When To Let Go

by Sevilla, J. M.

  “Just one of Ava's admirers,” Dakota explained, giving Ava another wink. Why she did that Ava hadn't a clue. “I'm Dakota, by the way. Ava's new best friend.”

  “Mm,” Wes grumbled, not paying her any attention, staring at the back of the guy who had just left. The hardened look of his eyes lately was starting to grow into his features.

  “You ready?” His lips barely moved when he asked.

  Wes didn't give Ava time to answer and began walking in the direction of her next class.

  She waved goodbye to Dakota, who was watching Wesley with a look Ava couldn't decipher, not knowing her well enough. Maggie got that same kind of face when she was calculating a way to sneak onto the racetrack for a run.

  The tension during the car ride home that day had Ava's stomach knotting getting worse. Wesley was in the worst mood she'd ever seen, as was Violet. It had been over a week, and Ava's brother wasn't faring any better. He seemed drunk all the time, which worried her. She had to slip gum packs into his pocket when she saw him, hoping he chewed it and didn't have the smell on him at work. Mr. Baxter was still pissed at him, and she didn't want him to have a reason to fire him.

  “Drop me off at the gym,” Wes told Maggie.

  He went there almost daily now, even without his dad.

  “I thought we were hanging out?” Ava blurted, wishing she hadn't. She had vowed to never be clingy like her biological mother had been, always encouraging Wes to hang out with Xavier or the basketball team, but she didn’t like this growing distance between them.

  His face softened a tad when he looked at her, “I really need to work out.”

  She tried responding with understanding, “Okay.”

  “Want to come with me for a ride?” Maggie suggested, loving to get lost on desert roads.

  Ava happily agreed. Riding in a car with Maggie always scared the bejesus out of her, spiking her adrenaline and making it so she couldn't think about anything else, which was exactly what she needed right now. Violet decided to come too, not knowing what to do with herself since she wasn't allowed in the garage when Parker was working.

  It ended up being a fun afternoon with lots of laughing and ended with them getting ice cream (that Ava almost refused, remembering Dakota's comment about her being chunky, but her trying to deny sweets was like the Pope denying God).

  Wesley seemed in a better mood the next day, relieving some of the knot in Ava's stomach that hadn’t gone away.

  It got worse again during gym. Every day she was forced to watch the girls in his class compete for his attention. She tried ignoring it as best as she could. Eventually, the pull became too great and she had to glance over. To her relief, his class was at the gated tennis courts and his one and only partner was a male. As though sensing eyes on him, Wes looked around, landing on Ava. A slow, lazy smile spread across his lips. That was another one of his smiles she loved and hadn't seen much of lately. It always made her stomach dip.

  He waved to her and she waved back. His partner followed who he was waving to. He came over to Wesley, mouthing something close to his ear, peering at Ava in a way that made her uncomfortable. Before she had a chance to register what was happening, Wes had pushed the boy up against the caged fence, making the metal clink and drawing attention. His forearm pressed into the guy's neck, locking him in place.

  Gasps fell from various areas, surround-sounding the outdoors. Students moved in closer, hoping a fight was about to break out. Ava remained rooted in her spot. She had never seen Wesley become violent before. He was always so laid back, making everyone around him the same. Even from her spot on the football field she could make out how red he had become, veins bulging from his skin. She knew he had muscles, but the stance he had taken made them look massive. He was tall like his father, yet she had never noticed that he was quickly becoming just as big. It was a little frightening.

  Wes was saying something to the guy that had him apologizing between his gasps of air.

  A male teacher had to pull Wesley off. The boy dropped to the ground, sucking in air. His fists were balled up at his sides, turning white, his chest heaving from anger. The teacher was informing him to calm down.

  “I'm cool,” he stated, though his clenched jaw told otherwise. “I just need a minute.”

  He took long strides towards the gym, pushing open the doors with a heavy thrust, letting them bang shut behind him. It was dead silent for a fraction of a second before excited chatter filled the air. Nobody knew what had happened, but it didn't stop them from conspiring over why.

  Ava still hadn't moved, her eyes glued to the door Wes had exited. A part of her wanted to check on him. The other part didn't want to see him until he had cooled down. Much to her relief, he was waiting for her afterwards, although he didn't look happy.

  “Ready for lunch?” He asked with absolute dullness, his normally carefree features still tight and withdrawn.

  Ava nodded, taking his hand, “Are you alright?”

  “Peachy.”

  Sarcastic Wesley was never good.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  “No.”

  They remained silent all the way to the cafeteria. Ava hated it. It wasn't like him to be closed off. He was usually the one encouraging her to open up.

  Maggie waved Ava over to her table. Wesley was taking her the opposite way, towards all his basketball buddies.

  “I'm going to go sit with Maggie and Vi,” she informed him, dropping his hand. She didn't like eating lunch with his teammates, she didn't fit in.

  He dropped her hand without a word or a glance and kept walking to his group. He still brought her to every class that day, remaining distant in a way he had never been before. She wanted a chance to talk to him; unfortunately, she had tutoring after school. She was barely able to concentrate on it, which was a bad thing considering school was hard enough, and this was the only thing that helped her get through it.

