by Ryan Field
As Jim’s head bobbed up and down, Len moaned in soft whispers for him to continue. At one point he touched the sides of Jim’s face and said, “Yes, don’t stop.”
Submissive instinct kicked in: Jim wanted to please him. He continued sucking until he felt the head of Len’s dick swell inside his mouth. He would have sucked harder and faster if Len hadn’t grabbed his head and said, “I don’t want to come this way. And if you don’t stop I’m not going to be able to control myself.”
After that, Len went up on his knees and he guided Jim’s head toward the pillows. When Len set his head on the soft pillows, he kissed Jim on the mouth again. He climbed on top of Jim and they remained this way even longer than the first time they’d kissed. The only difference this time was that Len’s right hand went down between Jim’s legs and he played with Jim’s ass the entire time. Each time Len’s fingertips touched Jim’s anus, a thrill went up his spine and his back arched.
While Len’s fingers explored, Jim opened his legs and remained lost in the kissing. This one act alone...kissing and holding a man that was all his own…had been one of the fantasies Jim had always imagined: kissing a big strong man without worrying, submitting to him completely without caring what anyone thought, did, or said. No one was judging him now; he could do everything to this man he’d always wanted to do. It was even better than he’d imagined. If Len had decided all he wanted to do that night was make out and kiss in bed, Jim would have been satisfied. He’d heard and read stories about how first times were dismal at best and traumatic at worst. This was anything but dismal or traumatic. It was tender and gentle and it left Jim wanting and needing more. By the time Len had two fingers inside Jim’s body, Jim’s hand was on the back of Len’s head and he was moaning inside Len’s mouth.
At one point, Len inserted a third finger and Jim’s head went back. Len asked, “Are you okay? Is that too much?”
Jim had trouble speaking. It felt so good he couldn’t form a clear, cohesive sentence. “It’s fine. Don’t stop,” he said, in a wrecked voice. Then he grabbed Len’s biceps and shoved his tongue back into Len’s mouth.
As Len’s three fingers moved in and out of Jim’s body, Jim couldn’t get enough. He surprised himself at one point when he lifted his legs all the way up, pointed his toes, and said, “Put on a condom.”
Len’s hand stopped moving. He kissed him and lifted his head. With his fingers still buried in Jim’s body he asked, “Are sure? I was going to take it slowly tonight and not force you into anything. I figured we’d make out and keep it simple.”
Jim nodded. He caressed Len’s face with a light touch and said, “I’m fine. Put on a condom.”
While Len climbed off the bed to get a condom from his pants pocket, Jim sat up, turned around, and got down on all fours. He started to feel even more secure now. The emotional connection he’d made with Len made all the difference. He faced the window and arched his back. By the time Len had covered his dick and returned, Jim’s legs were spread and his bottom was up high. This was the position he’d always imagined himself in while he’d jacked off to photos of nude men or sex videos online. And this was the position he wanted to be in when he took a man for the first time.
Len climbed onto the bed and grabbed Jim’s hip with his left hand. He took his dick in his right and pointed it toward Jim’s body. “The condom is pre-lubed. Is that okay?”
Jim flung him a backward glance and nodded. “Yes, it’s okay.” Then he spread his legs a little wider and relaxed every muscle the way he always had when he’d fucked himself with a dildo.
When Len mounted him, his head went back and his lips parted. He clenched the bedcover and moaned out loud. The initial penetration hurt so much Jim thought he’d gone deaf and blind. The pain shot from the lips of his anus, through his abdomen, right up to his back teeth. And as Len slid in deeper, the torture only intensified. At one point he took a quick breath and shouted, “Ah fuck.”
“Should I pull out?” Len stopped moving and rubbed Jim’s back.
There were tears in Jim’s eyes; it hurt so bad he wanted to punch something. Len was larger than he’d imagined he’d be and they should have used extra lube. “No,” he said. “I’m fine.” He knew the pain would pass. He’d experienced it before when he hadn’t used enough lube with one of his dildos.
