“Want something to drink or maybe popcorn?” she asks.
The way she tucks her hair behind her ear, her eyes looking at the floor, and her perfect lip in her teeth shows me everything. She needs to get away and gain some distance.
“Popcorn would be great.”
I need some distance myself.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” I say out loud while grabbing the popcorn in the kitchen. I just got all stupid over nothing. There’s this thing happening to me. I don’t understand it. The pull between us grows stronger and as much as I want to fight it, I feel helpless. I want to be around him. I want him to come over and be here, but then I don’t, and honestly the only reason is that I’m scared.
Scared of having feelings for another man, and a man exactly like my husband. One who will lay down his life for another. It’s the same fate I’m living now, and I don’t know that I could endure this again. I definitely don’t want my daughter to ever know the hurt of losing yet another man in her life. Only this time, it would be so much worse. She would actually know Liam. So I have to stop this—whatever it is.
I head back out into the living room with the bowl and sit next to Liam. His stance is ridiculously rigid as my obvious diversion must not have gone unnoticed. “Want some?” I ask, handing him the bowl.
He laughs and digs his hand in, tossing a few kernels at me. “Smooth, Lee.” Liam chuckles and I laugh despite my embarrassment. “Come here, let’s finish our movie.”
Taking a grounding breath, I lean back into him.
The movie drags on forever. I will never understand how I got stuck watching this. This was one of Aaron’s favorite movies too. He and Mark would recite lines to each other any time they could. I miss the little things. A tear pricks and confliction overtakes me once again.
I settle in and try to let my mind stop turning. It’s crazy how easy and domestic this moment is. Lying in Liam’s arms, watching television after working all day. How we had dinner, put Aarabelle to bed, and now we’re just spending time together. It’s only felt weird because I’ve made it weird. It’s felt . . . right. I could do this every day and be content.
I shouldn’t want this.
But I do.
I shouldn’t be comfortable in his arms.
But I am.
I should make him leave and put some distance between us.
But I can’t.
I hear the line Aaron used to recite from the movie, “Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some pimpin’ in it.”
I burst out laughing and so does Liam. I look at him as I remember. I remember how he used to sound, how his face was after he’d say it. The way his eyes crinkled and he’d smile when I’d roll my eyes. I remember it all and I start crying. Not tears from laughing, but full out tears. It hurts to remember. The pain crashes over me like waves on the shore. They roll in one after the other and each one breaks my heart a little more. I want the pain to stop.
Liam’s eyes go wide when he realizes I’m not laughing. He immediately takes me into his arms and holds me close. “Lee? What’s wrong?” The panic is clear in his voice.
“Oh my God!” I cry louder and it doesn’t stop. “I can’t,” I say in between breaths. Holy shit, I’m falling apart. “I can’t breathe.”
Guilt assaults me for thinking of a life with Liam while I’m still so fresh to this new life, making it hard to breathe.
Liam holds my face in his hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs. “Why are you crying? What happened?” he asks confused.
I keep crying as he stares at me like I’m a wounded animal. Which is exactly what I must look like.
He shuts the movie off and the tears continue to fall. “I can’t,” I say and he grips my face again.
“Tell me what to do. I don’t know why you’re crying,” Liam’s voice trembles and he’s looking around frantically for . . . something, anything that would help. “Natalie, calm down.”
“I don’t know. I just . . . it hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore!” I exclaim as my breathing becomes more labored. I’m having a fucking panic attack. “Make it stop hurting,” I beg.
Liam’s eyes drop and he pulls my face to his slowly. He looks at me as his mouth gets closer and I snap out of whatever the hell that was. “Liam!” I say and pull back. “What are you doing?”
He leans back and grips his neck. “You were crying and I just . . .” he says quickly. “I don’t know. I mean, tears and girls . . .” Liam rambles and gets up. He stands there and wipes his hand down his face. “Guys don’t know what to do with tears!” he says, frustrated.
I smother my enjoyment at the situation. I really do, but he looks ridiculous and endearing.
