by Rachel Lee
“Oh, Lacy, you were never crazy. Except possibly tonight. I never guessed from the news reports just how involved they’d gotten you. Maybe someone thought handling all that cash could be used to keep you in line. They underestimated your courage.”
“Or overestimated my stupidity.”
“Nothing about you is stupid.”
She shook her head, glad of his embrace because right then she felt as if she could shatter into a million pieces. “I was stupid enough. The firm had lots of big clients, both corporate and private. People who moved millions around the globe all the time. As a CPA firm, we didn’t handle much of the banking or investment part of it, but we kept the books on it. Made sure everything balanced, that all the moving money didn’t disappear along the way. I thought we were a backup of sorts to the investment bankers. The ones who could prove every transaction was on the up-and-up. Little did I know.”
“Then what happened?”
“I thought I told you. I got moved to a special group of accounts to handle all on my own. I watched the money transactions. I even ordered some of them when a client called. I made sure everything stayed in balance and that no tax laws were broken.”
“Until the questions started arising.”
“Yeah.” She let go of her tension with a loud exhalation. “I can’t explain all the details to you. Accounting at that level gets very complicated. I thought at the very most my bosses were tax advisers. The kind of people who know the tax codes of multiple countries, not just this one. That every time we moved money, it was legal and designed to be a tax advantage to the client. It was a long climb from where I’d started as a tax auditor for local governments. I’d reached the heights.”
She turned her face into his shoulder and was astonished when he stroked her hair.
“Moving among the billionaires,” he murmured.
“Not for long.”
“You aren’t responsible for what those cartels did.”
“I know. Deep inside, I know. But that I helped them at all still sickens me. And the more I learned about them, the more afraid I became. They may have rolled up the operation that was involved with my company, but that doesn’t mean others aren’t out there who’d like to see me dead anyway. Unlikely, I agree. I’ve done all the damage I’ll ever do to them.”
“You know, don’t you, that if the Feds thought you might still be at risk, they’d put you in witness protection for the rest of your life?”
“That’s what they said.”
He was trying to reassure her and she appreciated it. But coming on the heels of all that had happened this evening, she couldn’t quite let go of her fears...for both of them.
She burrowed into his shoulder, feeling almost guilty for stealing comfort from him. Not only had he been through some bad experiences of his own tonight, but she felt as if she were taking something from Sara, a completely crazy thought. Maybe she was losing it. Sara had been gone for five years and there wasn’t a thing anyone could take from her now, not Jess’s love, not the life they had managed to share, however brief. Those things were cemented in time and unchangeable.
But she felt guilty anyway, almost as guilty as she would have felt had Sara still been with them. She wasn’t entitled to anything that should have belonged to her best friend.
Nor did she want to try to step into Sara’s shoes, amazing shoes to fill. She’d never measure up, and Jess would always be comparing them. So don’t be stupid again, she warned herself. Not again.
Inevitably, she would be bound to Sara in Jess’s mind, no matter what. Sara was how they had met. Sara had brought them together and made them friends. He could never see her apart from his late wife, nor could she, or should she, hope for that. Like vines, they were tangled forever.
Hopeless. But she couldn’t bring herself to move out of his arms. Couldn’t make herself cut these moments off. She’d been brutally honest about herself, and it hadn’t been easy. Not until that cash landed on her desk had she finally faced up to her own responsibility for whatever was going on. Until then, she’d tried so hard to play mental games, to hang on to the brighter future she had been promised, even as questions had mounted in the back of her mind.
She was no caped avenger seeking justice. No, she’d become terrified of what she suspected until she couldn’t bear it anymore. Until she feared she might be being set up to take a fall. Until she felt the blood on her own hands.
No heroism in that. None. Sometimes she despised herself. And more than once, she wondered what Sara would have thought of her.
Then tonight she had done something utterly stupid, throwing herself on what she believed to have been a bomb. An act of courage or an act of self-loathing? She didn’t know. The decision had been made before her mind processed any thoughts about it. Instinct had ruled her, and she had no idea what it had been rooted in. Her own unworthiness? A desire to save Sara’s husband? Genuine concern for Jess or simply an indifference to what became of her?
“You’re tensing up,” he remarked, disturbing her unhappy train of thought. He began rubbing her back with one hand. “Is it all getting to you again?”
“Yeah.” Although, to be truthful, more than tonight was getting to her. The last few years of her life were gouging at her with questions she’d probably never be able to answer adequately. No way could she go back in time to the moment of decision that had taken her to the US Attorney.
She could remember the shock of all that money, could remember how odd she felt about counting it, then sending it off with a courier. But she couldn’t remember exactly what thought had occurred as that courier had walked from her office, couldn’t remember why she had started backing up the books at that moment, not on the external drive that sat on her desk, but to her secure company email account. That was routine enough that no one had thought to question her, and having it sit there, unsent, rang no alarms. Clients often wanted to see their data and from time to time it was sent by encrypted email.
By the time she downloaded it all on a computer in the US Attorney’s office, it was too late.
