The Life You Choose and That Chose You
Page 25
He leads me through the crowd gently, bumping from person to person until we are outside, sitting on a bench near an old parking lot. It is a while before either of us speaks.
‘Thank you,’ I mumble as I lean forward and rest my head in my hands. ‘But I was actually comfortable where I was.’
‘I know,’ is all he says, as though he has been there before. We sit for some time in the silence before we see Joe and Casey stumbling towards us.
‘Home time?’ slurs Joe.
‘I have tequila at my place,’ I offer.
‘Lucy's place then.’
I enter the apartment first, with Mark following closely behind. ‘You live in a shithole,’ he hisses in my ear as he pushes past me, throwing himself into the beanbag near the window. Joe and Casey meander through and fall into the couch. They don't wait too long before they forget that we are there at all. I tell them to get a room, pointing the way to my bedroom.
They disappear and I head to the kitchen to find some glasses and the tequila I promised. When I return I notice Mark reading Mum's letter. He has ripped it open, the envelope now crumpled on the floor beside him. I don't need to guess the words he is reading. Mum's letters are always the same. They tell me to come home. They tell me to look after myself. They tell me that I am a good girl and that it wasn't my fault.
Mark is mouthing the words silently to himself but I know that he is near the end. I know the ending by heart now, Mum always finishes the letters with the same line, as though the repetition will finally break me down. She writes, ‘I will always love you. I can't lose you both. Come home. Love Mum.’ Mark finishes reading and places the letter in his lap. He doesn't look at me, I hope he is too fucked up to care about the contents.
‘Tequila?’ I say, placing a glass down on the floor in front of him. He doesn't respond. I pour a generous amount anyway.
‘Your mum wants you to go home,’ he says, still not looking up from the letter.
‘I know. The letters are all the same. Tonight was fun,’ I say, trying to take the conversation away from Mum, but Mark is having none of it.
‘How can you do it to her?’ he looks up at me now. I am not sure how to respond to this stranger. ‘Why do you get to run away?’ he spits the words at me as though it was him that I had left behind. I say nothing. ‘It's none of my business,’ he finishes.
‘No, it's not really,’ I say, sounding as feeble as I feel. ‘You know nothing about me.’
‘No, but if I had a mum who still cared about me after,’ he pauses, searching out the right words, ‘this!’ He hits the letter with the back of his hand and shakes his head. ‘She still loves you.’
The words are simple but they hit me at my core. I know this already of course, that she loves me. I hate her for it, she should despise me.
‘You know nothing about me,’ I try again. But I know that he does, the letter says it all. There is nowhere to hide. I throw the tequila down my throat and feel its sting. Mark sits quietly for a moment shaking his head slowly from side to side.
‘You knew she was drunk?’
‘I got her drunk.’
‘You didn't make her drive though.’
‘I didn't stop her.’
Mark takes the tequila bottle from in front of me and places it beside him. He still hasn't touched his drink.
‘Who do you think you are hurting?’ He waits for me to respond, but I don't trust the tears that I know are waiting to fall. ‘Your mum lost her too.’
I reach over to take his untouched glass but he grabs my arm and pulls me towards him. ‘You're a coward,’ he hisses.
The words that he spits at me feel like stones and I bruise like summer fruit. I want to take shelter, but I know I deserve it. He lets go of me and I slump back against the sofa. I can hear my mobile phone vibrating on the kitchen bench. Finally it gives up and the room is silent.
‘She was my twin.’
I can't say more than this. The ache that has always been there is getting stronger. Before Mark can respond the landline sounds, impatient for attention.
I take the opportunity to move away. As soon as my head is turned tears flood my eyes, wetting my face. They have been waiting a long time. I have no energy to fight them. I allow myself to be washed away in the salt and stand motionless at the kitchen bench, shaking uncontrollably.
I feel something brush past me and realise that Mark has reached the phone. He lifts it off the hook and holds it to his ear. ‘Hello. I am Mark. A…friend.’ He looks at me as I slide to the floor. ‘Yeah, she's here.’ He shakes the receiver in my direction. He doesn't need to tell me who is waiting on the other end.
