“What do you want me to say? Tear it up, burn it down . . . do what you have to so you can start to heal.”
I look back in the closet where his shirts are shredded as if an animal tore through them. “Are you happy now?” I grab the shirt and grasp the hole, yanking it further. The pocket tears and I keep ripping apart anything in my sight. I taste the salt from my tears as I continue to assault his belongings. “Do you see me?” I cry out to the ceiling. “Do you see what you’ve done to me? I hate you! You’ve ruined me!”
Reanell touches my shoulder and I fall into her arms. “He didn’t ruin you. I think he just freed you.”
I wipe my eyes and let out a deep breath. “I need a shower.”
“Yeah, you do. Go get cleaned up and we’ll go get some fresh air and talk.”
“Grande, non-fat, white chocolate mocha please.” I order my drink of choice and sit in the chair across from Reanell.
“She could be completely full of shit,” she tries to convince me for the third time today.
I look out the window and try to find an answer that doesn’t end in “fuck you.” “You and I both know she’s not. She was at his funeral.”
“That day was a blur for you. Are you sure it was really her?”
Aarabelle plays with a smile on her face, throwing the toys out of her stroller as we sit on the deck. “I know it was, but I know it in my heart.”
Reanell sits back and shakes her head. “Maybe. I don’t know. I knew you and Aaron weren’t perfect. I feel like you need to remember that. But I’m going to say this and you can punch me: he’s not here anymore, Lee,” she lets out a shaky breath. “You have Liam now. Are you willing to let him go?”
“Do you realize how fucked up this is? Legitimately, this is so insane I can’t even fully comprehend it.” I begin to ramble as it all comes out. “I married Aaron out of high school, followed him all over the place. Made it through how many deployments, work-ups, and all that other crap to have him get out of the Navy. Then, he goes to work for Jackson and somewhere in there he screwed someone else while I was pregnant. Oh, but wait!” I keep going with my hands moving as I speak. “He goes and gets himself blown the fuck up! Yup! That’s my life. But no, it gets better, because it wouldn’t be fun if I didn’t keep going . . . I fall in love with his best friend,” I say and then sit back.
Oh my God.
“Love, huh?”
“I said love.”
“Yeah, you sure did.” Reanell studies me over the rim of her cup and then takes a slow sip of her drink.
“I didn’t—” I start to say “I didn’t mean it,” but the words get stuck in my throat.
“Dadadada!” Aarabelle screams as she throws her pacifier.
“Mamamama,” I say as I try to get her to say my name. She laughs and raises her arms. I lift her and hold her close.
“You’re going to try to deflect, but you and I both know you and Liam work. You make sense.”
I hold my daughter close and kiss her. “How so? We’ve kissed a few times, so how are we working?” I ask while bouncing Aara up and down. She giggles and my heart that felt broken mends with the love of my child.
“Maybe I’m talking out of my ass. I like him. He’s different than Aaron was. I know you think you guys had a good marriage, but do you remember all the bad? What about the nights he was being an asshole and angry at nothing? What about the way he’d go out with Quinn and the other guys and not come home? How easily you forget all of that.”
“Aaron and I never had it perfect, but what was wrong is what made us right.” I defend my life and feel foolish. He wasn’t always great. In fact, if I’m honest, there were many times where I wasn’t sure we would make it.
War changes a man. It causes what was once a light heart to become black and cynical. He’d been slightly injured in the firefight in Iraq that took out his team, and that loss affected him greatly. After that mission, he was never the same. I gave him time and space, but when he chose to get out of the Navy, things were bad for quite a while. He was angry, and when I got pregnant, there was a part of him that pulled away from me completely. He wasn’t happy, but he pretended. I guess I did a lot of pretending as well. If I avoided the issues I thought they would just go away.
“I know it’s not easy, but give yourself some time.”
“And you still like him after he left last night? I threw myself at him, begged him to sleep with me, and he said no and then left.”
