Clarity

by Gabbie S. Duran

“Taylor,” he slowly draws out in a warning.

  “Nick,” I tease against his skin.

  Knowing he’s here, a reality and not a dream, is tempting. Against wanting to admit it, my heart and mind have longed for him this past week.

  Kissing my way up his neck, a quiet groan travels up his throat, vibrating against my mouth. The taste of his skin is nothing compared to the dreams I’ve had these past few days.

  “Baby, you’re torturing me,” he groans out. His lips begin to mimic my movements.

  Our lips finally meet and open up to share a kiss. Pushing my tongue into his mouth and feeling the warmth of his tongue sliding against my own kindles a flame I’ve missed. The sensation is still new, but I’m coming to discover it’s one I enjoy, especially with Nick.

  I can feel the bulge between his legs starting to harden against the thin material of my underwear. Our chests are rhythmically rising and falling together. The spark Nick always ignites inside of me has combusted into a fire burning through my veins.

  Nick’s voice breaks our kiss. “Can I take your shirt off?”

  Without answering, I reach for the hem of my shirt then lift it over my head. Soft, warm lips return to my skin, kissing their way across my collarbone to the valley of my breasts. His long fingers find the clasp of my bra, slowly working their magic to remove the piece of material. My nipple is enclosed in the warmness of his mouth as he suckles and pulls at one before he moves onto the other, a reminder of my dream. Just as fast as the thought is brought to mind, the kneading of his large hands on my butt pulls me back to reality. He tugs me harder against his evident arousal. My hands have somehow found their way in between our bodies to the button of his jeans.

  “Taylor, are you sure about this?” He sounds doubtful, but him helping me push down his jeans doesn’t match his words. In the process, I remove my underwear, the only barrier left between us.

  “This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven,” I say against his lips while climbing back on top of him. We both let out a moan as our bodies connect.

  The hands on my waist are guiding my movements as I rock back and forth. My hands grip his shoulders as my moans increase and my body quickly climbs higher, pushing me closer to the familiar peak I’ve only dreamt about for the last week. My fear of Nick stopping causes me to voice it aloud, fearing the last few minutes are nothing but a continuation of my dreams.

  “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Nick growls into my ear.

  Meeting each one of his thrusts, I can feel myself nearing my climax. Days’ worth of lacking Nick’s touch has me on the edge of completion. His thrusts become faster, determined to push me to my peak. The sparks of desire build. Unable to hold my control, I surrender to the explosion of pleasure bursting inside of me.

  Between my thighs, Nick’s thrusting increases its pace and moments later he’s grunting my name as he finds his own release. Exhausted, our bodies come to a stop as we both gasp for air. I’m trembling from the aftershocks of my climax, unable to move.

  “That was intense,” Nick breathes into my neck.

  I cannot disagree. My breathless pants keep me from responding. He lays us down onto my bed, his hands adjusting my body to drape across his chest. His arms securely wrap around me as I lay my ear against his shoulder.

  “Goodnight, Taylor,” he whispers to me. I could do nothing more than contently sigh while the thumping of his heart sends me back to sleep.

  WRAPPING THE TOWEL around my body, I pad my way back to my room. The brisk cool air of the apartment causes me to grow cold for a brief moment. That is, until I enter my bedroom to find Nick sitting on my bed. The sight of him sends me back to last night.

  Clad only in his jeans, his bare chest is slightly propelled upward by his hands resting behind his head. His longs legs are stretched out and crossed at his ankles. Add his striking blue eyes gazing straight in my direction and he’s the perfect vision of a cover model enticing his viewers. My mind fills with sinful thoughts as I remember every detail of when we made love.

  “You keep looking at me that way and you’ll be needing to take another shower soon.”

  “You’re the one who’s the tease.”

  Pushing myself to break eye contact, I turn towards my closet to grab a pair of scrubs. Seconds later my towel is yanked from around me, leaving me to stand naked in the middle of the room. Turning around, I glare at Nick as he sits on the edge of the bed holding my towel behind his back. I reach for the towel, allowing him to wrap his arm around my waist and tug me forward so I’m standing between his legs.

