“Might?” I retort.
I try to fight laughing or smiling. I try but fail.
“See, I can always make you smile.”
“And at the same time make me want to punch you.”
Liam chuckles and pulls into the parking lot at the Lynnhaven Fish House. Which is one of my absolute favorite restaurants in Virginia Beach. “It’s a gift—at least that’s what my mother says.”
“She’s biased.”
“Natalie?” Liam asks slightly apprehensively. I look over and he sits with his hand on the door. “I’m glad you agreed to come out tonight.”
Not that I had much of a choice, but of course I did. I could’ve told him no and gone home to Aarabelle. There were a hundred other things I could have chosen, but instead, I put on a dress and went blindly with him. “Me too.”
“Stay here,” Liam requests and exits the car quickly.
My lips widen in approval as he opens my car door a few seconds later. He extends his hand and I place my palm to his. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a date be so chivalrous. No. I will not compare. I need to be here in the moment.
“Thank you,” I say and kiss his cheek. “By the way, how did you know I love the Fish House?”
“Lucky guess,” he says but I sense there’s something more to that.
We enter the restaurant and are seated at the window overlooking the bay. It doesn’t matter that my house backs up to this view, I’ll never tire of it. The way each wave brings new water to the sand, washing away the footprints we leave and giving everything a new chance. It’s . . . hopeful.
Once we order and get our wine, Liam grabs my hand that’s resting on the table. “You okay?”
“I’m great. Why?” I ask, perplexed.
“You’ve just been quiet.” He looks out to the ocean and then back to me.
I smile tentatively and flip my hand over so we’re palm to palm. “Is this weird for you? I mean, it’s us.”
Liam sighs and his finger whispers over the skin on my wrist. “Weird? No. Unexpected? Yes.”
That’s a good word to describe what all of this is. Neither of us thought we’d be sitting here on a date, yet that’s exactly what we’re doing. “It’s a good unexpected though, right?”
“Natalie, I wouldn’t want to be sitting here with anyone else,” he answers and the truth shines through his eyes.
I want to reply me either. I want to say the words, but they die on my tongue. Aaron’s face flashes in my mind and my stomach drops. The guilt begins to grow heavy and sits on my chest. It weighs on my heart and begins to crush it. I’m on a date with another man at the restaurant my husband took me to on our anniversary every year.
“Lee?” Liam asks as tears pool in my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“This . . . this place,” I say and try to get myself under control.
“Did I fuck up?” he asks and comes around the table, crouching in front of me.
“No,” I say and dab my eyes. “It’s just . . . Aaron.” I look away because I hate even saying this. “He . . .”
“He took you here?” Liam asks, not sounding upset, but concerned.
“Yeah,” I look back at him as a tear falls. “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize. You don’t have to pretend with me.” Liam grabs my hand and turns my chair so I have to look at him. “Listen to me. He was your husband, the father of your child, and my best friend. You don’t have to pretend he isn’t here between us. If you think he’s not in my mind every time I look at you, you’re wrong. I’m struggling with thinking of you the way I do. Imagining doing things with you that he’d beat my fucking ass for.”
Again, a part of my heart breaks, but this time for Liam. This thing between us isn’t easy for me, but I never thought about how it would be for him. I wonder if we’re doomed from the start. I don’t know if it’s even possible for the two of us to have a chance at this. There aren’t simply two scarred hearts trying to find a way. There’s also a ghost between us.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I reply honestly.
“Me either. That’s why I said we take this slow. You can talk to me though. If you’re missing him or if you want to talk about him. He’s not an off-limit topic. You never mention him with me. Why?” Liam grabs my hands as we sit in this beautiful restaurant and people look at us. He doesn’t waver from me. Instead, he kneels on the ground, holding my hand, while I have a mini breakdown.
I pull my hands from his and rest them upon his face. The short beard he keeps is trimmed and it tickles my hand. I brush my thumb back and forth and stifle the emotions that were stirring. I lean forward and kiss his lips gently. “Thank you.”