She huffs and looks away, frustrated with me. “Did you actually want to screw him on the night you found out about your husband’s affair? Is that what you want to remember? I think he’s a fucking hero for telling you no!” Reanell doesn’t typically get loud with me, but here she is cursing at me.
“Don’t judge me, Rea.”
Her eyes narrow and her jaw falls. “Are you high? Because there’s no way you would ever say that shit to me. I’ve never judged you, Natalie. Ever. You have no idea, and for that, you’re an asshole.”
“Gee, thanks.”
My phone rings and I look at the screen and see Liam’s name.
“Hello,” I answer the call.
“Hey, I wanted to check on you.”
Always concerned about me.
“I’m . . . I don’t even know. Reanell and I are getting coffee.”
“I think we should talk. Do you want to meet up?”
I draw in a breath and let it go. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I can handle much today.”
No response.
“Liam?”
“I’m here. Let me know when you decide.”
“I will,” I reply and hang up.
Reanell gives me the knowing eyes and keeps her mouth shut.
“Don’t look at me like that. There’s only so much one person can take in a day.”
Aarabelle demands my attention and I choose her. I’m a mother first and foremost. I need to decide if I’m ready to love again and if that person is Liam. It’s not fair to either of us to go forward only to find out later.
“You know, he was there this morning,” Reanell blurts out and then folds her arms across her chest.
My face is blank as I try to understand. “At the house?”
“Yup, sleeping on your couch while you were passed out. He came back. He stayed even though you pushed him away.”
“I don’t . . . I mean . . . why?”
“Why?” She throws her arms up and Aarabelle giggles. “Because maybe he loves you. He was worried about you, so he came to your house in the middle of the night and checked on you. Then fell asleep on your couch. But here’s the thing and why you’re an asshole . . .” she pauses and stares at me, “He left before you’d see. He could’ve stayed and made you face him, but instead he did the noble thing and left. He didn’t want me to tell you. So yeah, you’re an asshole.”
He came back even after I made a fool of myself.
“Why does this have to be so friggin’ complicated?” I ask the beautiful sky, waiting for some divine intervention.
She huffs, “I think you need to think about what I said and tell me: are you going to screw this up?”
I look back at her and I realize it’s my choice. It’s up to me. And if Liam and I can’t make it work because of my truckload of issues, then so be it. But he’s been here, day in and day out. He cared for me when I was sick, was there when Aara was in the hospital, and put me back together when I wouldn’t acknowledge I was broken. It was Liam who mended my cracks.
“Can you watch Aarabelle? I need to take care of something.”
Reanell just sits back as if she knew this was coming and extends her hands. “I think you should go now.” She grabs Aara from me and shoos me. “Go. Run. Now.”
I grab my keys and get in the car.
Time to see if we really have a chance.
He came back.
I keep saying it over and over again because it doesn’t seem possible. Every time I think I’ve figured him out, he does something
else to throw me off. I battle with what exactly I’m going to say when I do get to his house. There are a lot of things I’m dealing with, and it needs to be him who leads this relationship now. He’s what I want, but I need Liam to take the reins. My heart is mangled and it’s going to be his decision whether he wants to be the one to mend it.
His apartment is only a few miles away from mine and I wish it was further. I have no idea what to say. The words float through my mind: sorry, I wish it was different, I want you, I’m a mess. I don’t know which is true, or maybe all of them are. I am a mess. I do want him—so much. I wish that this entire situation wasn’t happening and I’m sorry this is where we are.
I park in the drive and try to collect myself. I know two things. One, I care about Liam deeply. Two, I’m going to have to process everything.
The walk to his apartment seems to take forever. It could be that I’m walking at a snail’s pace. I go to knock and he opens the door.
Liam stands there in his tight, navy blue t-shirt and dark blue jeans. His light brown beanie is on his head and he leans against the door. “Hi,” he says and looks past me.
“Hi, can I come in?” I ask hesitantly.
He opens the door and turns so I can pass him. Well, shit . . . now I have to talk.
Liam follows behind me and I look around. His apartment is modern and practically empty. The typical bachelor pad, complete with the biggest television I’ve ever seen. I stand in the middle of the room and he waves toward the couch.
