Tiller

by Shey Stahl

  Scarlet doesn’t know when to quit.

  I run my hand through my hair, tugging hard at the roots. I need a haircut, but then again, Amberly and River both like my Mohawk. “Maybe.”

  She grins, as though I’ve told her I’m in love for the first time. And I guess—in a way—I am.

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It took me weeks of those dumb sessions I didn’t want to be at that I paid attention to some of what they had to say. What really hit home was when Grunner, the crazy fuck he was, threw a copy of “Tao Te Ching” at my head one night and said, “Stick it up your ass.”

  I didn’t. That didn’t sound appealing. But I did read it. Didn’t stop until I was finished. I can quote tons of passages that meant something to me, but one makes me think of her. “Because she competes with no one, no one can compete with her.”

  I think of her. Again. She has nothing to gain by taking me back. In fact, she has a lot to lose. And when I think of River, she’s a blessing that came into my life when I needed it most and I hadn’t realized until she was taken away.

  “New beginnings are often disguised as painful beginnings.”

  I realize this is what I want. Her. River. What I’ve been missing all along. She’s what I want and I’m hoping I’m not too late. It’s not like I had some grand plan to win her back. I could express my undying love, or some shit, but you don’t think I’ll come out and say I love you to a girl, do you?

  Amberly has never been mine. There, I said it. But I’m irrationally hopeful she’ll forgive me and soul-crushingly disappointed she will. I know one thing. I don’t want to spend my whole life disappointing River as much as I disappoint myself.

  Do you see me standing near the gift table? Do I look nervous? Do you notice the way I can’t help but not fidget and arrange? I can’t stop my heart from overacting. It’s obsessing over every miniscule detail of River’s party because I have a lot to live up to. Ava and Cullen used to go all out for her birthday parties and spare no expense.

  While I need to stay within budget, my parents didn’t so they decided to throw the party at their home. Surprising huh? A lot has been surprising to me on their part. Like them finally starting to treat me as their daughter. I don’t even know when it happened. Just that one day, they acted like I wasn’t completely oblivious.

  And Alexandra’s slowly starting to become a human being. Do you see her over there with her rich friends holding her barely-there bump like it’s going to fall off her? Pregnancy looks good on her. I still won’t go have lunch with her willingly, but she’s here and we’re coexisting for River. Even though I’m pretty sure River wouldn’t willingly go anywhere with her either.

  “Is Tiller coming?” River asks, her voice so full of nerves.

  Oh, baby girl.

  I stare down at the birthday girl. I want to tell her yes, but I don’t know the answer. I gave the invitation to Willa, who said she’d give it to Tiller. Still, I don’t have a definite answer for River because this is Tiller we’re talking about. I don’t know his state of mind now he’s out of rehab and it could have gone one of two ways. Either he’s wiser, or wickeder. If that makes sense.

  Still, the moment River says his name, my head rushes to the defense, telling me to let it go and knowing my heart won’t. It’s been three weeks and four days since I last saw him and while that’s not a long time, it’s the longest I’ve ever gone.

  Do I still love him after everything he said to me?

  Everything in me wants to say no and push Tiller and his destructive nature away from us, but I can’t lie to him. He’s never once lied to me. Loving Tiller isn’t easy, and that’s why I love him the most. It’s just like me to want a man who’s gnarly and with history. The ones whose eyes hold meaning and life forced them to be that way. And Tiller, he’s exactly that. Abrasive and controlling, hard, and stubborn, but when you least expect it, he’s tender and sweet.

  But still, did he have it in him to come to my parents’ house on River’s birthday? I knew in my heart he’d come see me within a few days of getting released. There was just so much left open between us. And Tiller’s impatient. He’s always been that way. Everything’s given to him when and how he wants.

  Blinking slowly, my hand on my chest, I look up at the cloudless sky. “Please, Ava, make him show.”

  I sit in my truck for over an hour. Smoking. Trying to calm my nerves, but it doesn’t work. Eventually, I give up and say fuck it, it’s now or never.

  Believe it or not, the first person I run into at the party is Doug Johnson. Lucky me. He catches me near the street, next to my truck.

