The Edge of Always teon-2

by J. A. Redmerski

  But I really think my secret sadness and missing home and all that is because of the pregnancy. My hormones are all out of whack. And I think it also has a lot to do with worrying. I worry about everything now. I mean, I did a lot of that before I met Andrew, but now that I’m pregnant, my worries have multiplied: Will the baby be healthy? Will I be a good mother? Did I screw up my life by… I’m doing it again. Fuck. I’m a horrible person. Every time that thought crosses my mind it makes me feel so guilty. I love our baby and I wouldn’t change the way things are if I could, but I can’t help but wonder if I… if we messed up by getting pregnant too soon.

  “Camryn?” I hear Andrew’s voice and I snap out of my deep thoughts. “Are you all right?”

  I force a believable smile. “Yeah, I’m good. Was just daydreaming—y’know, I prefer purple over pink.”

  “I got to name her,” Andrew says, “so you can choose whatever colors you want.” He encloses my hand underneath his on the table. It makes me smile just to know that he cares about any of this stuff at all.

  Marna pulls her glass away from her lips and sets it on the table in front of her.

  “Oh?” she asks intrigued. “You’ve already picked out a name?”

  Andrew nods. “Lily Marybeth. Camryn’s middle name is Marybeth. She should be named after her mom.”

  Oh my God, he just melted my heart. I don’t deserve him.

  Marna smiles over at me, her face full of happiness and every other emotion imaginable that someone like Andrew’s mother could possess. Not only did her son beat his illness and come back strong from the brink of death, but now she has a granddaughter on the way.

  “Well, it’s a beautiful name,” she says. “I thought Aidan and Michelle would be first, but life’s full of surprises.” Something about the way she said that seemed to have a hidden meaning and Andrew notices.

  “Something going on with Aidan and Michelle?” Andrew asks, taking a quick sip of his tea.

  “Just part of being married,” she answers. “I’ve never seen a marriage without some kind of struggles, and they’ve been together for a long time.”

  “How long?” I ask.

  “Married only five years,” Marna says. “But they’ve been together for about nine, I believe.” She nods as she thinks about it further, satisfied with her memory.

  “It’s probably just Aidan,” Andrew says. “I wouldn’t wanna be married to him.” He laughs.

  “Yeah, that would be weird,” I say, wrinkling my nose at him.

  “Well, Michelle won’t be able to make the baby shower,” Marna says. “She has a few conferences she has to attend in December, and it just doesn’t fit with her schedule, especially since she’s so far away. But she’ll probably send the best gifts out of everyone.” She smiles sweetly over at me.

  I acknowledge her and take another sip, but my mind is wandering again and I can’t stop it. All I can think about is what she said a few comments back, about never knowing of a marriage without struggles. And I slip right back into worry mode.

  “You’re birthday is December the eighth, right, Camryn?”

  I blink back into the moment. “Oh… yes. The big twenty-one.”

  “Well, looks like I have a birthday party to plan, too, then.”

  “Oh, no, you don’t need to do that.”

  She waves away my plea as if it’s ridiculous, and Andrew just sits back with that dopey grin on his face.

  I give in because I know with Marna there’s no use trying.

  We head home after an hour, and it’s already dark out. I’m so tired from running around all day and from the Lily excitement.

  Lily. I can’t believe I’m going to be a mom. A smile spreads across my face as I step into the living room. I drop my purse on the coffee table and plop down on the center cushion of the couch, kicking my shoes off. But before too long, Andrew is sitting down next to me with that knowing look on his beautiful face.

  I could fool Marna, but I should’ve known better than to think I could fool him.

  3

  I lift Camryn into my arms and pull her onto my lap. We sit here together, my arms wrapped around her and my chin nestled into the crook of her neck. I know something’s bothering her. I can feel it, but a part of me is afraid to ask.

  “What is it?” I ask anyway and hold my breath.

  She turns to look me in the eyes, and they’re consumed with worry. “I’m just afraid.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  She pauses, letting her gaze fall about the room until resting directly out in front of her. “Everything,” she says.

  I reach up and turn her chin back toward me. “You can tell me anything, Camryn. You know that, right?”

  Her blue eyes fill with tears, but she doesn’t let them fall.

  “I… well I don’t want us to end up like… well like a lot of people.”

  Oh, I know where this is going. I grab her by the waist and turn her body around so that she’s facing me, straddling my lap.

  “Look at me,” I say, taking both of her hands. “We’re not going to end up like everybody else. You want to know how I know?”

  She doesn’t respond, but she doesn’t need to. I know she wants me to go on. A tear escapes one eye, and I reach up and wipe it away with the pad of my thumb.

  “We won’t because we’re both conscious of it,” I begin. “Because it was fate that we met on that bus in Kansas, and because we both know what we want out of life. We may not have the details mapped out—and we don’t need to—but we both know which direction we don’t want to go.”

  I stop and then say, “We can still travel the world. We just have to put it off for a while longer. And in the meantime, we live our lives the way we want to. None of that daily monotonous bullshit.”

  I get a tiny smile out of her.

  “Well, how do we avoid that exactly?” she asks, crossing her arms and smirking down at me.

