Pictures of You

by Juliette Caron

  “Come on, you know I can’t stand to be away from you.” I grabbed his pant leg and pulled him back down.

  “I feel the exact same way. You’re annoyingly bewitching. You’ve cast some creepy spell on me, woman,” he said, sighing theatrically.

  What I wanted to say was: “Okay, prove it. All your words, your declaration of love—they’re meaningless because you are choosing death over me. Prove you really mean it. Stay, Adrien. Stay.” But a promise was a promise. And I learned the hard way what happens when I say the wrong things, when I push. So instead I said, “Then we’re back to the beginning. What are we going to do?” And the stupid frustration grew inside like a noxious weed.

  Adrien frowned. “Enjoy each other while we can?”

  ***

  “Too frilly,” Mary said, scrunching her nose. “I liked the black one better.”

  “I’m going to have to agree with Mary. Too frilly,” Adrien said, giving me an exaggerated thumbs down.

  “You’re both right. It is a little girly for my taste,” I said. “What would I do without you two here?”

  Adrien and Mary insisted they come with me dress shopping. Plus Mary needed to find a new winter coat and Adrien wanted to check out a couple of used book stores. He said he wanted to find his favorite childhood book to leave for his godson (yes, he was really going through with this—he even wrote an unofficial will). Then the three of us would try out a new local Ethiopian restaurant, something on Adrien’s bucket list. We’d already hit a few outlet stores in SoHo (I never like paying full price for anything), without any luck. I needed to find the perfect outfit to wear to my parents’ party. If I was going to show up alone, at the very least I’d show up looking hot. I wanted John to get down on his knees, groveling for my forgiveness, wishing he’d never let me go. Or at the very least, I wanted there to be some proper gawking.

  Ducking into the dressing room with new carpet smell, I began feeling a mounting frustration. I’d already tried on at least a dozen dresses. Many of them looked “good”, but I wasn’t looking for “good”. I wanted a dress that wowed. I had only one more left to try on—a small brown one.

  “Okay little brown number. Please be the one,” I whispered, feeling more than ready to move on with my day. Unlike my sister, I was not a self-proclaimed shopaholic. As I pulled the froufrou dress off, someone tapped on the door, making me jump.

  “Try this one on,” I heard Adrien say. He tossed a glossy red dress over the door.

  “Adrien! What are you doing in the women’s dressing room? You could get arrested or something,” I said, covering myself up with the frilly dress I’d just taken off. My cheeks were on fire, my heart pounding like a hammer. Did he see me through the crack on the side of the door? Today wasn’t a good underwear day. I wore my last resort pair, the boring white ones with a hole in the hip, due to my neglecting the towering pile of laundry at home. How could I possibly think about laundry at a time like this?

  “You’re right. I’m leaving now. But try on that dress.”

  “Fine! Just go!”

  “Cute underwear.”

  “I hate you!” Did he really look, or was he just teasing me?

  It took me a few moments to regain my composure and slip on the red dress. I didn’t breathe as I turned around and caught my image in the full-length mirror. The cut flattered me perfectly and the crimson red played up my brown eyes and fair skin. I felt beautiful and sexy. Adrien was right. This was the one.

  Feeling self-conscious about modeling the dress for Mary and Adrien, I considered slipping back into my jeans and t-shirt. But I knew they wouldn’t go for that. Mary, especially. She was stubborn, that girl. And Adrien would be disappointed he missed out on seeing me in the dress he picked out. So I sucked in a breath and wandered out of the dressing room and greeted my friends, who were sitting on the floor, waiting.

  Mary whistled so loud, it put a flirty Italian man to shame. Everyone in the store turned to look, including a couple of men. One, who was a dead ringer for David Beckham, even winked at me. Certain my cheeks matched my dress, I was tempted to dig a deep hole in the floor and stay there until closing time. Okay this was weird. I was definitely not used to all this attention.

  “September, you look hot. Ultra hot,” Mary said, nodding in approval.