  “You, okay? You seem distracted,” Erick inquired during an equation she was taking forever to figure out, too flustered to use the techniques she had learned to stay focused.

  “Sorry,” she sighed, feeling guilty for wasting his time.

  “Is it about the fight Wes got into?” Erick knew they were together. Some days she had to take a quick break and they'd share about themselves.

  “You heard about that?”

  “The whole school has.”

  “Did anyone mention why?”

  “You don't know?”

  She shook her head.

  With a sympathetic smile, he patted her hand, giving it a squeeze and leaving it there, “Still acting strange?”

  That simple caring gesture had Ava holding back tears. All she could do was nod.

  “Talk to him about it. It's probably just nerves for the upcoming season. A lot of pressure is put on them, especially he and Xavier.”

  She hadn't thought of that. Feeling confident that that had to be it, she was able to get some work done.

  Maggie was the one waiting to pick her up. At first she was disappointed, but honestly she could use Maggie's naturally happy attitude right now.

  “Wes said he needed to stay longer at the gym and asked me to come,” she said as though it was an inconvenience.

  The ride home was silent, Maggie brooding on something instead of her normal chatter.

  The Baxters were beginning to be a real drag to be around.

  “Can I spend the night?” Maggie asked when they arrived at Ava's house.

  “Sure!” She excitedly agreed, missing the days when they went back and forth from each other’s houses, even on school nights.

  It wasn't as fun as it used to be; Maggie stayed silent and aloof the whole time. When they were laying in Ava’s bed that night she asked Maggie what was bothering her.

  Maggie opened up the way she wished her brother would, “I raced Xavier earlier. He beat me. He fucking beat me!” She growled, smacking her hands down at her sides. “He spends more time dicking around at the
basketball court with his team and partying, only hitting the tracks a few times a month, while I'm there every day, practicing every chance I can. It's not fair. I can't figure out why he's so much better.”

  Drifting was Maggie's whole world, so Ava understood how wrecked she must feel.

  “Can you go with him and study how he drives?” She offered her best friend, trying to find ways to help.

  “No, he'll rub it in my face even more than he already does,” she whined, reminding Ava of when they were kids and how annoyed Maggie would get with Xavier and his constant winning.

  “Hide cameras in his car?” Ava suggested with a light chuckle.

  “That's brilliant!” Maggie practically yelled.

  Ava had been joking but kept that to herself, happy to see Maggie perk back to normal.

  Chapter 17

  Head Over Feet

  The following Saturday, Violet got in Maggie's car to join her siblings, Xavier, and Ava at the movies. They didn't stop at the movies. Instead, her sister pulled in front of Parker’s apartment.

  “Have fun!” Maggie wickedly grinned.

  Violet didn't understand.

  Maggie laughed at her confused expression, “We're all sick of you two moping around and being cranky with everyone. The movie is over two hours and we're getting dinner after. That buys you close to four hours. I'll text when I'm on my way.”

  Violet’s mouth dropped open. She shouldn't be surprised; Maggie was a master at deceiving their parents. She lunged forward, wrapping her arms around the seat in front of her to try and hug the greatest-sister-ever. She took the stairs up to Parker's apartment two at a time, thinking she might combust with excitement.

  For the past two weeks she’d only seen Parker in passing, and the past four days not at all. Their only form of communication was the occasional text. She was used to spending hours with her best friend almost daily, for the past nine years. She missed him with an ache that consumed her whole body. She reached for the knob, finding it locked for the first time since Parker moved in. She knocked on the door. It took a minute for the door to open, a half-asleep Parker standing in the doorway. He just stared at her as he yawned.

  “You look like shit,” she informed him, as indifferent and uncaring as she could.

  She wasn't lying, he did. His eyes had dark circles, his face a few days of stubble (which he never had), and his clothes were wrinkled and dirty. Not that he ever put any effort into his appearance, but he at least tried to bathe himself regularly.

  Parker's lips quirked to the side and his eyes regained some life to them, “I've missed you.”

  She shoved past him so he couldn't see her smile, “I think some dude on a motorcycle is stalking you.”

  Parker shut the door and joined her on the couch, to her disappointment on the complete opposite end.

  “Yeah, it's Ryder. He's been doing it for some time now.”

  “That's a little creepy.”

  He seemed unfazed by it, “That's just him.”

  “Have you talked?”

  “Nope,” he responded, still seeming as though that's what everyone did. “I figure it's better if I wait for him to approach me first.”

  “Wes notices him too,” Violet let him know, knowing how important Ryder was to Parker. “Our sisters are oblivious of course. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad’s noticed too. I would talk to him about who Ryder is. A lot of times he's around when it's just us girls.”

  “Shit, I didn’t even think of that,” Parker became tense, worried for his friend. “I'll talk to him so he knows about Ryder...Speaking of your dad, do your parents know you're here?”

  “Wes and Mags were tired of me being grumpy,” she explained as though it wasn’t a big deal. “So they're covering for me.”

  All she could see when he talked was his smug smirk, “Are you saying you might have missed me too?”

  She remained defiant, “Not at all.”

  “Liar.”

