by Shey Stahl
I had self-control, and well, I suppose a slight resemblance of a conscience back then.
Amberly sighs and untangles herself. She holds up her keys. “I’m going to take River home.” My eyes drop to my feet. I hang my head. Denial fucking hurts. “I’m not saying no,” she adds, pressing her palm to my scruffy cheek. Leaning into her hand, I sigh, my eyes never meeting hers. “Just give me some time to think.”
Nodding, my voice is rougher than before, with so much emotion I can’t help. “Just give me one night. That’s all I’m asking for.”
I grab her hand and kiss her knuckles and then I let go. I walk away. Not because I want to, but because she needs me to.
To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.
Being patient isn’t for me. You probably already know that.
Waiting to see if Amberly will call?
Un-fucking-bearable. It’s torture. It’s like being on an airplane for me and leaving my life in the hands of someone else. And then I think, hadn’t I been doing that with drugs and alcohol too?
Eventually, yesterday, Amberly agreed to go on a date with me. One night two days before we leave for Vegas for the final round of After Dark. Are you surprised?
Shit, yeah you are. Me too. I have no idea what to make of it.
Here I sit in the house, with Camden and Scarlet, waiting for Amberly to come over. The house is different. There’s no more parties. No more random people passed out cold and no more drugs. It’s a normal mansion these days. If mansions can be normal.
I look at Scarlet. She’s talking to me about Vegas and a meet and greet. She looks hopeful I’ll agree to it since Shade agreed. I may be rehabilitated as they say, but it still hasn’t changed my thoughts on the politics of the sport or the stupid antics they come up with to bring fans closer to us. I’ll gladly meet a fan of the sport, but make me sit in a room and do it where you tell me when I can leave and what I’ll say, not a goddamn chance.
I lift my hand to my hair, running it through the mess of waves. It’s not in a Mohawk today, but it’s still slightly green on the ends. “You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m doing a meet and greet.”
“Can I come with you to Vegas?” Camden asks, staring at me for approval when Scarlet leaves the room.
I roll my head and look over at him, twirling my cell phone around in my hand. “Not this time, Cam-Man.” I toss a throw pillow at him. “Vegas isn’t for kids.”
He tosses it right back. “I’m hardly a kid. I turn twelve next week.”
Removing his S3 hat, I ruffle his hair and grab his neck in a headlock. He wrestles away from me laughing, and it’s then I see his innocence, whether he believes it or not. “I’m sorry for what I said to you.”
He stops, stares at me and replaces his hat on his head. “I know.” He looks hopeful. “Does that mean I can go to Vegas?”
I smile. “No.”
He frowns. “Then I don’t accept your apology.”
I steal the game controller in his hand. “Fuck that. I’m taking this then.”
We wrestle on the couch for it when commotion at the door draws my attention. It’s Amberly and River. Scarlet and Shade offered to watch River for the night. Said they’ll actually watch her. I’m not sure why, but Amberly agreed to give it another shot. For River’s sake because she’d been begging to come over.
I stand. Amberly stands there, too, smiling, and gestures to River. Take a look at her. She has a sleeping bag and a pillow and the cutest fucking grin I’ve ever seen.
“I get to stay over!” River exclaims, looking to Camden like he should be as excited as she is.
I kick him. “Cool, kid,” he says, snapping out of his pre-teen I’m-cool phase and pats the couch. “Me too.”
Amberly’s eyes drift to the coffee table Camden’s feet are propped on, then fade to me. She swallows. Is she remembering what River got into on this very table?
I try not to read too much into it, but then she asks, “Do you think it’s a good idea?”
I chuckle, attempting to shake the thoughts of what she’s really thinking aside. “You left her with me overnight. I’m pretty sure they’re more responsible than me.”
Her eyes soften, her posture relaxes. “Good point.”
I take a moment to look over what she’s wearing. A lilac sun dress that compliments the darker purple in her hair. Her makeup, effortless and barely there, just the way I remember her beauty. She’s naturally pretty and doesn’t need all that other shit.
