My Love

by Sabrina Zbasnik

  Lana's lips mumbled against his chest, her body falling slack as sleep took its claim, "I love you too, Cullen. And I never want this to end."

  Laying his head back on the pillow, holding her tight to him as she slipped off to slumber, Cullen mouthed, "Neither do I."

  * * *

  Warmth overran Lana's weary limbs, her skin almost burning from the flames licking across it. She tried to call to the ice always within her, but something dampened it, the presence yanking the spell off her fingers and holding it beyond her reach. That was impossible. No, you can't do that to... Like slithering out of a bath, the fade dripped away from her consciousness and the real world raced to fill it instead. Before she opened her eyes, she took a deep breath, her lungs inflating with air she kept denying herself while she slept.

  As she cracked an eye open, she spotted not one but two blankets rolled around her sweating body. "Maker, not again," she groaned at her night thieving ways. Struggling to wiggle out from under the weight, it dawned on her that it was herself in her dream holding the spell away so she didn't do something stupid. It used to happen often when she was little and fresh into the power that'd wake her whimpering in the corner. The mages called it their imaginary friend. Some had a wisp, others an animal that'd whisper to them to sheathe their spells and lower their hands. It was all a dream. Lana's never took any form, certainly nothing as interesting as Margie's three headed dragon with a fuzzy, purple belly. It was a blankness, colder than the depths of the void, that'd chastise her and yank her power away when she was in danger of abusing it.

  With time and practice the imaginary friends faded, no longer needed to keep the scared mages company. She thought she was long beyond needing it, until the nightmares began. With remnants of the blight dripping and oozing into her mind, her warning would step in when things got out of hand but sometimes, sometimes Lana would overpower it and then... Then things could get dangerous.

  She managed to slither up to a reclining position from out under the quilt she stole off Cullen. Lana expected him to have risen already, he seemed incapable of sleeping in past dawn, but his still clothed body lay curled up beside her. He had one hand dug under his pillow trying to mash it into his face. Worry lines crested across his forehead, but she couldn't tell if they were from some new pain or the constant ones. Willing her arms to obey, Lana slid the quilt over to its rightful owner. He looked cold, curled in on himself, but the addition of the blanket didn't seem to change his state.

  Smiling to herself, Lana's fingers traipsed across his forehead, the touch barely there. At first he sneered, something in his dream either annoying or antagonizing him, but when she cupped his cheek it all vanished. The eternally peeved Commander melted away to Cullen fast asleep in the clothes he wore the day, his curls fanning out over the pillow. Why was she so damn scared? Not of him, but of herself, of putting her heart out and once again having it burst to ash. Of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong step, and having to pick herself up again. Could she even manage it one more time or would that be her undoing?

  And it'd been going so well until she overthought and panicked. Maker, but she missed his fingers. He'd been near on professional in his touch before, only massaging deep into her muscles and never even letting an errant elbow or hand drift near her chest. To have his hands curve over her skin, his lips pressed upon her mark with the same passion she remembered before... Lana snickered as another piece slotted into place. Two years since they'd been together, and even then their moments together were brief and often hurried. She worried to herself what if he didn't feel the same physical connection of before. What if she didn't? Oh, she knew she ached for him, that became rather obvious the few times she'd catch him in the midst of changing or preparing for a bath. But so much could...no, she was being stupid again. One day at a time, that was the plan.

  With her hand cupping his shoulder, Lana slid down the bed to rest beside him. The exact same way she did after waking from a nightmare at the Winter Palace. Andraste's tears, but he was even more handsome now by the flickering fire in the hearth and the sun trying to pour from under the door. Was it any wonder she fell helplessly in love with him? Lana snorted at that thought, hopelessly in love in spite of her own attempts to sabotage it. Somehow he kept clinging on, hoping that she'd wake up and realize what was always there. And he was never pushy about any of it.