  It was her turn to smirk.

  His clear blues locked with hers, and once again she felt like he was trying to express what words couldn't before he cleared his throat and looked away.

  “I should take you home. We shouldn't go behind their backs,” he admitted, making no move to follow through with his words.

  She hated what a model citizen he was when it came to her dad. So being only seventeen, she did the first age-appropriate thing she could think of and blackmailed him, “I'll tell him how you stick your tongue down my throat and touch my breast.”

  He held a finger up, “One time! And it was a light brush that I did by accident.”

  That was bullshit and he knew it. He had on the same devilish grin now as he did when it first happened. He had been pawing at the damn thing like he had never touched one before.

  “Don't give me that look,” he replied, reading her thoughts.

  “Don't pretend like it was so innocent,” she accused. “If you care so much about deceiving my parents, why did you keep kissing me?”

  “I kept telling you we should stop,” he responded, as though he was some perfect choir boy who had let her steer him wrong.

  How dare he try and put this on her. “Only when I initiated it, which was only a quarter of the time! You're the one who sought me out most of the time!”

  He let out a long breath, scrubbing his face with both hands, “I know.”

  “Why Parker? What did you get out of it?”

  She knew why she did it, but she could never understand why he kept wanting to.

  “Violet, don't,” he pleaded.

  “Don’t what? Talk about it?!” Her temperature was beginning to rise, finally letting it all out, “You like to pretend we’re just friends, but I don't know too many friends who make out. So again, Parker, what the fuck do you get out of it?”

  “Peace.”

  Violet was taken back by his answer, “What?”

  “Sex gives me control. Cars free my mind. You...you give me peace,” he explained, looking down at his entwined fingers. “The closer I am to you, the more at peace I feel.”

  Violet didn't know what to say. That was way better a reason than hers.

  “I want more,” she blurted out, not regretting that she had.

  “Dammit, Violet,” he appeared pained as he bent over to cradle his head, resting his elbow to his knees. “Don't do that. Don't say things like that.”

  “Why?” She desperately wanted to know.

  He lifted his head just enough to look over at her, “I can't. Please understand that I can't.”

  “You don't think of me that way,” the bitterness in her tone wasn't nearly as tart as the taste the words left in her mouth.

  He dropped his head back into his hands, holding it there. Minute after minute ticked by.

  “I don't want to lose you,” his voice rattled.

  Violet understood. At least she'd never look back and wish she had said something, “I get it, Parker. I truly do. I don't want to lose you either. I think all the kissing just confused me,” or at least she hoped that was all it was, “but now that we aren't doing that anymore it won't be. I mean, you're really not even very good looking.”

  That had Parker straightening back into the couch with a fat grin on his mouth, “You hurt my feelings, Vi. You once told me I was pretty.”

  Violet threw her head back and laughed at the memory.

  It was Halloween a few years back. Wesley, Xavier, and Parker had dressed up as Mean Girls. She had indeed told him he looked pretty. She hadn’t meant it as a compliment.

  And just like that they were back to the way things had always been.

  Violet finally decided on Monday she'd agree to go to the dance with the boy who had asked her. It was time for her to put any silly ideas she may have hoped for away, along with all her childhood dreams that she had outgrown.

  “Birdie!” Peter shouted, coming into the room. He bent over to throw his arms around Violet, plucking her off the couch and shaking her up and
down. “I've missed you, but dude, never bring your dad over again, okay? I almost pissed myself and it totally destroyed my boner for the night.”

  He sat down with Violet on his lap. “This guy’s been a nightmare,” he tilted his head over to Parker. “You'd think his grandma died or something with the way he mopes around here.”

  “Can you blame him?” She teased, “I'm only the greatest thing that ever happened to him.”

  “And you two help keep each other so modest,” Peter teased back.

  The three of them went back and forth, joking around.

  See? Violet could do this. She could move on and just be thankful Parker was in her life.

  She should never have thought it, because the second she did the front door swung open and a handful of people barged in, ready to party. Next thing she knew the apartment had Sublime vibrating the walls and shots of tequila being passed around the room.

  Violet spent the next few hours joking around with Peter, dancing with him a few times a bit too suggestively for the sole purpose of annoying Parker, trying to cut off any emotion she might feel towards the women Parker flirted with and would no doubt enjoy the second she left.

  Ava wasn't sure how movies and dinner would go. To her relief it wasn't much different than Saturday nights in the past when Maggie, Xavier, Wes, and her would just hang out, having fun and acting silly. She didn't realize how much she needed that moment of normalcy, when life seemed easy and carefree, nobody thinking about anything other than the moment. Wes always had a part of himself touching her, giving her feather light kisses on her jaw, temple, shoulder, anywhere that drew him. On the car ride home he stroked the back of her neck with his thumb, watching her the way he sometimes did, as though she was the only thing he saw.

  He dipped his head down, pressing his lips to her ear, speaking low enough for only her to hear, “You stayin' the night?”

  “Yes,” she breathed out, focused on the back of Maggie's head, a flush creeping up her neck from his intimate tone.

  “Think you could come into my room when they’re all passed out? I need some alone time with you.”