When To Let Go

by Sevilla, J. M.

  “Great,” Ava mumbled, pushing away.

  He held on tighter, “Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you don't get into trouble.”

  She sagged back into him, completely trusting that he would.

  He loved that.

  He helped her calm down enough to head to class. He made up some bullshit to her teacher about Coach wanting to talk to her. The teacher seemed suspicious as to what the basketball coach would need Ava for, but he accepted it. Another perk.

  Coach gave them the afternoon off for winning, but they all knew it was because tomorrow night’s game was against the worst team in the county and it was the best time for the team to get some rest.

  He went to Ava's house, to the only spot they ever had any real privacy – the hammock.

  She laid curled over him. He played with her hair, lips and nose resting on top of her hair, letting her scent relax him. They remained silent for a long time, both content.

  Wes broke the silence, having a few things he wanted to talk to her about before he had to leave, “I have something for you.”

  He reached into his pocket, retrieving a phone that he placed on his stomach.

  Ava moved her head enough to peer at it, “Wes–”

  “Wait,” he stopped her by placing a finger across her lips, wanting to explain before she refused to accept it. “After Friday’s game I realized we could have avoided a lot of it if I could have called or texted you. I know you’ll never let your moms or brother get you one, not wanting them to use their money. That was fine before because you only ever went to school, my place, or yours, and anywhere else one of us was with you. This phone is used. It was my mom's old one that she replaced a few months ago. I had my parents put you on our family plan, so it really isn't costing much more; in fact, if you don't want me paying for it, you could afford it yourself.” He removed his finger, “Okay, now you can lay into me.”

  He studied her face as she did the same to the phone, contemplating, the wheels turning with such determination it might as well have been the blues of her irises rotating around.

  She finally let out a breath, fingers hovering over the object, talking before she allowed herself to touch it, “I'll only accept it on one condition.”

  “And what's that?” He asked, amused, twirling his finger around her hair, watching her face that was far too invested in this (considering it was just a phone).

  “You accept that Erick will remain my tutor,” she replied with assurance he wasn't used to.

  His immediate reaction was hell no, but he held it in, looking up to the magnolia trees, hoping they had the power to calm him so he could act more rational and not like the asshole he wanted to be.

  She continued, as though sensing he needed a minute and this was her opportunity to explain, “I'm comfortable with him.” She placed her hand on his chest in reaction to his heart rate picking up its pace, “It’s not in the way you think. He really understands what I'm going through. His older brother is just like me, which is why they paired us together. Yes, I still have frustrations, but I truly feel he helps keep them to a minimum. Please Wesley, I need you to accept him. For me, if nothing else.”

  Dammit, she had him.

  “Fine,” he agreed, pulling her closer around him, burying more of his face in her hair, reminding himself that he loved her and that he’d better get used to other guys being around her, because what job out there were no boys allowed?

  None, unfortunately.

  Chapter 26

  Landslide

  It wasn't long before the school year had ended.

  The basketball team won state, making it to nationals, coming in third.

  A few short weeks later the triplets turned eighteen.

  A couple weeks after that the racetrack held their annual amateur drift races.

  The races had started out for fun. Now it had agents coming, hoping to find their next client, drawing in more people than were allowed entrance. It had grown to the point that they had to have pre-order tickets and hire security for the event. It was what paid the track’s expenses for the year, making it so everything else was money in their pockets.

  Parker watched Ryder turn white as a sheet when Maggie’s race began. She was finally able to take part in it, and they all anxiously watched from the top of the main building, where they were able to view the whole track.

  When it was all over and Maggie had won, all air expelled from Ryder’s lungs.

  Parker was shocked to realize he had been holding his breath the whole time.

  He knew Ryder had a crush on Maggie. He could tell by the way he avoided her like the plague but was always staring at her. He had brought it up once, but his brother got so flustered by it that his words stammered while he tried to deny it. Parker let it go. He didn't think they were a good match anyway. Ryder needed to find someone more like Ava, who preferred to be away from the crowds and enjoyed Friday night movies at home more than going out. Someone who didn't mind that he was anti-social because she was the same way, who wouldn't force the touching until he was ready; something he believed Maggie would move too quickly on, believing she could help.

  Parker was feeling better than ever these days. To his complete surprise he hadn't had sex in over nine months. Nobody but Ryder knew.

  He did find he had started an OCD over things in its absence. Things had to be in order at his side of the garage and in his home, but he was okay with that, it didn't hurt anybody (well except for Peter, who got yelled at every day for not putting the can opener in its correct location).

  Now that Violet was eighteen he was ready to move their relationship forward. He truly felt he could handle a relationship (at least with her). She was the only one he'd ever want by his side. He was going to talk to Noah about it that night. He figured it was his best chance at Noah agreeing. Race day always left all the Baxters happy, and Maggie winning would only lighten their mood.