  Scooting closer to him, her hand ran over the top of his arm and she whispered to his slack face, "I don't deserve you." Cullen snorted, but he didn't wake. After pausing to make certain she didn't disturb him, Lana moved to press her lips against his cheek when she heard the sound of knocking from outside. She glanced down at her legs, still tangled in her blanket and skirt. The pain was deader than last night, but her hip flared in vengeful red. Rising up to the door seemed a monumental task. Unaware of her decision, the knocking continued outside, the soft thud being what broke through Cullen's sleep.

  His eyes snapped open, a panic roaring through them, until they traced over at Lana smiling at him and calm blotted his anxiety away. "Morning," he whispered.

  "Back at you," she said. Lifting up the edge of his quilt, she snuggled into his waiting arms.

  As his lips buried into the top of her head, he whispered, "I'm guessing you stole it again."

  "Maybe if we nail it to the bed post?" Lana suggested, her eyes trailing over to what they called "Two Lovers and a Helping Hand." It was nowhere near as bad as the back right one that had tentacles in the name.

  Cullen glared at the post he hated slightly less than the other three, then shook his matted hair, when another far more fervid knock beat against the door. He moved to get up, when Lana wrapped her arms around him and clung tight. "Shouldn't we...?"

  "I'm not going to be able to get up for awhile so I've decided to stay put."

  His body crumbled as soft hands caressed down her arm, "Lana, I'm so sorry for..."

  "Shhh," she patted her fingers against his apologizing lips, "I know you certainly never meant to. And besides, I did have a long day with Leliana. It's not surprising I pushed myself beyond the limit."

  "Still, I..." his words fell off as the continual pounding broke away.

  Lana smirked, "See, I knew they'd give up eventually. Now..." she snuggled her head against the crook of his arm, her hand curling across his chest. Cullen's frown slipped away, but she could still see the regret ringing in his eyes. Lifting her head up, she aimed to kiss that pain away when the door to the bedroom flew open.

  "What the...?" Ice rose up Lana's fist before her brain registered that it was Leliana standing in the frame, her hands crossed as she tapped her foot.

  Cullen moved to try and leap out of bed, but Lana's body remained on top of him. "Your most Holy, I mean Leliana, um...this is not what, I...?" He sat up and whipped his head around in confusion.

  Nothing crossed Leliana's stern face, even as Cullen awkwardly stumbled around every word he could stutter out. "It's not the worst of what I feared to stumble in upon. When you didn't answer my first knock I grew worried that something dreadful happened," she said looking only at Lana.

  "So you burst right into the bedroom without a single word?" Lana tried to sit up as well, but her head swam as a headache competed with the pain in her hips.

  "It's not like you to sleep so late into the day, and..." Leliana paused, and a hit of embarrassment actually crested across her porcelain cheeks. "Yes, you make an excellent point. I should have called out and yet, there doesn't seem to be much damage. You're both still..." her blushing tone fell off as her eyes canvassed both of them, "dressed in the same attire you wore yesterday."

  "I can..." Cullen began, but Lana cut him off.

  "It was a long day, long night too if you don't remember. And, Maker's sake, how do you not have a splitting headache after all we drank?" she gasped, acutely aware of the taste of dead crackers in her mouth and bright lights popping against her vision.

  "How could I forget that you don't last long when wine's
involved?" Leliana chuckled.

  "I do just fine with wine, it's when you start adding all the other stuff that everything goes downhill fast," Lana pouted, struggling to rise up higher but her head refused to lift.

  Leliana shrugged a shoulder, before slightly bowing, "As you say. Come, there's someone I want you to meet. Both of you. I think she could help solve a few problems."

  "Ah..." Lana's weary hands pinched into her thighs buried below the blanket, "I'm afraid I don't think I can get up just now."

  "Why?" Leliana's lighthearted tone snapped to ice and she glared at Cullen.

  "It was my fault," Lana interrupted, "took a turn too quick, popped out my hip and bam, right to the floor. Bet it'll make a pretty bruise on my shoulder to go along with all the scars," she tried to laugh at the absurdity, but Leliana didn't seem to believe her.

  "I see. Then this wouldn't have anything to do with the other report I have of someone screaming blasphemes at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night?"