  He stares at me, like “why are you here?” Tucking one hand into the pocket of his black slacks, he lifts his chin and runs his other hand down his beard. And then he reaches for my hand and I shake his. It’s the weirdest experience of my life, and that includes the time I had lunch with a gorilla in Africa and he threw shit at me.

  Maybe Doug’s getting ready to throw shit at me, and that wouldn’t be surprising at all. But he says, “I still think you’re an asshole, but I respect that you went to rehab and are at least trying to make some changes.”

  Did he really say that? You heard him too, right? Am I imagining this? I wait. I don’t say anything. Is he going to throw shit at me still?

  He doesn’t.

  Squaring my shoulders, my posture stiffens. “I still think you’re a dick, but I respect that your Amberly’s dad and River’s grandpa so thanks.”

  He laughs and motions over his shoulder, his keys in his hand. “Party’s back there.”

  I thank him and walk away

  I’m nervous and sweating like a pig up the driveway. I stall near the side of the house with a gift in my hand. I nearly drop it twice because my damn hands are shaking so bad. And my heart, it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest.

  Christ, you’d think I was high again. And in a way, I am, but not from substance. I’m high on fear that they won’t want anything to do with me. In freestyle competition, you have two minutes to impress the crowd. If I can do that, I can certainly apologize, right?

  One would think so, but I’m not entirely convinced yet.

  In the backyard, it looks like a princess movie threw up. I spot Amberly first, her bright purple hair standing out against the pale pink tents in the backyard. She’s wearing a diamond tiara and looks fucking adorable in a flowy turquoise dress. Do you see her? She’s hard to miss with the hair, but she’s arranging gifts on the table, only they’re overflowing onto the grass.

  I don’t move at first. I stare at Amberly’s beautiful hair. I smile because while she’s arranging gifts, she’s licking the frosting off a cupcake, and I think it’s funny. She’s hates cake. Doesn’t see the point in it when there’s frosting to be licked. The fact that I remember it makes me smile wider.

  My jaw clenches, my heart beats faster. I swallow. I can do this, right? With a deep breath, I straighten out my shirt and walk over to her. I stand there for a moment, waiting to see if she’ll turn around, and when she doesn’t, I whisper in her ear. “I think you’re fighting a losing battle there.”

  She startles, jumping at the sound of my voice. She turns around, her face flushed, her hand over her heart. “You scared me.”

  “Well I thought about whispering Candyman, but I was afraid you’d punch me and I’d drop the gift.” I hand it to her like it’s a bomb. “Here’s one more.”

  She looks at the present, awkwardly wrapped by me in black duct tape and a paper bag we had lying around. But do you see that? She smiles. And it looks fucking sincere, doesn’t it? “You came.”

  I smile, too. “Did you think I wouldn’t?”

  Her face falters. She had her doubts. “I didn’t know what to think.” Her voice shakes, as if she’s unsure how to act. Her hands fidget with her dress, hair, anything to keep herself busy. “You’re not the most predictable person, you know?”

  Sighing heavily, I nod my head once. “I’m working on chan
ging that.”

  Our eyes meet, and it takes everything in me not to kiss her. I want to so fucking bad I have to bury my hands in the pockets of my jeans to keep from pulling her in.

  Staring at the present in her hands, she smiles again, then sets it with the others. When her back’s to me, my eyes roam over her body. She looks like she’s lost weight since I last saw her. Not much, but her shoulders are more pronounced. It pisses me off because it’s probably because of me.

  “I heard about you going to rehab,” she says softly, twisting around to face me. “I’m really proud of you. I know it can’t be easy for you to give up a lifestyle you love.”

  “I wouldn’t say I loved the lifestyle,” I admit, hoping she sees the truth behind it. “There’s something I love more, and it gave me a good bit of incentive to change my ways.”

  Do you notice the way her breath catches? She understands the meaning and deflects her feelings. “River will be excited to see you. She really missed you.”

  I take a step toward her. “Did you hear what I said?” My voice breaks. I hate the emotion welling up. Fuck that. Clearing my throat, I straighten my back, tensing through it.