I am finding it difficult to breathe. There is a restrictive force on my throat. I heave and gasp to take in air, the first sound Mum hears is a hiccup.
‘Mum?’
I got your text.’ I must have sent her a text from the nightclub. I take my phone from the bench and search the ‘sent’ file. There is one message in there: ‘I am all fucked up and have no place to go.’
‘Come home,’ she says.
Angus Benson grew up surfing, and through a Writing and Cultural Studies degree, has found inspiration from the stories of Indigenous Australians. He likes to explore cross-cultural interactions through writing.
Jason Childs is currently completing his Honours in Communication. His fiction has featured in the previous UTS Writers’ Anthology, I Can See My House From Here, in The Penguin Plays Rough Book of Short Stories, and on FBi Radio's All The Best.
Rosie Cintio lives in the Blue Mountains and is currently studying a Bachelor of Arts (Honours) in Communications. Her work also appeared in the 2009 UTS Writers’ Anthology, On the Side.
S J Cottier was born in Sydney and is still here. She lives with Ashley, Ruby and Violet and is having a very good time.
Mathilde de Hautecloque began writing stories in grid paper notebooks pinched from her French father's desk. She is currently in her final year of a Master of Arts in Creative Writing at UTS and is working on a novella.
Julian Dibley-Hall is a writer, performer and aspiring thinker, born and raised in Sydney's inner west. He should be writing his Honours thesis but is probably huddled in a corner somewhere writing poetry instead.
Deborah FitzGerald comes to the Master of Arts in Creative Writing via a career in journalism and a modest pile of rejected manuscripts. She's hoping she's a late bloomer.
Benjamin Freeman decided to try writing when he read the words, ‘Nude up—wherever people are wearing clothes there's an opportunity for a naked person on the move. Be that naked person in 2006.’
After being selected to work on her first novel at Varuna, Susanna Freymark has had four short stories published. She divides her time between journalism and working on her second novel. Her blog is: atherdesk.blogspot.com
Recently published for braving the Cape, Robert Graves is better known for his love of cooking, transgender theory and ridiculously small animals. He lives with his partner and two geckos, amassing Women's Weekly recipes.
Aziza Green longs to return to the 90s, when scrunchie/legging combos reigned and her poignant poetry filled many a birthday card. Her glory years may be behind her, but she's still laughing at the days to come.
Isabelle Guaran is in her final year of her Bachelor of Arts in Communications (Writing and Cultural Studies) and Bachelor of Laws and enjoys rolling around in all the lovely words.
Kit Henderson has lived in four states and three countries—for her future she sees a life in the country (with all the trimmings) with the hubby and a few ‘little Kits’.
Lucy Holt is a student at UTS. She likes writing.
Jenny James lives with her partner and two sons in Hurlstone Park. She writes fiction and has had several short stories published in various literary magazines.
Sharon Kent recently completed a Master of Arts in Writing (Research) and is currently writing a novel that has attracted three Varuna fellowships. This is Sharon's third story in a UT
S Writers’ Anthology.
Rebecca Lean has recently been published in the anthology Reflections (Ibis Books). She is currently writing a discontinuous narrative called Running the Gut. In 2011 she will complete her Graduate Diploma in Writing at UTS.
Madelaine Lucas is studying Writing and Cultural Studies at UTS, after a brief and ill-informed venture majoring in Journalism. She has been happily indulging her daydreams and romanticisms ever since.
Roslyn McFarland has worked extensively in education and has co-authored HSC textbooks. Currently studying for a Master of Arts in Creative Writing, she hopes that ‘Bend in the River’, her first published fictional piece, won't be her last.
Anna Nordstroem is a UTS graduate. She grew up in Helsingborg, Sweden and has lived in Australia since 2006. She writes poetry, short fiction and software manuals.
Daniel Rapaic O'Connell lives in Darlinghurst. He reads slowly and has a terrible memory for names.
Amy Paterson writes short stories and poetry when she's avoiding finishing her novel.