His brows set into a straight line and looks away. “I don’t know what for. I made you cry again . . . which I begged you never to do again. Although,” he stops and gives a quick laugh, “You tend to kiss me when you cry, so maybe I should rethink this. But you didn’t answer my question.”
“I don’t know. I feel like it’s wrong to talk about him with you. I loved him so much and now I have these feelings for you and . . .” I trail off unsure of what to say.
Liam’s eyes never falter. He stays trained on me, waiting for me to finish. “You need to tell me because I promise I can’t read your mind. I can try. I can read your body. I can tell right now you’re nervous. Your heart is racing, your eyes are shifting, and the way you’re stuttering tells me everything I need to know. But I don’t know what is going on in your mind or your heart.”
“I just wish he was here, and then when I’m with you, I don’t think about him so much. It makes me feel like I’m a horrible wife.”
“You’re not horrible. I don’t think what we’re doing is horrible. Neither of us thought we’d be here. I think with my good looks and charm you were doomed.” Liam winks and his mood shifts to playful.
I laugh and wipe my face with the napkin. “You’re a mess. Now please get off the floor and let’s have dinner.”
Liam returns to his seat and I place my hand out asking for his in return. He wants me to lead this and right now his touch soothes me. I’m not going to think about why that is, I’m just going to enjoy it. This is our time tonight and I want to be in the moment for the remainder of it.
“Okay, let’s just enjoy our date,” Liam says as the waitress walks over.
Liam orders practically everything off the menu. I swear he’s feeding someone under the table. No human can consume this much food. By the time dinner is served, I’m totally full but he’s still going.
I joke with him about his appetite and laugh as he tells me the stories from their training mission. Some of the guys Aaron was close with are still in the teams. I know their wives and families and it takes me back a little. I’ve missed these stories.
“How’s work going?” Liam asks.
“Good. I got promoted again. I swear it’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from entry-level to management in history,” I say and take a bite of my lobster.
“Muffin’s a smart guy. I’m sure you were never hired with the expectation of staying entry-level,” Liam says as he sits back. “What do they have you doing now?”
I put my fork down and take a deep breath. I know Liam said Aaron isn’t off limits, but I still feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, Liam deserves to know in some way too. “I’m doing all their mission prep. I’ll handle all the logistics and make sure everything is properly staffed and they have all their supplies. Which apparently was the issue that sent Aaron to Afghanistan to begin with. But today I learned some other stuff . . .” I trail off.
“Like?” Liam’s hand covers mine. It’s as if he knows I need the extra support.
“They’re investigating Aaron’s death. I mean . . . I don’t know what they’re going to find. It was pretty clear-cut to me. It was an IED . . . what is there to investigate?” I ask and Liam’s eyes move a tiny bit to the left. I wouldn’t normally care, but I know that’s his tell. “Liam?”
“Look, I thought all along something wasn’t right. I mean, not the IED . . . that stuff is common, but then when Jackson got shot over there, it was a red flag for me. That region wasn’t on our radar, but then two Cole Security guys were injured or killed? I don’t know. It’s the skeptical part of me that questions it,” Liam says and links our fingers.
“Should I be worried?”
Liam squeezes my hand. “I wouldn’t be okay with you working there if I didn’t think it was safe. I’d make up some bullshit and sabotage it. There’s no way I’d let you be in danger, and neither would Jackson or Mark.”
I take a deep breath and release it. He’s right. No one would ever put me in harm’s way, but the questions nag at me.
“Okay, you ready?” Liam asks as he has me blindfolded for our next part of the date. I focus on everything around me. I can smell hay or maybe it’s just that clean, open air . . . I think. I can’t place it, but there’s no noise at all. It’s completely quiet. I breathe in again, and grass and flowers register.
“Where are we?”
I feel him behind me. He stands there not touching me, but I can feel the heat of his body. It sheaths me and the anticipation builds. I lean back so I feel him and he chuckles.