By the time Len was in as far as he could go, Jim’s toes curled and he bit the cover. The pain took longer to subside than he’d thought it would. But when Len started bucking his hips, something interesting happened. The rubbing created friction at the lips of Jim’s anus and the pain diminished. As it dissipated, a sense of fullness and warmth came over him and Jim took his first sigh of relief since Len had entered him.
Len gave him one deep thrust and asked, “Are you okay now? I can stop if you want.”
Jim nodded and said, “I’m fine. You were just a little bigger than I thought you were. I underestimated you.” Then he wiggled his hips and backed up a little. He’d also overestimated what he could handle, but he wasn’t willing to admit that aloud.
After that, Len moved faster and slid in and out of Jim with more force. There was no pain now; just fullness and a sense of absolute satisfaction. One of the things Jim discovered that night was that with a real man it was faster and the most sensitive spot deep in his body became aroused quicker than when he was alone with his toys. He reached the edge with more intensity than he would have if he had been alone in his bedroom with nothing but his fantasies of men. He had to concentrate hard to control his climax, waiting for Len to catch up so they could climax at the same time. He’d once read this wasn’t important. No one was responsible for someone else’s orgasm. But Jim didn’t agree, at least not totally. He did believe he had a certain amount of responsibility to his lover, and he had a feeling Len felt the same way.
At one point, between heavy breaths, Len said, “I’m close. Tell me when you’re close.”
Jim reached back and held Len’s right leg, as if trying to pull him in deeper. This wasn’t possible. Len was already in as deeply as he could go. “I’m close now. Don’t stop.” Then he released Len’s thigh and reached between his legs so he could hold his erection.
That’s when Len began to slam into him with loud cracks. He pushed Jim forward so far his stomach was only inches away from the mattress. They came together that night without saying a single word. Jim only had to hold his penis and rub a few times. Len went in as deep as he could and his body began to shudder. For an instant, there was a loud screeching sound inside Jim’s head. Though Jim didn’t see fireworks or anything as dramatic as he’d heard or read about, he did experience an intense sound followed by absolute silence. Len fell on top of him and pinned him face down on the bed. He remained inside, squeezing his buttocks, resting his weight on Jim’s back.
For a moment, Len set his cheek on Jim’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Jim listened while Len tried to slow his breathing; he felt drops of perspiration on his neck. Jim remained there in silence, waiting for Len to make the next move. When he least expected it, Len kissed the back of his neck and said, “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever known. The chase of a lifetime just ended tonight.”
Though Jim wasn’t exactly sure what Len meant by this, he reached forward for Len’s hand and squeezed it. “We should get dressed now. It has to be very late.”
“I hate to let you go,” Len said. “Can’t we just stay here all night?”
The thought of slithering down to the main lobby the next morning in the same clothes he’d worn the day before caused a strange sensation in Jim’s stomach. And when he thought about walking into this mother and father’s house the next morning in those clothes, he almost started choking. Though he wanted to remain like this with Len all night, he couldn’t stop thinking about people they knew, and what those people would do if they knew Jim and Len had just made love in a hotel room. So he kissed Len’s fingers and said, “We have to get dressed. I’d like to get home when it’s sti
ll dark outside and sneak up to my room.”
Chapter Seven
* * *
For a few days, Jim didn’t hear from Len. He remained in his bedroom for most of that time either reading or listening to music. He didn’t eat with his mother and father. He pilfered food from the refrigerator late at night and brought it back to his room, where he would sit in the dark, naked on his bed, watching late night television talk shows with comedians that didn’t make him crack a smile. He’d stare at the flat screen on the wall above his childhood dresser, eating a leftover egg roll or a sandwich, thinking about what had happened with Len Mayfield in the hotel room. Before he went to sleep, he’d pull out his dildo and think about Len one last time.