Scarlet appears, wraps an arm around Amberly, but keeps something hidden behind her back. “You kids have a great time.” And then she flops next to Camden and River. “So what should we do tonight?”
“Get tattoos!” River shouts.
Camden nods. “I’ve been thinking it’s time for some ink.”
They’re joking, well, kind of. They could be serious, but I know Scarlet has more sense than that.
“Perfect.” Scarlet pulls out what she had behind her back. Tattoo gel pens. “Let’s do it.”
Once the gel pens are out, River loses interest in us. Doesn’t even say goodbye when Amberly annoys her by giving her a million kisses. I have to drag her out the door to get her to go out with me. But she agreed so there’s a step in the right direction.
It’s when we’re in my truck, on the way to one of the only restaurants I haven’t been banned from that she asks, “Do you love me, Tiller?”
I look over at her. I pull the truck over and down a backroad. I can’t be driving for this conversation.
My heart beats and everything I wanted before today, before the girl, fades out. “I think you know my answer.”
Her cheeks warm and she smiles, twisting to face me, but it’s not bright, it’s. . . tender. “But I’d like you to say it.”
She’s cute, adorable even, but love isn’t cute. It’s raw and destructive. “And if I don’t?”
By the look on her face, I know these are words she’s always wanted to hear. I told myself a long time ago if I was ever going to say them to a girl, they’d be said to this one.
Christ, just fucking say it. She deserves to hear it and, in some ways, I’m fucking terrified to say them, afraid they won’t hold the meaning she wants or that I’ll choke on the words.
I want to ask a million questions I don’t want the answers to. Ones that could break me forever. I touch her face with my hand. “Just as pretty as I remember.” My thumb runs over her bottom lip. My heart kicks in my chest, my breathing heavy, fire in my eyes for her. I stare at her, searching for the words I need. Dropping my hand from her, I run it over the back of my neck and sigh, searching for courage. I finally say, “I love you.”
Want to know the shitty part? I wasn’t looking at her when I said it. Couldn’t. I’ve never told anyone I love them. Ever.
But then Amberly says nothing in return. Not a goddamn word. She just stares at me like I might have lost my mind.
“Say something,” I demand.
Her eyes close. She draws in a deep breath and then her eyes open and she looks at me. They’re wide and hopeful and I’m relieved by her reaction. “I’ve loved you longer than I’ve loved myself.”
Do those words sting your heart like they do mine? It’s a brutal truth she’s never admitted, but I’ve always known.
Leaning forward, I hold her face in my hands. “This. Me. You. The way I’ve acted, it sucks. I suck. But that doesn’t mean I’ll always be this way or. . . .” I stumble over my words like a chump. “What I mean is. . . okay, look at it this way. You’re a judge and I’ve just performed. I’m scored on 0-100.”
“You get a zero,” she teases, giggling. “All across the board. Zero.” She even holds up her fingers to show me and her lips form an O. All that does is get me thinking about my cock in her mouth and how great that’d be.
“For fuck’s sake, I didn’t fuck it all up. I did some things right. And I just told you I love you. That’s gotta earn me somethin’.”
“N
ame one you did right before rehab.”
“The sex,” I point out confidently.
She blushes. “That’s debatable.”
I eye her. She caves.
“Okay. Fine. One point?”
I raise an eyebrow, smiling. “One?”
“Fuck. Maybe like fifty.”
“I’m not sure what’s hotter. The fact that you finally said fuck, or that you think that highly of the night.”
“Don’t flatter yourself.”
Now here’s the part where I turn into a typical guy. Not sure if I mentioned this or not, but I haven’t had sex since Amberly left that night. I think—I don’t know this for sure—I had sex with someone that night while high. But since then, no way.
My hand drifts to her thigh, under her dress. I grip her knee. “I bet I could score a hundred-cumulative score if given the chance.”
