Liam holds my hair and my shoulders. I want to die. I feel like each bone in my body is shattering. The splinters of my wounds are open and I’m bared for the world to see.
“I hate him!” I cry out as I stand and Liam puts me in the car without saying a word. I hate myself for coming here. I hate Liam for touching her even if it was only her hand. I hate Aaron for his indiscretion and the fact that I’m left with my imagination.
Aaron, the man who wrote me letters. The one who made love to me so sweetly when it was my first time—was a fucking cheater. I made him promises of love and fidelity, to end with him dead and now a liar. I cried for him, wanted to put myself in the ground next to him so I could be close to him.
Did he love her? Was she better than me? When he held me at night and talked to my stomach, was he wishing it was her carrying his child? I can’t stop thinking it. It flows through my thoughts over and over. Each memory feels tainted.
Next thing I know, I’m in front of my house and Liam is helping me out of the car. I close my eyes and sit on the deck. The warm air that used to give me solace makes me ill. Liam stands before me, and when I look up, he looks as lost as I am.
“I’m going to let Paige go home,” Liam says and walks into the house.
I barely nod.
This day I want to forget.
Paige walks by and waves. I lift my hand and then I feel Liam beside me.
“I’m at a loss here, Lee. I’m not sure what to say or do.”
“You think I know?” I say harshly. I’m sitting here crying about my dead husband’s newly discovered year-old affair to my current boyfriend. There’s no way to make this shit up.
“No, I don’t, but do I hold you? Do I tell you that he’s a fucking fool?”
I look at him ready to spew my anger, but he looks as enraged as I am. “I don’t know. I can’t get answers for any of this. Do you know how this makes me feel?”
“I swear to God, Lee. If he was alive, I’d fucking kill him right now.”
“How could he do this to me?” If Liam can give me some answers, I’d really appreciate it.
Hesitantly, Liam moves closer. “I don’t know, but I would never be able to touch another woman after you. I’d cut my fucking arm off before it would happen. So I can’t answer you because I don’t get it. I hate that you’re hurting.”
I look at him and I feel worse than before. Here’s Liam, my boyfriend, consoling me over another man. The word “man” is being used loosely because right now, I don’t consider him one.
“I don’t know if I can do this with you.”
Liam laces his hands behind his head and looks at the sky. “This is going to sound fucked up, but don’t let what he did to you define what happens with us. I’m not Aaron. I’m here. I’m standing right here. I didn’t touch her and I wasn’t married to you. Fuck, we’re not even sleeping together and I couldn’t do it. So I’m not that guy.”
I step toward the door and want to erase this entire evening. Before I open it, I turn to him, “I know you’re not Aaron. I know you’re here, but right now my heart is broken. It’s like I’m back grieving all over again.”
He steps forward and grips my face, and I beg him with my eyes not to do it. “You’re not grieving. You’re hurt and I get that. But if you didn’t find any of this out, where would we be tonight? I’d be in your bed with you. I’d be holding you, touching you, showing you how much you mean to me.”
“Make me forget him,” I say desperately.
“Lee . . .” The apprehension in his voice tells me to stop, but I can’t.
“Please, show me how you want me,” my voice is dripping with need.
“Don’t do this,” he begs, staring into my eyes.
I want him to make this all go away. “Make love to me tonight. Please, I need you to show me I’m yours. Make all I can think about be you. Give me this.” I try to lean up to kiss him but he backs away. The way he looks at me says it all. I cover my face with my hands. This night just keeps getting better and better.
Liam pulls my hands down. “When we make love for the first time, when I claim you, it’s not going to be because you want to forget. It’s going to be because you want me. You’re mine now.” He pulls me close and kisses me. Every emotion Liam’s feeling is passed through us. My stomach tightens as I experience them all—anger, hurt, fear, love, and desire. He pours himself into me.
Liam pulls back and looks at me.
My eyes fill with unshed tears. He kisses me gently and walks away, leaving me feeling worse than I did before.