  “How am I the tease?” he laughs out before burying his face in the valley of my breasts. Pushing on his shoulders in an effort to escape his embrace only allows for his mouth to latch onto one of my breasts.

  “Nick,” I breathlessly say as he continues his torment. “You’re going to get me fired if I don’t get to work. You’ve already made me late.”

  Had it not been for Katie pounding on my door, I most likely would have never woken up this morning. The week of restless nights had taken a toll on my sleep. And last night, after Nick and I made love, I was finally able to enjoy a night of peaceful rest. So much so I’d slept straight through my alarm. Although, I’m beginning to think I didn’t entirely sleep through it since I found my phone lying near Nick’s hand when I was startled awake. Nick had tried pulling me back to bed while protesting for Katie to go away. He’d quickly fallen back to sleep, giving me the chance to sneak from his embrace and take a shower.

  “You sure you wouldn’t rather stay home so we can make up for our time apart?” he asks, kissing his way up to my neck.

  My hands gently grip his shoulders to keep from collapsing to the floor. The warm breath cascading across my bare skin is making my knees weak.

  “Nick . . .”

  My phone begins to ring.

  “Ignore it.”

  Using every ounce of strength to push him away, I start searching for my phone. “I can’t. Only a hand full of people know my number, so it must be important,” I explain, finding it beneath the covers.

  “Hello,” I hesitantly answer.

  “Taylor, are you almost here?” my boss asks, sounding concerned.

  My boss’s voice is like an ice bucket on my carnal desires. Pushing Nick away, his eyes are disappointingly pouting at me.

  “I’m leaving in a minute. I’m sorry,” I answer while rushing to put my underwear on.

  “I was worried about you. You haven’t arrived and I wasn’t able to reschedule you’re ten o’clock appointment. Are you going to make it on time?”

  Pulling the phone from my ear to take in the time, I see I still have an hour to make it to work.

  “Yes, of course.” He lets out a reassured sigh before we end the call. “I have to go,” I say to Nick before putting on my bra.

  Standing, his lips find mine to give me another one of his signature breathtaking kisses. “I’ll give you a ride,” he says after pulling away.

  Nick may look heart-stricken from not convincing me to stay home, but I’m silently whimpering inside for the same reason. It hasn’t been a full twelve hours since he knocked on my door and we’re already exiting with our still unresolved relationship. But I know if I approach the subject now, I’ll never make it to work in the promised hour.

  I love the way you smell. I’ve come to love it more than the smell of coffee.

  I push send on the text message before I lose the courage to send it to Nick. Even with stopping for coffee, he got me to work within the hour. Inhaling the aroma of the dark liquid makes me realize there was now something to trump what was once my most favorite smell. The vibration of my phone distracts my thought.

  I love the way you taste.—Nick

  The sentence makes me smile as I read it. Just as quickly, I receive another message.

  Especially between your legs.—Nick

  My eyes turn to saucers as an ache builds in the same spot he’s indicated. Before I have a chance to answer,
Katie is entering our office.

  “You almost done? I’m hungry,” Katie whines from her end of the room. In my peripheral vision I can see her rubbing at her stomach, making me chuckle.

  “Almost,” I tell her, making sure to exit out of my text messages.

  “Damn, my lips are chapped,” Katie groans. “I forgot my lip gloss. Can I borrow yours?” I look at her with confusion. “Chapstick, then?” she laughs out.

  Grabbing my purse, I search for the Chapstick at the bottom of my purse. My hand brushes up against the small pouch of my birth control and my heart nearly sinks to the floor. I can’t remember the last time I’d grabbed for this pouch. Pulling it out and opening it up to check, my eyes go straight to the last day I’d taken them.

  No . . . No . . . No . . . This can’t be happening.

  “Taylor?”