His hands graze my bare arms as the tips of his fingers glide across my skin. My head falls back on his shoulder and my breathing accelerates. “When I was stationed here the first time, I found this place. It’s where I came after we kissed. I come here when I need to remember how small I am in this world.” Liam breathes against my neck. “Sometimes our problems feel so big that we forget how to be grounded and humble.” His hands move to my shoulders. The touch is tender and sensual.
He unties the blindfold and my eyes adjust. It’s pitch black except for the stars and moon above us. It illuminates the beauty that I’m surrounded by. Trees line the field and tall grass encompasses the entire area. It’s untouched except for the small circular patch we stand in. Liam’s arms wrap around me from behind and I take it in. “Wow,” I breathe. “It’s so beautiful and yet so desolate.”
“You’re not alone,” he says, and I sag into him. My head rests against his chest as he holds me tight. “No matter what happens, you’ll have me. As a friend or whatever this becomes or doesn’t.”
“It scares me. I feel like it’s so soon. I miss him still, Liam.” I turn in his arms so I can see his profile. “I loved him my whole life and the idea of moving on terrifies me. I don’t know that I won’t get gun shy and pull away.”
His hands cradle my face. “I’ll never push you. I know he was your world. I saw the love you two shared and I would be full of shit if I said it doesn’t scare me. You’re supposed to be untouchable, and yet here you are in my arms. I don’t know if I’m lucky or a fucking idiot. I just know that when we’re together, it feels right. It feels like we’re supposed to be.”
Even in the dark, Liam’s eyes shine bright. He won’t hurt me. He won’t betray me. He’ll be patient and kind because that’s who he is. My hands tangle in his hair as we stand together. Our foreheads touch and he holds my face as I hold on to this moment. I’m at peace in this very second. No hurt consumes me, no fear, just Liam. I close my eyes and allow myself to feel and pray.
Please, Aaron, be okay with this. Please understand I’ll always love you, but Liam makes it a little bit better. He’ll be good to me. So please, forgive me.
I lift my head and press my lips against his. His hand cradles my cheek and he holds me as we kiss. I grab his neck and feel the weightlessness from letting a little part of myself go. He kisses me adoringly and cautiously, allowing me to lead but still commanding me. I lose myself a little more as I moan when his hand presses against the small of my back.
“Let go,” he says against my mouth. “Let me take it for you.”
Before I can say anything, his mouth is on mine again. Our tongues thrash against each other as the kiss becomes hungry. He pulls me close so there’s no space between us. The low sound resonates through his chest, sending shivers down my spine. It’s sexy, and before I know it, my hands are traveling to his chest. I pull his shirt out and my fingers trail up his chest. I want to feel his skin.
Liam breaks the kiss. “Natalie,” my name is both a plea and a request.
“Shhh,” I instruct him as I unbutton his shirt. “I want to feel your heart.”
My hands glide up and he trembles beneath my touch. We stand here with my fingers resting on his chest, feeling his heart beat beneath me. He’s alive and here with me. His hands stay at his sides as he once again lets me decide where I’m going with this.
“I want to touch you so bad,” he admits and his hand lifts then drops. “I’m fighting every muscle in my body right now.”
“Stop fighting,” I say without thinking.
Liam grips my arm and pulls my hand down as his lips find mine again. He kisses me roughly. Taking from me whatever I’m willing to give. I don’t know how far I can go, but right now I’m lost to him. I don’t see, feel, or want anything but him. My mind shuts off completely and for once I’m living in this moment. In the field with him, I’m not drowning. Liam breathes the air into my lungs for me. The life that left my soul months ago, when it was ripped from me, starts to find its way back. I’m alive in his arms. His touch elicits the part of me I closed off to come back and ignite.
“Liam,” I sigh when his lips leave mine and he kisses my neck.
“Tell me to stop.”
“Liam,” I breathe his name again as I feel his tongue glide against my collarbone.