Hindsight might be claimed to be twenty-twenty, but she knew better. She could construct all kinds of reasons for what she had done, but reaching back in time and actually knowing why she had decided? Impossible.
Like that bomb. A split-second decision without thought. No reason. Just action.
“Jess, I’m sorry.”
“Stop, Lacy. Just stop. Don’t beat yourself up. We all do things in a moment that we can’t explain afterward. Like you said, we’re not numbers.”
No, they were not numbers. But numbers were adding up in her head suddenly. She pulled back a little, sharing a real sorrow. “I can’t be Sara.”
“What?” He sounded thunderstruck.
“I didn’t think... I don’t think often enough, I guess. My being here, in a place you wanted to share with Sara... I must remind you constantly. It must hurt.” Her voice broke. “I’m sorry...”
“Oh for the love of...” He tightened his arms around her, holding her with a strength that allowed no escape, so strongly he almost squeezed the breath from her. “You’re not Sara. I wouldn’t want you to be her. There’s no confusion in my mind about that. And this wasn’t a place I wanted to share with Sara. Never crossed my mind.”
“But you said...”
“I know what I said about her wanting to have some space, but I wanted it, too. I needed it. And I chose this place for me. Do you honestly think I’m building a monument to Sara’s memory? Because I’m not. This is purely selfish Jess taking care of Jess’s needs, not Sara’s long-lost wishes. You know I loved her. But she’s gone, Lacy, and I’ve faced that as many times as I needed to. I’ve been moving on for a long time now. Have you?”
The question startled her. “I thought I had.”
“Tell me you didn’t tal
k to me all those times on the phone just because of Sara.”
“Maybe at first,” she acknowledged. “But not later.” That was painfully true. Jess had become her friend.
“Sara may have brought us together, but she’s not what’s keeping us together. I like you. I worried about you. I didn’t ask you to come here for her sake, or because I needed to be reminded of her, or because I thought you could replace her in some way. You have your very own place in my life.”
She let his words settle into her heart, and hoped he wasn’t just saying what he thought she needed to hear. “But Sara is still here,” she whispered.
“Sara will always be part of us both. That’s the thing. People live on in our memories and hearts. We keep them alive. But that doesn’t mean there’s no room for anyone else. Our capacity to care is infinite, Lacy. Infinite. Put that in your internal calculator.”
He was trying to lighten the moment, she realized, to fend off the dark thoughts pursuing her. But the idea that she had her own place with him eased her trepidation. She didn’t want to be merely a pale reflection of his memories of Sara, yet she knew she could never measure up to her friend in so many ways. Sara had been vivacious and outgoing, so full of life. These days, shy or not, Lacy seemed to have lost her vivacity and to judge by what she had done tonight, her taste for life.
“I need to get this leg off,” he said. “Landing on it the way I did seems to be causing some swelling in my stump.”
Reluctantly she pulled out of his embrace, the seeds of new feelings she feared to name fading rapidly. But then he held out his hand as he stood.
“Come with me.”
* * *
Jess didn’t know if he was losing his mind. Maybe this night had been so fraught with peril, terror and fatigue that he just didn’t have any mind left. He intended to just remove his leg, then try to get some sleep with Lacy safely at his side.
His move? He couldn’t yet imagine what move he needed to make, but knew that with morning’s light he was going to have to face his demons, the buried pit of his memories, to try to figure out what was going on here.
But not tonight. The stalker, whoever he was, had sent his message. Whatever was coming wouldn’t come this soon. Especially not since the message had clearly said it was Jess’s—or Lacy’s—move.
As if this was some kind of game. Sighing, he shook the thoughts away. He was too tired for this, and he was far too distracted. Tonight had taught him something about his feelings for Lacy. He truly cared about her and what happened to her. He wanted to see smiles light her face and erase the fear that rarely went entirely away. And right now, there seemed to be only one way to do that.
He wanted her. The wanting had become a constant background to every hour and second with her. He had no right; he feared taking advantage of her, feared rupturing their blossoming friendship. But he wanted her. He ached with it, a feeling he had almost forgotten.
Her connection to Sara had rapidly been replaced by a growing connection between them. He wondered if she felt the same but didn’t know how to ask without possibly stepping into a big problem.
In the bedroom, he perched on the edge of the bed and pulled his pants leg up to remove his prosthesis. This time she didn’t watch in fascination.
“Want me to go upstairs?” she asked.
“I’m not letting you out of my sight. Crawl under the blankets.”
She surprised him by stripping out of her own outerwear, down to the silky thermal underwear. So revealing, so appealing. He dragged his gaze away and focused on his leg.
The leg came off easily once he released the vacuum. Lacy came to sit beside him as he examined his stump.
“How bad is it?” she asked.
He tested it with his fingers. “Not much. Just a little swelling. It’ll be okay.”
“You were really something, you know.”
He turned his head, possibly the biggest mistake of the night, and met her blue eyes. The hum of desire awoke to a roar. “Naw,” he said.
“Yes,” she repeated. “The way you grabbed me and ran with me. I thought you couldn’t run.”