  Now there’s the playful smartass Camryn I know and love.

  I rub my hands up and down her thighs briskly and then say, “If you want to work, you can work. I don’t care if you want to flip burgers or shovel shit at the zoo, do whatever you want. But the second you get tired of it or feel like it’s becoming your life, walk the fuck away. And if you’d rather sit back and do nothing, you can do that too, like I’ve told you before. You know I’ll take care of you no matter what.”

  I know what’s coming next, so I brace for it. And sure enough Camryn snarls at me and argues, “No way in hell will I sit back on my ass and let you take care of me.”

  She’s so hot when she’s bein’ all independent.

  “Well that’s fine. Whatever,” I say, raising my hands up in surrender. “But I want you to understand that I don’t care what you do as long as you’re happy doing it.”

  “And what about you, Andrew? You can’t just tell me not to worry about ‘the monotony of life’ while you take it on headfirst just because we have a baby to support. That’s not fair.”

  “That’s sort of what you said that first night I buried my head between your thighs. Did I have a problem with it then?”

  She blushes hard. Even after all this time and all that we’ve been through together, I still manage to make her blush.

  I lean up and cup her face within my hands and pull her into a kiss.

  “As long as I have you, Lily, and my music, I don’t need anything else.”

  Another tear streams down her soft cheek, but this time she’s smiling underneath it. “You promise?” she asks.

  “Yes, I promise,” I say with determination, squeezing her hands within mine. I let the seriousness fade from my face and smile at her again.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, letting out a defeated breath. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. One day I’m all smiles and perfectly fine and then it’s like, out of nowhere, I’m doom-and-gloom pathetic.”

  I laugh a little under my breath. “Bitch-slapped by mood swings. Get used to it.”r />
  Her mouth falls open slightly, and she laughs too. “Well, I guess that’s one way of putting it.”

  She stops abruptly. “Do you hear that?” Her eyes narrow as she pushes her ear toward the source of the sound. I hear but pretend not to.

  “Oh great,” I say. “Don’t tell me that pregnancy causes schizophrenia, too.”

  She smacks me gently on the chest and climbs off my lap. “No, it’s your cell phone,” she says, walking around to the back of the couch. “I thought the battery was dead.”

  No… I just turned the ringer off and hid it to make you think that. At least I thought I turned it off.

  “I think you’re sitting on your phone,” she says.

  I stand up and play stupid, rummaging around underneath the cushion. Finally, I pull it out to see Natalie’s picture (technically, it’s a picture of a hyena that I thought represented her best) looking back at us from the screen. Dammit. This is going to be awkward.

  Camryn reaches out for it when she notices Natalie’s name.

  “Since when did Natalie start calling you?” she asks, snatching it from my hand.

  Yes, definitely awkward because she doesn’t look the slightest bit jealous. She’s grinning!

  I reach up and nervously scratch the back of my head, avoiding eye contact, but then I try to take it back from her.

  “Oh, no way in hell,” she laughs, stepping away from the couch.

  “Come on, give me the phone.”

  She taunts me with it as I leap over the back of the couch to go after her.

  She thrusts her empty hand out at me. “Be careful! I’m pregnant and you might hurt me!” She smirks.

  Oh now she plays the I’m-too-fragile card. So evil.

  She runs her finger over the Answer bar and puts the phone to her ear, grinning the whole time.

  I just give up. I suck at this stuff.

  “Well, hello Natalie,” Camryn says, her playful gaze never moving from me. “Have you been seeing my man behind my back?”

  She shakes her head at whatever Natalie’s answer is. It’s obvious Camryn knows what’s going on, or at least has a pretty good idea, because she knows I’d never cheat on her, especially not with her best friend. The girl is pretty but, yeah, she’s like a reality TV train wreck.

  Camryn puts her on speakerphone. “Out with it, both of you,” she demands.

  “Ummm… uhhh…,” Natalie manages on the other end.

  “For the first time ever, Natalie has nothing to say. I’m shocked!” Camryn looks to me for the answers.

  “Sorry, Andrew!” Natalie shouts.

  “Not your fault,” I say. “I left the ringer on.”

  Camryn clears her throat impatiently.

  “It was going to be a surprise,” I say, frowning.

  “Yeah! I swear he’s not doing me!”

  I outwardly cringe at Natalie’s comment and Camryn tries her damnedest to hold back her laughter. But being Camryn, she won’t pass up any opportunity to torture those she loves, though with the most innocent of intentions.

  “I don’t believe you, Nat,” she says gravelly.

  “Huh?” Natalie sounds completely stunned.

  “How long has it been going on?” Camryn continues, putting on a convincing show. She walks around and sets the phone down on the coffee table and then crosses her arms.

  “Cam… I swear to God it’s nothing like that. Oh my God, I would never, ever, ever do something like that to you. I mean Andrew is smokin’ hot, yeah, I totally admit that, and I would probably be on him like sexy on Joseph Morgan if you two weren’t together, but—”

  “I get it, Nat.” Camryn stops her—thankfully—before she goes off on what Camryn calls a Natalie Tangent.

  “You do?” Natalie asks carefully, still confused, which doesn’t surprise me.