  She’s quiet, my words wrapping around her. “Yes.”

  I don’t break our stare. “What did I say?”

  Dropping her eyes from mine, she draws in a careful breath, her voice shaking. “You said there’s something you love more.”

  “And who do you think I’m referring to when I say that?”

  She swallows, her cheeks as pink as the bows covering the white linen tables beside her. Laughter floats around us from the nearby children when she whispers, “River.”

  Leaning in, I’m close, but I don’t touch her, but I breathe out, “That’s true, but River isn’t my only reason.”

  When I pull back, I’d like to think she’s open to the idea, but I can’t read her emotions.

  “I think about you more than I want to admit,” she says, giving me a smile that’s more, I like you, than I hate you.

  “I’ll take that.”

  She gestures to River who hasn’t noticed me yet. “We’re a package deal now, Tiller. So if you want me in your life, she’s part of that.”

  I’m afraid to look. My eyes drift through the swarm of kids. For the first time in over a month, I see the girl who’s destroyed me in some ways and gave me hope in others. Do you see the little girl with the wild dark hair and pretty brown eyes? She’s by the swings staring curiously at me, but has yet to come over. “I think you got that wrong.”

  “What do you mean?” Amberly asks, her eyes following mine to River.

  “We’re a package deal. Me and her.” I give a nod to River and look back at Amberly. “I’m her dad. Where she goes, I go. If you want her, you’re stuck with me. Lucky you,” I tease, winking at her.

  She doesn’t look completely disgusted by the idea, does she?

  River bounds over, running at me, purple highlights in her dark hair. “You came!”

  I catch her in my arms and wrap them around her tightly. There are no words at first. There is no sound, only my heart beating against her chest. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. Just her and me. My. . . daughter.

  I kiss her cheek, smell her hair, hold her tiny body in my arms. “I got you something too.”

  She shifts, wiggles to get a closer look, staring down at the presents. “Can I have it?”

  I set her down and hand her the package. Eagerly, she tears at the bag, but the tape doesn’t let loose. Duct tape was a bad idea for kids. I help her, and she stares at the red rose cased in glass, like the one from the movie.

  Her eyes find mine. I nearly cry, but don’t. The tears burn when she says, “I love it, Daddy.”

  My eyes snap to Amberly, then back to River. Heart. Shattered.

  She kisses my cheek and then runs off with her friends. I stand, and Amberly approaches. “Did you tell her about me?”

  “That you’re her dad?”

  “Yeah.”

  Her stare moves from mine to River. “No. I didn’t. Yet. But the day the book arrived, she asked me if she could pick a new mommy and daddy since hers were gone.”

  My chest shakes. I’m really trying fucking hard not to cry at this point. “And she chose me?”

  “We both did.”

  Do you catch the dual meaning? I do. And it gives me hope for more. No matter what happens here, I’m still going to be River’s father. Whether she chose me or not.

  So in a way, I didn’t come for the girl, I came for the girl. Only the girl I’m after is four years old and has my eyes.

  Given my actions, I had a lot to apologize for when it came to what I said in my room that day. More importantly, I need Amberly to know I didn’t mean a goddamn word of it. I need her to know while I was a piece of shit, lowlife, asshole who’d lost his mind that day, it didn’t reflect how I feel about her now.

  I get my chance when River’s playing with her friends and I’m left with Amberly alone as she’s cleaning up the gifts and placing them in the back of her 4Runner. Seeming to avoid conversation with me, she doesn’t look at me much. Alexandra walks by, holding her stomach like she’s ate some bad Chinese food.

  “What’s with her?”

  Amberly rolls her eyes and places another bag in the back. “She’s pregnant.”

  Alexandra waddles down the pebble stone driveway. All the way down it like if she moves too quickly the kid’s going to slide right out. “With what? A bomb?”

  Amberly’s laughter surrounds me and I can’t take it any longer. I have to know I can see her again.

  I trap her at the back, pressed up against the rear quarter panel of her car.

  “I can’t take it any longer. Tell me there’s a chance,” I beg, holding her face between my hands. I want to kiss her. I almost do, but her words are important.