“Lee, I’m sorry. You were begging me to make it stop.” He starts to pace and speaks fast. “I mean, Jesus.”
“Yeah, but why did you think you should kiss me?” I ask, trying to not smile again. But right now, he’s adorable. He’s flustered and out of his element. I stand and put my hand on his arm to stop him from pacing.
“I don’t know. I mean, what the hell? You were crying. Like full blown tears! I’m a guy. We don’t do tears.” He throws his hands up and starts to mumble to himself about women. “Fucking tears. I mean, I just thought . . . if I kissed you then you’d stop fucking crying.”
I burst out laughing again and grip his face. “You’re so dumb,” I laugh and he relaxes. “Next time a girl is crying, just hold her.”
“Don’t cry anymore. Ever. I’m not equipped to deal with that shit.”
“I can’t promise that,” I look into his eyes.
Liam’s arms wrap around my back and the urge to kiss him rises. “I hated seeing it,” he murmurs.
“What?”
“Watching you cry. I’ve never felt so helpless.” Liam shakes his head and then looks down. “I’m sorry I tried to kiss you.”
I pull his face back to me.
“Liam, I . . . it . . .” I want to see. I want to kiss him and ease his embarrassment, but more than that I want to kiss him. I may hate myself later, but I’m not sure about anything right now. Liam makes me feel safe. Aaron is gone. I look into his eyes, and battling the need to feel this man, to feel desired, to be kissed by him becomes insurmountable.
Slowly, I lean in. His eyes watch mine as I pull his head closer and he lets me. He allows me to lead this and I see the desire build behind his eyes. I watch the storm pass across his face as he processes, and I measure what I’m doing.
“Natalie . . .” he says low and reverent.
The way my name rolls from his lips makes me want him more. We breathe in each other’s breaths. Taking and giving this moment, my stomach tightens as I press my lips to his. I don’t think. I try not to focus on the differences. The way his lips are firm but yielding. The way he doesn’t move and every part of him is stiff. I don’t allow myself to compare the differences in height. How I have to lift up on my toes to reach him. My fingers glide to the back of his head and thread in his hair. I want him to kiss me, but right now he stands like a statue. Tilting my head, I try to get him to respond, but the only thing I feel are his hands tightening against my back as he grips my shirt. I break away and we both open our eyes.
Whatever he’s looking for in my eyes, he finds, and Liam’s resolve cracks. His hand moves to my upper back as his mouth is on mine. This kiss is his. This kiss isn’t asking—it’s taking. His lips press against mine, firm and strong. I sigh unconsciously and he takes that as permission. I feel his tongue brush against mine and the muscles in my stomach clench. Liam holds me against him and holds me together. I lose myself in his touch. Even in this moment, he gives to me. He pulls me closer and my fingers tangle in his hair and grip. I don’t want to stop.
I want him.
I want this.
I need this.
I hate this.
Conflict stirs suddenly as realization dawns on me.
I’m kissing Liam Dempsey and I like it.
My fingers loosen a
nd then his grip does. Liam releases me and we both try to catch our breath. I look at him and his eyes drift to the mantel. He stares at the flag and my insides hurt.
“Natalie,” he grumbles in a low tone. He’s upset. “I . . . fuck . . . I just . . .”
“Please, don’t,” I request hoping he won’t say this was a mistake or that he’s sorry. I hate the word “sorry” and I sure as hell don’t want to hear it from his mouth. I’m tired of people apologizing. You’re not sorry. You don’t know what to say and I’m over hearing it.
“No, listen,” his hand grips my arm as I try to turn. “Fucking listen. I don’t know what this is. I mean, you’re . . . well . . . you!” he exclaims and drops his hand. “We’ve been friends for a long time and you’ve always been his wife. I don’t know if I’m making any sense.”