I enter the house and I want to feel nothing. I deserve a break from every emotion that’s haunting me. The bottle of Jack Daniels sits mocking me. I grab it and don’t bother with a cup.
“Fuck you and your cheating self, Aaron,” I say out loud as I take a drink. The burning down my throat ignites my anger. “I hope she was good, fucking bastard,” I say at his photo and the flag on the mantel.
I drink another gulp and the alcohol flows through me. After getting sick at the bar and the amount I drank before, my body welcomes the numbness. “I guess I’m a real naïve idiot.”
Reanell opens the door and stands there. “Oh, Lee . . . you and Jack don’t need to have a date tonight.”
“Jack, Johnny, hell, any man will do. Except for Liam, nope . . . he doesn’t want me like this.” I grab the bottle and pour more down my throat. Might as well, my life went to shit again anyway.
She walks toward me and takes the bottle. Before I can protest, she takes a long drink. “I figure we can both hate life tomorrow.”
I snatch the bottle back from her and she glowers. “Mine. I need it more than you.”
“Before you grab a straw, I think you should talk to me. Where’s Liam?” Reanell looks around and I scoff.
“He left too. I threw myself at him and he left.” I see the disapproval through her eyes. Good. She can be pissed at him too. “Maybe he went back to the bar to find Brittany. She seems like she gets around.”
“Now you’re just being an idiot. Keep talking like that, I’ll take your liquor away,” she chastises me and I begin to cry. “Oh, Natalie . . .”
The tears stream and the numbness I was hoping for morphs into pain. “How could he do this to me?” I sob and she opens her arms. “I thought he loved me. I was pregnant!”
“I know, I know. Let it out.” She doesn’t try to console me more than hugging me and letting me drench her shirt.
“I gave him everything. I-I don’t get it-t.”
“You’re hurting and drunk, so go ahead and cry,” Rea says as she brushes my hair off my face.
I lie in her lap as she plays with my hair. I mumble incoherently about hating him to wishing I could kill him myself. All this time I thought I was married to a different man.
Once I’ve gotten to a point where I’m no longer hiccup-crying, Reanell helps me upstairs. She climbs into bed with me as I lie here wishing I could sleep so I could get a break from my mind. This is what she did after he died. Mason was away and she’d come sleep here so neither of us were alone.
“I wish I could go back in time,” I whisper, holding back the sadness that creeps up.
Rea shifts onto her side, “Yeah? To when?”
“I wouldn’t have tried to make him sleep with me . . .” My eyes close and I fight the sleepiness. “He didn’t even want me.”
Reanell shakes my shoulder, waking me. “Liam wants you. Liam cares for you and that’s why he didn’t sleep with you. You both deserve better than a drunken night of sex because you found out Aaron cheated. Now, shut up and go to sleep. I’m going to owe Mason a blowjob for sleeping here tonight.”
My lips attempt to smile but I fail. I close my eyes, drifting to sleep where the hurt can’t touch me. I welcome the reprieve and pray Brittany and Aaron don’t haunt me in my sleep.
My house is eerily quiet and I fight the urge to go back to her. I sat in my car for an hour after Reanell showed up. Fought with myself t
o knock on the door but instead I went home. Sitting there wishing I hadn’t pushed her to come tonight. Selfishly, I’d wanted to force her to be with me outside of the walls of her home, to go public.
After two hours of staring at the walls, I need to see her and make sure she’s okay. The way I left wasn’t exactly how I’d planned for the night to end. I wanted to fuck every memory out of her mind. Show her that he’s a prick for ever making her feel like this, but I don’t want it to be because of him. When I take her for the first time, it’ll be because she’s ready, but I had to use every ounce of restraint I had to walk away.
What a mess this whole damn situation is . . . I can’t really bash Aaron because he was my best friend. But I want to bash him because he’s a fool. I can’t push Natalie to be with me because the guilt of falling in love with my best friend’s wife overwhelms me, but I want her so bad I can barely breathe.
