Folly and Forgiveness

by Lizzy Brandon

  Elizabeth decided she had avoided this conversation long enough and was unlikely to find a better opportunity.

  “Tell me about my mother, please.”

  “I wondered if you would ask. I expected the request when you stayed with us before Mary’s wedding. Your aunt told me of your conversation at that time.”

  “I was not ready to ask then. I do not know that I am ready now, but I would like to know what she was like when she was younger.”

  “In truth, I must say that you remind me greatly of her when she was your age.”

  Elizabeth could hardly believe such to be true and said so. She had always assumed that Lydia reflected her mother.

  “No, your mother was a different person when she was younger. She knew exactly what she wanted and was determined to get it. I see her confidence and practicality in you. Much as you may think you get your wit from your father, your mother had an equal share. Though she had a limited education and was not well informed, she was clever as well.”

  “I am afraid the person you describe is a stranger to me.”

  “I am not surprised. She changed much after having children, or rather when she stopped having children.” Mr. Gardiner sat back and looked out at the boys chasing each other and squealing.

  “As the eldest, your mother was always responsible for keeping an eye on your Aunt Phillips and me. I know responsible is not the first word that would come to mind when thinking of her, but she was so when she was younger.” Mr. Gardiner smiled at the memory, much as her father had when speaking of her mother as a young woman.

  “While Elinor was content to moon after Mr. Phillips, Fanny was determined to marry a gentleman and become a respectable lady. She found a handsome and witty gentleman in your father, and I believe she set her sights on him the first time they met.”

  “She told me she was fond of Papa, but did not love him.”

  “Fanny was a practical girl back then and likely did not consider love, given her goal. I can tell you she was more than just fond of your father. She had stars in her eyes when she would speak of him to Elinor and our mother. Her only fear was that your father would not offer for one beneath his station.” Mr. Gardiner turned to Elizabeth and appeared to assess her reaction before continuing.

  “For all her protests to the contrary, your mother understood exactly what the entail on Longbourn meant. She saw it to her advantage back then, as your grandfather had no means of preventing your father from inheriting, and thus, little influence over whom he could marry. Once your father offered for her, she knew her children would be well settled. She had only to produce a son and everything would be perfect.”

  “But she did not.”

  “No, she did not. She was thrilled when Jane was born and doted on her excessively. She was somewhat less welcoming when you arrived, and became anxious as her confidence began to fade. By Mary’s birth she began to worry excessively and became ever more determined she would produce an heir. I overheard your Aunt Phillips once say your mother began to seek out folk remedies for conceiving a son and would listen to any piece of advice, no matter how preposterous. After Kitty, she was advised not to have another child, but would not listen. She feared she would doom her daughters if she could not bear a son.” Mr. Gardiner watched the children play and seemed to be considering his next words.

  “Lydia was her last hope, though your mother did not know so at the time. Her confinement was a difficult one and both nearly died in childbirth. After Lydia, the midwife told your mother that she was unlikely to survive another birth. Your father stood firm and refused to risk her life any further, no matter how much she pleaded. From that point on she was desperate to see to your futures, lest you sink back to the level from whence she had risen.”

  “I do not understand. She was not ashamed of her relations.”

  “No, she was never ashamed of social levels. Her fear was based on funds. Our father was not prosperous when she was a child and she feared poverty. Part of her obsession with marrying a gentleman was to ensure a more secure future not only for her children, but for the rest of her family as well.”

  Elizabeth thought back to her final conversation with her mother. She had thought her mother was being overdramatic and had not taken her words seriously. Elizabeth had not realized the level of her mother’s fear. Others had told her of the terror that ruled her mother’s life, but Elizabeth had never seen it while her mother lived. She had always assumed her mother to be melodramatic and the attacks on her nerves to be largely imaginary. She could add her mother to the list of people she had misjudged.

  “Do not mistake me,” her uncle continued, turning to face her, “Your mother truly cared for your father. She had her goal and wanted security, but was not one who would have discarded her honor to catch him. Do not think she was mercenary.”

  “She told me that fear can change a person.”

  “Aye, it can if you let it. From the time Lydia was born, she lived in dread that she had condemned you to the life she had tried so hard to escape. Your father could not convince her otherwise and eventually stopped trying. As she could no longer save you by stopping the entail, she could only do her best to see you all well married and secure before your father died.”

  “Thus, her obsession with seeing us married?”

  “All mothers share that obsession, but hers became one of desperation and panic.”

  “If she had such concerns for our future, why could she not have economized to save more for us?”

  “I asked her the same question many times, attempting to force her to address her fears more constructively. She thought if she economized more, you would not appear to best advantage and would have no hope of marrying well. She saw her profligate spending as an investment in your futures.”

  “I thought her a silly woman who imagined herself put out over the smallest of problems.”

  “She was that as well,” he replied with a fond smile. “She had always been excitable, but once she gave free rein to her terrors, she became ridiculous. Your father tried to calm her, but had little success and gave up. Had your Aunt Phillips been a more level-headed woman, or had I married your aunt earlier, one of them may have been able to help your mother more.”

  “I paid no heed to her concerns.”

