old, but it was her first impression and that’s going to be a hard one to conquer.’

  Water splashed as Rachel took out her frustration on the dishes. ‘So what do you suggest? I carry on going out with him behind Hope’s back? Like you said, mum, she’s already noticed things are changing.’

  ‘She’s certainly seen a change in you,’ her mum started and then, under her breath, added, ‘so have I.’

  ‘You mean because I’m happier? Because I’m taking more care of my appearance? Because for the first time since splitting up with Dan I’m thinking about me, as a person in my own right, not a machine who works to provide for my family, knowing all the time how much of a disappointment I must be to you?’ Rachel said, her final words choking her.

  Karen, who was a couple of inches shorter than Rachel and at least a stone heavier, stood up to slip an arm around her daughter’s waist. ‘You’re not a disappointment to me, Rachel, don’t ever think that. It’s just that I don’t want to see you hurt again and Dan didn’t only break your heart, he broke Hope’s too.’

  Rachel gave up pretending to wash dishes and turned to face her mum. ‘So what do you suggest we do, mum? Make a pledge to live in a man-free, love-free environment?’

  ‘I wouldn’t say it was love-free,’ Karen said, but her shoulders sagged as she was forced to agree. ‘I’m the first to admit that the thought of things changing terrifies me. For all my complaining about tripping over toys and never being able to watch my soaps in peace, I love having you here. I can’t imagine …’ Her voice trailed off.

  Rachel felt sick. It wasn’t her heart or Hope’s that was about to be broken. ‘I’m sorry, mum,’ she managed to say.

  Still thinking her daughter was the one who needed comforting, Karen started rubbing her back. ‘Do you think there’s a real chance of a future for you and Martin then?’

  Rachel nodded. ‘A very good chance.’

  ‘Then do what you think is right and ignore me. I’m biased. I can’t be sure if I want to protect you both or imprison you. If you think it’s time then let’s meet him.’

  Karen hugged her daughter, having assumed the matter was closed, but Rachel tensed and her mum looked up for an explanation.

  ‘There’s more to it than that,’ Rachel said carefully.

  Before she continued, Rachel dried her hands and sat down at the kitchen table with her mum. Taking hold of her hand, she slowly but surely told her all about the plans she and Martin had mapped out together. Karen’s grip tightened and her eyes were wide but thankfully dry. It took a moment for the news to sink in but her first response was a direct challenge. ‘But how can you even think of moving away when you don’t even know if Hope will get on with him yet?’

  ‘If it happens then it won’t be until next year by which time, with enough love and support, Hope will come to accept the changes. And Liverpool isn’t a million miles away. Martin has promised to teach me to drive so I can come back here as often as you like. I owe you a lot, mum. I know it’s going to feel like I’m deserting you but I’m not.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘I need to make this work, mum,’ Rachel interrupted. ‘Please, I know better than most that it’s only a dream at this stage and so much can go wrong, but I have to give it a try. Don’t I?’

  Karen was shaking her head. ‘It’s too much, too soon. I want you to have your dreams but I can’t see how it’s going to make Hope happy. She may have only been four when you split up with Dan but she remembers and her reaction to Martin today was understandable. Hope’s going to see any man as a threat; someone who could hurt you both. When she finds out he’s taking the two of you away to Liverpool, she’s going to be terrified.’

  ‘I’m not about to tell her everything in one go, mum. It’ll be a gradual process.’

  Karen nodded then momentarily brightened up. ‘What if she stayed here to begin with? That way it would be a gradual process. You could move to Liverpool with Martin, concentrate on doing the accountancy course and getting to know the job while I looked after Hope. I wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘But I’d mind!’ Rachel said, and actually laughed. ‘No, mum. Hope stays with me. Do I need to remind you what you said a minute ago about being biased?’

  Karen smiled even as the first tear slipped down her cheek. ‘I know, I’m sorry. It’s just so hard to imagine my little girl … My two little girls flying the nest.’

  ‘I haven’t gone anywhere yet,’ Rachel said. ‘There’s a lot to do in the meantime and top of the list is introducing Martin to the family. There’s the summer fete at the home in a couple of weeks. How about I arrange something for then?’

  ‘I look forward to it,’ Karen said

  Rachel accepted the lie and offered one of her own. ‘Me too,’ she said.

  The garden was in full bloom and the warm air laced with sweet perfume, although it wasn’t the scent of the roses that attracted Mrs Wilson to the walled garden at the side of the large Victorian House, but the seclusion. She had spent five weeks in Sunny Days and despite valiant attempts by staff and residents alike, they had all stopped trying to befriend the surly headmistress with a tongue so sharp it could snap an olive branch in two. There was however one notable exception.

  ‘If you’re going to spend so much time out here then at least put on some sunscreen.’