“Tell me this isn’t wrong,” he says in between kisses.
I grab his face and force him to look at me. I need him to see it in my eyes. I want him to know I’m here with him and only him. “This isn’t wrong.”
He closes his eyes and pulls me against his chest. We hold each other as our breathing comes back to normal. It’s crazy how much he frees me from myself.
“I could stay here forever,” Liam says, breaking the quiet.
“I’d love to see it during the day.”
“One day, sweetheart. Let’s head back to the car before I do something stupid.” Liam releases me and takes my hand and we start to walk back up the path. “I’ve come once during the day, but at night you feel the peace. You can see the light through the black. The stars and the moon remind me that life is short and I need to live each day. My job demands I respect death.”
“Respect death? How can you say that?” I ask with doubt dripping from my voice.
He stops and stands before me. “Without death there is no life.” Liam pauses as if weighing his next words. “When one of us dies, it’s not in vain. We don’t go lightly and if I don’t respect the sacrifice someone made in honor, then what?” Liam asks.
“There’s no respect in death for me. It takes from you. It makes things go dark and gray because there is no solace for the remaining. I’m left here, picking up the pieces of my destroyed life because of death.” I choke on the words as he shifts uncomfortably.
Liam steps forward and I instantly regret my words. “Your life isn’t ruined. It’s altered. Things didn’t go the way you thought, but you have Aarabelle, you have friends who love you, and hopefully you’ll have me. I can never replace him and I never want to. He was my best friend and I’d give anything to have taken his place so you didn’t have to hurt.”
“Liam,” I try to stop him, but he puts his finger to my lips.
“No, I would. I hate seeing you hurt. I hate knowing Aarabelle will grow up not knowing him. I feel guilty getting to touch you, kiss you, and hold you in my arms. But I respect that Aaron saved more lives than we’ll ever know. He gave his life because he was going over there to make sure his team had what they needed. He’s a hero to the men he helped. A patriot. And for that, I respect death.” Liam’s hand presses against my shoulder and he opens the car door.
I don’t speak because I don’t trust myself. I climb in the car and let the weight of
his words come down around me.
He was my hero too, and I lost him.
The drive home is quiet as we both feel the emotions settle. There’s a lot to be said, but not tonight. Tonight was our first date, and it doesn’t slip past me that I spent a good majority in memories or tears. I know that if I were with anyone other than Liam, it would’ve been the date from hell.
The car stops in my drive and we sit awkwardly.
“Liam? I know it might not seem like it, but tonight was sincerely special to me.”
He leans over and grins. “You’re special and deserve a night out.”
“I just need time to get there. I want us to keep seeing each other. I want to be . . . well, whatever we are.” I laugh and wring my hands nervously. This is so uncomfortable it’s a little ridiculous.
“We’re friends, Lee. Friends who kiss a lot.”
I smile and let out a shaky breath. “I like kissing you.”
“I’m glad. Now come here and show me just how much.” Liam’s voice is husky with desire.
I shift slightly and give him exactly what he asks for.
“Hey, babe!” Reanell screams as she runs over. “You look amazing.”
“I look like crap,” I reply as I look down at my sweats.
“Yeah, I was being nice. You look like shit.”
Leave it to Reanell to be so sweet.
“You ready for the gym?”
Reanell and I decided we needed to get off our butts since it’s summer, and if I have to get in a bikini, I’d like to not jiggle so much. Even though there’s not an ounce of fat on her five-foot-three frame. She’s the kind of woman people hate to be friends with, naturally skinny even though she eats a bag of chips in one sitting. Has long, dark brown hair that always looks as if she spent hours doing it when she just woke up. But her eyes are most coveted—she has hazel eyes framed with the longest black eyelashes. I want to hate her, but then she opens her mouth and is the kindest person I know, so hating her is impossible.
“Can we go out to lunch after?” she asks as she sits on the couch.
Consolation (Consolation Duet #1) Page 10