  “You paid heed to them, but you could not let them rule your life the way she did. Given your mother’s behavior, you could not have taken her seriously without risking the same foolishness that ruled her life. You could not understand her feelings because she was not capable of expressing her concerns in a sensible way.”

  “If I had listened more –”

  “Had you listened more, she would have driven you to her level of irrationality as well,” her uncle gently interrupted. “Fear is an odd monster. Once you have children, fear gains powers over you that you would have previously considered impossible. Some day you will have your own children and understand better. I expect you will find a more productive manner of handling your own fears than your mother did.”

  “If I do not, I hope you will counsel my children as well as you have me.”

  “Never doubt that I would, Lizzy, but I do not believe you would settle for a man who would allow you to turn into your mother.”

  “No,” she smiled, “I suppose I would not.”

  Yet another item she must add to her list of requirements for a husband. She now needed to find a man she could respect and love, who loved and respected her in return, who could laugh with her, preferably knew how to juggle, and would prevent her from becoming ridiculous.

  Elizabeth laughed to herself. Caroline Bingley’s description of an accomplished lady was beginning to sound reasonable in comparison.

  ~ ~ ~

  Darcy stared at the clock. Only two minutes since the last he had checked, though it seemed hours. He moved so that the clock was no longer in his line of sight.

  This was precisely why he never sat near clocks at Rosings, but he had never expected to fi
nd the same problem at Pemberley. Perhaps he should remove himself to a room without a clock.

  Without thinking, Darcy opened his pocket watch and checked the time again.

  His family would send him to Bedlam if he did not stop this behavior.

  Georgiana had been looking at him oddly all morning. He could not fault her curiosity. Darcy could not remember the last time he had been unable to disguise his impatience in such a manner. At this rate, he would forget all of his upbringing and begin to visibly fidget before they arrived.

  When Darcy had received Bingley’s letter, he feared he had again misinterpreted his friend’s writing. The thought of Elizabeth coming to Pemberley had been beyond anything he could have hoped for. Darcy had resigned himself to her loss. She had forced him to accept some unpalatable truths about himself, but accept them he had.

  While Darcy looked askance at those who saw the hand of God in every happenstance, he would admit he took Bingley’s message as a sign. Mayhap all was not lost. If Elizabeth was to come to Pemberley, he could at least show her that he had heeded her criticism and attended to his flaws. Darcy did not assume this would be enough, given Elizabeth’s rejection, but it was a chance.

  And now he stood at the window at Pemberley, waiting for her arrival. He knew her party was not expected for hours, yet he could not help himself. He wished to see her the moment she arrived and see her reaction to Pemberley. How he would manage the time until then, he knew not.

  He was interrupted in his thoughts by his housekeeper, Mrs. Reynolds.

  “Excuse me, Mr. Darcy, but we just received word that Mr. Coombs has been taken grievously ill. He collapsed while giving instructions to the new grooms. A messenger has already been sent for a physician.”

  Mr. Coombs had only recently been promoted to under-steward, and like most Pemberley staff, came from family that had worked for the estate for generations.

  “Is he conscious now?”

  “He is, Sir, but Mr. Howard has insisted he stay abed until the physician arrives.”

  “As well he should.” Howard, Pemberley’s steward, would ensure Coombs was well taken care of, but Darcy felt he should also personally check on the man. He looked out the window, torn in his desires.

  He well knew that Elizabeth would not arrive for hours, so he should check on the welfare of his employee. As Coombs was young and healthy, Darcy wondered if the responsibility of his new position was perhaps more than the man could handle. If so, then Darcy bore part of the responsibility for his current state.

  He had a responsibility to see to his people. More than that, a serious illness or injury required his attention. Illness could spread quickly, injuries could be the result of unsafe conditions that must be rectified. He may be able to do no more than set the man’s mind at ease that he would be well cared for, but Darcy needed to evaluate the situation to determine for himself what needed to be done.

  “I shall return once I have checked on Mr. Coombs and Mr. Howard. Please let my sister know that I will be back in time for our guests this afternoon.”

  Darcy left the house, hoping he was correct and that he would be able to return in time.

  CHAPTER 30

  Elizabeth watched the countryside as the carriage drove them ever closer to Pemberley. Her aunt had been correct, truly the grounds were delightful. As they crested a hill, Elizabeth was treated to her first view of the house.

  Never had she seen a place for which nature had done more, or where natural beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste. It was a large, handsome, stone building, standing well on rising ground, and backed by a ridge of high woody hills. In front, a stream of some natural importance was swelled into greater, but without any artificial appearance. Elizabeth was delighted. At that moment, she felt that to be mistress of Pemberley might be something.

  “Did I not tell you Pemberley was magnificent?” her aunt remarked as Elizabeth gaped.

  “And you were not wrong, nor did Mr. Bingley’s praises do it justice.”

  They continued to the house where their carriage was greeted by Mr. Bingley.

  “Miss Bennet! How wonderful to see you safely arrived.” Jane blushed shyly as he took her hand. “And Miss Elizabeth,” he continued, noticing the rest of the party, “Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, a pleasure to see you as well.”

