Vanished: What Would You Do If The Love Of Your Life Disappeared Without A Trace? (Nadine's quest to unravel the truth Book 1)

by D. D. Goordin

  “This is where you’ll stay for the time being. Remember that we are here to help you.”

  “I know and thank you.”

  I motioned into the room and could see there was en suite bathroom. I sat on the bed not knowing what to do.

  “I will be back to see you tomorrow. I will try to bring some clothes for you.”

  I watched Carlos walk out the room leaving me to my own devices. I felt an overwhelming sense of exhaustion wash over me. I decided to get into bed and sleep. The following morning I felt I could not register much let alone get out of the bed. Carlos had kept his word and brought some clothes for me. He had looked concerned but didn’t say much to me. Until I had seen that a doctor had visited me.

  “I don’t mean to alarm you but Carlos who had brought you here was concerned. We would just like to try and carry some tests to diagnose what you could be possibly suffering from.”

  “I am not mad!!! I just can’t seem to remember anything.”

  “That is why we had to do blood tests to see what is wrong with you. Just to remind you that you are in the safest hands possible.”

  The doctor had tried to calm me down and again I had remembered the same pain in my left arm when he had taken out blood.

  I had hissed.

  “Get it over and done with!”

  “This shouldn’t take not even a minute please if you can just try to remain calm and co operate with us you shouldn’t feel anything but a sharp scratch.”

  I listened to what he had asked of me but still didn’t feel I could quite trust anyone with a stethoscope for some reason I had the urge to punch this man. It was an irrational thought. I managed to fight the urge.

  “That’s it all done.”

  I had felt weak all over again. I had sensed that Carlos had entered my room with a tray of food.

  “Young man, you need to eat.”

  I couldn’t manage to feed myself due to how exhausted I had felt. Carlos had fed me and I had felt safe around him.

  “I will be back tomorrow to see how you are keeping. Hopefully things would have improved.”

  I kept on drifting in and out of consciousness, sometimes I could feel my heart palpitating and then slowing down. For the past few days I had not moved from the bed. The next few days had passed and I had felt weaker. I had become more responsive and sometimes had managed to get out of the bed. Carlos had given me a shave and had looked after me despite I had not felt at ease with this.

  “Thank you Carlos for everything but I am not an invalid.”

  “Can’t you see the state you happen to be in.”

  Most days I had remained in my room locked from any civilisation until I heard carlos talking to the doctor who had previously done tests on me. Again the voices had sounded very faint. I had been lying on my bed and edging closer off.

  “What was the problem with our young man that we have here?”

  “His blood tests have come back and honestly I am beyond concerned. Certain drugs had been administered there was traces of strong sedatives. Whoever had dealt with this man before clearly had tried to get rid of him.”

  I had fallen off the bed with a loud thud that a pain had sliced through my side.

  “OWWWW!!!!!” the pain was excruciating.

  “What the hell?” Carlos came in just at that precise moment. He had looked at me with an immense sadness in his eyes.

  “Don’t move! Allow me to get you on your feet I wouldn’t want you to injure yourself anymore than you may already have.”

  I remained on the floor holding the side of my torso where I had felt the pain.

  Carlos had placed his hands under my arm and had managed to get me back on the bed.

  “What the hell had you been doing?” he had asked.

  “Nothing.” I lied.

  “You were listening in weren’t you?”

  I remained silent.

  “I can understand that you would like to know what had happened to you but we have to take slow steps to get a better understanding of what could’ve happened to you; which is why we have decided that it would be in your best interest that a psychiatrist will see you. They may help you find yourself with techniques to help you open up and talk.”

  “What good would a psychiatrist do?”

  “The doctor there realises that you are not mad but please you have to have treatments mainly seeing a professional psychiatrist.”

  “Why do you expect me to listen to you.”

  “You don’t have to but I would like to think you will.”

  “You didn’t have to help me but why did you.”

  “I would like to think that you remind me of someone.”

  “Who??”

  “My son.” Carlos had looked emotional. I knew I had crossed a boundary.

  I remained silent wondering whether Carlos would say more on the matter.

  “My son, that’s who I would think you, would remind me off. I didn’t even get to see him grow up into the man he had become.”

  “Why not?”

  “I had given up my life into being a police officer years ago. I had put my career before my family. The last time I had seen my son was for his 10th birthday and when my wife had passed I couldn’t bring myself to keep in contact with him.”

  I didn’t quite know what to say but the fact he had mentioned his family had stirred up a deep sadness within me.

  “My family had meant the world to me, we practically had nothing but everything I had done was for my family so that we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. The more I was away from home the more distant I had become with my wife. It’s sad really.”

