If I Should Go (Novella)
Page 9
‘Then why give up now?’
The light in Bea’s eyes dimmed. ‘It isn’t just my quirky mind but my body that’s telling me I’ve wrung as much out of this life as I can. Who am I to argue?’ She let go of Rachel’s hand.
‘Well, if you can’t then I will!’ Rachel said. ‘I won’t let you do this, Bea. I’m sorry, but mum and Hope won’t be back until late tomorrow so I’m staying here. I don’t care if I’m not invited, you’re not getting rid of me and I’m going to be watching you like a hawk. And while I’m here, I can tell you all about my dysfunctional life so you can help me sort it all out.’
‘You don’t need my help, Rachel,’ Bea said, her calmness a bitter balm to her friend’s growing agitation.
‘Please, Bea, let me at least try. Tomorrow doesn’t have to be an important day; it’s just a date that happens to have an ugly colour. And if it changed once it can change again. Please, won’t you at least give me a chance?’
Bea tried to smile. ‘You make a compelling argument, Rachel but you won’t convince this body of mine that it isn’t worn out. Like I said, I’m done,’ she said, but with less conviction this time. ‘But before you launch into another tirade, I would love you to be my guest this weekend. Perhaps you’re right. Maybe the date is meaningless and the colour nothing more than a sensory misfire. But if it’s not then I’m warning you now: this weekend is going to be more testing than even you imagined. Are you sure you’re ready for that?’
‘I’m stronger than you think.’
‘No, Rachel, you’re stronger than you think.’
In all her adult life, Bea Wilson had never missed an opportunity to help a child reach their full potential. When she had met Rachel, she had seen a slip of a girl who had little faith in her own abilities, a woman who saw herself as a bit-player in other people’s life stories. But as Mrs Wilson climbed the stairs to bed on that Saturday night, having spent the day talking to Rachel, she felt confident that, at long last, her friend had plans for a life where she would be taking the lead.
‘Are you sure I’m all right sleeping in here?’ Rachel asked, standing outside what had once been the bedroom of a seven-year-old boy who never had the chance to fulfil his ambitions or those of his parents.
‘Tim is in my mind and my heart, not in a room with four walls and a door.’
‘I’ll see you in the morning, then,’ Rachel said without making a move to leave.
Bea cupped Rachel’s face in her hands and smiled. ‘Thank you, Rachel,’ she said. ‘Thank you for being here. Thank you for caring.’
‘And I do care,’ Rachel replied, placing her hands over Mrs Wilson’s and holding onto them. ‘I care a lot and I don’t want you letting me down.’
Mrs Wilson realised they could be spending all night on the landing if she couldn’t put her interfering friend’s mind at rest. She pulled away and said, ‘I’ll see you in the morning, Rachel, and we can go through some of the courses you’re thinking of taking.’
As she slipped into bed, Mrs Wilson still had a smile on her face. She could hear Rachel making her own bedtime preparations and for the briefest moment, she allowed herself to imagine it wasn’t Rachel but her son rummaging around in his room, treading carefully on floorboards that insisted on creaking when he was supposed to be tucked up in bed. But the memories of her son weren’t as sharp as she would have liked; time had shown no mercy and eroded the finer detail. She closed her eyes and willed her mind to resurrect a single memory from the two thousand, six hundred and fifty one days she had been blessed to have him in her life. It didn’t have to be anything special, just an ordinary day; that was all she needed.
The cold trail of a tear slipped down Bea’s face as she failed to submerge herself into the past, her mind insisting on floating up to the present. The house had fallen silent and all she could hear was the ticking of the pendulum clock on the landing and her own breath, steady and deep, interspersed with the occasional sigh. She had spent long hours listening to that clock, each tick lengthening the distance that separated her from her son. It had once brought such pain but now it brought comfort. Time was no longer pulling her away but towards him.
The clock chimed softly, marking the passage of another hour. It was midnight and as Bea began to drift off to sleep, her mind at last gave her the gift she had been longing for. She was walking home with Tim after picking him up from school. It was a route they had taken hundreds of times and this day was no different except for once the sun was shining. Tim had pulled off his school jumper and, copying some of the older boys, tied it around his waist. His hair was cut short at the neck but long on top and Bea couldn’t resist combing her fingers through his soft golden curls.