  Elizabeth was pleased to see her sister so happy and Mr. Bingley so eager to see her again. They had been separated little more than a fortnight, but Mr. Bingley behaved as if he had not seen Jane in months.

  “My sisters are indoors and Darcy is unavailable at present, so I fear you are left with me. May I take you on a tour? Would you care to see the house or the grounds first?”

  “Why do we not view the grounds first,” Mr. Gardiner suggested. “That dark sky in the distance looks likely to bring rain and keep us indoors later today, but I daresay we have time enough to walk around now.”

  “An excellent suggestion. Come with me and we shall take a tour of the gardens.” Mr. Bingley offered Jane his arm and led their party.

  Elizabeth was relieved. While she had thought Mr. Darcy likely to avoid her, she had still been reluctant to come to Pemberley and risk encountering him. If he was away, then she could enjoy their tour and rest easy in the knowledge she would not be imposing upon him.

  As they followed a path along the stream, Mr. Gardiner pointed out all the spots best suited for fishing.

  “See, that rock right there would be an excellent place from which to cast a line. I have no doubt I could catch many fine fish in such a stream.”

  “No doubt, Uncle. And your placement would be perfect. You can see others attempt to catch fish there all the time.” Elizabeth gestured to a cat lying on the edge of the rock, swiping a quick paw into the water. As they watched, a fish jumped from the water, splashing and startling the cat and causing it to jump off of the rock, vigorously shaking the water from its fur.

  Elizabeth laughed heartily at the bizarre sight, joined by her uncle, and they soon drew the attention of the rest of the party.

  “What frivolity have you found and not shared with the rest of us?” Mr. Bingley asked as he and Jane turned to walk back to Elizabeth. He was distracted from his query and gazed past them, waving as he called out, “Good to finally see you, Darcy. I was afraid you would leave me to play host the whole day and I would turn out to be a poor tour guide in your stead.”

  Elizabeth froze and felt her face burning. He would come upon her, behaving nearly wild once more. Her hopes of avoiding him entirely were dashed, but perhaps he was only passing by.

  Steeling herself, Elizabeth turned to face Mr. Darcy, fixing a pleasant smile upon her face and hoping to disguise her embarrassment.

  Mr. Darcy walked toward the group, eyes fixed upon Elizabeth. She felt her face coloring, but continued to hold her head up. She had no need to be embarrassed for being there, he had invited the group after all. She assumed he had only done so for Mr. Bingley, but nonetheless she was an invited guest, not an interloper.

  “My apologies, Bingley. The matter took longer than I had anticipated. I do appreciate you seeing to our guests in my absence. As many times as you have visited Pemberley, I suspect you would be more than capable of showing guests about. Mayhap I will give Mrs. Reynolds a holiday and allow you to do the honors should any visitors request to view the estate.”

  Bingley laughed loudly, but Elizabeth was more reserved. She had not expected teasing from Mr. Darcy.

  “And was your matter seen to satisfactorily?”

  “It was. The physician has seen him and the man is resting comfortably now that he knows it is nothing too serious.” Mr. Darcy turned to the rest of the group. “I am sorry I was not here to greet you. My under-steward was suddenly taken ill and I wished to check on his condition. I had expected to return long ere this.”

  “I am glad he will be well,” Elizabeth replied politely. She did not expect he often saw to the underservants of the estate and had likely seen the o
pportunity as a creditable method of avoiding his company. If so, he likely would not spend more time with them than he felt absolutely necessary.

  “I thank you. May I have the pleasure of being introduced to your friends?”

  Elizabeth paused. He knew who they were, so she was surprised at his civility. As he had invited them all, he probably felt duty bound to seek the introduction. She introduced her aunt and uncle, watching him closely as she did so. His expression remained open, far more so than she was accustomed to seeing. Mr. Darcy began to converse with the Gardiners and Elizabeth was pleased that he could meet some relatives of hers abounding in intelligence and good sense.

  When the conversation turned to fishing, Mr. Darcy invited Mr. Gardiner to fish there as often as he chose while he was in the neighborhood, offering to supply him with fishing tackle. The group continued walking along the path and Mr. Darcy pointed out those parts of the stream where sport was likely to be found.

  Elizabeth was surprised by Mr. Darcy’s behavior, as was her aunt who had only heard Elizabeth’s tales of a proud disagreeable man. Mrs. Gardiner asked Elizabeth questions through pointed looks as they walked, but Elizabeth was unable to do more than indicate her own bafflement.

  At length Mr. Gardiner stopped to point out some flowers to his wife and she took his arm to continue walking. Being left to themselves, Elizabeth had no choice but to walk with Mr. Darcy.

  “I am sorry I was not present for your arrival and I hope you will forgive my tardiness. Nothing but the deepest concern for my under-steward could have kept me from receiving you and your party properly.”

  “You said he is mending now?”

  “He is. Based on his initial symptoms I feared apoplexy or worse. Though he is a young man, I worried his life may be in danger. I determined I must stay until the physician arrived and gave his prognosis.”

  “You are an attentive master,” she replied, still not certain she believed he had truly taken the trouble over an under-steward.