  Then came the hard part of confessing his true feelings to Violet. He prayed he wasn't too late, that she still wanted more from him. Despite the chance that Noah might not agree or Violet shoot him down, he was optimistic, something he couldn't recall ever being. He was in the moment, not letting the past dictate his life, and it felt damn good. Unfortunately, moments like those were when life decided to send you under, always wanting to test one’s limits and strength.

  Arriving at the tracks was a man Parker never thought he'd have to see again. The man who had made him need to fuck women every chance he had to try and maintain a sense of control over his body from the vile things that were done to him as a boy; things that had made Parker feel helpless and worthless as a person, and as a man. Just like that, a landslide came crashing down on his self-respect, dignity, strength, and everything else he had worked so hard to regain. Instead of being the man he had become, he reverted to that scared little boy who didn't fight back. He wiped his palms on his thighs, his hands shaking.

  Parker thought he might be sick, his eyes refusing to look anywhere but at him. He had his arm around some woman who looked more haggard and trashy than he did. Parker’s eyes remained glued to them as they weaved their way through the crowd to their seats.

  “You okay, man?” Wes slapped him on the back, giving his shoulder a shake, “You don't look so good.”

  Parker tucked his hands under his armpits to hide the way they wouldn't stop trembling.

  “Fine,” he mumbled, low and hoarse. The bile that would tickle his throat every time that man came near him had returned.

  Others came over, talking, but it all sounded distant and muted.

  The only voice that he could distinguish was Noah's, who was right in front of him, but he couldn't make out a thing he was saying.

  Noah's rough hands took hold of Parker’s head, forcing it to look at him, “Son, talk to me.”

  Parker opened his mouth. No sound came out. He felt his body being shoved, forcing his feet to move. It took a moment to register that Noah had started leading hi
m away to his private office. Noah sat Parker down on his oversized chair. Both his moms were there talking to Noah.

  All Parker could hear was that man's voice, and all he could do was replay everything that had been done to him, like a horror film that had your insides begging you to leave the theater because you didn't think you could take anymore, but you remained in your seat until the very end.

  Someone got him to drink some cola, which helped to make things begin to focus.

  There was a soft knock on the door and his sister slid inside the room, silently closing it behind her, “Um, Mr. Baxter, I know what's wrong.”

  “What is it, sweetie?” Stevie came over to comfort a stricken Ava.

  “Um,” her eyes darted from Parker to Noah, and then her two moms. “Can I talk to you in private?”

  Parker didn't know who she was talking to, but after some pleading from his moms who wanted to understand what was happening, they reluctantly left, telling them they would be right outside if they were needed.

  “I saw one of my mother’s old boyfriends in the crowd. Parker wasn't the same during or after he was around. I think he did more than just beat him like the others.”

  He hated that his sister suspected something had happened. She couldn’t have been more than four when he finally left.

  Noah's words were menacing, “Show me.”

  Then Parker was left alone. Someone must have told everyone to stay away. A numbing sensation started in his chest and spread through his veins. Parker welcomed it, inviting it to take over.

  He opened the door, where Stevie and Naomi were waiting with Violet. The worry in all three of their eyes only pissed him off. When Stevie reached out to comfort him, he shoved her hand away. He left the building, not having a clue where he was going.

  Violet ran after him, not saying a word, keeping up with his long strides.

  For the first time since he’d met her he couldn't stand to have her near him. He was angry at her for making him think he wanted something different for himself. If it had been last summer when he saw that man it wouldn't have bothered him like it did now. He had softened, let his guard down.

  If he was thinking clearly he would have known that Violet was his only saving grace, but he wasn't.

  “What the fuck do you want?!” He snapped at her, coming to a halt.

  The hurt in her eyes brought part of him back to life.

  He buried it as far back as he could. Emptiness was easier to deal with. All one had to do was make sure it stayed that way.

  Parker was at the end of the track, not even realizing he had walked that far. Violet was no longer with him.

  He wasn't able to remember anything after he had yelled at her, and he was too far gone to care.

  Lily's assistant, Natalie, was there writing something on a clipboard. She was chewing her bottom lip. He had always found that trait sexy on her.

  He approached her, saying something that had her laughing and glancing up at him. He didn’t know what the fuck he said, or what they spoke about for the next half hour, but somehow it led to them making their way to the garage, hands and mouths exploring everywhere.

  As they got into the backseat of Violet’s car he had a brief moment of clarity, warning him to stop. He ignored it, sinking into her, binding her hands over her head, needing the escape, not caring that with every thrust inside her he became more disgusted with himself.

  He wanted to hate himself, because he was, in fact, worthless.

  Chapter 27

  Over and Over

  Violet slowly walked back to the garage, her mind on Parker. She had never seen him like that before. He had turned cold, not even his eyes showing that anyone was inside. She didn't know what had caused the change. Ava refused to say and nobody pushed her, understanding but wishing she would. Violet's dad had disappeared, causing his wife to worry. Violet knew her dad's past, and from his expression when Ava led him away she knew something bad was going to happen. Instead of comforting her mom she had followed Parker, a stupid mistake.

  She replayed what happened over and over in her head.