“Oh, I can run, just not very far. This leg feels like a weight hanging off me, and my stride’s not the best. That’s why I sometimes think about getting a lighter piece with more spring, so it’ll work more like a leg really does when running. Less fatigue.”
She nodded. “I hadn’t thought about the springiness in a step.”
“Especially when running.” Was he imagining it, or were their faces coming closer together?
“Jess?”
“Yeah?”
“Would we be betraying Sara?”
The question hit him straight in the gut. He knew what she was asking, but he hadn’t expected it. He’d seen the glimmer of desire in her eyes, then how quickly it vanished. What woman would want a man whose body was such a mess? He’d been avoiding taking advantage of her and had presumed she just didn’t really want him. Maybe he’d been reading the signals all wrong.
But what if he was reading them wrong now? But as he stared into her eyes, he found that hard to believe. He could see her breasts rise and fall as her breathing accelerated. Hell, he could see her nipples pebbling beneath the silky thermal shirt. No bra. The realization socked him again.
Then he saw uncertainty begin to grow on her face. God, what had life put this woman through? He was going to find out, but not right now.
Absolutely not right now. Her growing uncertainty lit the fire in him, filled him with a determination not to leave her feeling unwanted and rejected. Lacy didn’t deserve another wound, and certainly not one at his hands.
Reaching for her, he lifted her and swung them both around until they were lying on the bed together. Then he captured her body with his arms and her mouth with his in a kiss into which he poured every bit of passion he felt for her.
To hell with the madman outside; a different kind of madness consumed him now. He wanted to discover every inch of her, to dive into her until he felt they could never be pulled apart. The pounding that grew in his loins was nothing compared to the need he was feeling in his heart and mind.
Need. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to need anything. Life and military-bred self-denial had taught him all the dangers of wanting anything more than life itself.
But he wanted this woman that way. Beyond reason, beyond thought, he needed Lacy.
He spared one brief thought for Sara, and a crazy smile filled his heart. Sara would cheer. The only thing she would wonder was what had taken him so long to see what was right in front of him. The woman long since engraved on his heart would have blessed this moment.
Lacy squirmed a bit, and he pulled back just a little to let her breathe. In the light from the bedside lamp, he watched her gasp and open her eyes, and for the first time he saw that blue completely freed of shadow. Bright, burning like flames, they were clear and unclouded.
Whatever happened, it would be worth it just to see that clarity in her eyes.
A smile chased across her face and she tugged at his sweatshirt. “Come on, Jess. Give.”
“What’s the rush?”
“Me.”
He felt her hips rise against him, and a new tsunami of desire washed over him. Every cell in his body awoke, tingling and hungry. Anticipation nearly stole his breath. He hadn’t expected such boldness from the frightened mouse who had arrived here, looking as if life and terror had completely wrung her dry.
Oh, she was very much alive right now. She tugged at his shirt and he rose up on one hand as she pulled it over his head.
“You’re beautiful,” she whispered, drinking in his arms and chest. In that moment he forgot about all the other scars that peppered his body. “Such shoulders...such arms...” She ran her hands over him, leaving a trai
l of fire behind her caresses.
“Compensation,” he said by way of explanation, but his voice was thick and he wasn’t sure she understood. Nor did he care at this point. All that mattered was that she liked what she saw and wanted to touch him.
He let her have her way, his breath catching as she rubbed her hands over his own small nipples, sending a shock all the way through him, tightening the coil of building passion. He shifted a little and soon he was lying between her legs, balanced on his one leg, pressing his stiffness against her. The sensation seemed to delight her. She gasped and rose to meet him.
“Yes,” she whispered.
Then she reached for the hem of her shirt. Propped on his elbows, rocking as gently as he could against her, he watched as that silky fabric trailed up over her body, revealing inch by inch the beauty underneath. A little too thin, but there was nothing at all lacking when she revealed full, pink-tipped breasts to his gaze.
“Perfect,” he managed to say gutturally, lowering his head to kiss then suck each nipple in turn. Her response caused her to arch almost violently against him.
Her reaction acted like a wind on the firestorm she awoke in him. Her breasts drew his attention like magnets, filling him with both wonder and yearning. Beautiful breasts, full, seeming to reach up for his mouth. He obliged again, reveling in her response as she lifted up toward him and moaned faintly, as her fingers dug into his shoulders.
Then her hands slid down his back. One heart-stopping moment as she felt the depression of a shrapnel scar and paused, but not long enough to drag him out of the cauldron she had put him in. Then her hands found the top of his sweatpants and tugged them down.
God, he was alive and alight, all at once. His pants came down, to below his buttocks, baring his butt to the cold air and his erection to her warmth. The thermal pants might as well not even have been there. He rocked against her, letting her feel how much he wanted her, craved her. His entire body knew exactly where it wanted to be.
A groan escaped him and he reared up, tugging at her pants. Somehow he got them down below her knees, exposing the blond thatch of hair at the junction of her thighs. He glanced up, and saw a sleepy, sexy smile dance over her face, then without any urging at all, she parted her knees, her calves still trapped in fabric, but in a way that exposed her most secret delights to him.