I open the door with the key under the plant. I make a mental note to have her change that. She’s asking for something bad to happen.
First, I see the half-empty bottle of Jack on the living room table. I shouldn’t have fucking left her. There was no way in hell I was going to sleep with her tonight. Not that I don’t fall asleep thinking about it every damn night, because she’s the real deal. The girl you bring home to your mother because you want to spend every day with her. She’s not the girl you fuck the night she finds out her husband slept around.
Anger boils inside because he’s a prick. The Aaron I thought I knew wasn’t so selfish. I can’t understand how he could cheat on Lee. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, and loving. He was so willing to throw it all away for someone like her? Thank God I never touched that slut.
I check on Aarabelle and see her sound asleep in her crib. I love this little girl. I mean, she’s freaking adorable, other than the diaper thing. If she could use the toilet, we’d be golden.
Slowly, I creep open Natalie’s door, unsure of what I’m going to find, but I need to see her. She’s asleep on her side facing me, but doesn’t stir. Her hair falls in her face and she looks perfect. I want to wake her and pull her into my arms. Hold her close. But I refuse to do anything tonight. I look over and see another person on the other side of the bed.
Immediately I want to punch something.
How the fuck can she have someone else in her bed?
Then I see the dark brown hair pulled up and realize it’s Reanell. She must’ve stayed.
I head downstairs and look over at the mantel where the flag sits. I’m conflicted and angry. “Why, man? Why would you do it? After everything that you said about the guys who fuck around on their wives.” I speak quietly but I’m pissed off. “And fucking Brittany?” I only met her once, but she was more than willing to do whatever I wanted after one night. Hell, she would’ve blown me in the bar if I asked her to. It makes no sense. You trade up, not slum it.
I sit on the couch and lean my head back. I’m drained, pissed, and a slew of other feelings I’d rather not think about.
The bottle of Jack sits there and I grab it, pulling a long gulp down. I close my eyes and wait for some brilliant idea to strike me on how to handle all this shit. She’s going to pull back. I can feel it. I pushed her away when she threw herself at me, but I want her to be ready when we take the next step, because after that . . . there’s no going back.
I relax and my mind goes blank.
Suddenly, I hear footsteps. I jump up disoriented and realize I fell asleep on her couch.
Shit.
I look over and see Reanell coming down the steps. She stops and her hand grips her throat until she registers who I am.
“You’re here?” she asks with a knowing look.
“I came by late to check on her, but . . .” I feel stupid. I should’ve left after I saw they were okay.
Reanell steps forward and puts her hand on my arm. “You really do care about her, don’t you?”
I let out a deep sigh. “I think that’s pretty obvious.”
“Do you love her?” She pulls no punches.
“I cared for her all those years we were friends. But I’m falling in love with her,” I admit for the first time to anyone including myself.
She nods and looks at the bottle of Jack. “She’s going to be hurting for a while, but don’t give up on her. I see things in her that you’ve brought out. Her heart will heal, but you’ll have to decide how much shit you’re willing to put up with in the meantime.”
We both sit on the couch and I look at the clock. It’s six A.M. and it’s way too early to be thinking about this. “I should get going.”
“For what it’s worth,” she puts her hand on my forearm, “I don’t think Natalie’s willing to see the issues she and Aaron were having. In her mind their life was wonderful, but getting ready to have a baby had her rose-colored glasses firmly in place. When you’re a military wife you choose to see things in a certain way. It’s easier than dealing with your brooding asses when you go through another shift in attitude.” Her face falls and she looks away.
“I can’t compete with him.”
She looks back and her eyes soften, “I don’t think you have to. That’s what I’m saying. Give her a few days and let her grieve the loss of the real husband she had. She’s been mourning an idea . . . which I understand.”
“I can’t feel like I’m second best to him.”