  “What the fuck do you want?!” Parker had spit at her as though she was an annoyance that always got in his way.

  “I didn't want you to be alone,” she had explained.

  “Ever think I might want to be alone? Huh?” He snarled, hatred pouring out of him. “If I wanted a pet I would have gotten a fucking dog.”

  He resumed his long strides, Violet staring after him, not recognizing her best friend.

  She had made it back to her group, trying to remain positive in front of Maggie on what was the biggest day of her life. Violet refused to let what happened to Parker take away from her being there for her sister. Sadly, it still did, and an hour later she went to her sanctuary, hoping to find solace in her car.

  It wasn't until she was closer to her baby that she heard the moaning from the backseat. She came to a stop, recognizing the top of Parker’s head and shoulders. His body was rocking back and forth. There was another pair of legs under his, sticking out the other side.

  A girl groaned.

  Violet couldn't move from shock.

  Parker's head tipped back, his eyes tightly closed, an expression of tortured pleasure on his face.

  She must have made a noise because his cold, dead eyes opened. They looked at her, but he wasn't seeing her. The emptiness scared her.

  She hurried around the car as quickly as she could, trying her best to ignore the moaning and rocking of her car. Once inside her house she ran upstairs to her bedroom, planting herself face first in her pillow. She couldn't believe he was having sex with a girl in her car.

  The part that hurt the most was that that was their special place, and now it was ruined. She could never look at the car or him the same way again. He had broken her heart.

  She was glad the rest of her family was busy at the tracks so she could cry freely into her pillow.

  The laughter coming from the couple as they left the garage, making plans to head to her place, gutted Violet. She covered her ears, praying and wishing for it not to hurt like this. She better understood Parker and why he kept guard of his feelings; it was so much easier that way.

  The next few days she avoided the garage, and more importantly, Parker. The image played over and over again in her head. She hated him for it. Her family was confused as to why she wouldn’t touch her car. She claimed to not be in the mood, not wanting to reveal the real reason.

  On the fifth day her dad pulled her aside to speak in private, “Anything happen between you and Parker I should know about?”

  She shook her head no.

  He studied her and she feared he knew she was lying, “You would come to me if something happened, right?”

  “Of course.”

  A little over a month later, Violet had built a wall that was firmly in place. She foolishly believed things could go back to normal, except Parker’s whoring would no longer bother her.

  She hopped up onto her spot on the counter to watch Parker work.

  He was mostly hidden behind Maggie’s car, which had taken a beating from all her practicing and the race. When he talked, his voice was muffled, “You still mad at me?”

  “No, just disappointed. I don't understand why of all places it had to be my car.”

  He let out a loud sigh, “I'm an addict who needed a fix.”

  “Whatever. That's a bullshit reason and you know it,” anger flared inside her at his pathetic excuse. “Were you purposely trying to hurt me? To push me away?”

  It took a few minutes before he answered, still hiding himself, “Yes.”

  “Well, it worked. You should be proud.”

  He cursed, coming up to full height, anguish contorting his features, “Tell me how to make this right.”

  She wished she could.

  “I'm so sorry, Vi,” he pleaded, his voice almost desperate. “You were the last person I cared about that I hadn't done wrong by.”

 
His apology meant nothing to Violet; it didn't take away what had been done, “I'm sick of your apologies. They don't mean anything if you keep having to give them.”

  Thinking she could hang out like they used to was a bad idea.

  She got down, “I think we're two very different people who only have a love of old cars in common. My dad was right when he said we should just stick to talking about that.”

  “You don't seriously mean that do you?”

  Parts of it she did. Instead, she told him words to purposely hurt him like he had her. She wasn't proud of it, but she couldn't stop it from happening, her anger overcoming her senses, “I do. From now on that's the only time we should spend together. Except now I can't stomach the sight of my car, so I guess this is where we don't see much of each other anymore.”

  Parker wiped his hands on his thighs and she took the opportunity to leave. He called out to her but she kept walking, straight to the tracks where she knew he wouldn't want to draw attention.

  For the rest of the day she helped her mom in her office, remaining friendly towards Natalie – none of this was her fault. It could have been any girl he was fucking in the backseat. Violet mostly felt bad for her, noticing how she slyly tried to get information about Parker from her. Obviously she was one of the idiots who thought somehow her vagina would be the one to change him.

  It's just a fucking hole, it's not like the thing sprouts gold, she thought bitterly.

  To avoid seeing Parker, for the next couple of weeks she continued to help out her mom, occasionally going for laps with Maggie when the track had nothing scheduled, helping to point out anything she noticed that Maggie might not have in her driving.

  One night as Violet emptied the trash she told herself not to look at her car, but on the way back she failed, missing the sight of her baby. What she saw had her skidding to a stop.

  The car had new upholstery.

  She moved closer for inspection.

  It was her dream: cream-white leather, the kind that cost a fortune. It was what she had once said was her dream for this car even though she knew she could likely never afford it. She hesitated before touching it, afraid it wasn't real.