  For the first time I had felt emotions after feeling so numb for the past few weeks. The pain had felt raw and had cut too deep that I had let an a cry similar to that of a wounded animal. I tried not to think about it.

  “I am sorry Carlos, I shouldn’t have crossed that boundary considering how much you have helped me.”

  “I’ll be back to see you again. Get some rest.”

  I had felt a sense of guilt, sometimes I should have known when to keep my mouth shut. I had to remember I also did have a heart and I had to try and open up all the feelings I had somehow shut down but why could I not remember. The mention of the word family had stirred a raw feeling of hurt and bitterness and guilt for unknown reasons. Maybe Carlos had been right in talking to a psychiatrist. Maybe that would help to get my memory back. Days had passed by much easier. I had managed to get myself out of bed and into the shower shaving myself. Every time I looked at the man before and into those deep green eyes I could see there had been more depths within myself. I knew I had to be brave and start talking to the psychiatrist. I had met him once but I had shut off completely but today I would have to try. I finally managed to change into the clothes that Carlos had provided for me which had surprisingly had fitted perfectly. For the first time I had managed to go to the dining room in this lodge and mingle with the other guys who had been also admitted. Some of them had been in a much worse condition than I. I had decided to have a simple breakfast of mainly coffee with a slice of cake thankful that I had finally managed to start enjoying food again. Even my taste buds had disappeared for what seemed like months. I decided to sit by myself but even still when I had tried to think about the word family it brought on the same reaction which was so much anger and sadness. I refused to dwell on it anymore and thought it best to try and summon the will to talk to the psychiatrist but every time he had asked me questions I had refused to say anything. Once I had my breakfast I decided to walk around the lodge and saw that there was a garden. I had remained in my room for so long that I had not been willing to communicate with anyone especially the doctor. I sat in the garden for a long moment my thoughts were blank, nothingness to be precise. It was like a void that someone had placed there and it had been immensely hard for me to even describe. I listened to the birds chirping and listening to the sounds of nature. I had forgotten pretty much everything.
I still couldn’t figure out my own identity. I decided to head back in to my own room where I had found Carlos waiting for me.

  “You have improved. Its extraordinary to see that you are up and for once cleanly shaved.”

  “I know.” For once I had smiled which was something I had realised I had failed in doing.

  “I am keen for you to see the psychiatrist today. What do you think?”

  “I am willing to try my hardest.”

  “I will be back tomorrow by the way the psychiatrist will see you in the treatment room.”

  I had been there before on a few occasions where I had not even responded to what the psychiatrist had asked me. The room was light exactly like all the other rooms which should have helped my mood. I walked in to the room and sat opposite the man. He looked like any other guys and thankfully he did not have a stethoscope around his neck.

  “How are you today?” he asked.

  “I am feeling much better.” I stated.

  “Have you thought about anything today?”

  “Still blank moments I’m afraid.

  “hmmmm.”

  “I will try and ask the same thing like previously.”

  “Your family? Do you know where they are?”

  I stared into space. It had been the same reaction but then an emotion had reared its ugly head again; a pain so deep had sliced my heart. I had let out a cry of a wounded beast. The anger had toppled over and I had realised I was standing up momentarily punching the walls. I had expecting to feel the pain but again it was numb.

  “Back up needed immediately please.” I heard the psychiatrist yell.

  I felt myself being detained and pinned down. Helpless. I felt myself being carried back to my room. It was irrational. Why had I shut off every time was beyond me. I couldn’t understand it.

  I didn’t bother leaving my room for the rest of the day and even in the evening I had my dinner and decided to sleep hoping that someday there will be a break through. Despite the fact that I couldn’t quite open up just yet regarding family, Carlos had visited me every day and had kept his word.

  “Carlos, why did you decide to change your career from working in the police force to helping homeless people?”

  “The police force was amazing in itself but I wanted to do more with my time. Helping those who are unfortunate and doing a good deed, and the rewards you receive are so much more worth wile. I have helped you and from the time that I had seen you on that bridge to what you are now is a major improvement far more than I could have imagined.”

  To hear someone say that out loud had given me hope.

  “Do you think I will ever remember who I was and who I am now?”

  I could see that Carlos was contemplating on what he should say.

  “Honestly I have seen men who were in a much worse condition than you are in. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel so I am hopeful. But keep in mind that to open up when talking to a psychiatrist you have to go through that and open up to it instead of closing up. I can understand that it may bring you greater pain but you have to allow yourself to feel emotions. Anger is an emotion, sadness is another and so forth. Trust what the professionals are doing here. We are only trying to help you recover. You were lucky that I had found you that night. What the doctor here had found were traces of sedatives so strong that it could have been lethal. I gathered that you had come from St Thomas’s hospital but we don’t know who had happened to be treating you. Clearly the person who was had not been doing his job but more so abusing his powers.”