  “You do look good,” Adrien agreed, standing up to get a better view. I was perfectly aware of his eyes trailing up and down the dress.

  “You have to get it. It’s the one,” she urged.

  I contorted my body to find the price tag. “I don’t know. This one’s a little out of my budget.”

  “I picked it out, let me buy it,” Adrien said, his eyes still cemented on me.

  “I couldn’t let you—”

  “Please. I insist.”

  “Adrien, I—”

  “It’s not like I’ll be needing the money,” he said, reminding me again of the thing I was trying so hard to forget.

  “Come on, Tember, let the guy buy it for you,” Mary said.

  “Okay, okay. Thank you, Adrien. Really, I mean it. Thanks,” I said, turning to him, my face probably blood red now. I started for the dressing room when he called after me. I stopped in my tracks and turned around.

  “September, you’re beautiful,” he said, his eyes smoldering.

  ***

  At work I felt like my head would explode from thinking too much. My heart has had better days, too. It had already been broken twice this year, but now, what remained of it was being beaten, stabbed and thrashed and then tossed in a garbage disposal for good measure. I felt a canker sore coming on, too. The words Adrien and I exchanged, going through Abby’s vinyl, ran over and over in my head like a wind-up toy. The truth was I had only three days left with Adrien. If I couldn’t stop him from self-destructing. Three short days. I knew as each day passed, it would hurt a little more to be with him. As I drew closer to the end of this most unusual experience, I stupidly fell deeper in love with him. There was only one thing I could do. I had to stop him. I had to change his mind. But how? He said he loved me, too. Wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t our evolving relationship reason enough for him to stick around?

  Apparently not.

  Logically I knew I should stop seeing him. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I wanted to stay by his side as long as he’d let me. If I’d known in second grade, the day I met Abby, our friendship would end abruptly and tragically eleven years later, would I have still chosen to befriend her? And would I have loved her any less, knowing our days were numbered, knowing in the end I’d be faced with almost unbearable heartbreak and grief? Her death just about killed me. This was no doubt the hardest year of my life—times a million—but I’d do it all over again. It was worth it, every single minute of it because I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would’ve been like without her.

  The same applied to Adrien. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I’d feel differently after he was gone. Maybe it was a tiny smudge of hope which kept me anticipating his visits every day—hope he’d get some help and choose to stick around for awhile.

  “Are you okay? You’re pretty quiet tonight,” Chris said, emptying the garbage, concern etched all over his lovable face.

  “Oh. I’m fine. I just have a lot to think about I guess,” I said, working on a stubborn brown spot on a blue tile wall.

  “You know you’ve been working on that same spot for the last half an hour, right?”

  I looked up, stunned. “Have I?”

  “You’re not still going out with that suicidal guy, are you?”

  He made it sound so ridiculous. “That’s none of your business.”

  “I thought so. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you like to be miserable?”

  “Of course not. It’s…You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Try me.”

  “Wait. Maybe you would understand. I’m not the only one who’s not in an ideal situation, who is maybe sabotaging my happily ever after,” I said, re
membering Chris’s confession about Megan. “You don’t love her. And yet here you are, still with her, living a lie. To me that’s worse.”

  “It’s not the same at all. I was genuinely in love with Megan at one point. And happy—before she started smothering the life out of me. But what are you doing with this guy? You’ve known him for a couple of weeks—or less than that—and you really have no obligation to be nice to him. He’s probably just using you. Having his way with you before he—”

  “That’s not true. I’m not the kind of girl who—I wouldn’t even let him try—Chris, Adrien hasn’t even kissed me. He’s been a perfect gentleman.” He seemed genuinely surprised—and relieved. “And anyway,” I said, “I still have hope I’ll somehow be able to convince him to get some help. There still may be a way. There’s got to be. I mean, he can’t be in his right mind. And I’m not doing this to be nice. It’s so much more than that. Adrien’s a really special guy. He’s so talented and sensitive and generous and—”

  “Don’t make me puke,” Chris said, obviously joking. Or at least half-joking. He exhaled. “Okay.”