  “I don’t have one,” I lie. “I’m sorry, Katie. Can we have lunch together tomorrow?” I ask, throwing the pills back into my purse and abruptly standing. I don’t wait for her answer, already rushing out of the building and down the street to the local pharmacy.

  The entire time my heart is pounding out of my chest. Entering my destination, I head to the back of the store where the pharmacist is located.

  “I need a morning after pill,” I blurt out to the female standing behind the counter.

  She’s sympathetically looking at me. “They’re in aisle eight with the feminine products.”

  Turning, I walk towards the aisle she’s directed me to. I soon find them, but the price is a roadblock in my plans. My trembling hands reach up for the plastic encased security box containing the pill.

  For minutes I stand in the aisle, contemplating my plan. With the decision made, I return to the counter to pay for my purchase. Pulling out my credit card, I hand it to the girl along with the box, knowing it’s the only method of funds to pay for the item. She must have noticed my pale expression when I placed the plastic box down on the counter, for she is now giving me a sympathetic smile.

  When my purchase is paid for, I tuck the small brown paper bag into my purse. My steps are unhurried as I return to the office. My wayward mind has made time pass quickly and I arrive just in time to receive my first patient after lunch. My entire afternoon is spent rushing from one patient to another, leaving me no time to return to my earlier thoughts until the car ride home with Katie.

  It’s then I also see Nick’s new text message.

  Your place or mine tonight?—Nick

  I don’t know how to respond to the message just yet.

  “Does Nick play tonight?” I ask Katie.

  “Yeah. I think it’s the team’s last game before they travel. Why?”

  “He’s asking whether it’s his place or ours tonight.”

  “I would prefer his so I can get some sleep tonight.” I stare at her with incomprehension. “You’re loud,” she teases.

  I turn to face her, my mouth gaping open from embarrassment. “It’s okay, Taylor. I’m happy for you. Maybe he’s tired of camping out at our place,” she muses.

  Remembering what happened the last time I visited his apartment, I type my response.

  My place.—Taylor

  We still haven’t come to a resolution from last night, and I still have my earlier dilemma to deal with. My hand tightens its grip on my purse, knowing exactly what it contains. A heavy heart has overtaken my entire body with every minute leading us to our apartment. Entering our apartment, I go directly to my bedroom.

  Two hours later Katie finds me sitting on the edge of my bed, the box I’d purchased earlier sitting in my hands as I stare down at it. I’m still contemplating whether to take it or not. I’ve had plenty of time to make the choice, but the doubt of whether it’s the best decision has been lingering with me from the moment I left the pharmacy.

  “You’ve been in here since we arrived. What’s wrong?” The concern in her voice has me turning to face her.

  “I don’t know whether to take it or not.” I hold up the box for her to view.

  “But I thought you were on the pill?”

  Her question has me cringing from knowing what I will answer next. “I forgot to take it this week. I hadn’t thought about it until this afternoon when you asked me for Chapstick.”

  “Wasn’t he using a condom?”

  “He got tested, remember? And, we were in a bit of a hurry,” I blush, remembering how impatient I was to have sex with Nick.

  Her chin points down in the direction of the box. “Is that why you hightailed it out of the office this afternoon?” Nodding my head to answer, I’m now staring back down at it, too.

  “I always told myself I wasn’t going to have kids. I didn’t want to turn out like my mother. Every moment she could she never failed to remind me that I was a mistake because she was stupid and didn’t use birth control. I was always afraid I’d make the same stupid mistake she made. It’s why I stayed a virgin until . . . until.” I can’t get the words out. I shudder as I’m forced to remember the incident.

  Katie rapidly moves to stand in front of me, kneeling down to my eye level.

  “Don’t say it,” she commands. “You have no reason to feel ashamed of what happened, Taylor.” It’s as if she has read my thoughts. “And you’ll never be like your mother.”

  “How would you know?”