  She swallows. She hesitates. My heart races. Maybe she can’t forgive me, and I wouldn’t blame her.

  Strands of purple displace with the shifting of the wind. She’s so fucking pretty I can’t stand it.

  “There’s a chance,” she whispers, searching my eyes. “But you scare me, Tiller.”

  Honey, I scare myself. Though I don’t want to admit it, there’s too much wrong with me. That’s my problem. Too much so maybe she won’t forgive me, and I know I can’t blame her for it. Doesn’t stop me from trying because I’m nothing if not persistent.

  “I’m not asking for forgiveness here, or even to be with you, right now.” Bullshit. “I’m asking for a chance I guess.” Knowing if I don’t, I’m going to kiss her, I let go, step back, create some distance while my heart screams for me to hold on. “Maybe a date. One night, or maybe ten. Anything to show you there’s more here than me just wanting to fuck you. I know I did a lot of fucked-up shit but goddamn it, I want to show you there’s more to this than what I led on.” I pause, waiting and then add, “Just asking for the night.”

  Do you think she’s going to go for it? Fuck, I hope so. Check out her face. Do you see the way she’s watching me? She’s either going to walk away or tell me off.

  “One date. That’s all,” I add again. I sound like I’m begging and I am. “One night to show you what’s real. I can’t tell you this will all work out like I want, or you might want, but if this turns out to be a big fucking mistake, let’s make that big fucking mistake together.”

  My nerves sail, my stomach drops. When she closes her eyes, I want them open to make her see how consumed I am by her. I want her to see the guilt I’m wearing on my face.

  I shift, uncomfortable, my hands in my pockets. “If this isn’t what you want, I’ll give up,” I tell her. “I’ll still support you and River, but I’ll leave you alone and you can be with whoever you want.”

  Do you think I’m serious? Fuck that shit. I’ll kill the motherfucker who thinks he can take my place. You didn’t think I’d changed that much, did you? I might be clean, but I’m not delusional. This girl is mine. Breathing in deepl
y, I have to stop myself from thinking about it.

  The thought of her never forgiving me terrifies me, makes my stomach burn and knot with regret.

  She laughs, warmth spreading over her cheek bones. “The Tiller I know wouldn’t give up so easily.”

  She knows me well.

  For a moment, I see it for what it is. She might not forgive me and that’s on me. I can’t make her. Honestly, I don’t remember what I said to her in my room, but I know it was bad. Bad enough that she has every right not to forgive me. It didn’t even matter that the drugs River found weren’t mine. She was in my house and it shouldn’t have happened. I’m to blame for it. I take responsibility for it.

  I’m not angry. Not really. Not anymore. I’m guilty. And this isn’t about forgiveness. It’s about our future and if there’s one together. Forgiveness, if given, can come later.

  Amberly breathes in deeply, her hands on my chest. Her focus moves to the fabric of my shirt and running her fingertips over the material. “Do you remember when we were kids and I ran away to your house and you hid me your closet so Ricky wouldn’t send me home?”

  I nod. I vaguely remember it, but then when I think about it, I do. I remember she had dyed her hair bright yellow.

  “You said I was enough. Is that still true?” she asks, looking at me. “Am I enough for you?”

  “Yes. It’s still true.” The words are said with such conviction she has no reason to doubt me. I can feel my heart in my throat, waiting on her next words. “Let me show you.” Leaning forward, I slowly curve my fingers around the back of her neck, gripping tighter as I lean in. Searching her eyes, I bring her body closer, and repeat. “Let me.”

  Do you notice how silent she is? If only my mind was as quiet.

  Fuck, I want so badly to kiss her now, but still, I withhold because what’s that going to prove? Never in my life have I had so much self-control. Other than the time I went sky diving with Shade and Roan. We’d been filming a commercial where we jumped out of a plane with our bikes and performed stunts. Anyway, not that any of this fucking matters, but Roan had been sitting near the drop zone and he wasn’t wearing his parachute yet. I nearly pushed him out. I could have. I can’t say for sure I would have gone through with it, but in my state of mind—psychotic—it certainly was a distinct possibility I would have.