  “Okay what?”

  “Okay, I get that you gotta do what you gotta do. Just keep in mind there are other men out there. Other more deserving men.”

  26

  We spent Adrien’s last night together at a carnival on Brooklyn beach. Originally he was going to kill himself in two days, the day of my parents’ party. But, much to my dismay, he pushed the date up a day. He’d finished the note early, plus he said it would be better for both of us if he didn’t draw things out and left earlier.

  I was stunned when he told me all of this. And really angry. I thought I’d have two full weeks with him and now he was cutting our time together short.

  The thought of losing Adrien, the thought of this being our final time together was hard to comprehend. Unbearable to think about. So I did my very best to not think about it, not to think about cruel reality, following me around like a lunatic jester. It stalked me, pointing and laughing, mocking me for being such a reckless fool. You should have never agreed to spend time with this guy, the voice said. Now you’re losing the one you love the most all over again. You stupid, stupid girl.

  I saw it in Adrien’s eyes, too. He didn’t have to speak. I saw the anguish, the being torn by two choices: life with me, or an eternal, sweet sleep, away from the pain and suffering that preyed upon him for so long, that had made his life unbearable enough he felt ending it was the only solution.

  I hadn’t been to this carnival in years. My parents brought April and me here every summer when we were growing up. It was different now. Many of the rides were the same while other bigger and better ones towered above us. It drew the same diverse crowd. I tasted the familiar salty sea air on my lips, inhaled the nostalgic smells of hotdogs, popcorn, pizza, cotton candy. But there was a thickness in the air that pulled my heart down into my stomach, an empty feeling despite the bustling crowd.

  “Look,” Adrien said, pointing to the gorgeous orange and purple streaked sky, which made a perfect backdrop for the majestic Ferris wheel ahead. Dancing lights framed the rides and game tents of my childhood. A lemonade stand cast a strange yellow glow on his face. Emotions whirled inside me as I took in the surreal landscape around me. It was like I was in a dream. A really, really strange dream.

  “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel,” I said, grabbing his hand, pulling him forward. I hoped the impending night would camouflage my crimson cheeks. I remembered it was on his list, the things he wanted to do before he died: “Kiss a girl at the very top of a Ferris wheel,” he’d said. I touched my lips, anticipating the kiss I ached for. Would he kiss me tonight? I wanted him to more than anything.

  “Okay.” Adrien shrugged. Maybe he’d forgotten the list. Or maybe kissing was the last thing on his mind. He grasped my elbow, helping me into the rocking seat first before sliding in next to me. Already my heart picked up a notch. He casually threw his arm around me, protecting me against the clammy autumn air. “You cold?” he asked when I shivered.

  “Yes,” I said. It was partially true. He removed his green military jacket—the one Mrs. Watkins gave him—and molded it around my shoulders. He slid in closer until our sides touched. We sat saying nothing, watching the shady-looking Ferris wheel operator with tightly coiled hair load people into the other seats.

  To anyone around us, we might’ve appeared to be a young couple newly in love, (which we were, in a way), the perfect pair, the kind you see in those cliché romantic comedies. But no one could know the truth—that this would be our last night together. That things were ending before they had a fair chance to really start. No one knew of the turmoil we were in.

  On the outside looking in, this could be a page in a fairytale book. I’d finally found my handsome prince, my soul mate. We were young and healthy and beautiful. The night around us couldn’t have been more magical. But…I wanted Adrien, more than anything. And Adrien wanted death. It was an intriguing love triangle of sorts. An ugly, twisted love triangle. I felt a kaleidoscope of emotion turning inside. I was angry at Adrien for choosing death over me. Bitterly angry. But more so, angry at myself for being more than willing to be a part of this. I was heartbroken. After losing Abby, I didn’t think there was anything left to break. But my heart had grown bigger, doubled in size and now there was twice as much heart to be trampled on.