  She has a hint of a smile on her lips as she grabs for my hand holding the box. “Because you haven’t taken this pill yet. You’re not selfish like her. You’re already trying to protect something that may not even exist, Taylor.”

  I sit, trembling as I remember my emotions on the walk back to work. I kept telling myself I would be killing my unborn child. Could I be selfish enough to follow through with the action?

  Looking to her for the answer, I ask, “What do I do?”

  “It’s not my decision to make, sweetie,” she rasps out.

  My eyes are now clouded with the tears that have been building. My throat is just as full as I keep forcing myself to swallow them down.

  “What if Nick doesn’t want kids? It wouldn’t be fair to force him to raise a child he never wanted. I know for sure I can’t afford to raise a baby on my own.” Before I can continue with my speech, Katie interrupts me.

  “Even if Nick walked away, Taylor, you’d still have me. I would be here to help you raise that baby.”

  I find myself doing something I’ve never done before. I reach out to hug her. I’ve never been someone to show my emotions. It wasn’t until Nick walked into my life that I began to do so. Whether I choose to admit it or not, he’s brought about a drastic change in me. He’s helped me evolve into the person I’d always wished to be. It’s the reason why my decision is so much harder. Could I bring myself to possibly kill something that is a part of him? If it even exists?

  Another minute later we’re both pulling out of our hug, tears in our eyes.

  “Thank you, Katie,” I croak out, wiping at my nose.

  Katie grabs for the box, turning it to read the instructions on the back.

  “It says here you have forty-eight hours to take it. Maybe you should wait and talk to Nick first. I hate to admit it, but he should have a say in the decision as well.”

  My heart sinks as her words register in my thoughts. All I can wonder is how is Nick going to react?

  I guess I’m going to get my answer tonight if he does obey my text message and meets me at my apartment. There is nothing left to do but wait and anticipate how Nick will react. But in my heart, I know I’ve made my decision. I refuse to be like my mother, but only time will tell if that will ever happen.

  Taylor opens the door with a grief stricken appearance. The sight pushes away every ecstatic emotion I’d come with. It’s a recollection of when she’d opened the door last night. As I’d done then, I step forward, pulling her to my chest, feeling the need to push away the anguish I know she’s harboring inside.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask against her temple as I hold her.

  She
stays in my arms for only a brief moment, as if savoring my comfort before she pulls herself away.

  “We need to talk.” The tone in her voice has me feeling apprehensive. It has me fearing she’s doubting her decision to forgive me.

  She moves around me to close the apartment door, and without glancing back to me proceeds to walk down the hall in the direction of her room. Cautiously, I follow her with my emotions spiraling out of control before they start sinking in despair. Once I’ve stepped into her room, she closes the door behind us and turns to face me. She wraps herself in her own arms before her eyes find the floor.

  “Taylor, you’re starting to worry me,” I croak out.

  She looks up to me before saying, “If it makes you feel any better, I’m worried myself.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  She’s doubtfully shaking her head. “Nick—”

  I don’t let her finish what she would have said as I step forward, taking her face in my palms, needing to hold her. Somehow knowing if I risk taking her into my arms, she will most likely retreat.

  “Taylor, please don’t tell me you regret last night. I wouldn’t be able to walk away from you again. I refuse to.”

  Wide eyed, she responds, “No, Nick. This isn’t about last night,” she replies, but just as quickly she’s nervously biting her lip as she considers her next words. “Well, technically it is, but it isn’t about me forgiving you.”

  I’m elated, but confused. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

  “I forgot to take my pill,” she blurts out.

  Her statement has me smiling. “That’s it? You’re stressing over forgetting to take one pill?” I laugh out.

  “It’s not just one. It was the whole week.” My inner amusement has died, leaving me dumbstruck as her wistful eyes stare back at me. “We had sex last night. Unprotected sex,” she clarifies.

  My palm drops from her face as if stricken by a current of electricity. “So what does this mean?” I ask, still pondering her words.

  She’s staring directly into my eyes as she answers, “It means I might be pregnant.”