When he did venture out of the house, he took long drives in his new car, with the top down and the wind blowing through his hair. He drove faster than he should have; he didn’t wear a seatbelt. In the late afternoons, right before he knew his father was returning from work, he would go down to the stable and saddle up his favorite horse. The old guy who managed the stables would be gone for the day and Jim wouldn’t have to smile or fake conversation with anyone.
On the third day, Jim’s cell phone rang at nine o’clock at night. He’d been watching a stupid reality show on TV where they treated gay guys like pet poodles, wondering if he should get a new dildo…one he could fasten to the wall with a suction cup. He didn’t think he’d hear from Len Mayfield again. So when the phone rang he didn’t jump for it. He let it ring a few times, reached over to his nightstand and yawned at the same time, and answered without even checking to see who it was first.
“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. We had a problem with Cain and we had to sort things out,” Len said.
Jim pressed his palm to his chest and gulped. He hadn’t expected to hear Len’s voice that night. “Ah well. Was it serious?” He tried to keep his voice down but couldn’t help smiling.
Len hesitated for a moment. “I’d rather not talk about it right now. I feel like shit because I haven’t called you. I can’t even imagine what you must have thought. I’m sorry.”
Jim looked up at the ceiling and rolled his eyes. He’d thought all the worst things; he’d even cursed Len a few times. “I didn’t think anything. I’m not upset. I had a feeling you’d call eventually. The reason I didn’t call you is because I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
“Wrong idea?”
“I didn’t want you to think I was needy, or emotionally unstable,” Jim said. “I’ve seen that sort of thing before with situations like this. And I want you to know I’m not like that. I’m perfectly stable.” He glanced down at his body and frowned. He didn’t look perfectly stable. He was wearing an old sweat suit with stains that smelled like a locker room hamper. He hadn’t showered in two days; he hadn’t bothered to brush his hair in three. All he could think about was getting back into Len’s pants.
“What kind of situation is this?”
“Ah well,” Jim said. “You know what I mean. What happened the other night and all.”
There was a breathy noise, as if Len had just exhaled. “This isn’t a situation. I’m not exactly sure what it is yet. But it’s not a situation. I should have called sooner but I got caught up in a family thing. When can I see you again? We can talk more then.”
Jim swallowed and hesitated. “Well, whenever is convenient for you I guess.”
“Tonight?”
He was surprised to hear the eagerness in Len’s voice. “I guess I could meet you tonight,” Jim said. “Where?” He didn’t want to sound too eager and sex starved.
“Meet me in about a half hour in the parking lot behind the Crestview Bowling Alley,” Len said.
“Can we make it an hour,” Jim said. He wanted to shower and prepare in case they made love again. But he didn’t want to be obvious about it. “I have to do something first.”
“See you in an hour,” Len said.
Before he turned off the phone, Jim was out of his bed and running into his bathroom. He jumped into the shower, did a quick manscape, and lathered up with a brand new body wash. He blew out his short hair and shaved his face in record time. When he put on his jeans his legs were still damp. He decided on a white button down shirt that night because it would be easier to remove. He wore no underwear or socks; just a new pair of pale blue basketball shoes he’d paid way too much money for in a small shop in Princeton the week before he’d graduated from college.
He left the house through the back door, avoiding his mother and father in the family room. They were watching a documentary on TV that night about the Amish and he didn’t want to answer any questions. He’d had years to practice this kind of silence. As a closeted gay man he knew how to avoid all compromising situations where he might be forced to answer questions. He wrote them a note that read: “Went out to meet a friend. See you in the morning. Love, Jim.” He added the “love, Jim” part on purpose so they wouldn’t ask him any questions the next day. This, he knew, would pacify them.
When he arrived at the bowling alley, he saw Len’s huge white pickup truck parked in the back against a wooded lot. There were no street lights, and only a few empty cars and trucks around Len’s truck. Jim parked a few spaces away and climbed out of his car. As he loped toward Len’s truck with his hands in his pockets, he glanced up and saw that Len was wearing a cowboy hat. When he opened the passenger door and climbed into the front seat he saw that Len was wearing cowboy boots, too. His face grew warmer and his pants tighter.