  So that was really why she burst in. Lana cast a sidelong glance at Cullen who looked as if he already intended to whip himself for his failures. But whatever little thing he shouted, it was certain the Mothers increased its ferocity tenfold for the sake of gossip. "Nope, I try to keep all of my screaming to the 'oh, ah' and 'damn' variety. Unless that last one counts," Lana stepped in the middle of Leliana's accusations.

  While the Divine didn't look ready yet to release her intended target, she sighed and rolled her head. "Very well, I shall file it away as a mysterious circumstance. But there is someone you should meet." Leliana slid out of the room, leaving Lana and Cullen to share a shrug. He tried to point out how somehow this was his fault, while Lana waved it all away, certain Leliana would either forget it or drill her about it later. Either way, it shouldn't concern him.

  When he looked about to leap out of the bed, Leliana returned with an elf behind her. She was stark, all edges and hard lines, with her brunette hair pinned back into a bun that drew her cheeks even tighter against sharp bones. Smiling at the addition, while Lana and Cullen tried to not look at the embarrassing decor, Leliana patted her hands upon the elf's shoulder. "This is Detan, she's here to be your assistant."

  "My what?" Cullen started from the elf's piercing eyes sizing up her newest employer. Thank the Maker he was dressed at least, even if his clothes were simple and rumpled from the night.

  "Given the gargantuan task before you, Commander, I thought someone to coordinate messengers, schedule appointments, and generally grease the wheels of bureaucracy would be helpful."

  "Ah..." he dug his hand into the back of his neck, struggling to tell Leliana that he didn't need any help despite the fact he spent the night sleeping in his clothes. "I don't think..."

  "Ser, if you will," Detan stepped towards the bed, her eyes never glancing across the posts' reliefs. She slid around a stack of vellum under her arm and began to lay each into Cullen's hands. "I have already filed the incoming missives from Skyhold, cross-referenced those with the others arriving from across Orlais. There are a few noted ones at the top from Ferelden, one in particular that seems to be from family. Yes, of course," she removed a smaller envelope from the stack and passed it to Lana. "And this from 'unnamed sources' for the 'lady of the cathedral.'"

  Lana flipped Alistair's letter around in her hands, her jaw falling open. Damn, Detan was good. Maker knew Cullen could use a break. While he'd grit his teeth and buckle down harder, he didn't need to suffer alone, especially with the pain of lyrium withdrawals floating in his veins. She reached over to run a hand down his arm when her shoulder seized up. Hissing through the agony, Lana tried to massage it, but Cullen's fingers beat her to it, already drawing it out.

  Detan watched the move with a curious eye. "If I may be bold to make a suggestion, I've often heard that swimming can assist in regaining strength in limbs that are lacking."

  Lana glared at Leliana. There was no way Detan should be aware of what her condition was unless the Divine blabbed because the assistant was meant as much for the hidden Hero of Ferelden as for the Commander. Glancing away, Leliana let her glare fall off, as if she had good reason for her choices.

  It was Cullen who snorted, unaware of the slip of information, "Swimming in the midst of winter, sounds a good way to freeze to death."

  "I was thinking more making use of one of the spas indoor baths," Detan slotted her hands behind her back. In her spartan grey cassock she bore the striking resemblance of a statue.

  "A spa?" Cullen's eyes bulged for a moment and he stopped his massage.

  "Do they even make baths big enough for it to help?" Lana scoffed, feeling opposed to the idea for no good reason. She wanted to have some very harsh words with Leliana, but not while they were surrounded.

  "You would be surprised," Leliana smiled, "This is Val Royeaux. Luxury is always attainable here."

  "Lirlene's Escape boasts five foot deep ones," Detan said. "That should more than suffice."

  "Sounds excellent," Leliana said, tipping her head at the assistant. "Do you think you can book an appointment for today?"

  "What?" Lana interrupted, "I don't even want to... No, there's no way I can get out of bed today. Not to, no, not at all."

  Leliana pursed her lips, "Very well, tomorrow then."