  Mrs Wilson closed her latest book and tucked it down the side of her wheelchair with a sigh of resignation. She knew Rachel well enough by now to know there was little point trying to ignore her.

  ‘That’s what my hat’s for,’ Mrs Wilson retorted, but she was already holding up her arms for Rachel to smot
her with lotion.

  ‘You can’t be too careful,’ Rachel told her. ‘And before you say anything, no it’s never too late.’

  Mrs Wilson sat grim faced as Rachel rubbed in the sunscreen, her skin surprising supple for a woman with such a hard shell. When she had finished, Rachel sat down on the small wooden bench and massaged the remnants of the oily cream onto her own arms and neck. Mrs Wilson watched her.

  ‘Shouldn’t you be on your way home by now?’

  Rachel played with the folds of her floral summer dress. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not staying much longer. It’s teacher-training so Hope hasn’t been in school today. I’m waiting for my mum to drop her off,’ she said, trying not to sound or feel disappointed at not being able to meet up with Martin.

  ‘Your hair looks different.’

  Rachel took the remark as a compliment. ‘Thank you. I was out with Martin last night and had it cut especially. It’s a bit misshapen after being in a ponytail all day but the curls haven’t completely fallen out.’

  ‘Most people in here seem to age decades in a matter of weeks and yet you … You’re looking younger by day.’

  ‘That will be the “Martin effect”,’ Rachel said, relaxing back against the bench and lifting her head to the sun just as a cloud passed overhead. The warm air was swept away by a chill breeze, making her shudder. ‘Although I’m not sure how long it will last.’

  ‘Problems?’

  Rachel sighed. ‘Not as yet but I can see them on the horizon. I’ve told mum,’ she said with no need to explain further. Mrs Wilson may have remained stubbornly reticent about her own life but she had become more than familiar with Rachel’s. ‘And not only that but I’ve arranged for them all to meet at the summer fete.’ She waited for the look of surprise on Mrs Wilson’s face and when she had it, she added, ‘So as you can imagine, everyone is brimming with excitement.’

  ‘You’ve told Hope?’

  ‘God, no, I’ll do that nearer the time, although she did see him the other day. It was only in passing but it was enough to terrify the life out of Martin.’

  ‘Six-year-olds can be intimidating,’ Mrs Wilson said wryly.

  ‘Well she certainly intimidated Martin,’ Rachel said, thinking how she had spent most of the night before trying to persuade him to go to the fete. When that had failed, she had resorted to pointing out that Hope broke up for the summer holidays in a few weeks time and if he wanted to continue seeing her during the week, then it could only be with Hope in tow – so he had better get to know her first. ‘At one point last night, he was convinced mum’s bright idea might work.’

  ‘And what bright idea was that?’

  ‘It’s not important,’ she replied solemnly, but then her mood lightened. ‘Not as important as this little minx.’

  Hope was skipping through the gate hand in hand with Carol.

  ‘Look who I found,’ Carol announced. ‘Your mum was in a hurry to get to work so I offered to take this pretty princess off her hands.’

  ‘I’m a fairy, not a princess, silly,’ Hope corrected. She twisted around to show the Sunny Day’s manager her wings. ‘Princesses wear crowns and marry princes.’

  Carol then made the mistake of asking, ‘And what do fairies do?’

  Hope waved her magic wand manically. ‘They turn witches into frogs.’

  Carol was laughing as she agreed to hop off.

  ‘Hello,’ Hope said as she turned a wary eye towards the lady in the wheelchair. ‘Who are you?’

  ‘I’m Bea,’ Mrs Wilson said, and then seeing the look of surprise on Rachel’s face, resolved to shock her further. ‘I’m your Mummy’s friend.’

  ‘And since I’m your friend, do I get to call you Bea too?’ Rachel asked.

  ‘I don’t ever remember saying you couldn’t.’

  ‘What’s wrong with your leg?’ Hope asked.

  ‘It’s broken.’

  The little girl started waving her magic wand around in dangerous arcs. ‘Abracadabra!’ she cried, bringing the wand down on Bea’s leg with a thud. ‘There, it’s all better now.’

  ‘Thank you, Hope.’

  ‘Would you like to come and play chase with me?’

  Bea laughed; it was a sound Rachel hadn’t heard before. ‘Maybe later, but if you like, I’ll watch you race around the garden. How many laps do you think you could manage?’

  ‘Eight because that’s green for go!’ Hope called as she ran off at a sprint.

  ‘Sorry, she has this weird thing going on at the moment about the number eight. It has to be green and believe it or not, it caused all kinds of drama at school the other day. I only hope she grows out of it soon.’

  Mrs Wilson gave her a curious look. ‘Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t.’

  ‘Oh, don’t say that, things are bad enough as it is,’ Rachel said, her thoughts returning to the troubles she imagined heading her way. ‘Is it too much to expect that meeting Hope will go as smoothly for Martin as it did just now with you?’