“I understand that. I think in a day or two she’ll come to terms with it all. If you love her, you’re going to have to realize this is like losing him all over again. The past slapped her pretty hard. And then kicked her a few times.” She sighs and looks away. “I also don’t think you were ever number two. Once she allowed her heart to let you in, you’ve been number one, even when you weren’t.”
“That makes no sense, but I’m exhausted and need some fucking sleep. Plus, I don’t want her to see me here.”
“You’re a good guy. I like you,” Reanell says and we both stand.
“Thanks. I think.” I grab my keys and head out the door, careful not to make any noise.
I look at her window and decide I need to let her come to me. I can’t keep pushing her and I fear I’ll push her away. I love her and that scares the ever-living shit out of me. She needs to decide if it’s me she wants. I sure as hell won’t be the consolation prize.
My head is throbbing. Between the crying and the copious amounts of Jack Daniels I drank on top of the beer, I’m lucky I’m not puking. I roll over and Reanell looks at me with a sad smile.
“Morning, sunshine,” she says in a low tone. “Water and aspirin are over there. You should take them.”
I groan and press my palm against my skull. “Aarabelle?”
“I already fed her and she’s down for her morning nap.”
I shoot up and immediately regret doing that. The clock reads eleven and I feel like the world’s worst mother. “I didn’t even hear her.”
“That’s because I woke up early and took the monitor out. I think you needed the sleep more than being super mom.” Reanell sits up and puts the water bottle in my hand.
Memories from last night flood back and I immediately wish I was still asleep. I look around the bedroom and anger boils past what’s reasonable. “I need to get out of this room,” I mutter and take the pills.
“Do you want to talk?” she asks, knowing what I’m feeling. In the beginning of her marriage to Mason, he cheated. They’re one of the stories in the teams that gave others hope that they could come out on the other side. Reanell and Mason worked hard to get through it and come out stronger. He paid heavily, but love was never their issue.
“About what? How stupid I am?”
“How the hell are you stupid?” her voice is full of reproach.
I stand and look at the dresser where Aaron’s watches sit. I look at his side of the bed that still has his clothes folded neatly. Opening a drawer, I start looking for something. Anything that tells me this happened. The headache throbs on, but I don’t care. There
are answers here and I’m going to find them.
“Natalie, what are you doing?” she asks me as I start to throw his clothes out.
“I have to know. There has to be something here. Something that tells me my husband was fucking another woman,” I explain as I pull a shirt out of the drawer. “I never bought him this . . . maybe she did.”
Rea comes up behind me and her hand grips my shoulder, but I shrug it off.
“He wasn’t that smart. There’s something here,” I insist. I grab the picture of us with him behind me holding my shoulders and kissing my cheek. I throw it against the wall with all my might and the glass shatters. “I hate him!” Everything comes flooding back.
Reanell sits back on the bed and crosses her legs.
The next drawer contains his pants. I pull each pair out and rifle through the pockets. Looking for God knows what, but I need something . . . anything. “Stupid bastard.” Each time I come up empty, I grow more and more angry.
I rip open his closet door and start pulling more things out. I find a pocketknife in his pants and rage consumes me. I want to tear every emotion out of me. Purge the hurt he’s managed to cause from the grave. “I hope she was worth it!” I cry as I cut his favorite suit with his knife. The fabric rips apart and so does a part of my soul.
“You about done?” Reanell asks, while sitting on the bed.
“No!” I rear back and stab his uniform and tear it apart. “How? My entire life I was devoted to you!” The knife rips another shred. I drop it and the clattering against the wood floor is the only sound that penetrates the air.
I stand in his closet and inhale. It hits me like a brick to the chest, I smell him. It’s as if he’s standing behind me. The clove and musk scent is strong, and instead of sadness . . . I want to see it turned to ash.
“Okay, I’ll just go make some popcorn,” she leans back against the headboard.
“I hate this house! I want to set it on fucking fire,” I cry out and Reanell sits quiet. “Say something!”
Consolation (Consolation Duet #1) Page 14