  "The Escape is often reserved for months in advance," Detan clipped, her fingers drawing down a clipboard more terrifying than the one the ambassador used at Skyhold. This one had spikes on the end with small scraps of paper pierced through them. "But, I believe with the mention of the Divine's name it could be done." She smiled at that, her thin lips curling in a way that dropped dread into Lana's stomach. Did she have no say in this?

  "Excellent," Leliana clapped her hands, "get right on that."

  Evidently not.

  Detan bowed to her Most Holy, then turned on a quick heel. Everyone held their breath until they heard the main door click shut. "Do not make that face, Lanny," Leliana was the first to advance on her.

  "Me? Okay, let's go over what you did today. Walked unannounced into the apartments."

  "They are technically mine," Leliana smiled.

  "Threw open the door to the bedroom where we could have been doing Maker knows what in here," Lana continued, needing to rant.

  "I admit I'd have been surprised if you were summoning demons, but the rest of the options weren't anything within the realm of things I'm unaware of."

  Lana growled at the amused smirk wrapping around her friend's face. "And now you throw some stranger into our complicated and private business."

  "Detan is a professional. She's proven a valuable ally for me, and I think you will find she can work miracles better than the Maker himself sometimes."

  Cullen placed the stack of missives in his lap, "It does seem a bit questionable to add another person to our secret."

  "Then do not tell her. She needs not know anything beyond who you are," Leliana gestured at Cullen, "because believe me, all of Orlais knows you're here."

  "What? Why?" he sat up at that, a shadow clouding his brow.

  "But all she need know of Lanny is that she is with the Commander, in whatever capacity that with is, and needs help from time to time." Leliana dug her hands into her eyes and sighed, "If Josephine were available and not off starting her own fleet in Antiva I would have sent for her. As it is, this is your best option and believe me, you two need it."

  Lana sunk back against her pillow, "All right, fine, we'll try Detan for awhile. See how it goes. If she only focuses on Cullen's problems then..."

  "Why does all of Orlais care about my whereabouts?" Cullen stuttered, unable to let it go.

  Leliana smirked at that, "If you will excuse me, I have a dozen meetings to attend." She threw on her smile, but something warbled below it. Lana wasn't certain if it was exhaustion, concern, or a Spymaster's long buried shrewdness shimmering out from below the invisible mask. "Commander," she dipped her head at him and made a curious move with her fingers.
<
br />   Lana's eyes narrowed in confusion, but Cullen's widened and he bobbed his head, muttering, "Your Worship," a few times.

  Carefully shutting the door, Leliana left them alone in the bedroom, and then the apartments themselves. Lana glanced over the stacks of vellum resting in Cullen's slack hands as he tried to sift through them. Spinning Alistair's letter a few more times, she sighed, "Well, that was something."

  "You would tell me the truth if you ever thought your friend had any machinations to...um," Cullen swallowed hard, his eyes skirting towards her.

  "She's not going to," Lana began, before remembering what Leliana did to the only man who ever tried to cheat on her, "I'll make certain she doesn't do anything."

  Lana's pat on his hands didn't lift his spirits much, but he attempted a smile at her for trying. Ruffling over the pile of work, Cullen groaned, "Maker, I never expected it to be this complicated. Who knew decommissioning an army required so much paperwork?"

  He had a neck straining, eye watering amount of work ahead of him sequestered at the desk while scribbling his signature across every letter he could find. If he was in Skyhold, this would take a few days, but by having to travel across country each letter had to be reproduced in triplicate to make certain no lines got misinterpreted. And he was doing it all for her, because she couldn't sleep alone.

  Tossing the letter onto the floor, Lana scooped the pile of vellum out of Cullen's hands. He didn't complain, but a curious eye watched her drop them to the ground. "Forget it, all that," she scooped up his arm and draped it over her shoulder. Sliding her head against that tempting chest, Lana sighed, "Let's spend the day together in bed."

  "I..."

  She could see the arguments percolating in the back of his eyes, so Lana grabbed onto his jaw and pulled him in for a kiss. Tender as a whisper, his lips fell into hers, and she felt all of Cullen's worries melt away. After Lana pulled away, he didn't rise up from the bed, only wrapped his arm tighter around her and slid lower into it.