Do you see the flush of her cheeks? She wants me too. I convince her to get in the back seat of my truck with me because there’s simply not enough room in the front with the console in the way. I sit her between the seats with her ass on the console and unzip my pants.
I flip her dress up around her waist and remove her panties. No wasting time. She watches in what I can only assume is anticipation, her eyes hooded, her breathing heavy. Not a lot’s said between us. I think it’s been long enough words aren’t needed, and all I want is to be buried in her tight, wet pussy.
“What about dinner?” she asks, her voice shaking.
“Later. This first. I can’t wait any longer.” I spread her legs so her cunt is bared to me. “Fuck, you’re already so fucking wet,” I whisper.
She is, wetness that’s practically dripping from her pink pussy right in front of my face. Grabbing her ass cheeks, I lean forward so my breath hits her sensitive nerves.
“Did you miss me?” I ask, kissing the inside of her thigh. I can smell her, like soap and delicate female scent every man craves.
She squirms under my touch and nods.
Tracing my way from her clit to her cunt with my tongue, I savor the taste, knowing it’s never going to be enough. Flattening my tongue against her clit, my cock hardens, digging into the zipper of my jeans. “I’m never not thinking of you,” I tell her, repeating my words I said to her when I couldn’t admit I was in love with her.
She cries out against the console using the steering wheel and dashboard to support herself. My tongue dives into her pussy, relentless and focused on making her come.
“Come on my face,” I demand, eating her pussy like I’m dying for this. My balls draw up, my dick jolting when she moans, tossing her head back, my name falling from her parted lips.
Shamelessly, she grinds into my face, and I remove one hand from her ass and insert two fingers into her pussy. I breathe and taste her, and it’s all I’ll ever need.
She comes, her cry so beautiful, her smell, taste, the feeling of her pussy clenching around my fingers, it’s exactly what I’d been missing.
Unbuttoning my jeans, I lower them just enough to free my cock and get the condom on. I look at Amberly when I slide the condom on. She licks her cherry-red lips, bright green contrasting purple as if I’m somehow a predator for her. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen on someone so innocent and pure. She’s no longer pure. I’ve corrupted her.
I lean forward, kissing her. Hooking my hands around the backs of her knees, I lift her up and onto my lap.
Straddling me, she hesitates. Goddamn it. It takes everything in me not to force myself inside her. “Have you been with anyone else?” she asks, and I know I need to answer her truthfully.
I swallow, my nerves jumping. “I. . . don’t know. I think I was that night you left.” The words hang in the air between us. It’s her eyes that butcher me. I feel nothing when she’s away and everything when she looks at me like this.
My stomach drops, a shuddering exhale leaving my lungs. “Have you?” Anger rushes in my veins, my jaw tightening.
She looks at the mess I am and still smiles. “No, I couldn’t.” Her mouth parts and her cheeks redden. “Not when I’ve experienced you.”
Part of me hurts that she feels that way. She shouldn’t. But I’m fucking grateful she does.
With her eyes on mine, she sinks down on my cock, slowly. “Fucking Christ,” I moan out, leaning my head back against the seat.
Gasping, she starts to shake, and then cry. I stop. “What’s the matter?”
Shaking her head, she buries it in my chest and won’t look at me.
I don’t move. Panic sets in and I grab her face in my hands, pissed at myself I didn’t take into consideration this would probably hurt for her. “Did I hurt you?”
Again, she shakes her head, moving her hips up and down. “Don’t stop.”
I stop her from moving all together. “What the fuck is wrong? I’m not doing this if you’re going to fucking cry?”
Tears flow down her cheeks, purple hair falling into soft green eyes. “I don’t know why I’m crying. Maybe because I love you. Maybe because you’re all I’ve ever wanted and never thought I was good enough for. I’m not even sure. Maybe all of it.”
I take her face in my hands and smash my lips to hers. It’s the first time we’ve kissed since I’ve been out, and I pour every fucking emotion I have into the goddamn kiss. I make her feel she’s good enough for me. “You’re enough,” I tell her, panting and moving with her. “Your fucking enough.”