“I’m surprised you’re here,” Liam says as he sits in the seat next to me.
“If I’m keeping you from something . . .”
“It’s not important.”
I tuck my hair behind my ear and try to decide where to start. “I’m going to talk and I’ll probably ramble, but I need to say it.” I look up and he nods. “I’m sorry about throwing myself at you like that. It wasn’t fair to you or to whatever we’ve been doing. I care too much about you to do that . . . but I knew you could make it go away. It makes me selfish, and I’m so embarrassed that I did that. When you left, I drank so much and all I could do was replay how you looked at me when I begged you. I understand if you don’t want to be with me or don’t want m—”
“Don’t even say it. Don’t say I don’t want you. That’s not the case. I want you. Every day I want you,” Liam cuts me off with his voice razor sharp.
My cheeks flush and my heart begins to race. “Okay, I just meant that I shouldn’t have tried to get you to sleep with me last night.”
“Look, if all that shit hadn’t gone down and you wanted to take that step, I would’ve been all for it. Trust me, I want nothing more than to touch you, but not because you want to fuck Aaron out of your mind. I want it to be because you can’t stand the idea of me not touching you.”
He’s right but so wrong. “I want to be with you. There’s something between us that is beautiful and I don’t want to lose that. Even if you had said yes last night—it wouldn’t have been that.”
“That’s exactly what it would’ve been. Let’s be honest, because if we start with lies, this will fail before it even has a chance.”
Fear of losing him begins to bubble up. “I don’t know how to go from here because I feel like I’ve taken two steps back. I want to trust you, and I do, but I feel like this affair just destroyed whatever we were building. How could you want me knowing this?”
“Natalie,” Liam says and his hand gently cups my face. He pushes me to look at him and I get lost in his eyes. “I’ve fallen for you and for Aarabelle. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me you’re done. I’m done fighting with myself over having any kind of feelings for you. I want you, Lee. And his fuck ups have nothing to do with us.”
“But they affect us.”
“Only if you want them to. Look, every part of me battles with touching you. It’s like I’m the fucking dirtbag here. You were his fucking wife.” His hand drops.
“He obviously didn’t hold that title very high,” I say and grab his hand wrapping my fingers around his. “I’m angry, though, and hurt. He and I weren’t perfect, but I didn’t think he was capable of infidelity.”
“Did you have any idea?”
“No, I mean, we were fighting, but I was pregnant. We had been trying for almost a year to get pregnant with Aarabelle. I could only sleep with him during certain times, and sex was tedious, but I thought we were making the best of it.”
Infertility was a huge burden between us. Aaron felt his manhood was being challenged and I thought I was maybe not meant to be a mother. Even through it all, Aaron and I tried to stay close. He wasn’t any more distant than normal, and I definitely didn’t suspect anything.
“I wish I could take this away from you. I can’t though. He was your husband.”
I nod in understanding. Liam only knew the side of our marriage everyone saw. The happy, smiling couple that loved each other since they were sixteen. In many ways, it wasn’t an act. I did love him, and if he were alive, we’d be together, or at least figuring out where to go from here. But he’s gone, and I have Liam.
“In a way, it’s also opened my eyes to how my life wasn’t exactly what I thought.”
“How so?”
“Do we seriously talk about this? Do I really tell you about good and bad in my marriage to your best friend?” I question because it feels almost unnatural. This is the guy who I’m sure listened to Aaron talk about me and now I’m sitting here about to make him listen to me.
“I can’t say I’m going to enjoy it, but if we keep avoiding this shit, we’re never going to get past it. Look, this is hard as hell for me. Aaron was my best friend. I would’ve taken a bullet for him, no questions asked. When things started happening with you and I, I felt like a dick.” Liam plays with my fingers as we sit and talk. “You’re off limits. No one fucks another team guy’s wife. It’s code. But he’s gone and I don’t know how we found our way here.”