He must have glanced down at Len’s tight jeans and boots a moment too long. Len adjusted his long legs and said, “I went for a ride tonight. I needed to de-stress. It’s been a long couple of days and riding and being with the horses helps me clear my mind. I didn’t have time to change or shower. I just wanted to see you again. I know it’s only been a few days, but I missed you.”
Jim shut the door and the overhead light went out. He laced his fingers together, set them on his lap, and said, “That’s okay. No problem. You look nice in a hat. I like it.” Though Jim didn’t have any strong kinks or fetishes, men in cowboy hats and boots made him stop and stare more than once. He’d grown up in Texas longing for these men. He was glad Len hadn’t changed. It was all he could do to keep from climbing over the center console in the truck to sit on Len’s lap.
As Jim started to speak, Len reached into his pocket and handed him something. “Here,” he said. “I picked this up for you in Austin.”
His head went sideways. He glanced down at a small silver bracelet with a blue stone in Len’s hand. He hadn’t expected a gift. “That’s so nice.” He glanced up and looked into Len’s eyes. “Thank you. No one ever did anything like that before.”
Len took his hand and put the bracelet on his wrist. After he fastened it, he said, “It’s just something small I thought you’d like. I saw it in a hotel shop while my wife was getting ready and decided to get it.”
Jim glanced down at his wrist and smiled. It made him feel safe to know Len had been thinking about him. “I love it.” He moved forward and kissed Len on the cheek. “I really do.”
Len reached over and took Jim’s hand. “I’m sorry about not calling. The last few days have been a nightmare.”
Though Jim’s face expressed concern, he was growing harder by the second holding Len’s hand. “Is everything okay now?” He didn’t want to pry. But he was curious about Cain. Though Cain had always been a good student, there had been a rough side to him that no one seemed to understand. He tended to get into fights, and he drove so fast and received so many speeding tickets his senior year in high school he’d lost his license for three months.
“I think so,” Len said. He squeezed Jim’s hand harder and sighed. “Long story short: he got into a fight in a bar in Austin where his girlfriend is from, got arrested, and we had to get him out. He refused to come home with us. My wife was even thinking of calling you and asking you to talk to him. She thought maybe hearing from an old frien
d would make him want to come home again. But I talked her out of it. I don’t want you involved in something like this. It’s time Cain started to grow up. He’s a man now, not a child.”
Jim shrugged. “If you need me to call him I will. I don’t mind.” He leaned closer to Len and rested his head on Len’s shoulder. He’d been apprehensive about making any moves. Men, to Jim, had always been off limits in this respect. He’d watched the way women casually leaned into their boyfriends or husbands all his life and had always wondered about what it would be like to own that kind of freedom. Sometimes he would fill with envy and despair at the simple act of a woman holding a man’s hand. This was a luxury he’d never been allowed, and a form of expression he’d never been able to explore. When he realized he was with a man with whom he could do these things, he decided not to hesitate.
“No,” said Len. “I’d rather you not get involved with Cain. I have this feeling he’s going through something right now. He’s always been a little strong-willed. But he wouldn’t tell us anything. He just said he was dealing with a few problems. I have a feeling it has a lot to do with this girl he has in Austin. He met her at Stanford.”
While Len had been speaking, Jim had been unbuttoning his white shirt. He moved a little closer to Len and rested his palm flat against Len’s hard stomach. He rubbed him with gentle strokes, enjoying the sheer simplicity of being able to touch a man this way. Len was wearing a green and white plaid western shirt with small silver buttons down the front. Jim slid his fingers inside and caressed Len’s bare chest. “If you need anything, let me know. Cain and I have known each other for a long time. We haven’t been close since high school. But maybe I can do something.”