She’s still wearing her dress and I start frantically trying to remove it. I have to see her entire body. All of it. Her mouth remains greedy against mine, but mine’s greedier and we fight for each other.
She stops me, her hands on my wrists, breaking the kiss. “Don’t rip my dress, Tiller,” she warns, and I listen. Kind of. I still don’t stop from removing it.
“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want to your clothes.” Once I do have it off, my mouth latches onto her nipples, biting, sucking, as I thrust deep inside her. It’s like I can’t get enough, and I can’t.
“Oh God,” she breathes, rocking against me.
I lean my forehead against her tits, watching myself slide in and out of her. She’s so tight, her cunt squeezing my shaft. It’s a sensation so primal, I’d kill any other motherfucker who ever thought of having their dick inside her. She rocks forward again, greedy for more, goose bumps rippling up her arms.
Heavy sighs and even heavier gasps fill my truck. It rocks with our need. My arms are wrapped around her waist, gripping her so hard, she struggles to move.
She tosses her head back and I take a handful of her hair, gently tugging until her throats exposed for mine. She winces when I bite but begs for the pain when I don’t.
When she comes, her mouth meets mine in a frantic kiss, one with more need than ever before. My legs stiffen, my body tenses. She breaks the kiss and stares at me. If she moves, I’ll come. She holds the power. I lift my hips. “Come for me again,” I say against her lips. “Come with me.”
She nods, unable to form a coherent response. I shift my legs, trying to gain room. Amberly rolls her hips, her body trembling.
“Are you almost there?” I ask.
She nods again, but no words.
I tighten my grip on her hair. “Is that a yes?”
“Yes.” She winces. I loosen my grip.
I thought I had been holding her tightly before, but when she yells out my name and throws her head back, and I finally come, I grip her body as if I’m drowning and she’s the life preserve. In many ways, she is.
Her movements slow and my grip loosens. Burying my face in her hair, I exhale heavily. “What’s my score?”
She laughs and bites my shoulder playfully. “I think I need to see another run before I can give my final score.”
“What are you scoring me on this time?”
Her smile’s sinful. “Use of course.”
I lift her up and lay her over the seat. “Well then, honey, let me showcase my skills.”
And I do. For hours. W
e never make it to dinner. Instead we eat In-N-Out in my truck and then I fuck her again after smearing my milkshake on her pussy. Best night of my life.
Do you see that girl in the bed? The one curled up against the guy in a twin bed with ninja turtle sheets?
She’s in love. So completely in love that it’s hard not to smile when the sun peeks inside his room. I curl into him, never wanting the moment to end.
I thought I understood love. I thought I could grasp it, hold onto it when I had it, but I didn’t, not really. I experienced the smugness of it. The wild and free. The eagerness of it. I didn’t realize how it would change my life once it was taken away. And now that I’ve found it again, I didn’t realize how he could change my life. How he had from a very young age.
I nudge Tiller, knowing I need to get up and check on River. She slept in Shade and Scarlet’s room, and that in itself makes me nervous. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” I whisper.
He groans and rolls, taking the covers with him, wrapping himself up in a blanket burrito. I smile. River does the same thing in the mornings.
“I’m going to go check on River. And I think you have practice today, don’t you?” That gets his attention.
“Fuck, I do.” He rolls over cautiously and pulls the covers from his head. “Why did I agree to go Vegas?”
A waft of his smell hits me. He smells so good, like cologne and soap and the warmth of his body intoxicates me. Makes me want to curl up next to him. “Because you love it.”
I leave him in the room to find River downstairs, like she’s seamlessly part of the Sawyer family. She’s seated next to Camden at the kitchen island, eating cereal and laughing with Berlin, who’s next to her, looking at River like she’s her hero.
My eyes drift to Willa and Ricky. Everyone’s here and I feel slightly out of place, but then again, in the same sense, this feels like home to me. Scarlet wraps her arm around my shoulder and hands me a coffee. It’s an iced mocha “I got this for you.”