“I battle with the same thing. You were . . . well . . . you. I saw you as a friend. As Aaron’s friend. I can remember sewing your patches on and painting your helmet when you were in BUDs. When my feelings started to shift, I tried to stop it.” I twist my fingers in his as we both open ourselves up. “Do you know what I’m most upset about?” I muse out loud, but I need to say it.
“What?”
“This whole time . . .” I look away, but Liam’s hand pulls my chin toward him.
Liam’s eyes are tender but his jaw is tight. “Don’t hide from me. Let me in.”
My eyes blur with unshed tears as the words begin to form like acid on my tongue. “I’ve been so blind. In my mind, I blocked out everything bad and I’ve put him on this pedestal. When I told him I was pregnant, he shrugged and walked away. I forgot about that until last night. I wanted him to be so perfect. I didn’t want to remember how we weren’t always happy, but we were comfortable. I’m such an idiot.”
He’s rubs his thumb gently against my skin. I close my eyes to his touch and my hand touches his chest. I lean into his body and he holds me close. “You’re not an idiot.”
I let out a short, sarcastic laugh. “The hell I’m not. My husband was cheating on me when I was pregnant. I laid in bed crying for days over someone who could’ve been planning to leave me. My entire life was a lie.”
“I don’t know what to say. A part of me—the selfish part—wants to tell you he was a fucking moron and you’re better off with me. I wouldn’t cheat and would tell you how you shouldn’t spend another minute thinking of him.” I lean up and Liam lets out a deep breath. “The other part of me is fighting against defending the motherfucker. But I won’t defend what he did . . . it’s so fucked up.”
This is what I worry about with us. “Will Aaron always be between us?” I ask and hold my breath.
“I don’t know. Tell me . . .” Liam pauses and bends forward. His lips touch mine and he kisses me. His tongue glides across my lips and he pulls back. He waits for me to open my eyes, and
the fierceness stops my breath. The tension in his muscles is clear as he gives me what I need. “Do you wish he was here instead of me? Right now, do you wish it were his arms around you? His mouth on yours?”
I hear him speaking, but I can’t focus. When his lips touch mine, all that exists is Liam and me. He stops and waits . . . I bring myself back to his question and shake my head no.
“That’s not good enough,” his low gruff voice is demanding.
“Right now, I’m not thinking of anyone else.” My lips ghost against his.
He just barely touches his lips to mine. Liam’s head moves side to side as he brushes against my mouth. It’s a game of who’s stronger at this point. “I didn’t ask that.”
“I’m not sure how to answer that, Liam. I’m here with you right now. I’m in your arms. I want to be here—with you.”
The air is thick between us and he doesn’t relax. “He doesn’t have to be here. This is you and me.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” The honesty seeps through each syllable. “I’m scared.”
Liam lies back on the couch and pulls me against his chest. I lie in his arms pressed against him with our fingers intertwined. “I’m falling in love with you, Natalie.” His chest rumbles and I look up. “If I’m not already there. You’re not the only one who’s got something to lose. I don’t want you to say anything back to me. I just want you to know.” Liam’s fingers roll mine as he waits for me to react.
As afraid as I am about being hurt again, I know I’m not alone. “I’m falling for you too. I just don’t know if I can.”
His eyes tell me he understands. He pulls me back down and rubs his hand against my back. There’s a lot the two of us need to overcome. But right here and now, I’m safe. Liam’s strong arms hold me together and I try to think of the last time I felt this way.
Aaron and I were married so young, but we’d had a good marriage. He was gone a lot, and that part sucked, but it made our reunions that much sweeter. Aaron had a temper, but he was never abusive or mean. Hell, half the time I was the one throwing things across the room. He provided for me and I became content. But there were times I could see him distancing himself from me. When he would become belligerent when I would try to talk about what happened overseas. The infertility, PTSD, and his disdain of no longer being a SEAL ate at us. He would spend hours in the garage working on his car and then go to sleep or go out. I put blinders on and thought when I was pregnant with Aarabelle it would fix everything. But the only time Aaron was happy was when other people were around.
Consolation (Consolation Duet #1) Page 15