  All of this aside, I was burning up with love. The intensity overwhelmed me, sucking all of my pride, all of my energy. I was determined. I was going to kiss Adrien Gray tonight on this Ferris wheel, whether he liked it or not. Nothing would stop me. And maybe my love would be enough. Maybe Adrien would wake up, snap out of this dark spell and realize there was something to live for. But it was more than I could hope for and knowing Adrien, there was nothing left I could do to change his mind.

  At the very least, I wanted a goodbye kiss.

  Adrien gazed at me, sadness etched all over his perfect face, as the huge wheel lifted us higher and higher. I met his gaze, here and there and then looked away. Just as we were approaching the top, I opened my mouth to ask for the one thing I wanted the most, other than Adrien himself. A kiss. But he spoke first.

  “I’m so sorry, September. I really shouldn’t have let you be involved in all this. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m hurting you just like I hurt them. I’m doing it all over again.”

  “Shhh. Adrien—”

  “Wait, let me finish. If there was any way I could take these past days back, I would. Not because they weren’t some of the best days of my life, because they were. Not because I don’t love you, because I do. But because I was wrong to let you be a part of this. If there was any way I could make it up to you, I would. I don’t regret meeting you, September. I only regret the hurt I caused you…and will yet cause you.”

  “Anything?” I bit my lip, feeling sick with longing. Confused, his eyes swept my face. “You said you’d do anything to make it up to me,” I said, feeling my cheeks burn again.

  “September, you know I can’t cancel my plans.” He said it so nonchalantly, like he was speaking of travel plans or a reservation to a nice restaurant.

  “I—I didn’t mean that. You know I want more than anything for you to change your mind—now more than ever. But I know I can’t talk you out of it. I tried everything I could think of, apart from tying you up and locking you in a closet.”

  He smiled, apparently amused by the thought. “Then what did you want, love?” Inside the hard edges melted. He’d never called me “love” before.

  “I want—I—I want…”

  He gently nudged my arm. “Come on, just say it.”

  I let the words fall out. “I want you to kiss me.”

  His eyes grew into the size of ping-pong balls. “What?”

  I swallowed twice. “I think you heard me.”

  “I want to kiss you, September, more than anything. Believe me. I’ve wanted to for days. But it wouldn’t be fair. I don’t want to hur
t you anymore than I already have.”

  “Please. I love you. This is torture.” Now at the very top of the Ferris wheel, my hope peaked. I pleaded with Adrien with my eyes. His lips seemed to have a lunar pull on mine. His face was sheer heaven in the moonlight. The view around us didn’t compare to the boy sitting beside me.

  He whispered, “I wasn’t planning this. I didn’t think I’d fall so hard—so deeply in love with you.”

  “Then stay with me. Don’t leave me.”

  He hesitated. I counted the beats of my throbbing heart, waiting.

  Hope began dwindling as the perfect moment passed. We began moving downward, back to earth.

  “I wish I could. I promise you I would if I could. You’re the best thing to happen to me in years. Well, ever, actually. But there’s something you don’t know, something that would change your mind about me.”

  “Nothing could change my mind about you. Adrien. Please. Stay.”

  “Even if I did, even if you knew the truth and accepted it, it wouldn’t change the fact that I’m a monster. I destroy everything I love. Everything I touch. I’ll destroy you, too. It’s better for us both if I leave. Trust me on this one.”

  “I want to trust you. I do trust you. But things are rarely as bad as they seem. Five, ten, twenty years from now you won’t see any of this the same way.” He shook his head. “Tell me what it is. We’ll deal with it. Together,” I pleaded.

  “I can’t.” He turned away from me.

  My eyes welled up. “Then…at least…kiss me.”

  “I can’t hurt you. I love you too much to hurt you any more.” He smiled sadly, lowered his head, letting his eyes fall to the balled-up fists in his lap.

  Before I could open my mouth, the machine operator opened the side of the seat. “This way please,” he said, guiding us off the ride.

  ***

  Adrien offered to buy me dinner, but I wasn’t hungry, although I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Food was the furthest thing from my mind. So he bought himself a corndog and scarfed it down. How could he eat at a time like this?