This whole situation is confusing. There’s a part of me—a big part—that’s weighted and suffocating in guilt. I feel in some small way as if I cheated on my husband. I know I didn’t. I know that he’s gone, and hell, he wanted me to move on, but it’s there. Deep in my gut, I’m tormented that this was wrong. Then there’s the other side of me—the woman side—that wanted and needed to be touched. I enjoyed the way his lips felt against mine. The way Liam took me in his arms and the way my body molded to his. It was everything I needed and nothing I wanted to need. But I initiated it. I went to him and I would do it again.
“I’m not sure what to say,” I reply honestly. “I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to not want to kiss you,” I give a half laugh.
Liam steps forward and pulls me against him. “I wanted to not want to want you, but I do. I don’t know how or when, but I have these feelings for you. I don’t know if we should do this. I don’t know that either of us is ready for this,” Liam says quietly as we hold each other.
“I don’t either. Maybe we should take all of this one day at a time. I don’t know that I’m ready.” I look at him as he gazes into my eyes. “I know I don’t want you to stop coming around, but I don’t know what I’m capable of. I mean, it’s not even been a year and I just . . .” Tears pool in my eyes as I try to process what happened. I kissed my friend. I kissed Aaron’s friend, and I’m not sure if it’s wrong.
“You’re not getting rid of me. And I don’t want to push you. But I want to kiss you again. Unless you want me to stop?” He waits and my breathing increases.
The anticipation builds inside. It roils and grows, taking up every inch of my soul. I want this. I measure the parts of myself, trying to see whether it’s guilt scraping its way through me or whether it’s desire. The desire pools and smothers any guilt. My heart wants this and so does my body. I inhale and close my eyes, taking in each note of spice and sandalwood. The feel of strong arms wrapped around me. I shiver even though there’s not one part of me that’s cold.
“Do you want me to stop, Lee?” Liam’s voice is husky and laced with want.
Liam’s hands make their way up my spine and then back down around my hips. He lifts me off the ground and his breath warms my face. I can feel him grow closer and closer. “Now’s the time, sweetheart,” he says, practically touching my lips.
“No,” I breathe the word.
“No, you don’t want me to stop, or no, you do?” he asks, his nose brushing against mine. His lips are a millimeter from mine and one nudge and we’d be touching.
“No, I just . . .”
He pulls back the slightest bit. “Just what? What do you want?”
What do I want? I want it all. I want to not hurt anymore, and when I’m around Liam, it’s not so hard. He makes me smile and laugh when I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow. But the best part of him is that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. It just happens when he’s around.
“Kiss me.”
He presses his lips to mine softly. There’s no rush, no urgency, he kisses me like I’m delicate and breakable. Liam cherishes me as he holds me in his arms and gives a piece of himself to me. I’m open and vulnerable and this kiss shows me he knows that. He’s not pushing me. He’s giving me strength and understanding.
All too soon he pulls back and presses his forehead against mine. We stand embraced and his hand rubs my back. “I’m going to get going. You have to work tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I say and keep my eyes closed while he holds me. “Maybe you can come over again this week?” I ask awkwardly. I mean, I don’t know how all this works. Do I invite him over or does he keep showing up like he has the last month and a half?
He pulls me close again and chuckles. “How about we go out on Friday night?”
I look at him and my heart rate picks up. I’m not sure I’m ready to go out.
“Lee, we don’t have to go on a date. I just meant maybe we can go out with friends as friends.”
Liam’s hands drop and I let out a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can leave Aarabelle.”
“Think about it. We can all go and celebrate you going back to work. Mark and Jackson are here, you said. I’m sure everyone would love to go out.”
I nod and wring my hands. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, I’ll call you soon,” Liam says as he grabs his stuff.
“Okay,” I mutter. This all of a sudden has become weird.
He walks to the door and pauses with his hand on the door. Slowly, Liam turns and his eyes glimmer with sincerity. “No matter what, I want you to know that your friendship means everything. I’ll always be here for you and we never have to mention tonight again if you don’t want to. We can pretend nothing ever happened. I want you to be happy, and if you needed to kiss me because you needed something, I won’t be upset.”