Mark Rossiter is a PhD candidate researching Transgressive Writing. He lives in the Blue Mountains.
Howard Shih abandoned the legal profession to pursue his dream of becoming a writer. He hopes to never wake up.
Popi-Laurel Silk writes fiction, nonfiction, poems and love letters. Popi is completing a Bachelor of Arts in Writing and Cultural Studies and International Studies at UTS. She enjoys reading aloud to an audience.
Rebecca Slater is a first year Bachelor of Communication (Writing and Cultural Studies) student. She writes about love and cats because she is a nineteen-year-old girl and doesn't know any better.
Annabel Stafford is a former full-time journalist turned student and mother of two. She is studying for a Masters in Creative Writing (Research) and this is her first piece of published fiction.
Rosanna Beatrice Stevens was the Katharine Susannah Prichard Writers’ Centre Young Writer in Residence for 2010. Her work can be found in The Big Issue, Seizure, Voiceworks, Cottonmouth, Vibewire, and the 2010 UTS Writers’ Anthology, I Can See My House From Here.
Georgia Symons has had some success in theatre as a writer and director, which she hopes will extend to film, television and radio. Other than writing, she enjoys everything.
Michelle Troxler is a South African-born Swiss who grew up in New Zealand and now finds herself in Sydney. She is currently wrestling with her second speculative novel.
Ellen Tyrrell is a Bachelor of Arts (Honours) graduate, now completing a Master of Arts in Creative Writing. She has always wanted to share her writing, has rarely had the courage, and is so glad she took a risk.
Amanda Yeo is in her fourth year of a Bachelor of Laws and Bachelor of Arts in Communication. Her writing has featured in Short & Sweet, FBi Radio and the upcoming Westside New Series Vol 2.
Jacqui Wise can now call herself a poet.
Kate Butler is passionate about books and words; they have led her through science and the arts, to UTS and now into publishing. She is also fond of punctuation, particularly semicolons.
Jason Childs is doing his Honours in Communication. Last year he edited the UTS magazine, Vertigo. This year, in addition to working on the UTS Writers’ Anthology, he was assistant editor of The Penguin Plays Rough Book of Short Stories.
Kit Henderson tried corporate but didn't like it; she threw it all in to become an underpaid editor and writer and is loving it.
Stephanie King is a writer, performer and editor. She is currently working on her Honours thesis in writing at UTS. As a child, she usually missed the bus.
Maggie Korenblium has an eagle eye, a red pen of doom, three quarters of a degree in Writing and Cultural Studies and a pixie haircut, provided the pixie was dragged through a hedge backwards.
Kate Laidley is an undergraduate who doesn't know what she wants to do when she grows up.
Sophie Roberts is a recent graduate of the UTS writing program. She is currently freelancing as an editor and photographer and is hoping an offer of permanent work is forthcoming.
Jacqui Wise will this year complete a Master of Arts in Creative Writing (with a sub-major in vacuuming).
With thanks to Professor Theo van Leeuwen, Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, and Dr Debra Adelaide, Dr Delia Falconer, Amelia Lester, Lauren Finger and Mark Rossiter. Special thanks to Professor Robert Hass whose poem ‘Art and Life’ inspired the title of this edition.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Copyright © 2011 (Copyright of each work remains with the author)
Published by Figment Publishing 2011
PO Box Q324, QVB Post Office,
NSW 1230, Australia
www.figment.com.au
National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry
Title: The life you chose and that chose you [electronic resource] / editors, Kate Butler…[et al.].
ISBN: 9781921134142 (epub)
ISBN: 9781921134159 (mobi)
Series: UTS Writers anthology ; 2011.
Subjects: College students' writings, Australian—New South
Wales--Sydney.
Short stories, Australian--21st century.
Other Authors/Contributors:
University of Technology, Sydney.
Dewey Number: A820.8004
Printed by Everbest Printing, Hong Kong
Cover design by Xou Creative, www.xou.com.au
Typeset design by Xou Creative
Set in Berling, Adobe Garamond Pro and Prestige Elite