  I listened intently to everything that he said and Carlos did have a point. I have to allow myself to feel the pain instead of shutting it out instantly. I know that by shutting off my emotions wouldn’t do me more favours.

  “I know I may not have asked you this question but do you have a wife? Or even a girlfriend?”

  I had to think long and hard but I had known the answer to be no. Maybe instinctively I had known that.

  “No.”

  “How can you be so sure? How is it that you can remember that?” Carlos was raising his eyebrows at me.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Hmmm that is strange. Let me know how you get on with the psychiatrist. Surely you know that I won’t be giving up on you just yet. There’s a glimmer of hope. Honestly have faith.”

  “I will try to anyways I need to go and see him now.”

  As we both headed out of the room, I watched Carlos leave whilst I headed in the opposite direction.

  I walked into that room where I had known I hadn’t yet been able to face my demons. Again the same questions had been asked.

  “How are you?”

  “I am ok.”

  “Have you had time to think?”

  “Yes and no.”

  “Would you like to elaborate?”

  “Well someone had asked me whether I had a wife or a girlfriend but instinctively I had known the answer to be no.”

  The psychiatrist had rubbed his chin in thoughts.

  “That does seem strange. So what if I mentioned the world family? And whilst you do this try and close your eyes and feel the emotions that are consuming you.”

  I did what he had asked for me. We had not tried this technique before. I had tightly closed my eyes and had given thought to the word family. Instantly I felt the same searing pain.

  “Breathe.” I heard the psychiatrist say.

  I took deep breaths and thought long and hard and slowly images had come to my mind, an older woman had appeared. I felt her giving me an unconditional love and knew that had to be my mother. I opened my eyes.

  “What did you see?”

  “I had seen an older woman whom I felt so sure was my mother.”

  “Did you see anything else?”

  “No just her.”

  I think we have finally had a break through. I had allowed to feel again and feel the pain and had controlled it by a technique of breathing slowly.

  “Think of it as slow steps. I wouldn’t want you to try any harder. We can attempt it again tomorrow if you’d like. But I have to say for once you have managed to control your emotions. I am proud of you.”

  For the first time in ages I had felt happy, joy that I had managed to delve deep into the back of my mind. It had taken a while to say the least but listening to Carlos had proved it right. The man knew what he was talking about. The next day when Carlos had visited I had mentioned that for the first time I had seen my mother and felt the unconditional love that she had provided me when I was a baby. It was very similar to an out of body experience.

  “I told you that there was a glimmer of hope. You are showing signs of improvement. The doctor had thought that due to the sedatives that had been administered would make you lose your memory which did in fact happen but with slow steps and a professional who can make you evaluate all your emotions should hopefully bring back memories regarding your family.”

  “Did your mother happen to call you by your name?”

  “Not that I was aware off. I know that she was holding me and singing a lullaby to me. Maybe in my other sessions the memories will come flooding back.”

  “I do hope so.”

  The days were going much quicker and despite I had managed to have a breakthrough on that one occasion which was the only thing that kept on appearing throughout the rest of the sessions in my mind. The psychiatrist had explained that it was normal to happen as I had closed off all my emotions for so long and that maybe what had also made it that much difficult was the effects of the sedatives that had been administered. It was a miracle that I was alive from what the doctor had told Carlos.

  Carlos had helped me immensely especially when he had openly talked about his life regarding his policing career.

  “So what happened to your son?” I had asked.

  He had remained silent, he probably think I would question him in regards to this.

  “Honestly, from what I was aware he had decided to follow my footsteps. He
is in the force.”

  “Like father like son.”

  “Maybe but I am sure my son won’t make the same mistakes that I had made putting my career first then my family.”

  “You never know.”

  “Wouldn’t you like to see him?”

  “I had always thought about that and deep down I would love to but so many years have passed whereby I have not been in his life. He had somehow survived without his father thanks to my mother who had also not bothered to keep in contact. My family had thought I was silly to put anything above them. But yet they had not seen that I had worked hard for them.”

  “I can imagine how difficult that must have been.”

  “Hopefully one day soon, you never know you may just be reunited with your son, surely if you were to talk to him he would understand.”

  “I am not too sure about that.”

  I had glanced down at the gown that I had worn which was laid on the bed and had seen there in the pocket was a tissue that was partially ripped with a number and the letter N that was written in red lipstick.

  “Carlos can I use your phone?”

  “Sure but I just need to change the settings.”

  He handed me the phone and I dialled in the number. It was ringing but no one had answered. I was debating on leaving a message but I had kept on thinking whether I had known someone whose name had started with the letter N.