  ‘If he knows how important your family is to you, he’ll make sure it does.’

  ‘I hope so. I haven’t exactly given my daughter the best start in life but if this goes right, things could be so different. I know better than most what it’s like to grow up without a dad, and with a mum who’s too tired at the end of a long day at work to give her daughter the attention she needs. I’m well aware that I made a mess of it with Nick and then with Dan but I’m holding out for third time lucky.’

  The sun had come out again but it did little to warm Rachel’s heart. Her future happiness seemed all of a sudden to be hanging by a thread and she didn’t understand why. She needed reassurance from someone who might see things more clearly, someone who wasn’t biased or blinded by love. ‘Will you still be here for the fete? Your cast comes off soon, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Yes, but I’ve been told to stay here for at least a couple of weeks to build up my strength. I don’t want to go home only to have another fall, so yes; I’ll be here for the fete and it would be lovely to see you and your family there. As long as I can be out of this place by the end of August, that suits me.’

  The image of a country road carpeted in autumn leaves came to Rachel’s mind as did a date circled in red. ‘Home in time for September?’

  ‘Yes,’ Mrs Wilson replied but wouldn’t meet Rachel’s gaze.

  ‘For …?’

  ‘For the last time,’ Mrs Wilson said, sending a shiver down Rachel’s spine for the second time that day.

  3

  The day of the Summer Fete was going to be a busy one at Sunny Days but when Rachel offered her services, Carol told her in no uncertain terms that she was to spend the morning at home making her own preparations. Rachel was only slightly relieved and suspected stringing up bunting from tree to tree would be far easier than what she was about to do next.

  ‘You know how I’ve been spending time with a special friend?’ Rachel began as she watched her daughter parade up and down the living room in her new pink dress with its silk roses and frilly skirt, her head held aloft as she waved to her loyal subjects.

  Hope stopped what she was doing to give her mum an accusing look. ‘The one who makes you stay out all night?’ she asked, not quite as distracted by her new outfit as Rachel had hoped.

  ‘Mummy’s got a new boyfriend, Hope,’ Karen jumped in.

  Rachel glared at her mum who pursed her lips by way of an apology. ‘His name is Martin,’ Rachel continued, ‘and I’ve been seeing a lot of him over the last few months.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘When I’m not being Mummy to you, which is still my number one job,’ Rachel added as she lifted her arms towards her daughter.

  Hope took a few begrudging steps closer until she was near enough for Rachel to pull her close. Burying her head in her mum’s neck, she asked, ‘Will he make you cry?’

  Rachel looked over to her mum, expecting to see a smug look that said, ‘I told you so,’ but found only sadness in her eyes.

&n
bsp; ‘He makes me very happy, Hope,’ Rachel said. ‘And I think he’ll make you happy too otherwise I wouldn’t want you to meet him.’

  Hope pulled away aghast. ‘You want me to meet him?’

  ‘Yes, today,’ Rachel said. She could feel herself tensing as she added, ‘In fact, you already have. He was in his car when we were walking home from school the other week, remember?’

  By the look on Hope’s face, she did and it wasn’t a good memory. ‘Is he going to be my Daddy?’

  Of all the possible questions Hope might ask this was the one Rachel feared the most. She had promised her daughter once that Dan would be her new daddy, and that promise had broken her heart, so now, even though Martin talked as if their future was assured, she refused to believe it until it happened. Recalling Mrs Wilson’s sage advice about keeping promises, she said, ‘At the moment, Martin is just my boyfriend and before we get carried away, I want to make sure you like him too.’

  ‘Well, I don’t like him,’ Hope said, her lip trembling now.

  Rachel tried not to let her frustration show. ‘You don’t know him yet, sweetheart and when you do, I think you will like him.’

  ‘But if I still don’t then you’ll send him away again, won’t you?’

  Rather than lie, Rachel chose to side-step the truth. ‘All I ask is that you give him a chance. Does that sound fair?’

  Hope managed a nod.

  ‘Thank you, my beautiful, beautiful princess,’ Rachel said and pulled her daughter close again so she could nuzzle her neck.

  The little girl giggled despite herself and then wriggled free. ‘Mummy,’ she complained, ‘you’ve messed up my hair now. I’ll have to go and fix it.’

  As Hope dashed out of the room, Rachel glanced at her mum.

  ‘Sounds like she wants to make a good impression at least,’ Karen offered.

  Rachel refused to feel any relief. ‘I feel sick,’ she said, ‘and Martin’s just as nervous. It will be all right, won’t it mum?’

  ‘You would know the answer to that one better than me, love.’

  And that was the thing, Rachel didn’t know and for a moment wished she could cancel the whole thing. But if she was going to keep her dreams alive, she had to bring the two separate halves of her life together. Only time would tell if they were going to fit.