‘Don’t, mum,’ Tim complained, pulling his head away and looking around to see if anyone had caught the inappropriate display of affection.
‘Love you, Timmy,’ Bea said if only to cause him greater embarrassment.
‘Mummmm,’ he said again and broke into a run until he was nothing but a blur.
Bea chuckled softly in her sleep then let her breath slow until it matched the rhythm of the clock, ticking off the first minutes of a new day. When those minutes added up to an hour, the clock chimed again. There was a soft inhalation, then a breath let go. The ticking resumed. There was no other sound.
Keep Reading
Look out for Amanda’s next novel, WHERE I FOUND YOU, published June 2014
One woman who can’t see her future
Maggie Carter knows Victoria Park like the back of her hand. She can tell you what time of year the most fragrant flowers bloom; she knows which paths lead you to the bench by the lake. The park is her safe place– because outside it, expecting her first baby, Maggie has started to wonder whether she’s going to be able to cope.
One woman who can’t escape her past
Elsa, too, is expecting her first child, and alone and without anyone to support her, she is terrified that her child will be taken away. But all is not as it seems: the secrets of sixty years ago are haunting Elsa and they won’t let her rest …
Bound together by the present
Struggling under the expectations and intentions of others, Maggie and Elsa’s chance meeting on the park bench offers them each a lifeline and a friend. As they reveal their hopes and heartaches, can they see themselves – and each other – clearly enough to help, before it’s too late?
Click here to buy now
Amanda’s first novel, YESTERDAY’S SUN, was a Richard and Judy Book Club selection, and was inspired by the tragic death of her own son, at just three years old.
How could you ever choose between your own life and the life of your child?
Newly-weds Holly and Tom have just moved into an old manor house in the picturesque English countryside. When Holly discovers a moondial in the overgrown garden and its strange crystal mechanism, little does she suspect that it will change her life forever. For the moondial has a curse.
Each full moon, Holly can see into the future – a future which holds Tom cradling their baby daughter, Libby, and mourning Holly’s death in childbirth …
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If you liked this, you’ll love Amanda’s fantastic novel, ANOTHER WAY TO FALL
If you could write your own happy ending, what would it say?
This is the story of Emma’s life
For three long years, she has battled with illness, enduring everything with bravery and always with hope. Then one day Emma is told that they’ve reached the end of the road. While her family and friends are thrown into denial, anger and grief, Emma suddenly realises that with so much left undone, she must find a way to live the life she has always dreamed of.
This is a story about happy endings
So Emma begins to write the story of the life she has always wanted to live and something miraculous starts to happen. As her body starts to weaken, the lines between fiction and reality start to blur and her story takes on a life of its own. And as her story gains
in strength, Emma and those who cherish her discover that even in death, there is life.
Click here to buy now
And try Amanda’s other short story:
On the surface, Elle has the perfect life – husband, child and a beautiful home. But sometimes a perfect facade hides the cracks beneath: Elle’s husband Rick seems determined to clip her wings at every turn, keeping her at home and away from her friends and from the world. When Elle’s father dies and she starts to clear his house, the cracks start to widen – and it’s only a matter of time before everything breaks open.
On a quest for buried treasure at the house, her young son, Charlie, finds a box underneath the apple tree, with love letters from the past that could tear her world apart.
As past and present collide, Elle must decide what is right – and what course her life should take.
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About the Author
Amanda Brooke is a single mum in her forties who lives in Liverpool with her teenage daughter Jessica. It was only when her young son was diagnosed with cancer that Amanda began to develop her writing, recording her family’s journey in a journal and through poetry. When Nathan died in 2006 at just three years old, Amanda was determined that his legacy would be one of inspiration not devastation. Her first novel, Yesterday’s Sun, was inspired by her experiences of motherhood and her understanding of how much a mother would be willing to sacrifice for the life of her child.
Also by Amanda Brooke
Yesterday’s Sun
Another Way to Fall
Where I Found You
Short stories
The Keeper of Secrets
If I Should Go
Copyright
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
77–85 Fulham Palace Road
Hammersmith, London W6 8JB
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins 2014
Copyright © Amanda Valentine 2014
Jacket layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2014
Cover photograph © Uygar Ozel/Vetta/Getty Images
Amanda Valentine asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © May 2014 ISBN: 9780007522286
Version: 2014-04-09
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