  Camryn picks the phone up again and holds the screen up to me and mouths the words: Seriously? Apparently about the picture of the hyena.

  I shrug.

  “So, what’s really going on?” Camryn says to both of us, setting the jokes aside.

  “Camryn,” I say, walking toward her, “I know you’re missing home. I’ve known for a while, so a couple weeks ago I got Natalie’s number from your phone and decided to give her a call.”

  Camryn narrows her eyes. I guide her to sit back down on the couch with me.

  “Yeah, he called me up and told me your ultrasound date and thought I might want to…” Natalie’s voices trails, waiting on me to be the one to spill the surprise.

  “I figured she would want to organize a baby shower for you when we found out if it was a boy or a girl—I tried calling your mom first, but she must’ve still been in Cozumel.”

  Camryn nods. “Yeah, she likely was around that time.”

  “But your mom is totally onboard now,” Natalie’s voice streams through the tiny speaker. “She and I were kind of planning it together behind your back. I couldn’t wait any longer for your boy toy to call me with the news today, so I called him and now you know everything and the surprise is ruined!”

  “No, no, Nat, it’s not ruined at all,” Camryn says, picking the phone up and holding it closer to her mouth as she leans her back into the couch. “It’s actually better that I know now, because I can be excited from now until then knowing I’m heading back to North Carolina soon.”

  “Well you won’t have to wait long,” I say beside her, “because we’re leaving Friday afternoon.”

  Camryn’s eyes widen and so does her smile.

  I think this is just what she needed. It’s like a happy girl just crawled her way to the surface of a homesick one in two seconds flat. I love to see her like this. I should’ve done it sooner.

  “Four months is kind of early for a baby shower, though,” Camryn says. “Not that I’m complaining!”

  “Maybe so,” Natalie says. “But who cares? You’re coming home!”

  I say, “Yeah, we figured why not knock out two birds with one stone?”

  “Well, I’m excited. Thank you both,” Camryn says, beaming.

  “So… what’s the big news?” Natalie asks.

  Camryn holds it in for a few long, torturous seconds, knowing it’s driving Natalie batshit, and then she says, “It’s a girl!”

  Natalie squeals so loud through the phone I wince and recoil.

  “I knew it!” she shrieks.

  Normally this would be reason enough for me to remove myself from the slumber party atmosphere and go make a sandwich or take a shower or something, but I can’t get myself off the hook so soon on this one. I was part of the “big secret,” and so I guess I should stick out the rest of the conversation.

  “I’m so excited, Cam. Really, you have no idea.”

  “Actually, uhh, yeah she has a pretty good idea,” I say.

  Camryn looks at me warningly.

  “Thank you, Nat. I’m excited, too. And we’ve already decided on a name. Well, technically Andrew chose the name.”

  “What?” Natalie says in a deadpanned tone. “You mean like he actually… picked it out?” She says this as if it’s something very dangerous.

  What, do all women think guys suck at names, or some shit?

  “Lily Marybeth Parrish,” Camryn says proudly.

  It makes me feel that much better that my girl really seems to love the name as much as I do and isn’t just pretending to keep from hurting my feelings.

  “Oh my God, I actually like that, Cam. Andrew, you did good!”

  Not that I needed the Natalie stamp of approval, but it still makes me grin like a little boy that even she likes it.

  4

  Yesterday was an exhausting day. In a good way. Good news seemed to come from everywhere, and I’m still reeling about it all. It’ll only make tonight at our favorite bar in Houston that much more exciting.

  Andrew and I started playing a few bars here and there a little over a month ago, and I love it. Before Andrew, I never in my life imagined playing live in bars. Playing live
anywhere, for that matter. It’s not something that crossed my mind even once. But the taste I got for it back in New Orleans opened up a new world to me. Of course, Andrew being there with me played a huge part in my enjoyment of it and that still holds true today. I doubt I could keep doing this if it weren’t for him.

  Performing isn’t what I enjoy the most; performing with him is what makes me love it.

  I talk to my mom for a while about coming home in a couple of days, and she’s so excited to see me. She and Roger got hitched in Mexico! It kind of ticked me off because I didn’t get to be there, but now that I think about it more it doesn’t bother me. They were being spontaneous. They did what they felt they wanted to do in their hearts and just went for it. I’ve learned during my time with Andrew that being spontaneous and breaking free from the mold is often a good thing. After all, we wouldn’t be together today if I myself didn’t have some firsthand experience with being spontaneous.

  As far as our own wedding date, well, we haven’t set one. We talked about it one night and agreed that we will get married when and wherever it feels right. No dates. No planning. No five-thousand-dollar dress that I’ll only wear once. No matching the flowers with the décor. No best man or maids of honor. All of that stuff stresses both of us out just thinking about it.

  We’ll get married when we’re ready, and we both know that the wait has nothing to do with not being sure. It’s what we both want, there’s no mistaking that.

  I hear Andrew rustling the keys in the apartment door and I meet him there. I jump up, wrapping my legs tight around his waist, and kiss him fully on the mouth. He slams the door shut with his foot and wraps his arms around me, keeping his lips locked with mine.