“Liam, I . . .”
His hand lifts to stop me and he gives a reassuring smile, “I’ll let you use me if you need that. I don’t know when things changed for either of us, but whatever you need—tell me. If you want to forget tonight, if you want to be friends, or if you want to see whatever this is—I’m here. I’ll let you lead for now.”
Before I can respond, Liam turns the doorknob and walks out. I walk to the door and place my hand on it and close my eyes.
Now I need to figure out how to lead a dance I don’t know the steps to.
I head up the stairs and look at the pictures that line the walls. My wedding photo, our first date, and my maternity shoot all stare at me as I take each step. My lips tingle from our kiss and my mind reels. I kissed another man, and not just any man, but someone who was there for most of these memories.
How could I do this? Can I do this? I pause at the top of the step where Aaron’s photo hangs in a dark frame. It has his shadow box with all his medals and ribbons under it. My hand touches the cool glass and a tear falls. Here I stand staring at the man I loved while my mouth still tastes of Liam.
I grab the photo of Aaron off the wall and lie in my bed with my husband in my arms and fall asleep wishing this guilt would stop.
“Sparkles, can you bring in the new contract that was faxed over a few minutes ago and head into Jackson’s office?” Mark pauses at my office door and then rushes away.
I grab the papers and head over to his office. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been working here and so far it’s been great. They realized quickly I was definitely overqualified and I’m now handling all the scheduling and mission preparation.
“Hey,” I say as I walk in. Jackson and Mark are laughing at God knows what.
“Hey, come in,” Jackson instructs and he slaps Mark. “I need to see how many guys we have open to send if we get the Africa mission.”
I nod and hand over the papers I brought with me. The way Jackson was able to start this company and handle complex missions is seriously impressive. They’ve been getting more requests and aren’t able to fulfill them all due to staffing. Apparently Aaron handled recruiting and they’ve not filled his position.
“I think you guys need to do a recruiting session or something. There have been a lot of inquiries and you’re turning clients away,�
� I suggest and they both glance at me with a pensive look.
“Lee,” Jackson says with caution. “I know you just started, and let’s face it, you’re doing way more than what we hired you for. I need someone who’s smart, who can read these guys, and get some new blood in here. I’ll turn away business before I’ll send anyone unprepared or understaffed.”
“Are you offering me another promotion?” This is by far the fastest anyone has ever moved up in a company.
Jackson nods and Mark laughs. “I’m sure you’re bored out of your fucking mind answering a phone that rings once every hour. Besides, dickface leaves in a few days and I need someone with a brain.”
I look out into the office where there are others who’ve been here for a long time. They bust their asses and have been dedicated to the company far longer than me. “What about the others?”
Mark glances over, and for the first time, looks serious. “There’s a lot you don’t know regarding what they do. They aren’t administrative.”
“Okay,” I say confused, but I let it drop. “What all does this entail? I mean, I have Aarabelle and I didn’t even want to come back to work.”
Jackson stands and heads over to the wall of pictures. “I would never let this take away from Aara. Mark and I will make sure of that. You just have to be honest with us and let us know.” He rubs his hand down his face. “If you take it, there are going to be some background and clearance things I’ll need you to do.”
Mark kicks his feet up on Jackson’s desk and gives a taunting look. “Don’t make Muffin suffer too long. He’s already starting to go grey.”
“Fuck off.”
“Do I get to referee you two?” I ask and slap Mark’s leg.
Mark laughs and drops his legs. “I always win.”
Jackson scoffs and walks behind us, slapping Mark in the back of the head. I swear these two are like children. It’s some kind of genetic tic they all have.
“Okay, if you think I’m the right person, Jackson, I’ll do whatever you need.”
Both of their demeanors shift slightly. I can feel the tension from both of them. “Lee,” Jackson says drawing my attention to him, “You’ll have access to a lot of information and files. Things that are locked on your computer now because of your clearance. When we do this, you’ll no longer be locked out.”
Consolation (Consolation Duet #1) Page 8